Confess on My Wayward Son

I want to have a baby but I don't wanna have sex, ya feel? Like my maternal urge is so overwhelming that I'm ready to rip out my entire reproductive system to make it stop but I dislike the idea of having sex at least, like, 85% of the time.

I kinda had the worst Halloween Ive had in a long time. Friends went out without me, grandmother wasnt there to give me Reeses, and I didnt get to pass out candy....

anxiety and depression been eating at me. I am currently working a seasonal position that could possibly be core. I want to stay so badly because I need a job but I am scared to work hard and not get it.

Today I try to straighten my GI Bill out. I feel freaking stupid for taking all these classes that I didn’t really need to take. But oh well. I’m sure I’m not the first to do something like this (say I’m a first year student when I’m not, take classes that I don’t need to take, etc.) but that means that any of the problems I deal with are all brought back on me. No one else to blame. Well, I’m trying to fix those problems. Hopefully, I’ll be able to sort out my mistakes and be back on track. But I’m losing steam for the Math class and English class I took that I now know I didn’t need. Anyway, semester is almost over either way.

I have a Interview with the daycare center on Friday. They called me at a time when I was feeling really depressed and suicidal because my mom basically invalidated my feelings after I told her that I wish she wouldn’t talk about religious conspiracy theories with me. I know that I’ll have to deal with BS at the daycare center, too if I get this job. Because people are people. But I would really like NOT to deal with it at home. I NEED to make money, so that means I’ll most likely have to deal with people and their bs. But I don’t NEED to come home to bs or deal with other people’s bs at home. But I do because I have a mentally ill brother who treats me with disgust just because I say he needs help for his religious extremity, another wild teenage brother who respects no authority figures, a submissive great grandma who basically told me she wants to be in a abusive relationship, a abusive great grandfather who doesn’t get any repercussions for being that way, or a mother who still sees and treats me like a child. When I come home...it should be a place of structure, peace, and happiness. NOT dysfunction.

But I’m not ungrateful. My family has helped me a lot this past year. Despite all the drama, my mom’s been my main person I can count on to help me, my great grandparents too, and my cousins Saadiya and Dominique are the ones why I’m possibly getting this job. So, I love them all.

I just need structure, boundaries, and routine back in my life again.

I want to be a better sister. A better granddaughter. A better cousin. A better human being.

But I feel like right now I’m not because I’m weak and I’m letting everything get to me instead of being strong and powering through little things like this.

Here’s to hoping I become more stable not just in life, but on the inside as well.

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@ OceansBlue
I’ll beat them up for you

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Today I really thought about skipping class and skipping life altogether, but then I talked to my Veteran’s Affairs advisor while trying to sort out my GI bill stuff and she just put me in such the best mood. I was really going to have a mental health day and just not go to class at all. But talking to her this morning wasn’t a nightmare, instead it was surprisngly encouraging. She made me feel so happy and in such better spirits that nothing could bring me down. Not the office ladies at the Enrollment office who are notoriously known to put people in the worse mood, not the fact that one of the girls in my program tried to get over on me in a group project, nothing. I was literally on cloud 9 after I walked out of her office.

She already knows my whole situation. And instead of brushing me off, she encouraged me and told me she knows how hard it is to get back on track after set backs, but that I will get back on track.

I told her that next semester will definitley be my semester. I know it will. My life will have structure and organization once again.

Talking to her made me feel like, “Yeah. I’m getting my stuff together. She’s right. I don’t have to give up. I’m almost at the finish line”.

Thank you, Mrs. Katheryn.

Here’s to you <3

I feel utterly overrun with anxiety about money. I want my life back.

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Writing up my candy bowl recommendation blog and I just love reading everyone’s works. Makes me feel all mushy.

lol, im not sure how much longer I can keep doing this for. I'm so fucking beyond frustrated right now.

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I just had the biggest flipping mental breakdown of since we've moved from Woodbridge and started living with my great grandparents again. I had it in a public place, in front of my siblings, and ranted to my mom who I know better than to rant to because she always throws it back in my face/uses it against me. I said some pretty hateful, bitter stuff about 90% of my family members that I live with. And the other 10% I left unsaid because I was talking smack to them about the 90. But if they weren't the only people I could vent to, I probably would have just did the whole 100%. I feel like an awful person for feeling so negatively about my family, but I do. I don't feel any happiness from them. Instead, they make me mentally sick. They are detrimental to my mental health. However, I know that I just need to live alone. Honestly. When I live alone I have only myself to deal with. And that's already enough with all of the demons I have. I don't need my family to add to my list of issues. No. They should be a place of escape, happiness, and support. I feel like I'm ranting about the same things over and over again. But it's just how I feel.

Here's to hopefully no more mental breakdowns and rants.

Flu, it’s been three days. Can’t you go and bother someone else?

I find this funny. This is why I left his and my great grandma’s house in the first place. This is what he does.

I’m afraid of life.

I just want a stable home. I don’t want to live with my mom, who steals money from me and acts controllinf. I don’t want to live with other people, who judge me for being an introvert.

I just want to live in a healthy, stable home environment.

Why can’t I have that?

Since I was fifteen years old I’ve had a dysfunctional life.

I don’t want that anymore.

I’m so mentally tired.

I need change.

Here’s to hoping things do change for the better.

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I feel I'm in a really weird place in my relationship.

I often look at my friends and realise how happy they are in their relationships, and then I look at mine and I just... Don't feel that happy. He makes very little effort to get to know my friends or see my family despite the fact we've been together three years. He rarely wants to go to social occasions together, and I mean it's probably just us exiting the "honeymoon" stage,but we definitely text a lot less and things just aren't as 'romantic' anymore.

But yet, when I ponder upon of ishould just break up with him the thought of loosing him from my life makes me very very upset. I just don't understand these feelings....

I need for my brain to chill out and stop assuming every guy I meet is gonna be like my ex. That they say things they don't mean, that they are hiding who they really are. Things are going well and for once, I'm happy with someone. Stop freaking out.

I wish you would just tell me that I won't be getting any money. I wish you would just tell me straight up. I mean...I know it's my fault that I'm broke af. But man, it still sucks. I'm checking out mentally...but I need to just hold on. This time my excuse is money, family drama, my current living situation, and this depression. I don't want to go to my great grandparent's house. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to be me. Sometimes I have these random moments where I just pause and feel this suffocating emotion that tells me I'm really at the bottom. It's scary as shit.

Good luck in your mid-terms, America. I hope it goes in favour of equality and freedom.

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This leg pain is fucking ridiculous. I mean, I get it, I vacced the entire house and lifted the furniture and sprayed every inch of carpet. But that shouldn't lay a person up for 4 days with strained hammies with very limited healing. I want to be fit and healthy again, but I also don't think I'm worth the effort. God I need to try harder and stop letting this shit get to me and be an excuse to laze about.

I was supposed to be at uni today but I can't walk. Ffs.

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This website needs a delete message function, double posting a message to a friend feels so dumb.

I am nervous as all hell. I live in Arizona, we've been teetering on a swing state for YEARS and yet we somehow still become Republican. I don't have high hopes for us, but I do hope other states have it good (Beto, Stacey, Andrew, Alexandria, etc)!!! Catch me drinking tonight lol I'm so nervous.