Confess on My Wayward Son

it feels weird coming back on here. it's never a good sign for me when i visit, especially at some stupid time of the night.

@ the god of thunder.
Unfortunately, Jeff Goldblum reminds me of my dad in some strange way.

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I'm in such a balanced mood tonight. I just want to float in the fabric of the universe with the rocks (my brothers) and the aliens (my sisters) and enjoy the gas, stars, matter, and the void between it all. I just want to radiate with my fellow molecules.

Things are going to go back to exactly the way they were. Maybe not immediately, but soon enough. I can't deal with this. I can't have that negativity back as a constant. I'm trying to get better and this will do the opposite.

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Aaaaand I'm back on meds. 2018 has ended up no better than its ugly older siblings.

Just want a yard and a porch.

I'm deeply unsure of my relationship but the thought of calling things off quite literally makes me cry. I can't stand the thought of losing him, but I'm also not entirely sure he's the one and I don't know how to deal with it.

I've been seeing him less than usual due to work late, and I feel so lonely. When I saw him over the past two days it lit everything up for me and I was so happy, but then he left and I'm doubting myself again. I want to be with him but I also want to be a wild, single party girl again, I miss those days.

I don't feel I can talk to anybody about this, nobody seems to understand without judgement.

I just feel so unworthy of your friendship. I don't want you to be chained to me. You're a graduate now, you've got so many doors left to open. I just... don't see myself being an asset to you.

Talladega Nights will always be one of my favourite films, but I can't help but be reminded of the first time I saw it and that period of my life still confuses me. It's weird how pretty much anything can fuck with my head at the moment

Listening to 80's music has never felt better than it is now. <3
_________
My head hurts and I'm tired. But I can't sleep. Thaaaaanks brain.

Christ, any more for any more today, universe? Just really peppering the niggling pieces of bad news and crappy little bad events in, all these lovely minor inconveniences that add up to that horrible, horrible feeling in my belly that makes me shake and want to vomit and lose my breath a little. Really, really sick of this shit.

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You know it is possible to have a conversation about your mental health and my mental health without it being a competition. We can compare and contrast but there is no winner, we're all losers cos we're mentally fucking ill. It doesn't matter who suffers worse, why do you have to jump on my experiences and assure me yours are so much worse. I just wanted to talk to someone who understands.

Thankfully the Space force not supported by congress, who actually has the power to create the branch. In general though, it's ridiculous. The only way I would legitimately back an outer-space military presence (ME the space nerd) is if we had: artificial gravity, advanced weapons that are NOT based in artillery (i.e. free energy weapons or something similar, because lasers are way too unpredictable), advanced fueling techniques that would not require trips back to the surface or for surface dwellers to deliver fuel to space bound vessels, and vessels that are able to make 90 degree turns in a full range of velocity. I would like to add that if the idea is that we can do this all by AI and satellites within 200 miles of the surface (was this elaborated on at all?) then it is not the Space force, it is the Satellite force. All satellites orbit at no more than 200 miles above the surface and to avoid collisions with them this force would need to be able to operate at a distance further than that, simply because we're not talking about an orbiting presence (like the ISS which has a predictable path through all other orbiting objects) but a truly active one. To further this, why the actual hell do we need a Space force against human kind? We have an entire planet to blow each other up on and in most cases, unfortunately, a military presence is going to prefer to blow each other up on the surface because they CAN claim casualties: the more people you kill, the more threatening your power, the easier you can take a land. If you blow up everyone within the White House probably just killed all the right people to be able to take the country for your own, if you blow up a US Space force base you can take....the debris? A Space force should be about uniting against interplanetary threats, be they asteroids, comets, or extraterrestrial beings, rather than a fancy way to "Defend" ourselves. At our current technological state it's simply superfluous.

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Also does anyone else feel like separating kids from their families AND withdrawing from the UN's Human Right's Council is a major Nazi-esque move? I have very bad feelings about the coming years as an American.

I’m feeling so uncertain about my friendships and family ties right now.

Getting on my back about something is a marvelous way to make me not respond to ANYTHING you have to say. Constructive criticism is one thing but demands and guilt trips are another.

I just prayed for about half an hour last night before going to bed. What i prayed for? For my heart to stop, and honestly, for around 10 minutes after, my chest started hurting. Then I started to Think of a thing i had planned today, and started feeling like shit about how, if I died, she would have had no idea and still Think I was picking up the kids. I felt guilty but got over it rather quickly, but the pain in my chest went away. I’m so angry, I don’t want to go back home, I just wanna leave everything behind. I’m so damn tired of not belonging anywhere. I don’t have anyone.

I don't want to die, but being alive ain't all that fun either. I really do worry about the state of the world and how nastiness seems to be the norm right now. Compassion seems to have well and truly gone out the window. There's no empathy. Has the world always been this way and I've just been too blinded by innocence and naivete to see it? Or was it good for a while and it's going back to shit? All the leaps and bounds we've made to come together as a species. Who would have thought that in the 21st Century we'd be taking steps backwards.

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I can't remember the last time I had the appetite for three reasonable square meals. Two is a stretch. You'd think I'd be losing weight but all those missed meals get replaced with garbage food like sweets and biscuits. Is it gonna be 200 kcals or 3000 today? Who knows?

If only >.>

I just want to sleep. And sleep. And sleep.
I hope I don't wake up.

I actually hate you and I'm sorry but I'm not Ya feel?

My expectations have been a little too high lately and I don't know why I've been expecting her to be the mother she claims she wants to be but she's barely made any effort.

I hope this works.

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I'm sick. That's the bottom line. Accept it or don't bring it up again.

the glow of the cities below lead us back / to the places that we never should have left.

entire goddamn mood and point of this mammoth of a story I'm settling in to write.
I have a notebook stuffed with bullet points for the themes I want to thread through it.
this story will get me deeper inside Chris and Eddie than I have ever seen before.
and I want to see them. I love them. my soul is fucking on fire when they are tangled up with me.