Confess on My Wayward Son

This isn't going as planned. LOLOLOL. I guess should stop writing for the day.

He did something stupid again, trusting her.
She hurt him again. Now he's crying and saying things that are scaring his brother and I.
We love you, You don't need her - You have us.
I know you're lonely...I know it hurts...But don't kill yourself over her...She's nothing.
You're our world.
Your my best friend...

I got through it. Thank God.

Everything just sort of hit me at once, so yeah, I'm a wee bit miserable now. Four hours until I gotta be up for work. I mean, at least I slept for a few but I'm stuck sitting here until my meds kick in because when I lay down, it hurts.

Im a terrible person.

Oh, she wants to fight me. lol.

The Disney hangover is so real right now.

I only got $36 for my tax return this year. It got deposited into my account and now I have $40 total. I've only worked 20 hours this week, and I may be working even less next week, and I'm not getting any tips yet. All of my money needs to go to my car payment because my mom won't let me put it off. I won't have money to pay the $500 that I need to register for next year's classes. I won't have money to use to go down to Seattle. I won't have money to pay him back for all the things he's had to pay for, despite only getting $495 a month to live off of.

I hate this and I don't know what to do.

I'm tired. I don't want to act like everything is normal because it's not. Nothing is normal and fine. She took an axe to this entire household in one fell swoop, and I'm losing the will to understand, never mind forgive. How much abuse do we have to take before it's too much? I'm fucking tired.

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I need someone to talk to, desperately. Is this who I am to them?

Having a fucking meltdown.
So I try to relax...play a game...always helps...
GAME KEEPS DISCONNECTING ME.
FUCK SAKES.

Hair mask: check. Hot coffee in the "You Are Here" Starbucks mug for Magic Kingdom: check. GIANT SPIDER UNDER THE WINDOW. fucking check.

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I'm scared I'm invading his home and he knows damn well that I don't want to be there with those people who torment me. He knows what's going on, but with this relationship only being barely two weeks old, I'm staying here constantly and he's seeing me at almost always my worst and rarely my best.

He says he doesn't mind and that he loves me enough that I'm not being a bother; he constantly is reassuring me, but I can tell that he wants to take on my problems and fix them while letting his own eat him alive. I can see it in his eyes when he drinks and he wants me to help him stop, but I almost don't know what to do. I'm still a baby and he's seen quite a lot in life, being 24.

I care for him though; I just don't want to become the biggest bother and watch another relationship crumble apart in front of me.

I'm a second year nursing student with only 5 months of clinical experience and I'm already getting the, "Hey nurse does this look....?" and "NURSE! What does it mean that....?" and so on. It's sort of cool but at the same point I barely know this stuff, myself, yet.

Thanks for remembering my birthday family. Means a lot.

Also pretty fucked up about Manchester. They were just children.

I really want us to workout. I want the moon and stars to align and for us to work. But if not, just know I love you and will always be there for you.

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Also, does a GPA really matter in the long run? I'm not bad, but not great either. Oh well, I have 2 years and a summer to fix this. We can do this.

@ Subject A-5
happy belated birthday baby girl


I feel like an empty husk of the person I used to be...

I wasn't even sad, so why the fuck am I crying now?

It hurts. I keep hoping it will pass and it just never does.

There's nothing quite like feeling truly special but also grounded by the limitations of human earthliness (ie, not euphoric & ephemeral) by another person.
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No more of that "I'm ill so I ____ / I can't ____" bull shit for me.
I'm so done putting myself into a washing machine of feelings- thinking if I didn't properly express my fear/sadness at the time of its onset, that I have to sit in it until it explodes. I'm done with getting soggy in stale moments. I'm ready to move forward at every corner. Life is unpredictable and I have no mind except my own. The future is an idyllic illusion. I'm ready to have each moment in full and know myself so well that even if all the comforts of my life dropped away, I'd still have every layer of me to turn back to. I have symptoms of ptsd but fuck em bro, no more telling myself that it's okay to be destructive because there's a formal label for it. I'm gonna take care of myself in the right way.

@ The God of Thunder.
You go, kiddo, fuck the world up: do your thing, be awesome.

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Why can't "Harley Quinn" or "Loki Laufeyson" be actual job roles? Hell, I'd even settle for "Selena Kyle" or "Mantis" or "Oliver Queen".