Confess on My Wayward Son

Have you ever heard of Sacksville because if you have they're holding their first show in like 6 years in Ytown next month.
I love our little local legends.

It seems like nothing is working out in my favor recently, I swear. First things fall through with my living arrangement. Now the promotion at my work fell through. I'm so aggravated. I had quit smoking but now I've started again because of all this stress. I'm just constantly in a bad mood nowadays. My yoga practice is helping some, but things just keep piling up and I revert back to my self destructive tendencies; chain-smoking clove cigarettes, drinking peach vodka by the bottle, and isolating myself.

We've been flirting for dayyyyssss and it's so nice because we have this "Look don't touch" thing going on between us: we know it's for the sole fun of flirting and not for advancing.

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I know that I'm a sick fuck because I added her on snap to follow her stories.

I wish I could care more about the trouble I apparently got into for the time I was given off. It's not like I didn't request months in advance anyway.

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I really hope you're doing better now. It was wonderful to see you again. Hugging you was probably the highlight of my week to be honest.

I did miss you. And I wanted to tell you that I've seen the unkind comments and I don't agree with them. It upsets me when I read them. I like you as you are. But I will support you no matter what.

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I've been asking myself if it was worth it. I know in my heart that it was. But I ask anyway. Why? Because of how down I've been since I came back. Because of the treatment I've gotten. It's something I love, so I suppose the question isn't "is it worth it?". It shouldn't even be a question, should it?

I can feel myself slipping again. It only took four days. I am terrified for the day that nothing will make me smile.

I feel so alone. My family isn't a safe place for me to be. Important people have dropped out of my life. I have no idea who I am.

What I want to say is, "Keep playing with your mouth" but that would violate the perimeters set forth so instead I'll just yearn.

You know what? I'm just about done. I'm so fucking tired of having to justify myself to people. It's so tiring having to cater to everyone's needs, taking care of everyone's feelings. Then what about my feelings?

Maybe you shouldn't post your brother's entire heroin overdose episode on Facebook with pictures because a.) HIPPA b.) it's incredibly disturbing and potentially triggering to other addicts and c.) you're trying to publicly shame him.

Can Tyler Hoechlin go and fuck himself, please? || The police report is happening tomorrow and I'm scared. || I feel like I have nobody left, despite having the support of my entire family.

I just don't understand the Malay girls' obsession on having a 'white skin' that they'd go to the extent of bleaching their skin and using all those products that are nothing but bad for the health.

Nothing could have prepared me for yesterday's horror show. It was a nightmare. I left work in tears. My makeup was running down my face, burning my eyes and I literally felt so worthless in that moment that I just don't know how I can recover.

I set an alarm for this morning, and mashed snooze for about 45 minutes before finally getting up. I don't have anywhere to be, not really. I don't know why I even crawled out of bed. I should just go back.

I think I'd give anything to talk to you right now. But I'm way too chicken to ask for your time. I don't want to unload my problems onto you or anything like that. I just want to hear your voice. You make me smile. That probably sounds pathetic ...

Monopoly is not just a board game. It's a reason for siblings war.

My best friend's father is moving and has offered my husband and I to rent his house. 1,500 square feet, semi-finished basement that's suitable for hobbies, corn field as one neighbor and the other is a retired high school teacher, well water and electric heat. His asking price for rent? $300 a month such that if I wanted to quit my job and focus solely on school I could. We're officially moving out of our apartment!

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I miss Adam West daily, if I'm honest.

Boys are supposed to further along your story's progression, not BE the story god damn it!

It's 3am and I'm awake questioning my life. Not getting ready for work. Just having got home. And I'm questioning everything.

I'm so fucking broken. And it's moments like these that remind me how right they were, how right they always were. I am just a waste of space.

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Why am I so fucking chicken? Why?
Why can't I just send you a text without being afraid? I guess because ... because they always said I was this great nuisance. I over-analyse everything. Silence. The word no. Motives. Everything.

How can I tell you that ... just being able to hear your voice might help?

I'm afraid.

I am 100% not ready for next week. Also move in day is getting closer and closer and I am not excited to move a bunch of shit down from the second floor of storage, into a taxi, then into my house, then upstairs into a room. AAAAARGH and still need to do portfolio page and update website and make more things for said website and research competitions and holy shit fingers crossed Katie comes down the same day I do.

I both love and hate budgeting so much. It helps me sort my money and see where it's going every month but...it's also depressing that I'll see how much I get leftover every paycheck. And then that goes fast too because I spend frivolously on food and shit.

It also sucks when you realize you stress/emotional eat...when you're eating lunch.

This decrease in pay was a kick in the teeth. If I needed any more reason to fucking run from this job, it was that. Fuck not having a reliable range to rely on for your paycheck.

Ugh, my stomach.

Got so fucking drink I could barely make it up the stairs. Thank god for autocorrect. Good night though.

I'm too scared to show my boyfriend my writing in case I'm not as good as I've been led to believe.