Confess on My Wayward Son

I'll theoretically - based on uni guidelines anyway - get my first End Course result next week. The first big grade of this year. Just realised today that it's been nearly four weeks since I handed it in. Then the week after is the second big grade. If I fail either of them, I don't get a graduation at all; I'll graduate late without the celebration and with a capped grade. If I fail either of them, the 2:1 dream is gone 'cause there'll be no pulling back from it. If I fail either of them, all motivation for my dissertation will go out the window 'cause I'll no longer see the point. Why did I have to check? Why did I do this to myself? There's nothing I can do to change things now, what I get is what I deserve and if I'm not happy I should have worked harder then. But now I'm gonna be on edge until they're out. Why am I like this.

I don't like his pants...is that reason enough to not date someone?

(I'm shallow I'm sorry)

I need to be in bed but I can’t sleep but it’s 11:30pm and I have to be up at 4:30am. This clinical is going to be the death of me. I don’t even care if I go in tired, tbh.

I've almost made it through my first night shift, only 40 minutes left. I didn't die and I didn't fall asleep so that was a positive. But I felt completely incompetent because it's been forever since I've been in acute care and I've never been here so everything felt weird and foreign but very familar at the same time.

Next shift will be better. I got this

All I want is to feel that excitement again with someone. I'm starting to think it'll never happen

February 26, pleaaaaase hurry up! PLEASE.

There's a difference between constructive criticism and plain old being critical. Yes, people need to learn the difference who receive it and not assume you're being rude. But I also believe we need to watch how we're coming across because if you're doing the latter, you're part of the problem.

I bet she's upset that i "accidentally" blocked her. Tbh, I didn't even know how to respond to her insistence of helping me with my stories and her wanting to cowrite with me. But oh well. She'll have to get over it because not everyone is gonna wanna do things with you, just because you're nice to them. Sure being nice is a great way to start things off but if our first conversations were nothing more than "Thanks for the review," and "oh, you're welcome, it's a great story," then yeah, that's not gonna make me want to collab with you. It'll make me want to get to know you, but not be your BFF right off the bat.

I promised myself I would get rid of all the negativity in my life and everything you've done and everything I've found out about you has proven that you're one of the people I have to cut out. I would apologize, but the funny thing is... I'm not actually sorry.

Work Crush is wearing green today and honestly, it's his color.

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OG Work Crush is leaving and honestly, I'm sad. He was a funny guy and kind of the life of the party.

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Texting a hot fuckboy doctor and honestly, whatever

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I didn't mean to write "honestly, [words]" after all those sentences but I appreciate my own repetition.

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Also I'm scared of posting blogs in case my ex sees them. Because he read them all the time (once I told him about my Mibba Life smh) and I'm not talking to him now to know if he still does (up until we stopped talking he did so who knows). I deleted all my social media and blocked him on the ones I still have so he and I couldn't see each other so I really don't want him to read my blogs.

i dont understand people sometimes. >.>

I'm logged on here for the first time in years but I feel kinda sad that most of my friends are gone.

I'm like. Idk. I'm not sad or angry or mad or anything but I'm a little down and I have no reason to be and I hate that I'm this person because I am so not this person and I know that I just have to block to move on and I thought I had moved on. Because I honestly don't think about him at all unless I'm in the mood (lmao) and even then it's like eh. But then we talk and he says sweet shit and it's like ??????? WHO GAVE YOU THE permission lmfao. Fingers crossed he forgets about me inviting him to his birthday lmfao

Agh stop torturing yourself, the results will come when they come. I know they're late, I know you're worried. But your lecturers have more to do than grade your paper, regardless of how important it is to you. Focus on what you're doing now, the assignments that are due and the dissertation you keep bitching about. The email will come. Just stop checking Blackboard and getting annoyed that they're not there. Stop feeding your anxiety, you idiot, it runs on this kind of stuff and that anxiety can crush you. Don't let it happen again.

"And then there's the soft mattress. It starts out okay but then collapses over time like a pair of cheap sneakers or Anakin Skywalker." This commercial kills me every time.

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But the real reason I came here is because 2005 is calling me with its black skinny jeans and too much eyeliner again. I get really edgy when I get nostalgic, and not in that literal way. Like a mental one where I long for disjunct in my life that, of course, I don't really want. It's like nostalgia pushes me onto a cliff.

Work Crush has a girlfriend

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Either he's not a fuckboy...or he's an extreme fuckboy

I hate that I’m scared to talk to any guy

Money in general can fuck off.

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Just hit a quarter way through my dissertation - something I'm super proud of cos it means I've written nearly 1000 words today - and no one cares. I don't know whether I'm allowed to feel butt hurt over that or not. Just can't remember the last time someone said I make them proud. Results are rarely praised. Feels like I could get a first class and everyone will say 'nice' and quickly move on to their lives. I know I'm not entitled to it but an acknowledgement at all would make it seem like it matters. Or am I just being a prick?

If you put a fight scene that's timed to 4/4 to a 4/4 song it's basically my favorite thing ever. Especially if the song makes no sense to the scene. Grade A comedy I'll laugh every time. And if the song makes sense to it I'll watch in awe because I'm a nerd who loves to watch mathematical repetition in motion.

I wish I didn't feel like this. I wish I wasn't curled in a ball, staring at the blank darkness of my mind.

I wish I wasn't so scared to reach out, like I'll just annoy the first person I talk to. I hate this.