Confess on My Wayward Son

Come on universe, throw me a bone here. I'll take anything at this point. I just need some sort of validation for my existence.

I'm absolutely useless.

I feel so far from myself right now that I don't even know if I'm being honest anymore. I feel like I'm starting to pretend to be something I'm not and I don't know what to do about that either. I guess this is numbness. Overcompensating and a fine line. It's probably going to lead to disassociation again but I can't bring myself to care. I keep getting pushed to this point anyway.

@ Subject A-5
Nope it's because of your badassdom!

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Wow, what? That.. for some reason, that... idk.. that felt like a stab in the heart, or a slap in the face... lol. okay whatever.

Yesterday was maybe the first time in a long time that I felt that warm joy. Happiness. There were tears. They were happy tears.

It was such a small reason.

When I woke up today, my throat wasn't sore anymore. After six weeks, it finally felt better. I'm still run down but I'm healing finally. Isn't it strange how something simple can bring drastic changes?

I feel like we shouldn't have to compromise this. I have no tolerance left for abusers, or people who lack the emotional maturity to not mentally ruin a person through manipulation. And I'm scared, I'm scared for Thuy who can't let her go, and angry that she almost refuses to let her go.

Honestly, I wish I could pull what Angela did and cancel the whole thing upon finding out Thuy was bringing her. But that's another facet of maturity I guess: compromise. This outing is meant for Haunani's birthday and I'm not going to take that from her. I'm mad at Angela for backing out because more people on our end should balance out any negative she brings, but I guess I understand that Angela is just trying to protect herself as well.

I'm on high alert and there's only one strike for her before I refuse to compromise anymore. But just like Thuy says that she's trying, we're trying too. We're trying to look out for Thuy hanging out with someone who makes false rape claims after their break up, or threatens to kill herself if they don't get back together, or demanding money for her to be able to leave her apartment, lest Thuy's things get thrown out. It's hard to try to forgive all of that, and it's even harder seeing Thuy forgive all that so easily.

We'll see how this goes. I have a bad feeling in my gut, but I guess we have to support her in at least trying to bridge the gap. I just hope Thuy knows there are no second chances if she gets that first strike.

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do not go camping if you are going to sit there and complain about bugs. well guess what? that's what you get when you're outside.

I can't stop thinking about her.
I wish I could.

If I see that blender sitting the sink again with dried shake in it, I swear I'm going to lose my fucking mind.

He's leaving.

Feeling this tired should be a crime.

I've been awake for two hours and have been asked to give a nurse's opinion on four different cases. What is going on, GUYS?

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She said she didn't have any money to come down here but yet they're coming down here. Wow..... I honestly don't know where everyone claiming they're broke is pulling out all of this money to buy Nintendo Switches, go on an expensive road trips, or just to come here to visit me. Just where? Is there a money growing tree that i dont know about? Then I want some of that! I mean then I could be buying Nintendo Switches and taking a road trip across the country! Oh well, I'm actually happy being humble and having no money.

My brother will be leaving to go to the Army in less than a week and I'm so numb.

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I can't stop dissociating from everything. I used to think it was bad...but now...good god.

I'm so jealous of everyone hanging out with big groups of friends while I sit at home doing absolutely nothing because I feel like nobody likes me. I'm also jobless so I don't have the money to do things anyway.

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I hate it when I have to close. I just sit here and wallow in my misery. I tried playing a game but I'm too distracted. I'm also too tired and exhausted. I'm just breathing. That's about all I'm doing.

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I wonder if I ever cross your mind anymore.
Wherever you are, whatever you are doing ... I really wanted you to know that I want you to be happy.

Literally want to punch a hole through the wall right now

drunk and ready for bed but he would rather play need for speed, ugh.