Confess on My Wayward Son

Everyone thinks you have a thing for me, but I know damn well...it's just you as a person, but part of me hopes you do. I know nothing will happen though because you have your issues and hang-ups, and I'm not even sure what I want myself, this is ass though. It really is, wish we'd met under different circumstances. Just ugh.

Tbh it's been three years and I'm still not over the moment Kylo Ren first took off his helmet. I gasped, the audience gasped, and somewhere in the distance of my mind Squidward shouted.

Something feels weird. I hope I'm just paranoid...

edit: yep, just paranoid

Being poor isn't a choice. Stop acting like it's easy to get a white collar, salaried job when the exact people who need it can't afford to retrain in a better paying sector. These are people who didn't have the opportunity of university, who left school and went straight into work to help support their struggling families. They're trapped in manual labour jobs, earning minimum wage and being exploited by greedy employers and they have no choice but to stay because they have no other skills, and they can't get more because there are next to no opportunities for older people to retrain for free. And they need it most because the area they've always worked in is being eroded because machines are cheaper and more efficient than they are. But no, it's their fault there aren't any jobs or any opportunities to get out, they're just lazy and content to sit on benefits even though it's fucking soul destroying and no one would choose a £600 a month life. Help them.

coming back to mibba is always like coming back to a dear friend; warm and ever-present.

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I've thought about you sometimes, but not in a positive way. Believe me when I say I'm over you because it only took a month after we stopped talking to finally feel free, but I've only been thinking because of what we agreed on. That we'd become good friends soon.

Honestly? I can't do it. I can't be friends with someone I respect so little. I can't be friends with someone so uneducated in social justice (and who makes me feel like shit for my own views, which I think is the worst part). I can't be friends with someone who just all around makes me feel like I want to die because of how not-good of a human being they are. I just can't.

I hope putting that out there gives me some relief. Maybe in like five or ten years I'll change my mind, but for now, I'm great without you.

Writing down all my extra expenses, the ones that are recently past-due and ones that are upcoming (some obligatory, some necessity). And I'm realizing once more that I don't get paid enough, especially after that past paycheck where we didn't get our incentive bonus, which makes me not trust any regular paycheck anymore. And I know I keep seeing James spend his money so frivolously sometimes, but I won't say anything about it because he worked hard for it.

But I keep coming to a standstill, where I'm fighting against what I want to do, what I hope for us for the future, and what I absolutely need to do. I worry myself sick over this shit over and over again and I just. Don't know how much more I can take. I feel like I could sell all my worldly possessions and it still not ever be enough. I hate that my life is just this now, and that what my future seems to hold is just more of this.

The urge keeps coming back, and I keep having to fight it back, but I'm not as strong as I used to be. And that's scary, and I know therapy would help, but it's just another thing I can't afford. So. Fuck me then.

Which came first, the depression or the joint pain? Honestly who cares, they both suck and I wish I was cured of everything so I could be normal and properly happy.

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What a difference a day makes. Yesterday he was getting a long weekend which his best friend made even cooler by buying him Red Dead 2. Today, he's working those days cos someone else is off and more events have been booked. This guy has pulled double time - literally as his only colleague is on bereavement - and worked his arse off and barely stopped since teaching began. And some child who has had several weeks off recently gets priority. He asked around to make sure it would be okay, that nothing was on, that he was free to take that time. He got the green light. Until it was yanked away. I'm so pissed off for him.

They don't seem to realize how much they let him get away with not doing any chores >.> But then again it's all his fault for letting him do nothing and only yelling at him when it seems convenient. That's not child raising.... at least not properly.

I passed my NCLEX. I'm actually a full Registered Nurse. I almost can't believe it.

@ losing control.
CONGRATULATIONS!!

@ losing control.
Congrats!!!

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I don’t know if I should take this job or not if they call me back. Saadiya of all people was the one who set it up for me. I still don’t trust her. I still don’t like her. But it’s one way to get my foot in the door. Domonique had a similar situation. His friend got him a job working in childcare. And isn’t that what I wanted? Why I even decided partially to do this program? So I could get a entry level job in childcare since just having a HS diploma didn’t get me into the one that was offered on base at the Norfolk Naval Station? Sure it isn’t with the government...it’s in Newport News...it’ll most likely be with some shady people and the kids will most likely be brats... and idk if I’ll even be good at the job or if people will like me...etc etc...But It’s a full time job. Will I continue with school? Will I just work full time? Will they be open to my schedule? What will happen... I think...idek...Honestly, it all just keeps feeling like every choice I make is the wrong one. So, I have no clue. I keep making plans for my life but Irl is trickier. So many stuff to consider. I know in the end it’s all whatever. No matter what decision I make, unless I just be confident in my choice...than I’ll always feel like I could be doing more. So, here’s me saying, “Que sera, que sera”.

Achievement Hunter isn't helping. The McElroys aren't helping. Journaling isn't helping. I literally don't know what else I can do to help this feeling go away. I wish I could just give up and sleep forever.

Not to mention I feel so bad that Kelly is going to have to see me in this state. That, or I'll have to find the effort in me to put on the happy facade to see her. But maybe chatting with her will be a useful distraction, if even for a little while.

Edit: I tried to download an app to help lower my anxiety. And right off the bat, as I listened to what was supposed to be reassurance, I realized something: I don't know how to accept help anymore. I've become so combative and don't want to believe any of the good things it tried to convince me were going to happen--all that kept repeating in my head was, "Shut up." And that's the scariest part, that it appears that I don't even want the help anymore. Because last time that happened...

Who can even break down this wall now? Therapy requires money and time I don't have. I can't be relying on James as much as I do, as stressed as he gets with his own life. I haven't spoken to my friends properly in months, so I can't be just coming out of the woodwork now when I need something. I haven't felt this much of a burden in years. And I don't know what to do about it anymore.

It always takes longer than I think it will.

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Censorship in any form is fundamentally undemocratic. But there is a difference between being offensive, and committing a hate crime. Can we have a dialogue on these issues instead of calling everyone who has a differing opinion some sort of 'phobe? Stop being at odds with everyone who isn't like you and start listening to them. Maybe we'll all eventually find common ground and work together. But we'd all have to stop being pointlessly outraged first.

@ Messenger Hedwig
Thank you!!!

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I went to a poetry reading yesterday. I felt nervous. I didn’t know anyone there so maybe that’s why. But it felt good to be around people irl who also share my passion of writing and creating. Sometimes, because we’re not so prevalent and showy, I forget that there are other people in this world who actually are creatives too.

I read a piece, but ended up feeling like I had to cry because it was so personal. It made me reflect on how I want my writing to be an escape rather than a reflection of me or my life. I want to use writing to get away. It’s the only part of my life where I have any control or where things can actually be 100% happy. The rest of this crazy world is ouf of my grip. But, like I wrote before, writing is my escape.

My mom and I had an argument yesterday about her talk of conspiracy theories and religion. It was on the way while we were going to pick up Grandma Angie from the mobile home she stays in with this lady names T that took her in to help watch her dog. My mom called me a bitch and while she said she was just “joking”, I knew better.

I can’t connect anymore with my mom. She’s not even a frenemy. She’s just an enemy. It saddens me to think all of my relationships with my family are in a somewhat stressful state.

My mom and I have grown apart. There’s no repairing that, honestly. With the money issues we had together and the hurtful things we’ve said to each other. We’re not close.

My papa and I will never be the same. He left to go see his mistress. I actually am so happy he’s gone and I hope he stays away.

My cousin saadiya and I will never be the same.

My brother Xavier and I will never be the same.

My twin and I will never be the same.

Etc. etc.

I realize that family and friends are a lot like lovers.

When the relationship ends, it is best to just move on rather than hurt each other anymore.

While i still love all of these people or want the best for them, I understand that there’s no longer any happiness or type of support that I get from them.

I’m still homeless and broke, though. So, I have to be around them. But if I ever get some money and my independence, I’m moving on. I’m not saying I won’t call them or hang out with them anymore. That’ll never happen. But I definitely will cut out the toxicity that they bring to my life.

My family triggers me I realize.

But I also realize that I’m the one who’s responsible for my inner peace. If I don’t handle that now I can spend a lifetime blaming other people for my problems when really the only one to blame is me.

On the friend front...

I really like this African girl that’s in three of my classes. But I don’t think she wants to stay in the Childhood Development program any longer. I think she’s going to change programs, or at least that’s what she tells me. My social anxiety is bad, but I have moments of where I’m starting to feel more and more comfortable with her.

Then there’s this guy in two of my classes. He’s also in the program with us. I don’t really know about him, though. He says some off the wall stuff and normally I just laugh it off. But he’s someone I talk to for at least five of six seconds out of the day...so.

Truthfully, sometimes I think I should just protect myself and stay in my shell. Especially since I know dealing with people (family, friends, potential lovers) is usually always messy for me.

I have a horrible track record. I usually end up being hurt in the end.

I feel like I should get myself together before I try to develop better relationships with people.

I guess I’ll work on that.

I still haven’t heard from the job Saadiya recommended me for. But the good news is my GI bill should kick in come Novemeber.

I’ve just got to hold on until that.

And hopefully they will call me back and they will work with my schedule.

Because if I can get a full time job and get my GI bill, I might be able to move out.

I know the grass won’t be green wherever I go. Just like I have to deal with some negative stuff here from my current family living situation, I know I’ll have to deal with some stuff from if I move out (whether that’s renting a room or getting my own place). But I’ll way the pros and cons for each option. Then I’ll make the choice of the one with the most pros than cons.

Here’s to hoping things will work out.

Feeling really low. Battling with depressive thoughts. I know I need to suck it up so, this is my way of sucking it up. I jusf feel like I’m trapped. Everywhere I go isn’t an out, it’s just another fire. Or worse yet, I don’t have anywhere to go. My mom, my papa, my aunt, my cousins, my siblings, my family just trigger me. Then there’s my life outside of my family which is also in shambles (career and education wise). My personal life is in shambles (no friends. no significant other. no one to turn to). I myself am in shambles. I’m disgusted and repulsed by me. By who I am. By what my life is like. Everything. I’m disgusted that I’m so weak. That people can walk all over me or take me down so easily. I’m disgusted that I have these depressive thoughts and negative thoughts that I have to defeat. I’m disgusted that I put myself in these sitautions. I’m disgusted that I can’t seem to adapt or find my place in the world anywhere. I’m disgusted that I feel like every where I go, in everything I do, I get the short end of the stick and am the outsider. Or so it feels. I know that all these thoughts are just in my head. That it’s all up to me. I just feel like the only way out realistically for me is suicide from this world. But I won’t do that, because I don’t want to die. I just want to live and enjoy life. I want to be happy. But right now I’m stuck at the low end and “other”. Here’s to letting go this depressive/semi suicidal thoughts and instead embracing getting my life to a place where I am happy and at peace. Surrounded by good people, purpose, and love.

Every day is a battle with myself, fighting the miserable side who wants to stay in bed and dodge meals and ignore the world, because I don't want to do that. Living is supposed to kill you but it shouldn't feel like dying, so why does it feel that way sometimes? I'm tired of existing between normal and clinically depressed, but nothing I do seems to kill it. I don't want to do this forever.

I need to write a book so I don't have to conform with the world. I don't want a grinding job and a mediocre house. I want to be able to do what I want and enjoy it without being beholden to societies clock. I want every minute of my own time to just expand my mind, learn as much as I can, satisfy every curiosity. I want to live in The Next Generation.

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There needs to be an election. These clueless people need out. How on earth can they decide how the general population should live if they have never experience what it's like? I'm sick to the back teeth of these wealthy blowhards assuming what it's like to be poor, telling us we waste our money and we should save or get a better job, work harder, it's a good thing we have so many food banks cos it shows the kindness of our people, a new homeless shelter isn't indicative of poor services and how the cuts have affected people. When you can't tell that mental illness and learning disabilities are not the same thing, you should not be making legal, political and economic decisions on behalf of the two very separate groups. If the leadership is blind to the hardships of the plebicite, the frustration will boil over. Politics shouldn't be about power, it should be about people. But then, money and greed are a thing.