Confess on My Wayward Son

I've been miserable for the past year of my relationship. I'm tired of it, and I've finally found someone that can make me feel happy and appreciated [or I hope I have] but now that it comes to breaking up with my boyfriend, I want to so desperately but he has to come home for me to do that, and I don't want him to. I don't want to be near him, or talk tok him, or confront him. I'm terrified of what his reaction will be when I tell him that I don't want to be with him anymore.

My fiance's mom is utterly nice, and generally a good person and I like her a lot but I'm just getting kind of annoyed again because she calls him all the damn time, and texts him. She called him like 6 out of 7 days this week. And we saw her in person twice this week as well. The one night she called him literally fifteen minutes after we had just dropped her off at her house. This seems excessive to me and honestly it's getting on my nerves lately. No offense to her, I know she loves her sons, but she needs to lay back a bit. I don't ever see my mom calling my brothers everyday (and if they don't answer immediately proceeding to call three times in a row - what is that shit?) or even texting with them on a daily basis. The most I see her talk to them is maybe twice a week over the phone and that's not very common and only if there's a purpose to the conversation. Because she realizes they have their own lives, one of them is married, he's busy with a new wife, he has his own life, my mom gets that. My fiance's mom seems to not understand this as well. We're engaged...we're getting married in a few months, we have our own life together now and it's totally natural for us to pull away from our parents and start our own family. She's kind of putting herself in the middle, even when he's spoken to her about doing that before in the past. I want to be blunt about it and tell this to him but I feel like I'm being rude or overreacting.

God I don't even know what I hate the most about this. The fact that I cried over you, someone I barely know - because I was stupid enough to get too attached too quickly and now that I've realised I like you, it would turn out that you're not interested in me. Everything I do feels so forced, so overbearing??? And now I just feel like some creepy ass manchild or something along those lines but probably less dramatic because I wanted to hold your hand and you didn't. Even though on the day we met you held MY hand. And I know you said you were busy with uni and stuff and I know you also said you weren't dumping me but at this point I would almost rather you did because I really really really don't like feeling like I'm on edge because I'm so clearly so fucking insecure over this.

I hate how all of this makes me feel. And I hate even more that you didn't kiss me or hold my hand because I just wanted to show affection and when it was okay before, it suddenly wasn't now. I just want to know what I did wrong. Damn. Time to watch some dog videos and/or get Tinder back. I'm not ready for anything anyways. Better to be single.

I'm on vacation from work but with all this school stuff it definitely doesn't feel like it. I'm not sure how I was doing this WITH work now that I have a pause from it....

edited, as predicted

Y'know, for someone who keeps talking about wanting to get out of this job quickly, I sure am taking my sweet time putting my application in for the position at Kaiser. That's always been a thing with me--I can't tell if it's laziness/apathy, or if I'm afraid of change, or what. Maybe I'm just tired of the grind, but how else am I supposed to survive?
I'd love to just...stop. Take a breather, stop stressing about everything so much. But what else even is my life?

matt murdock:

Y'know, for someone who keeps talking about wanting to get out of this job quickly, I sure am taking my sweet time putting my application in for the position at Kaiser. That's always been a thing with me--I can't tell if it's laziness/apathy, or if I'm afraid of change, or what. Maybe I'm just tired of the grind, but how else am I supposed to survive?
I'd love to just...stop. Take a breather, stop stressing about everything so much. But what else even is my life?

^^ I feel this so much.

---

His mother is driving me nuts.

My stomach feels upset, like it always seems to now around the holidays. It's only the second holiday season without someone who literally held us all together, and I can see how it's tore us apart. Without my aunt, we don't even act like a family anymore. I miss her.

edit: Oh, I'm sad. I wish I knew why.

I miss you. Of course I do. Maybe I don't have the guts to say it outright, to you. But I miss you and I hope you're well.

Opportunity called so I called back and got...someone else’s voicemail? Going to try back in about 30 minutes here.

Every day, I look on the Arizona Humane Society website for adoptable cats and dogs and the names these people give these pets are so hilarious. Soy Sauce, Oogie Boogie, Sherlock Bones, Justin Hamsterlake, Milo Ventimiglia (for a kitten)...Like I would quit my job right this second to have the sole job of naming these lil guys.

Also, I want them all.

I don't know what's wrong with me right now, or this past week for that matter. I don't think I messed up my sleep schedule that much by staying up late Monday night, but I just feel so lethargic. But even past that, like complaining about being tired is even too much for me (but here I am anyway?). Like it took me 3 hours to do my morning stuff, and then another 2 hours to data enter three forms. My initial reaction was that this place just sucks the life out of me...because when I get home I'll probably be okay, at least enough to play Stardew Valley for a few hours, or watch Stranger Things with James...

I guess I have to take into account that our dog had a seizure yesterday and we had to take her to the vet again...but y'know. There's nothing I can really do about that except keep an eye on her and hope it doesn't happen again.

3 more weeks and I'll be on a plane to Japan with James. So that's something to look forward to I guess.

...Christ, I'm like a shell of myself, I gotta do something, anything to get myself out of this slump. And no self, I know you're thinking it, but shots of Jameson aren't gonna help (...I mean maybe in the right company, but not just for the sake of being drunk). God, I feel like I'm losing it just sitting here talking to myself.

Why do some people get to experience this deep, amazing love and some don't? I know I sound bitter, but it's just not fair. Every day I feel less and less deserving of something like that and I just know that if I want anything close to that, I'll have to settle. Or more than likely, someone will have to settle for me.

Hey-key gonna fall back into my Thorki ways after seeing the third movie. They look so hot together.

I did jack shit today (yesterday?) for NaNo so I'm gonna try and do at least 4-5k words.
Also, I always hate seeing kids on TV! Because it reminds me that I'll never be able to have my own biological ones. All I want in my life is to be a dad.

I'm kinda glad they came back because watching all the dogs at night was a bit stressful. But I can't say i still don't like his drinking habits.

I'm really tired. I'm tired of being belittled, looked down on and brushed to the side. I'm tired of feeling like I'm constantly fucking up, like people don't really want me around. There's always gonna be someone better, someone... I don't know. I'm just wondering what the hell has happened and I wish I could talk to people about it but I can't because I'm not taken seriously.

I'm just tired. I want to tell people it annoys / upsets me when they do certain things but I hate approaching people and I'd be made to look pathetic. Ehhhh

I went back to my old username. I couldn't resist it.

I’m thirsting for Erik Killmonger so bad

I feel useless.