Hard to Figure Out

Payton's life had been one wild ride after the next, that was one thing she was completely and utterly positive of. Matt had been a boy at the time but he had done so much good in her life. He had showed her the world, or at least their small little section of it. Opened her eyes to everything that was beautiful about the world, from the simplicity of a sunset to the animals than lived in nature. Everything had its part in the world, everything had a purpose. To this day, she remembered the way her first love had made her feel.

There were good days, the days that her husband was in a good mood and was the man that she had fallen head over heels in love with. Then there were the bad days, when he lost his temper and she was forced to remember why she needed to obey. Those days, she struggled with what their purpose was. Why did his fist connect with her cheek? Why did his foot land on her ribs? Of all the wondering she had done, she had never come up with a reason that made any sort of sense to her. But she never dreamed of leaving Ryan. She loved the man - she couldn't just abandon him because he had some problems. She had her own problems, she still found herself lost in day dreams of what it would be like if Ryan was Matt. God, did she still. Her husband always seemed to know every time she got lost in her own mind and those days were the worst. She wasn't supposed to think of anyone but her husband, after all they were married.

Payton didn't work, she needed to be able to take care of the home she lived in with Ryan. Just like the day before and the one before that, Payton had started supper right at 4:30pm. It would finish just a few minutes before Ryan got home and she would be serving it just as he walked through the door, hopeful he was in a good mood. This time around, it was chicken parmigiana, made from scratch. Every morning, Ryan would leave after telling her what he wanted for supper that evening. She would clean for most of the day, not wanting to find so much as a spec of dust out of place.

She was listening to music quietly in the background as she worked to finish the chicken parmigiana, humming along to herself. Payton had just been moving a glass measuring cup to pour into the pan that held her homemade sauce when the doorbell rang, startling her into dropping the cup. It shattered on the floor and for a brief moment, she panicked. Oh God, if Ryan was home and watched her break it... but then, he wouldn't have rang the door bell. Her stomach had twisted into a bundle of nerves as she turned, wiping her hands off on a hand towel as she walked to the front door.

It would be a girl scout looking to sell some cookies or something similar surely, and while she would hate to say no, she had no choice. Ryan was strict with the money and such an expense wasn't worth it. Rehearsing what she would say to whomever was on the other side of the door, she finished wiping her hands just as she reached the door. Payton drew in a deep breathe and opened the door, unprepared for her world to be rocked.

If there was any one thing that defined Matt's life, it would be the day his friend Tyler Jacobs died. It had been a complete accident, the result of some stupid teenage stunt. But accident or not, Tyler's family wanted someone to pay for what had happened and ultimately, Matt had been the one to step forward and take the blame. It hasn't been a major charge, but enough to leave Matt a convicted felon. Involuntary manslaughter, those were the two words emblazoned on Matt's permanent record, the two words that made people look at him like a leper now that he'd been released. Matt Sanders, the boy who'd let Tyler Jacobs die, that's all he would ever be.

After being released from prison, Matt had spent a few days enjoying the things he'd been denied in prison: Mexican food and private bathrooms and sleeping on a bed that didn't feel like a slab of rock. And alcohol. Jesus Christ, he'd missed alcohol. But once he'd become reacquainted with all of his creature comforts, Matt had decided to look up Payton. Payton had been his girlfriend in high school, his first love, and the only person besides his family that hadn't been convinced it was him who had killed Tyler. He'd hoped to try and reconnect with Payton, but in looking her up he'd discovered that she was married, to a man they'd both gone to school with. Ryan something or other. Matt didn't remember much about him, just that he'd never been very nice. But just because Payton was married didn't mean that Matt couldn't go and visit her, try and reconnect like he'd been planning. Matt stuffed his hands into his pockets as he walked up to Payton's front door, his brow furrowing when he rang the doorbell and heard something shatter inside. A few minutes later the door opened, and Matt could tell by the look on Payton's face that he was the absolute last person she was expecting to see.

"Hey Payton," Matt said, flashing her his famous dimpled grin. "Can I come in? I just want to talk, I promise."

Even with the first time that Payton had been made aware of just what went down with Matt and Tyler, she had been positive that it wasn't Matt who had killed him. Something must have gone wrong. She didn't know what but she knew that somewhere along the line, something happened where Matt's friend had died. While he did tend to get into fights and he was bigger, he certainly had never been violent enough to do such a thing. Matt was her protective boyfriend who always tried to keep her safe, something that she had never managed to convince her parents of. With the death, it had been all that they needed to deny Payton ever seeing him again. She had been under age at the time so visiting the prison without them had never been an option.

Her grip on the hand towel loosened and the item fell to the ground beside her as Payton took in the sight in front of her. She would know those eyes, that smile, and that voice anywhere. She would have been able to pick him out of crowd any day of the week. Payton knew it was wrong, knew she shouldn't have but before she could stop herself, Payton flung herself into Matt's arms and hers wrapped tightly around his neck. She buried her face into his shirt, breathing in his scent in what felt like the first time in forever.

Clearing her throat as she stepped back from Matt reluctantly, Payton could feel her cheeks turning red. How ridiculous she had just been... Shaking her head, she bit down on her bottom lip as she leaned down to pick up the dish towel from the floor. Payton was a bit stiff in her movements but didn't think too much about it - Matt wouldn't comment surely. Her eyes flicked to the entrance of the kitchen and she hesitated for a moment before turning back around to Matt. "I'm just starting dinner so if you're okay with that, sure," she answered quietly, stepping to the side. "But not for too long. My, er," she paused, her stomach sinking as she realized what she had to tell Matt. "My husband will be home soon but for a bit should be fine."

Matt was a little taken back when Payton flung herself into his arms, but he allowed himself to hug her back, even though he knew he shouldn't. He slipped his arms around her waist, closing his eyes as he pressed his face into her hair, and the familiar scent of her shampoo took him back to high school, back when his life was normal and back when he thought he was going to marry Payton. Matt looked at her when she finally stepped back from him, watching as she bent down to retrieve the hand towel that she'd dropped onto the floor. He noticed the catch in her voice when she mentioned her husband, but Matt just shrugged. He'd already known about that, it wasn't news to him. Even if it did sting a little. But Matt knew that he would've been asking way too much by expecting Payton to wait for him to get out of prison. She needed someone to love and support her, and besides that, she was a beautiful woman. If he'd gotten out and found that she'd been single, he would've been dumbfounded that no other man had snatched her up.

"Food smells good," Matt said, walking into the kitchen and taking a seat at the table. He drummed his fingers on the wooden surface, wishing things weren't so awkward. But what did you say to your high school sweetheart that you'd been forced to give up after going to prison because everyone thought you'd killed your best friend? There was no etiquette manual for that. "So uh, how have you been?" Matt finally asked. "I mean, I know you got married, but what about everything else? Did you go to college? Where are you working? And um, if I'm not prying too much by asking, how did you and Ryan get together?"

It had taken every ounce of self control that Payton had to pull away from Matt's arms. She sighed as she led the way into the kitchen, immediately kneeling down to sweep up the broken measuring cup. Her shoulders tensed when Matt began speaking because as much as she wanted to avoid the questions, she knew Matt and she knew exactly what was coming her way. She busied herself with pouring a glass of iced tea before turning to set it in front of Matt. Always take care of whoever was around, that was the most forefront thought in her mind most of the time now. It usually solved more problems than it caused so why wouldn't she?

At the questions, Payton let out a dry laugh as she turned back to the food that she was cooking. She began to dish up the chicken, setting it into the baking dish before finally placing the dish into the oven. "Uh... no. I didn't go to school, I started dating Ryan about a year after... after what happened," Payton paused to take a deep breath as she turned back to him. "I don't work, I just do my best to take care of the house and keep things in order," she spoke quietly, moving to sit in the chair opposite of him. Payton wasn't exactly lying to Matt, she just wasn't telling the whole truth. No one knew though, no one could know.

Clearing her throat, Payton attempted to change the subject. "When did you, um, get out? What's your plan now"

Matt could tell by the way Payton answered his questions that she wasn't telling the entire truth. But now wasn't definitely not the right time to try and pry into Payton's life, he'd just shown up on her doorstep after several years. When she asked him questions about his plans now, Matt just shrugged his shoulder, reaching for the glass of tea that Payton had placed in front of him. "I got out a couple of days ago," Matt finally answered, taking a sip of the tea. "Spent the past few days catching up on the basic creature comforts. You know, home cooked meals, private showers, an actual bed that doesn't feel like I'm sleeping on a slab of concrete. And as for my plans now...well, I don't really have any. I'm still just trying to adjust to life outside of prison, because let me tell you, it's a lot different. I know that eventually I'm going to have to get a job, but there are only so many that I can get with a fucking felony on my record."

Matt didn't have the heart to tell Payton, but he was seriously considering saving up a little money and then leaving town. There was no hope for him to have a normal life here, not when ninety five percent of the town believed that he'd killed his best friend. "You don't think I did it, right?" Matt asked suddenly, looking up at Payton. "Killed Tyler, I mean? I just...I never got the chance to ask you and you never came to see me and you never wrote me a letter or anything and I just sort of thought that the rest of the town brainwashed you into thinking that I'm a murderer."

Payton had always felt a certain amount of guilt that she could have perhaps changed the outcome of Matt's trial. She knew that he would have never hurt Tyler, the first time she had heard it, she knew without a doubt. She had never gotten the chance to see Matt after everything happened and still, to this day she wondered if things would have been different if she had tried. Tried at what, she had no clue.

She had had a suspicion the question was coming but when it sounded from Matt's lips, Payton's heart skipped a beat. She swallowed the emotion that had suddenly formed in her throat as she turned back to him. Closing her eyes, Payton willed the tears that appeared in her eyes to not fall. It wouldn't be fair to Matt to cry, it wasn't as if she had been the one that had been locked up. The look on Matt's face broke her heart and she had to resist the urge to hug him, to offer the comfort that she had longed to give him for so long. "No," she answered quietly, dipping her head as she kicked at the ground. "I never did. You weren't... you wouldn't. I just sort of thought you probably blamed me, hated me... I don't know. It's what my parents kept saying so I eventually began to believe it," she whispered, shrugging her shoulders. "I couldn't have blamed you if you did. I could have helped you or at least tried to and I didn't."

Matt could tell that what he'd asked Payton had her close to tears. It made him feel like he'd been punched in the gut. Ever since he'd met Payton he'd always loved her smile and he hated the thought of anything taking that away. And knowing that it was his fault always made him feel awful. "I could never hate you, Payton," Matt said softly. "We were young and I know that your parents never liked me. And after a little time had passed, I didn't really expect you to show up and visit me. In fact, I'd hoped you wouldn't. I'd hoped that you'd moved on with your life at that point, because you deserved better than waiting around for me to get out of prison. And that's not much of a life that I could provide for you anyway, not with a felony on my record. So no, I never hated you, Payton. And I could never blame you for moving on and forgetting about me." Matt looked over when he heard the timer on the oven going off. He knew whatever Payton was cooking for dinner was done and that her husband would be home soon, which meant that he needed to leave.

"I'm going to go, Payton," Matt said, getting to his feet. He stuffed his hands into his pockets. "But uh, it was nice seeing you again. You're the only person besides my parents who isn't resting me like a leper or something. And I'll come by again. If that's alright with you and Ryan, I mean. I don't want to intrude." Matt went over to Payton and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, pulling her into a hug. "It was nice to see you again. And whatever you're cooking, it smells really good."

The relief that flooded Payton was something she hadn't been prepared for. She was used to it by now, living with the guilt that she felt. If she had only tried a bit harder, she would have been able to help Matt and maybe he wouldn't have gone to prison. At the very least, she shouldn't have given up on him so easily. Which was exactly what she had done.

The sound of the timer going over made Payton jump, her eyes widening as fear filled her being. She knew that Matt needed to leave and he needed to leave now because Ryan would be walking through the front door any moment now. There was no telling when he would arrive home but if he so much as caught a hint of Matt being here, she knew that she would be paying for it for the better part of the week. If she was lucky.

Payton's thoughts had drifted so far that it took a moment for her to react when Matt neared her. She let out a ragged sigh as she leaned into his touch, her arms slipping around his waist. "Come for lunch maybe tomorrow? I'll fix something up," she spoke quietly, knowing damn well that it was the wrong thing to do. Missing food meant she had eaten when she hadn't been told to but that fate was still better than telling Ryan that Matt had gotten out of prison. Right? "I'll see you tomorrow hopefully," she whispered, giving him a weak smile. "It was nice seeing you, y'know."

"I'd like that," Matt said, smiling. He had the strangest urge to kiss Payton, but he knew that he couldn't. She was married, and from what he remembered, Ryan was kind of an asshole. He didn't want to get Payton in trouble and besides, she'd probably moved on from Matt by now. She wouldn't have married Ryan if she hadn't. Matt was glad she had. She deserved better than him, even if he would love to have her in his arms again. "You can just call my parents' home phone if you want to get ahold of me," Matt told Payton. "I haven't had a chance to buy myself a phone or anything like that, but I'm going to make a trip to the bank soon and see if there's any money left in any of my accounts." In all honesty, Matt doubted he had even a penny to his name. He was sure most of the little he'd had saved up when he was a teenager had been used for legal fees, even though he'd plead guilty.

"Bye, Payton," Matt said. He offered her one last smile before he left the house, going to his car and starting the engine. As he drove back to his parents' house, all Matt could think about was how different his life would be if everything with Tyler had never happened, or if he'd plead not guilty and somehow been acquitted. He might be the one who was married to Payton, the one who got to eat the delicious food she was cooking, the one who got to fall asleep and wake up next to her. He wanted that to be the reality more than anything, but there was no way. Payton had moved on, and Matt needed to as well.

Take me with you. The request was kept silent as she watched Matt leave and she struggled to keep herself together, knowing that if she broke down now, she would never pick herself back up in time before Ryan returned home. He would ask questions and there would be no chance at a lie for her. She couldn't lie to him, she had never been good at doing so. He seemed to be able to detect even the tiniest of lies. Payton sighed, turning away as she began to plate supper for Ryan. Poured a glass of wine, preparing herself for what she hoped would be a good evening. If Ryan had a good day at work... maybe they could enjoy themselves and the guilt she felt over wanting to follow Matt would be forgotten about.

---

The next day, Payton had cooked up salmon, tossing together a salad. She was hopeful that Matt would stop by like she had asked the day before. Ryan was long gone and she was careful to plate each dish for Matt, her eyes trained on the details that Ryan would have normally picked apart. The salad need not touch the fish and the dressing shouldn't be too much, just enough without making the lettuce swim in it. She had sliced up a lemon and set a slice on top of the fish before setting it down on the table.

Payton opted for only a small bit of the salad, figuring that she could get away with saying she had had a decent breakfast so she wasn't really hungry. It was true, she wasn't hungry, far too nervous to even consider actually wanting to eat. So many things could go wrong that she was sure something had to at some point. Ryan would show up early or maybe Matt would... hell, she didn't know.

Matt had almost completely forgotten about meeting Payton for lunch. He only remembered that he was supposed to go when his stomach started to grumble and he went downstairs to fix himself a sandwich. He spit out something quick to his parents and hurried out the door, driving around the block once he'd reached Payton's street just to make sure that Ryan wasn't home. He felt like they were sneaking around, and really, they sort of were. Even if they weren't sleeping together, Ryan didn't know that Matt was seeing Payton. This time Matt didn't bother to knock, since he knew Payton was expecting him. The smell hit him as soon as he walked through the door, and he grinned. "Everything smells great, Payton," Matt said, walking into the kitchen. He looked around at the food she'd plated. "Is that salmon?" he asked, laughing slightly. "Damn, this is fancy. I've never had salmon before."

Matt took one of the plates that was sitting out on the counter and fixed himself a plate, opting for more fish and less salad. He had always been a meat and potatoes type of guy, and being in prison had only intensified this. He poured a glass of tea from the fridge, feeling a little bad that he was going through Payton's kitchen, and took a seat at her kitchen table. "So I'm not going to lie, I almost forgot I was supposed to come over for lunch," Matt admitted, taking a bite of the salmon. "I only remembered when I got hungry and went downstairs to make myself a sandwich. By the way, this salmon is fucking delicious. Holy shit."

A flood of panic filled Payton when the door burst open without anyone knocking. She instantly became afraid that it was her husband and he was home unexpectedly. She already had an explanation and an apology ready at the tip of her tongue when Matt appeared. She was positive her relief was obvious, her shoulders sagging and her face breaking into a smile as she looked up to him. Her stomach filled with butterflies and it took a moment before she could bring herself to push the feeling away. Matt had always been someone she thought of in the moments where she was alone, when she and Ryan had a particularly bad fight. Matt had never once yelled at her, had never gotten in her face, had never looked ready to push her. Let alone anything else that Ryan did.

"Sorry it's not more," Payton apologized quietly as she sat opposite of Matt. She picked up her fork and pushed her food around on the plate, wrapping her free arm around her stomach. "I just... the fish won't be missed and I don't think the salad will be," she attempted to explain quietly, leaning forward as she took a bite of her salad. Payton ducked her head down.

"Oh!" Payton looked up with a grin, her cheeks tinging a red when Matt complimented the food. "Oh, uh, I'm glad. I don't get to cook fish very often but it's my absolute favourite," she said, taking a small bite of her fillet. "So what are... what're you planning to do now that you're out? If you don't mind me asking that is."

"Well you should cook fish more often, this is really good," Matt said again, taking another bite. When Payton asked what he was planning to do now that he was out of prison. He knew she was trying to make conversation, but he wondered if she knew that she'd just asked him that question last night. "I don't really have any," Matt said, shrugging his shoulders as he stabbed a few pieces of lettuce. He stuck them in his mouth, chewing slowly. "I mean, it's a big adjustment being on the outside again. So for right now, I'm just getting used to it. And then I might get a job, but I don't know if I'll stay in town for long. I mean, everyone here thinks I'm a murderer, and it's already going to be hard enough getting a job with a felony on my record as it is without the bias. And I'd like to go back to school, maybe technical school, but there's no way I'd be accepted anywhere with a GED and a felony conviction. It just...everything that happened that night...it fucked up my entire future. I don't even really have one anymore."

Matt shook his head, stuffing another bite of the salmon fillet into his mouth, chewing as slowly as possible. He hadn't realized how much he'd kept bottled up, but now that he'd let it out, he realized how frustrated he was with his entire situation. His conviction and prison time had robbed him of any chance he had of doing anything valuable with his life. "And there's not much to keep me here, anyway," Matt continued. He glanced up at Payton with a soft, sad smile. "Well, except for one thing."

Payton's heart broke all over again as Matt explained what he was planning on doing with his future. She couldn't really sit here and try to make him feel better, to help him be more optimistic, because she completely understood it. He had a felony on his record - he had killed his best friend according to the law. It would be hard for him to be able to do anything that would be able to provide for himself, let alone a family. Her bottom lip began to wobble as Matt continued, wishing more now than ever that she had managed to be able to help him. Matt deserved it - he had done so much for her when they were together. As much as a teenage sweetheart could and she had failed to do anything for him in return, when he had really needed her.

Closing her eyes, Payton willed herself not to cry. She swallowed the lump that formed in her throat as she opened them, finding Matt's all too quickly. She forced a smile to her lips before dropping her gaze back down to the table between them. "You've already paid so much for something that you didn't do. You have to... you have to live for yourself, Matt," she spoke. "I think it's safe to say that you've earned it."

When Payton looked up at Matt and their gazes met, Matt could tell that she was close to tears. He knew that she felt bad about what happened to him, but there was nothing she could've done to help him back then, and the fact that she felt guilty made him feel awful. "Well there's a fat chance of me being able to do that here," Matt said, stabbing a piece of his fish with a bit more force than he ought to have. "Everybody here but you and my parents thinks I'm a fucking murderer, and anyone who does a simple background check would think the same thing. I'm never going to be done paying for what everyone thinks I did back then. It's going to follow me around forever, no matter how hard I try to shake it. And thinking any differently just seems like I'm setting myself up with a false hope that I'm actually going to be able to do something with my life."

Matt shoved the fish into his mouth, washing it down with a swig of his tea. He just needed to stop talking about it, that was it. Talking about it just frustrated him and made him depressed. His life had been over since the day Tyler had died and there was no changing that, no matter how much anyone tried. "So um, let's talk about something else," Matt said quickly, swallowing the food in his mouth. "What's going on with you? Uh, anything interesting happen since I've been er, gone? Besides getting married, of course."

Payton couldn't blame Matt for how frustrated he was, she was sure that if roles had been reversed, she would likely be feeling the same way as he was. Everyone that Matt had grown up with, the relationships that he had built were all thrown away because of a stupid decision that Matt hadn't even made. Dipping her head down, Payton took a small bite of her fish. She let out a small, satisfied groan as her eyes fluttered shut. Fish was such a rarity that she honestly couldn't believe how she had been so daring. She usually kept her head down and did her very best to listen, to keep out of trouble and yet, with Matt here, all caution was thrown to the wind.

Looking up when Matt broke the sudden silence that had enveloped them, Payton gave an uneasy smile. There wasn't much to tell, she had had plans to go to college but that had been abandoned and she had become a house wife because that had been essentially her only option. But... "We've traveled quite a bit. Mostly to tropical places so we just hang out at a resort for the trip," she paused, a small smile coming to her lips. "But I think I almost have Ryan convinced to do something a bit more adventurous. Maybe along the Mediterranean so it'll still be nice but there's some history to explore there that would be nice to see," Payton explained quietly with a shrug of her shoulders. She was hopeful but not holding out for her wish to be granted.

"Ryan mentioned a potential promotion the other day so I guess that's a good thing," Payton mentioned, her face scrunching a bit. "You could always do something like carpentry or a mechanic or something like that because you were always good with your han-" Payton's eyes widened as she realized what she had been about to say. Her cheeks flushed a deep red and she reached forward to take a sip of her water, cursing silently.

Matt nodded as he listened to Payton speak about the traveling she'd done with Ryan. They seemed to be fond memories for her, and this sparked a pit of jealousy in Matt's stomach. If it weren't for everything that had happened back then, with Tyler, then it could've been him that took her to all of these fantastic places, him that was in those memories that brought such a beautiful little smile to Payton's face. And it would've been him that wore her wedding band and fell asleep next to her and everything else that Ryan got to do. But everything he'd wanted for his future had been ripped away, all because of one night when he was seventeen.

Matt raised an eyebrow when the comment about him being good with his hands slipped out of Payton's mouth, a very slight smirk finding its way onto his face. "Yeah, I don't know about good," Matt said, chuckling softly. "If I remember correctly, the first time we had sex, I couldn't even get your bra off. It was the most embarrassing day of my life." It wasn't Matt's fault that he couldn't do it, though. Bras were complicated contraptions to a fifteen year old boy, and they'd both been virgins that night they took Matt's hand-me-down car out to the place where pretty much every teenager in town fooled around for the first time. They'd done more fumbling around than anything, but it was a good memory at least, one that had tided Matt over during his years in prison. Years that he'd gone without any sort of sexual contact at all. "And I suppose I could look into it, but I just don't see any technical school letting me in with a felony on my record. And I can't be a carpenter or a mechanic without a technical degree." Matt sighed, smoothing a hand back through his hair. "I'm sorry I'm shooting everything down, it's just that I don't see any way I can get around what happened back then."

Payton had tried to avoid the topic, praying that Matt would just let it go but the moment that he commented on it, she was launched into a fit of giggles. She hung her head, covering her face with her hands as she shook her head. Once she had composed herself, Payton bit down on her lip as she looked up from her plate of abandoned food. For the first time in what felt like forever, she was genuinely smiling as she shook her head. "You say that like I knew what I was doing!" She answered, tilting her head to the side as she watched Matt. "I had no clue what to do with you, if I remember correctly, I looked at you like a deer caught in headlights and said I didn't think it would be that big!" Payton groaned, turning her head away from him for a moment. "Still think that you're a bit out of the ordinary. 'Cause..." she trailed off, flashing a tiny grin. She would never finish the thought but she was sure Matt could see what she had been hinting at about Ryan.

Suddenly becoming more serious, Payton straightened up as she eyed him. "Matt, if there's anyone in this world that can overcome everything that you've been through, it's you. You were so strong, so brave when we were kids. You were what gave me strength whenever I needed it, you were my rock," she paused to take a deep breath. "Maybe it would be better for you to," she paused again, "to move. Somewhere where people don't know your face or your name. Then maybe starting your life over would be easier for you."