lots of work talk.
______
I've been feeling really insecure at work. Things changed. I started there in this ground-ground level position and I worked my way up because I had a lot of charisma, strong drive, and a desire to please. I did so much more than I ever needed to. I focused on maintenance and helpfulness when I had free time or the opportunity to multitask. Soon I was doing tasks that people in my position were not even permitted to do. I always took pride in it. People always made me so confident about it.
But I mean, it was my first job at 16, and I set the standards early for the 6 years I stayed doing it. I never got a raise above min. wage (no one ever did) and I started getting so many more demands/expectations placed on me without true compensation. So I really, really, really did expect to be taken on (and enthusiastically taken on) as a higher employee once I hit grad school, but I was offered a per diem position instead of a legitimate one. Just from that staff meeting, I know that I don't sit equally with my coworkers. I just don't. Something has changed and what used to be the place where I THRIVED, where my best qualities literally all came to the surface and I felt strong interpersonal bonds, is not that place for me anymore. I don't feel that my voice, areas of expertise, or agency are visible now.
We had a little meditative session at the end of the day, and one aspect of it was mindful listening. A middle-to-older aged woman who I've worked with 5ever told me a lot about her current conflict (I admire her strength so much) and in return, I shared how I was having a rough time transitioning from being a golden child to a someone who can carve out her own autonomous space and free herself of perceived judgement. I AM hard on myself. I'm hard as fuck on myself. But when she repeated my own words back to me, she gave some wisdom that these people have watched me become an adult from a kid. I cannot separate myself from that, but when I go out in other places, they won't have that prior image.
And then, while I was sitting in the meeting, the HR woman from the place I'd applied to called me back. !!! I was so nervous and thought I'd have to wait until Monday, but she called me as soon as I got back home.
She gave me this amazingly flattering statement of, "We got in touch with your references and they affirmed what we pretty much already knew: we want you to be the person who fills this role." And WOW I'm just so fucking happy and proud.
The phone interview had made me feel stupid but then they called me back for round 2 and I felt so AMAZING about the in person one. I walked out saying that if I didn't get it, there was nothing more I could have done, because I out-performed myself on that one lmao.
Overall, (it's a painful, painful, almost unbearable trend in my life) I've been feeling so inadequate and immature and incompetent BUT NOW just remembering the time frame that they were interviewing for, all those people they ran through, all the levels at which I proved myself, all the confidence-INFESTING things my recommenders said (ie, my old boss, when asked "what areas could she improve upon?": "Katrina did more than anyone in her job position, she didn't just have everything but she had more. I wanted to raise her up") is remaking me.
I just.
I can't wait to start fresh and rebuild instead of dragging all this mess behind me. I can't wait to build autonomy, apply my skills, make new connections where I feel equal to my peers. I am so happy this all threaded itself the way it did. I feel so proud and affirmed, and I hope it's something I can hold on to before my insecurities rear up next.
September 29th, 2018 at 09:13am
