Confess on My Wayward Son

@ The God of Mischief.
I LOVE YOU SOO MUCHO. Go be a Loki-nurse and do some weird sexy shit w/o clearly defined morals.
-
I don't know how to express what I feel in terms of affection!!! ?
I feel like I have all this ✨gush✨ that I need to convey, but it hits the barrier.
Words? Smooches? I don't know!
I need to clean out my emotional intestines lmao :v

I need to fix myself somehow. I have to be better. I'm trying, but I'm probably not trying hard enough.

Sometimes I just don't know how others can love me, I can't see the good in me for all the bad. When I take a step back and calm down, I know it's there, but the bad can be so overwhelming sometimes that it makes me hate myself so much. Yet, I know it's wrong to hate myself. It's wrong because it's unfair to those in my life who love me, and it's wrong because Jesus loved me so much that He died for me. So, what right do I have to hate myself? It's hard not to sometimes though. Especially when I'm going through bad mental health funks.

And part of it is that my problems aren't the kind of problems that can be made pretty or sugar-coated. They are debilitating anxiety that makes me almost non-functional and generally unpleasant to be around. They are depressive episodes that sap all the life and laughter out of me or put a weird, detached bitter edge to it that isn't me at all. They are anger issues, deep-seated and explosive, that make me lash out at those who love me and who never, ever deserve that treatment.

I should probably have sought professional psychological help a long time ago, but... I get by most of the time just fine, and that shit's expensive, and I don't want to end up on meds if I don't have to. Venting like this helps. God helps a lot, and I've been praying. I have other self-help things that help, and I'm looking into more. There's hope, I know. It just... really sucks sometimes and really gets hard sometimes.

Guys I'm so lame I have the biggest fan girl crush on Rocky Desantos/Steve Cardenas....please help.

Somehow you're always being secretive about stuff and then when I ask about it, you deny it only for you to tell him about it, it feels like a huge "Fuck you," to me. LOL Whatevs. I've been done with y'all three for a long while now.

Ugh. Even though my heart has stopped constantly hurting, it misses you deeply and wants to talk to you and be your friend.

Give it time.

Tbh, my perfect guy is probably Dick Grayson.

---

If my mother warns me one more time about how marrying my fiance now will "Ruin" my finances I'm going to explode .

There was a moment in the white-quiet noise of the speaker back then,
and a noise I could not identity,
an ancient sound in the darkness, a nordic voice in a cave, just barely there, between the static.
We were inside something, and it was raw, and clean.

And I heard that noise again,
but in the purr of a cat in the bed at night, Saharan sky raw and clean
and all around me.

DO. YOUR. FUCKING. JOB.
Our family is starving, help you bastard.

Still struggling with money. We get £1500 a month between the guys and I'm busting my arse applying and interviewing and working several hours for free just to try to get a job, and we're still fucking struggling. I'm so exhausted, where the hell does it all go? There's no way it can be all blamed on weed, we've spent £60 on weed this month. We've spent way more on drinking! Now I get to waste my Friday night hashing out how we're gonna make it through this month but I already have, I have a list of outgoings to approximate values and if someone would let me in on the bills for goddamn once I could work out when and what. I have a fiscal calender drawn up ready to fill in. I need to know how we're not doing okay. I'm tired of being left out of the loop - I'm 24 and I live here, I put in what I can and I help spend money and resources, I need to be involved. Stop protecting me, I'm a big girl who's been handling my own finances semi well for nearly 3 years now. I'm not the best with money but I'm not bad. Three quarters of my student loan went into this house and we're still fucking sinking. I'm so angry. Everyone is so passive aggressive about it and blaming each other. It's all of our faults! I drink less, I smoke less, I actively opt out of cigarettes and going to the pub to try and eek it out and make the money go further. We don't use that much electric, we hardly use any gas because of the weather. We don't eat too much and I buy the cheapest veggie alternatives available. Where is it all going!? I spent £10 visiting friends yesterday and felt enormously guilty about it. But they paid my travel last time I went up and I haven't gone home in months because I don't wanna spend bus fare and can't ask my dad to pick me up cos that's rude. We don't get takeaway - we order in maybe twice a month, and one of those is fish and chips. £25 a month on takeaway isn't a bank breaker. How have we burned through £600 in a week!!!!???? With outgoings totalling £900 per month, we shouldn't have these problems. £60 for weed shouldn't be a problem, £100 for beer shouldn't be a problem because even with both of those costs, we should have £100 a week for food and unexpected expenses.

I've been clean of self harm for 18 months and in all that time, I've never wanting to rip myself to pieces more than I do now. I'm frustrated. My hair is going more grey, my eczema is everywhere and ferocious, I've got near constant indigestion and trapped wind from the stress and my appetite is in the toilet. I've worked so hard on my mental health but I'm slipping into depression more and more. I want to go home but I don't want to be away from my boyfriend, he's also home. We need to sort this out so we can get a place of our own and get rid of the friction we go through every day because of his father and his bigotry. But we can't get out until we have money sorted, and now he has one more thing to go on about and one more thing to bang on about when boyfriend is at work. I can't keep doing this, I can't keep feeling like this. I'm almost tempted to bus over to my dad's election day and stay the weekend through to my hospital appointment. But 5 days is such a long time, and yet it's not enough.

Sorry Mibba. I feel bad for anyone who reads this post.

@ lozzieee who.
Don't feel bad hun. Hope things get better.

Right now, I don't feel like doing anything that has anything to do with public or outside of the house.. I am just in one of those mods. Depression has gotten bad and its been going on the past few days..

I just want to get better.

I feel a little bit better but I"m getting tired of feeling this way.

Well, I warned you. Now you're arrested for resisting police and stalking him.
Im his best friend, you don't test me.
Have fun in the cells.

I'm just so tireddddd.

@ Subject A-5
Please tell me she didn't! Is he alright?

---

I was scared for a second that i lost one of my library book but it was under my nose the entire time.... -_-" Hiding under the first two books. OIIIIII.

I did a really stupid thing and Facebook stalked his new wife. Total PTSD, I've been in a stupor for about a half hour. Sometimes I just can't fight these dumb urges and I know that it's going to end like this (isn't that considered binge-ing?) but I'm a morbidly curious and nosey person as well. A few months ago I would never even admit that the situation scarred me as much as it has, obviously it's been 2 fucking years and here I am, but accepting that it did....doesn't help so much. But for as long as my mom held the lot of us in the fire with that toxic relationship (it wasn't even a physical abuse or anything that I would classify as intense, it just lasted forfuckingever at 6 or 7 years: it was the most catty, petty, pathetic emotional bullshit ever) it isn't exactly surprising, either. It isn't a feeling of wanting to hurt myself or anything like that, it's just the most anxious feeling I've ever felt.

He hasn't texted me all day and it's beginning to worry me. After what he said the other night while heavily intoxicated, I'm terrified he's going to do something to himself. We've been together for two weeks, known each other a month, but I love him so goddamn much. I gave up a lot to be with him and I wish he knew that so well, but with his ex-fiance suddenly stepping into his life once again, he feels as if he has to decide between me or her.

I'm giving him time to think, but not having at least a single text from him telling me that he's okay is making me chew my fingernails off. I'm just fearful he'll leave me and just never come back. I want him to be happy and I know he'll make the choice that he think is best, but I just don't know what to do with myself while I'm forced to wait.

I just want to hear that he's okay. I keep checking my Facebook to see if it says that I'm in a relationship with him because I'm so scared.

-

Constantly stuck between the need to keep my traumas safely hidden vs. force everyone to listen to the horrible details.

i don't recognise this place

Maybe I'm just legitimately made of salt, but I think it's kinda bullshit that you write down your own stuff instead of someone elses.
Like, is there no one else you admire as much as yourself? Are you that conceited? Does the thought that someone else may be made happy and feel appreciated cause you so much pain you refuse to acknowledge them instead of yourself for once in your life? Is it like...expected? Because I don't think that was the intention of the entire thing. Maybe I'm just reading too much into the situation, I don't know. Or maybe you are just that way and always will be. Maybe it's not even you, and just a product of how you were raised? Fuck I don't know. But I'm gonna stop making excuses for your actions. There is none. I'd think of you, You should think of us...Just cause..Ya'know, we're people as well.