Confess on My Wayward Son

Chicago Fire needs to stop killing off the good characters. I couldn't even finish the first episode of season 6. THANKS A LOT.

Another girl I went to high school with is getting married today. And I'm about to create a profile on the fourth dating app I've installed and continue to kid myself into thinking that I'm ever going to find anyone who thinks I'm good enough.

It's honestly just so frustrating sometimes. I don't even know how to put my thoughts into words without being like UGH. I'm not asking that you tell me what you're doing with said person like shit, I don't want that. But it feels like you're doing shit without me on purpose?? Like you're sneaking around?? Cheating on me HAHAHA oh god. I didn't even tell you that I had uni or whatever, I just said that I wasn't free until after this date. An invite would've been nice even though I wouldn't have been able to go, y'know? Just like a "I know you're busy Alex but I just thought I'd extend the invitation." Like I do with my other friends so they don't think that I'm leaving them out. Like fuck. I always extend the invite even when I don't fucking want to if that person has expressed an interest in going out but I don't necessarily want them there, but I do it anyways because well idk things could be different and it could be fun and I don't like to make others feel like they're being excluded??? Idk. It's just a shitty feeling to feel like you're being excluded on purpose and I really hope I haven't made anyone feel like that.

My friend asked me the other day why I'm still friends with them and honestly, honest to god it's a) because I can't shake them off even when I have tried (lol) and b) out of habit. Idk. They're my oldest friends and I do love them, but I can't be as close with them as I used to be. Things change. People grow. I was going down the path of turning into my best friend (is she even my best friend though???) and I can't do that. Shit. I want more in life. I deserve more than that. Maybe by 2018 I'll finally be able to let go. Haha. Who knows.

[edited]

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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I'm just super creeped out but that's okay because it's October.

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I 100% get that it was his Flying Grayson's outfit and that you don't make fun of anyone or question anyone who is hanging around Batman like that -- but holy Christ, Bruce needed to have a talk about pants with that boy.

I feel a bit selfish but I actually wish it was them moving out instead of you.

"I don't like your therapist, she isn't doing her job."

Funny, I don't recall asking for your opinion on the matter of my therapist.

I'm sick and tired of you making me feel like shit for buying something for myself. I just gave you a damn daughter, whom you don't spend any time with, I have no clothes that fit me, so I go and buy some, then you interrogate me on where I spent the money and what I bought like it was a fucking crime. I wish you would stop making me feel like shit for buying something for myself. You're not ever home anymore, so why do you care what i do and don't buy. You make damn near 2000 dollars every pay. Quit bitching because I buy something for myself. Maybe if you hadn't asked me to quit my job to spend time with you, I wouldn't be buying shit with your money, which you also said I could do.

Forcing myself to have a more positive attitude is definitely helping a little bit in terms of squashing negative thoughts.

Dying my hair. Red, not black. I'd like to to be black.

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I just did an hour's worth of practice questions holy hell shoot me in the foot. It didn't even feel like an hour.

I love how I go from 100 to 0 in the blink of an eye for no reason at all. I was fine and then I wasn't. And I don't know if it's because I'm tired and things are catching up with me or what. I just really don't like how dark things just became and how I feel like there's this weight on me. I should probably just sleep so I don't actually throw myself off a bridge.

I know I'm learning a lot in practice versus in text books because while my grades are passing I can see a child and pick out 3 problems with appropriate solutions. Needless to say, I'm also getting on everyone's nerves.

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Fall Out Boy tomorrow with a best friend. My inner emo kid is comming OUT.

sometimes I look at you and the depth hits me. not for any real reason either. you're not doing anything, we're not having some moment or something. tonight, you were literally just eating french fries and watching TV. it wasn't anything we don't do practically every night. but I just looked at you and I had this really abrupt and clear thought that you're the love of my life. just straight up "I'm going to marry him." and that thought is always there too. it's not new. I've known for a year now. you don't just move practically across the country for some casual relationship that you don't know if it's going anywhere. I know with every fiber of my being that you're the rest of my life. it's just sometimes I look at you and I have the surreal realization that I'm looking at my other half and you're fucking unreal

but I also know a lot of the surreality comes from the fact that I didn't even think you existed for years. I didn't actually think there was someone out there that would just be there for me unconditionally. not after all the people that left, not after what happened with my family. despite all my bullshit, you were always there without hesitation. it didn't matter when I had that manic episode, it didn't matter when I went those weeks where I didn't want to do anything because it was always a "you know I love you, right?" and I can't believe you exist. I didn't believe you did for years and now I still can't believe you do. and you really are the love of my goddamn life.

FOB was just as good as they ever were and it was too short and it was so awesome and it's over and it's the next day and I'm going through withdrawals.

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Also for the first time I felt old at a concert. There were a lot of former emo kids at the concert but we were seated such that we were surrounded by a ton of young fans. Like fans who were under the age of 17, there with their parents, and who couldn't sing along to anything older than American Beauty/American Psycho. So while my friend and I were living out the songs off of FUTCT and IoH these kids were just sort of....staring. Hum Hallelujah was played and this one kid looked so disturbed at the sound of it. Sorta breaks my heart. I just hope that the concert maybe leads some of the new fans into the older songs: this band can get them through anything if it got me through my adolescence.

I work 15+ hours a day, and the stress is killing me. But the work has to be done, and the rest of my life is falling apart so I just throw myself into work to avoid it.

My love life is an absolute mess, and the worst part is that I created the mess all myself

There's too much going on, I can't breathe. I'm trying to balance uni with home and my relationships and everything is crumbling at once. One is always impacting the other. Sometimes I think people don't take my education as seriously as they would if it was a job instead and I worry that if I tell everyone that right now, my priority is my degree that I'll be viewed as selfish. But it's not just my degree, this is my whole life - I want to build a career off this, and that career will pay for the life I want, marriage and kids and our own house and a job I love and worked hard for. I had an anxiety attack on Monday that I haven't told anyone about 'cause I don't want anyone knowing how stressed I am incase they blame themselves but Goddamnit it is their fault. There's no fucking around now, this is third year, there are no other chances. I need silence, I need to throw my stupid phone out the fucking window, I need time.

I'm so over dating apps. I wish to have some kinda beautiful love story like in movies and TV shows 'cause I'm pathetic like that.

@ raja sahara
I hear you 100%. All the men I find on there only want one thing and i'm so over it lol

I'm never satisfied.