Confess on My Wayward Son

Reminder: Confessions is not a conversational thread like WAYT. This thread is for Mibbians to post their feelings in a safe environment. If you would like to reply to a post, please make sure you add your own confession to the post, or reply on the Mibbian's profile or through a PM.

Crap I've not seen a new confessions in eons. ;o

I wish I could go give my friend a hug right now, or something that will make her feel better.

I feel like fucking Rafiki, why?

I hate California. Why is everything so expensive? ESPECIALLY APARTMENTS.

Bright side of my day: presentation went really well and I got a 3rd interview with Farmers Insurance! The downside is the above because Farmers Insurance is in California and I'd have to live there this summer, but every apartment that I looked at that's willing to sublet for only 3 months is SO DAMN EXPENSIVE.

I'm the type of person who's motivated to the max but at the same time too lazy to get stuff done. Whhhhhhy

Still not done any work. Or Writing. So good at this responsible adult in education thing.

I've gotten through one slide of the powerpoint, and I still have 3 more presentations to go through.

-

my house is in probate because of my aunt and my family has nowhere to go, and six weeks to be gone. anything i want to say to vent would be considered bashing which pisses me off to no end because i have literally no outlet. many people in my family could be set on fire at this point and i would honestly not even call for help - good riddance because they deserve it imo. it's a pity that all death does is turn people in to greedy devils, and that good people are usually left on the opposing end.

also i haven't eaten in days and i'm starving but i also have no money so *i guess this is growing up*

Still want to die.

Whoop.

This morning we went to the lexington & concord battle reenactment, which was cold but fine until my flail-limb little cousin knocked my aunt's ipad on the ground and it shattered. ;C Seeing broken things makes me really sad (for a lot of reasons I could easily divulge into the psychology of), but what was the worst was my aunt's behavior. These are children and yet when they make mistakes, she berates them on a personal level of "this happened because you're ____" or "you always ____" and makes it about the way to be as hurtfully insulting as possible as a means of expressing her anger and inflicting harsh and inappropriate punishment. I can't always be there to try to keep it neutral, because I know what it is to live like that and it makes things worse for everyone- it certainly isn't a way to get a kid to act better. These poor kids live with that, a father who is absent and/or hunting, and my damn grandmother, in a house that is floor-to-ceiling piled with crap that my little cousin's favorite food is fucking "anything that isn't gross or molded." It's really concerning and disturbing and also triggering, though I had the escape of my mother and her mediation to help. I'm still angry as all hell that she/my father sent me over to that house to be victim to that and be beaten whenever they didn't think they could handle me. I don't know if they genuinely didn't know it was happening at the time, but my dad at least is very inclined to ignore it and has refused compliance with my mental health recovery in the past. I don't want these poor little kids to go through this too. It makes me feel helpless and enraged. It also makes me look at how small and feeble they are and realize, wow I was that small and feeble TOO back then and I can't believe somebody can look at a little one (albeit, a family member!) and call them those things and do those things to them. It's sick, it's been decades, and they haven't stopped.

It makes my morals feel really unsettled. They haven't stopped being manipulators and abusers for so long- it's hard to believe there is any hope for them to change; it's hard to make myself believe they deserve any more chances from god/society/wtf ever, to even be on earth.

2 things to say:
1) squad GOALS
2) when the guy that you may or may not have a crush on even though he is so unlike the guys that you usually crush on embraces the curry life more than you. lol. LOL

should've written more of my essay today, oops.

I know that Im still trying to overcome the PTSD of the situation because I still wake up from nightmares about it.

Apparently 4 hours of sleep is just my normal now, that's great. Time to shower and attempt to study through this exhaustion.

I woke up this morning thinking it was Saturday

My current grade is 69.97.
The cut off for the highest grade is 70.
I am so goddamn close to finishing this year with a first, goddamit I just need to maintain this grade and hopefully it'll get rounded up.

I'm pretty sure my interview with Farmers Insurance is going to be the last one because it's with the head of procurement so now I'm incredibly nervous.