Confess on My Wayward Son

I have all these emotions rn and I should really channel them for writing.

Sometimes I wonder if it's for the best that I never received the photo.
I probably looked like shit anyway.

I was remembering the way you'd shot out of your chair to give me a hug. It made me feel really special. Your hugs have always been amazing to me. I miss that a lot. If there was a thing I could ask for, it'd be another, I guess.

I wish I could get everything that was said out of my head, but I can't. I don't think I ever will because all it did was pick at all the fears that are already there—that I won't amount to anything, that she'll be disappointed when she's with me, and that this is who I'm fucked to be for the rest of my life. I keep swearing that I'm going to change and then nothing about me changes because I fall back to the way I was the second it starts creeping back in. And honestly, the worst part is that I didn't even realize I was at this point. I faked it so hard that I fooled myself. I was gone so long on auto-pilot that all this shit built up until everything just snapped and I didn't even see it coming. I really didn't. I sunk so far to rock bottom that I literally just didn't even see it coming. How fucked is that? Being so caught up in shit that doesn't even exist that you don't even see the disaster you're creating for the people you claim to love so much. How fucking selfish. I would rather just call it quits and spare everyone else than keep doing this. The amount of hate I have for myself makes me nauseous now.

And the threat of this has been there for months, but I'm not pulling myself out of this one. I just can't. I don't even want to anymore because it feels so pointless to keep pretending. I don't care about anything right now and I want to stop existing. I'm fading out. And I simply do not give one flying fuck anymore because this is who I am and what I'll always do. Might as well embrace it.

I hate my brain. Can I even execute this idea?

one of my classmates/friends posted pictures of her cosplaying as the abused killing stalking guy w/ blood and bruises on it & I'm kind of fucking pissed about it? >:c not cool man.

Every Harry Potter quiz that I do, I end up getting Ravenclaw as my house. Even Pottermore sorted me into Ravenclaw. I guess I'm really is a Ravenclaw.

I actually like dressing up all corporate-like. It makes me feel adulty.

I wish I was able to delete some of my stories, to be able to 'start over' but I just can't bring myself to deleting any of them! WHY

I promised myself I wouldn't let anything bother me this year. And I mean to stick by it!

-

Well, I did it and I feel no regrets at all. I don't think that's a good thing. He was right. This is an affair. I can't stop myself. Why is he so fucking intoxicating?

I feel so isolated in my own home. I just want it to end now, I just want to fit in. I know you're closer to him than me, and that doesn't bother me, I just wish I was the one in the sun for once.

In a way, I'm kind of glad that I'm turned off from relationships at the moment. I like that I can be in a non-committed thing and still pursue other people - not that I necessarily have to since I'm currently satisfied or whatever, but it's cool that I have that option if I want to. I'm especially glad since the guy I've been hanging out has potential but the thought of being in a relationship puts me off. I thought I was potentially open to a romantic thing but it turns out I want everything but the commitment, exclusivity and the emotional baggage. I've never been one to vent to a boyfriend anyways, so. This works out well in my case.

So if you're reading this (lol), thanks (but also thanks) for putting me off from relationships, over a year later.

I saw you in my dreams last night. I don't know why. I was meditating and fell asleep. You were talking to me. I can't remember what you were saying though. It was brief. And then I woke up. It must have been 3am.

I halfway considered sending you a message, simply, "good morning" but ... the coward I am, I didn't. I didn't think you'd answer anyway.

Why am I so afraid to reach out first? The answer's simple really. My timing is terrible. I'm always interrupting, always last. So I just ... wait. For everyone. My best friend, even my dad. I guess I'm under a false pretense that no one wants anything to do with me unless they contact me. And that's just how it was. I wish I could turn it off. I really do.

He almost died a few months ago and didn't tell me until today.

I know there wasn't anything I could do about it and he didn't want to stress me out and he's more careful with his meds now and they haven't prescribed the ones that fucked him up again. But he had seizures and was in a coma for a little bit. A fucking coma. And that terrifies me to think that he could have died and I wouldn't have even known. I made him promise that next time something like that happens to tell me, but I really hope it never does.

I can't wait til I live there and can help him keep track of everything so nothing like this happens again.

A little break will do me good.

I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.

I won't.

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I AM SO MAD right now. SO MAD. WHY DID YOU SWIPE RIGHT, AGAIN. I swiped right to see if you would swipe right but jesus christ AGAIN??? IT'S BEEN holy shit it's been 6 months???? Far out. Move on. This is just some weird shit timing, considering what's going to be happening next week (hopefully!) and all.

I swear to god if you try talk to me again I'm going to rip you into oblivion because OH MY GOD.

thank you mother! Thank you for telling i have no right to fear for your life because of our new president. Thanks for that.

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I find that kind of funny. LOL.

My music library is proving to be entertaining as fuck tonight

I'M A SHOCKWAVE AND I'LL TAKE YOUR FUCKING LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!

PLEASE HELP I AM SO LAME AND BLACK TIDE HAS TAKEN ME ON A RIDE