Confess on My Wayward Son

I'm so glad we talked last night because of my emotional finsta-ing because it helps us not dwell on certain things. And it makes me feel really good when he responds to one of my snap stories or something, but I'll admit it's hard to keep going back to a state of silence between us every time that happens. But at least I know he cares.

has panic at the disco always been this... awesome...? I mean where was I when people were talking about it back in high school? I've been finding myself listening to bands like MCR and PATD that were extremely popular when i was in high school but yet, i didn't listen to them back them. Maybe my taste in music has changed? Cause back in high school I used to love Country, Pop (Like Brittney Spears) and I think, a little bit of of Rock... but now i just listen to stuff like Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, MCR, and whatever goes along with them... oh well. I'm just gonna sit back and listen to the songs as I write..

I feel...weird. Like I've been brought back to 2014 and 15. The peak of my feelings for Steven.
I hate that Jessie brought him back up last night. But I hate even more that...it felt almost nice thinking that he was still using my character in their D&D world. Like, yes I'd be pissed that he was using her without my permission, but it...might've felt that...he didn't have any malice against me. Like, knowing that she was my girl, but being okay enough to have her still exist. As if...he were still thinking about me. And it turns out nah, he's not--Jessie got the names of the characters wrong.

Which. I tell myself I don't care about. But obviously I do at some level, which I fucking hate. And then out of the blue, out of desperation of not knowing what to listen to while at work today, I decide to play my old Vocaloid playlist...that reminds me so much of Steven because I made it while he was in Japan, and having stumbled onto his YouTube page, I saw he had a Vocaloid playlist as well. And that silly song I learned entirely in Japanese for him, that I sang with shaking voice at the bar, knowing that he knew the exact meaning of what I was singing. I've since changed mindset so that when I play that song it reminds me of James but...it's hard to erase its origin for me I guess.

And then I find out that he's not going to be teaching at UHM anymore--he's job searching right now, which could very well mean he might finally go back to the mainland. Which is good. I think. Initially I was a little upset at the idea of him not being here because then it's less leverage to have Susette come back to visit. But then I started thinking stupid shit...like how I still want to bump into him to show him how much better I have been. And...maybe to see if there was still any semblance of a friendship there...which I don't think I want, but...I won't deny it's something I considered. But I'm angry that I'd even think about giving him any sort of second chance of being in my life.

I thought I was over this. I was doing so well for so long. Fucking hell.

EDIT: That's always gonna be the kicker--the lack of explanation. Sure I can infer, but the fact that I wasn't even worth an explanation...that's what's so fucked up. You didn't care enough to even tell me what exactly was wrong, even if it was blatantly obvious what it was (you couldn't handle being a first response person to someone depressed enough to attempt suicide, which is understandable. But you could at least tell me rather than that stupid vague "We should take some time off" bullshit you gave me at that bar). I did you the courtesy of it. But apparently I wasn't worth even that.

My hands have been uncontrollably shaky the last little while. I can't figure out if it's the anxiety or the difficult and long hours/lifting I've been doing since I was able to get back into some semblance of a work routine.

I am afraid of my current job on many levels, to the point that it's stressing me to illness. Is that why I'm sick today? I don't generally begin at the laryngitis stage. For all I know it could have been the being stuck in close quarters indoors for a couple days with no power/hot water BS during the hurricane.

---

Honestly all I've done this morning is cry.

I wish I had been able to talk to you the other day.

In the wake of being single, all the old feelings I have for my best friend are resurfacing, and I'm not okay with it. He doesn't want me in that way, and really, I don't want him either; we're hardly compatible when you look at our interests and personalities. But he's sweet and smells nice and he's someone you want to want. IDK. I think my heart is just trying to latch on the closest possible person, and I'm working hard to not let it do that.

___

On the flipside of that, once again I am reminded how much I was created to love someone, to be someone's person. It's the thing I'm my best at, and I miss loving someone. Specifically, I miss my ex. But he doesn't deserve any concern from me.

I can sense the lack of respect in the body language, I can hear the disdain in the voice. What changed? I thought it was finally going to be better at work. I really did. But I feel betrayed and stabbed in the back. After everything, after all the support I gave ... this is my just desserts. The anxiety, all the tears, the exhaustion and illness. This is what I get for going above and beyond. Overworked and underappreciated has never been more apt than now.

---

I had a dream about going to England last night. Maybe it was because I was due to fly there at the end of the week if my plans hadn't fallen through. It's been three years. I can hardly believe it's been so long. In the dream, I kept going back over and over and I was so happy. It felt like home, whatever that was. Whatever that means ...

I woke up and I think I was crushed that I was here.

---

It's only getting worse. I'm just so tired and I hurt so much.

It made me happy that you reached out, if for just a moment. I can't be selfish and ask for more ... though I want to. I think that if I could just forget all of it, for just a little while ... it would help. Just a little.

I feel like running again. Is this what my life is? I remember thinking, perhaps in a juvenile notion, when I was a teenager that all I am good for is suffering. A doormat. That there's no other use for me. Sometimes I'm afraid that I was right.

Microbursts I can handle but hurricanes are making me wish I'd never agreed to move back to Florida. I have no idea how you guys do it every year.

My brother's fiancee keeps sending me ideas for color palettes for their wedding and it makes me feel all that I'm included like this.

---

*sigh*

When you want to go to bed because your inner 98 year old is tired as shit but you're consoling your brother in law. Lord help me through this.

---

I'm just drowning in my morning coffee, don't mind me aspirating or anything.

I hate the dentist and I just chipped my tooth, ahdaduGH why

Well, that was fucking boring.

Reading that snapped something in me. But for the better--tension that I was aware I was holding onto but not knowing for what reason. A string that had been cut in previous months with the help of therapy and a supportive boyfriend. One that got teased and taught again due to a friend's off-hand mention of you, which isn't even part of our current conversation anymore. And that Reddit post just reminded me that I've gone back to toxic habits, ones that I worked so hard to reverse.

No more checking up on you, or her. No more wanting an explanation--do I deserve one? Sure. But that isn't going to push you toward giving one, and I have to let go of that resentment lest it try to destroy me like it did on Monday. No more trying to show you up or beg for attention. I've blocked you on every social media platform I can think of, and her as well so that I don't get tempted to see if she's talking about you either. It's obsessive, it's weird, it's wrong.

I want peace, but I won't be able to find it if I'm too busy picking at my wounds.

This is the first pure, true, good mood I've been in in....months.

---

Whenever I walk into the local comic shop with my husband (formerly my fiance, formerly my boyfriend) I always get judged. I can feel it slick on my back, "She's only here to appease him", "She just puts up with this", "She humors him". And I'm fucking sick of it.

I know I bitch about it because the music is louder than I want sometimes but I could literally watch you dance for the rest of my life. not even for any sexual reason (you think so low of me just because I proposed to you that one time we were drunk and you were dancing) but because I just love to watch you. that sounds creepy as fuck out of context though. I'm just really fucking in love with you? but you're also really fucking good at what you do so let me pretend I'm just admiring the art form and not you as a whole, thanks.

---

I wish you would have explained to me what changed in two days. how you could go from promising me one thing to just disappearing without so much as a goodbye. I would have assumed you were dead if I didn't have your instagram. it's getting easier but at this point, if you just reappeared, I would probably tell you to fuck off now. maybe a month ago, my stupid ass would have found it in me to forgive you because that's what I always did for you when you walked all over me. but now it's too long and too far, and I know that I don't deserve this anymore. I want to say that you could be on your death bed and I wouldn't care with how much you've abandoned me, but I'm not there yet. I want to be because my god do I want to stop caring about you like you apparently stopped caring about me. but I also say all this like you're ever going to remember I exist.

thanks for 7 years of nothing, I guess. I'm glad that I could be your placeholder until you found better. I don't forgive you but I'll move on.

A death and a birthday in the same hour, I'm shaking.

I honestly hate the weekends. I'm too alone with my thoughts.

Lately, I've just been feeling so suffocated where I am. I feel like I need to make changes in my life, but I just don't have the means to do it. I need to get out of this town and make a fresh start, but I have no idea how to do that and it's driving me crazy. I'm tired of being here and I want to fucking leave.

I feel so off and shit.

I keep wondering when I'll stop being so exhausted. It's probably not normal to feel like you're not attached to your body and on the verge of blacking out when you get up lol. Bonus: I can't actually tell what's legitimate exhaustion from a fucked sleeping schedule and what's mental/emotional exhaustion anymore. I think I'm just all three now. So that's problematic.

What a joke you are...