I Feel Myself Go Under

Oli walked off the stage, wiping his face with the towel the roadie handed him. He chugged half a water bottle before sighing. He heard the crowd chanting 'one more song'.
"Diamonds?" Matt asked as he cleaned his face off as well. Oli just nodded at him before placing his ear piece back in. He uncapped his water again and chugged the rest of it.

He wanted the show to be over. He wasn't feeling it tonight. He could feel himself grow more angry with each passing minute. He couldn't understand why, nothing ticked him off.
He shook his head, washing away his thoughts as he heard the guitars start to whine, getting the attention of the fans.
He took a breath before yelling into his mic "We will never sleep 'cause sleep is for the weak.". He slowly made his way back onto stage and listened as the crowd scream louder.

Ash watched Oli as he moved about the stage. She was sat up high in one of the niche like balconies, the support act happily drunk and rowdy beside her as they thrashed to the screech of guitars. He was bouncing, but not as he always did. He lacked the energy and the passion that made each show so special. It wasn't bad, it just wasn't him.

The lights dimmed, sending the entirety of the room into darkness as the band left the stage. Ash stood and made her way back down to the backstage, the pass hanging round her neck letting her through the door. As she walked through the corridors the sound of Oli's screaming vibrated through the walls, although the words were unclear.

She joined the roadies at the side of the stage, ready to intercept her boyfriend when he left the stage. Maybe a short break before he went out to meet the fans, if he chose to go at all. She accepted a towel from a woman she was more familiar with, and pried a bottle of water from the plastic as the last notes of the song rang through the venue, all but drowned out by the crowd's screaming cheers.

Oli walked off the stage for the last time and saw Ashley standing there. He gave her a small smile as she handed him a towel and bottle of water. He chugged half the water before wiping his face off again. He said nothing to her as he grabbed her hand and walked to the green room. He needed a shower before they left and didn't feel like waiting around for everyone else.

He let go of her hand as he walked over to his backpack and pulled out a change of clothes. He walked into the large locker room like bathroom and placed his clothes on the bench that was in the middle of the room. He turned on the water, letting it warm up. He stripped down and jumped in the shower.

He let the water run over his back and head as he looked down at the ground. He felt like he could snap at any minute, and he was afraid it would be at Ashley again. He tried hard not to snap at her, but she would be the only one there when he finally broke. He frowned as he thought about the last time he snapped at her, he was certain she was going to leave him for good. He would've if it was him.

He finished his shower and dried off, quickly changing into his clean clothes before heading back out to the room. He threw his dirty clothes into his backpack and threw it over his shoulder. He found Ash on the couch and nodded his head at her, signaling he was heading towards the bus.

Ash squeezed Oli's hand when he took it, but said nothing else as they walked through. She thought it best to give him some time, see if he could work himself out of whichever head space he'd got caught up in this time before trying anything herself.

He showered, and she sat on the sofa listening to quiet patter of water from the room next door. She didn't know what Oli was going to be like later, but she planned to stick it out. The band was his dream and his livelihood, and she'd rather he snap his frustrations out on her than his band mates. Just try to make things run as smoothly as they could.

As Ash waited on the couch, she pulled out her phone and updated her twitter. An upbeat comment about how great the band had been, how great the crowd had been. A question about who was coming to the next show that would no doubt end in replies she'd never read. She'd a fair amount of followers, those fans that had hunted her out when they'd realised her connection to Oli, and kept things as neutral as possible on the net.

Two tweets and and scroll through the instagram tag later, the sound of the door indicated Oli's return. She stood and followed him out to the bus, pulling her jacket tighter as the cool night air contrasted with the stuffy warmth of the venue.

"It was a good show," she commented as they reached the bus. "The support really seem to be warming up to the bigger shows."

"About fucking time. They've had enough time to adjust," Oli said in a snippy tone. He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jacket, cursing at the cold. "Good thing the fans like them, or else we'd kick them off."
Once they got to the bus, he punched in the code and opened the door, letting Ashley walk in first. As he shut the door, he knew no one else was there yet. He shrugged off his coat, throwing it on the couch in the front of the bus.

"I'm going to the back," he mumbled as brushed past her. He stopped at his bunk and threw his backpack into it. He headed into the back room and immediately grabbed the bag of weed and bong from the storage cupboard that was under the built in couch. He sat down and pulled apart the weed, packing it into the bowl. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his lighter. He brought the bong to his lips and lit the bowl, sucking in and watched the smoke fill the neck of the bong.

He waited until the smoke touched his lips, almost half a bowl worth of smoke, and pulled out the stem. He cleared the smoke and held it in his lungs. He blew the smoke out and leaned against the back of the couch and sighed.

Ashley shrugged off her jacket and picked up Oli's coat, hanging them up together out the way. It was easy for such a small space to clutter, especially with extra people on board. But it wasn't worth bringing up with him right now, not worth the waste of breath nor energy on her part or his.

Ashely rummaged through her own things, pulling a well worn sweater from her laundry. As the bus was empty, aside Oli, she swapped her t-shirt for the sweater there in the gangway. The t-shirt was abandoned in the pile the sweater had been removed from, and Ashley fished about in another bag. She was in no hurry. It was easier to let Oli settle himself then enter, no use tripping over each other in the small space.

Removing her iPod from the tangle of cables proved to be a great enough task to eat up time, as did selecting a playlist. With one earphone in her ear, and a half empty box of cheese crackers in her hand, Ashley made her way into the backroom.

Oli was already sat there, smoke pouring from his lips as she approached the couch. She sat the other side of him, leaving the exit clear and accessible for him. Some space was left between them, but as she pulled her legs up underneath herself her knee just about brushed his thigh.

Ashley took a cracker from the box, biting it in half and tilting the box towards Oli, making an inquiring noise as she did so.

Oliver appreciated the fact that Ashley knew when to give him space. He didn't want to go off on her, and he knew she didn't either. He still couldn't understand why she stuck around. He knew he wasn't the greatest, he did drugs, drank and was mentally fucked up. He would get into this darkness that would take days, sometimes weeks, to get out of.

He smiled at Ashley as she offered him some crackers. He took one, eating half in one bite. He heard voices approach the bus, and had a feeling it was the rest of the guys. He sighed as he sat up and brought the bong back to his lips, lighting the remainder of the weed. He sucked in the smoke and blew it out. He slowly felt the buzz from the weed, making his body tingle and his head feel light.

"Hey, you wanna come meet fans?" Lee asked, standing at the doorway.
"No, not tonight." Oliver muttered, placing the bong on the ground. Lee nodded and left without a word. Oliver was happy that Lee didn't pressure him like the other guys would.

Oli leaned back and looked over at Ash, who was scrolling through her phone. He reached over and slowly pulled her phone from her hand. He smiled as she looked at him like she was going to murder him. He laughed slightly and put the phone beside him.
"Sorry about my mood, I'm working on it." He said looking at his hands, which were intertwined with hers.

Ash startled a little as Oli's hand came between her and her phone, watching as he slid it out her grasp. She tugged her headphones out with a playful scowl when he set her phone of her reach, but it was nice to see him smile and laugh.

He took her hands in his, and a soft smile came to her face as she looked down at them. The temptation for tattoos was great when surrounded by so many, but there was something about her blank skin against Oli's tattooed that she was reluctant to part with.

She nodded as he spoke, biting back the first response of "it's fine". Because it wasn't fine, and it wasn't fair. Not on her and not to him. But there were more than enough moments where those thoughts could be voiced, right now she was accepting his smile and touch.

"I know," Ashley said simply instead. "And you know I'll be here for whatever you need."

She pulled a hand free to push his shower damp hair back off his face, sliding her hand round to his jaw and using it to pull him closer as she leant up and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

"Quiet night in, then?" She asked, wondering if he had any other plans if he wasn't going to meet fans.

Oliver placed his hand ontop of hers as she kissed his mouth. His mood was lifting, but knew it would crash again.

"It's quite until they come back. But I have no plans." But he did. He planned on getting high until he passed out, if he even could. His insomnia was getting worse, seeing as he only got 3 hours of sleep the night before. He figured it was the drugs, but he couldn't help himself when they passed the bowl around.

He knew telling Ashley his real plans would make her upset. But he honestly didn't care. He did what he wanted, when he wanted. He knew it hurt her, seeing him off his face, but he was happy. He figured that's all that mattered.

"What about you?" He asked as he grabbed the baggie of weed and the bong, packing it once again. He wondered if any of the guys had anything stronger. He remembered back to last week when Vegan got some cocaine. He remembered how he felt carefree, energetic and happy. The weed was a sad substitute.

Ashley retrieved her phone as Oli turned back to his bong, spinning it between her fingers rather than unlocking it. She watched his methodical and well practiced fingers pack the thing for a moment.

"Textbook to read," she told him. "Can't really put it off much longer, but it's more likely to put me to sleep."

Her business degree through the open university was fairly lenient, but didn't respond too keenly to outright neglect of studies. She almost regretted her mention of sleep, the bag's under Oli's eyes as they were. But then, she couldn't avoid everything forever. There were so many landmines lately, sometimes she could jump all over them and nothing would stir, sometimes she'd brush past and it would explode.

"I'll be in my bunk, yeah?" Ashley got to her feet again, she had no plans of sticking around to see what Oli got up to when his band mates returned. She didn't want to stop him doing what he wanted, but then she didn't want to see it either.

She left the crackers on the seat next to Oliver, with the hopes that he'd at least eat a few more after the energy he'd spent on stage. Ash made her way to the bunk, making a short detour to the fridge for two bottles of beer before slipping into the cramped space. She should be set for the rest of the evening, this way. She so desperately didn't want to be the girlfriend who told Oli what to do, he was a grown man and could make his own decisions, but it was easier to pick up the pieces that it was to watch it fall apart.

"Have fun." He said as he watched her walk towards the front. He lit the freshly packed bong and took another big hit. He let the smoke sit in his lungs before releasing it, forming a cloud of smoke around him.

He was slightly envious of Ashley. She was going to Open Uni, studying business. While he was just a lead singer in a band. Sure he made money, more than he knew what to do with, but he felt like he wasn't worth much. Not like Ash, she could do something normal with her life.
He wished he could do something normal.

He was messing around on his phone, checking twitter and instagram, when he heard the guys get back on the bus. He heard feminine giggles and sighed. He just wanted one night that someone didn't bring some nasty groupie on the bus. Half the time, they tried to get into his pants, even if Ashley was under his arm.

"Hey mate!" Vegan said from the front of fhe bus, his arm wrapped around a blonde who screamed slut.
Oliver just nodded his head at him before putting his phone back in his pocket.

"Who's ready to party!" Vegan shouted, receiving shouts of 'hell yeah!' in response.

Oliver sighed before making his way to the front. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and clinking it with everyone.

After numerous amount of shots, bowls of weed and dancing, which was mainly Oli and Vegan humping the other guys, Oli could proudly say that he was wasted.

Ashley read through her book, or at least flipped through it and read the points in bold. The noise beyond the curtain didn't bother her, and a smile quirked at her lips each time Oli's voice rose above the rest. Music pounded and she all she could imagine were the ridiculous moves her boyfriend was no doubt pulling, especially after the amount of clinking glass.

Female voices filtered through too, but she didn't worry. Whilst she was concerned about his mood more and more often lately, she never doubted him, and he'd get to do anything to break her trust.

The party ran down, voices quietening and the music turned down to a low hum. There was little movement to be heard, so Ash slipped from her bunk to find Oli. She'd hopes to coax him into bed, see if he could get some sleep. At the very least, pass out somewhere comfortable.

She picked her way through the bodies and bottles littering the place, until she got to Oliver, ducking down into his line of vision.

"Hey," she said with a small grin. "You gonna stay here all night, or can I borrow you back?"

"Hey babe," he said with a smile when his eyes focused on her. Even in his drunken state, his heart fluttered at the sight of her. He looked around the room after her question and noticed most of the others passed out. He looked at the clock on the microwave, barely able to read the green numbers.

"I'm not too tired. But I'll come lay with ya." He got to his feet before stumbling his way to the bunk. He kicked his shoes off before laying down. As soon as his head hit the pillow, he could really feel how gone he was. He felt like he was on a merry-go-round. He knew he wasn't moving, but everything was spinning around him.

After years of drinking, he never had to worry about puking. It's almost like his body knew that this was normal and accepted it, until the next morning.

He pulled Ashley closer to him, placing his right hand on her hip, while is left arm tucked under her pillow. He looked into her eyes and smiled.
"Your pretty fuckin amazing." He said, running his thumb over her hip. "How did your study go?"

Ashley lay next to Oli, pleased he'd decided to at least come to bed, even if he wasn't tired. She moved close, looping an ankle around his calf and gripping lightly at the loose fabric of his t-shirt that fell across his chest. She'd hold him tight, if she had her way. Cling to him until everything that hurt him went away. But the real world didn't work like that.

The scent of alcohol was strong on his breath as he spoke, but really she doubted she was much better, unshowered with the smell of smoke clinging to her hair as it was. Regardless, the bunk felt warmer with Oli in it.

"I'm amazing?" Ashley questioned, brow raised and a soft smile on her face. "Who was it that had a sold out crowd hanging of their every word earlier?"

She pulled a face and rolled her eyes.

"Study wasn't quite as productive as I'd hoped, I'd have probably been better off staying out there with you for all the good it did. The books are so dry."

He laughed at her statements before pulling her closer to his chest.
"I'm proud of you ya know? You're doing something with your life." He confessed, looking into her green eyes. He felt his mind start to relax from being hyped up from the 'party'. All of his thoughts and feelings came rushing back to him. He cursed the alcohol when he felt himself become upset.

He rarely expressed these sad, sappy feelings with anyone. But Ashley seemed to be the only one he could. He learned over the years of being with her that she never judged him. Sure they would fight, which he started half the time, but she stood her ground. He loved that about her.

"I still don't understand why you stick around," he whispered as he brought his right hand up and brushed her hair away from her face. He cupped her cheek in his hand. He felt tears form in his eyes, but blinked them away in hopes that she didn't notice.

Ash released Oli's t-shirt and slid her arm under his, round his waist and holding him as tightly as she dared, trying to ground him as his eyes grew damp.

"And I'm proud of you," she told him. "You've come so far, you've grown, you've evolved. And got rid of that ridiculous hair cut you had starting out."

She turned her head against his palm, pressing a kiss to the rough skin at the base of it with a smile.

"I stick around because I love you," Ash said matter of factly against Oli's skin. "And I love you even if I don't always like you because you're being a grumpy bastard."

She placed a hand over the one on her cheek, tangling their fingers together and leaning in to knock her forehead gently to his.

"It's okay if you don't understand, don't worry about it." She said softly. "I'll understand enough for the both of us, yeah?"

Oliver gripped tightly onto her hand and nodded his head slightly. He found comfort in her words. "I love you too Ash," was all he could get out before placing a short kiss on her lips. He pulled back and sighed, trying to control his emotions. He didn't know how to handle the sudden change in his mood.
He wondered if the weight of everything has finally crushed him. As the overwhelming feeling of sadness washed over him he did the only thing to ground him and bring him back.

He untangled his fingers from hers and wrapped his arm around her waist, sliding it up her back. He brought his left arm out from the pillow, wrapping it around the back of her neck. He pulled her as close to him as possible before he buried his head in her neck, taking her in.

"Don't let me drown," he thought outloud. After realizing he said it outloud he said, "Fuckin alcohol."

Ash tightened her grip around Oliver, working one hand between his body and the thin mattress to full encompass him as best she could.

She both loved and hated moments like this. She had Oli to herself, to hold close, who wasn't snapping and tightly strung. But in comparison his despair almost rolled off him in waves, falling apart and barely holding together at all. There was little she could think of to do but hold him tight.

His mutterings she was used to, having seen Oli drunk more times than she could count. But then, they were young. What else would they be doing? It was only more recently that it had seemed that he was doing it because he needed to rather than for the fun of it.

"Think I'd let go of you that easily?" she asked, turning to press her lips just above his ear. "You're stuck with me, Oliver, no matter where you happen to be. Won't let you drown, won't let you sink, won't let you go."

After Ashley spoke, Oliver couldn't hold it in any longer. He let the tears fall from his eyes, soaking her sweater and neck. He let go of all the anger, hate and stress. He felt relieved to finally be able to let it out without judgement.

He let himself cry until he ran out of tears, the whole time clinging to Ashley. He let go of her with his right arm and rolled on his back a little. He wiped his face with the bottom of his shirt before letting out a ragged breath.
"Thank you." He said, his voice cracking.

He undid his jeans, kicking them to the end of the bunk. He yanked his shirt off, throwing it with his jeans. He laid back down and pulled the blanket over them. He pulled her back to him, his chest to her back.
"Goodnight love." He said, placing a kiss on her neck.