Hard to Figure Out

Hearing Payton talk about her memories from that night, Matt couldn't help but smirk slightly. Now that she said something about it, he remembered how she'd looked at him once his pants and boxers had come off, and even as a fifteen year old, it had greatly inflated his ego. Hell, it still inflated his ego now, especially when Payton hinted at Ryan's size. It made Matt feel good to know that even after all this years and getting married to someone else, Payton still thought of him. As Payton continued to speak, Matt sighed, setting his fork down on his plate. It was just so hard for him to think as positively as Payton did. Years in prison had hardened him, robbed him of his optimism. To him, his future just seemed so bleak.

"I wish it were that easy, Payton," Matt finally said. "I'm not the same person I was when we were younger. I'm not that rock anymore, I'm not so brave anymore. And even if I move, my record is still going to follow me. I'm never going to be able to go through a day without knowing that people actually think that I killed my best friend. It's just so disheartening, Payton. Knowing that everyone thinks I'm a murderer, and knowing that I'm never going to be able to do the same things I wanted with my life. Get married, have a family, have a stable job. I'm basically a leper now. You're the only person besides my parents and Amy that's even more than looked at me since I got released."

Without even thinking about it, Payton stood and walked around until she was standing beside Matt. She knew that it was wrong to offer Matt any sort of comfort but it had also been wrong to let him inside her home yesterday and it had been wrong to invite him over for lunch. A lunch made with the food thatRyan had worked so hard to put on the table. Her stomach twisted into a knot of fear but she pushed the feeling away. Matt was clearly upset and she couldn't stand by while watching it.

Payton leaned down, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. She pulled Matt a bit closer, letting out a shaky sigh as she began to run her free hand through his hair. She smirked slightly, looking down to him. "Matt, you're more than rave. Do you probably saw some awful things while you were away but that doesn't mean you aren't the same stupid, dimpled teenager that I fell in love with," she paused, hoping that her words wouldn't do more harm than good. "You're brace, you came back here knowing full well what you were facing. You're taking on the world despite being wrongly convicted," Payton insisted quietly. "I honestly have no clue how you're doing it."

Matt managed a weak smile as Payton wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Her comfort was unexpected, but it would be a bold-faced lie if Matt said he didn't enjoy it. It was nice to feel a little affection. "I'm glad you have so much faith in me, Payton," Matt said softly, reaching up to touch her hand. "Because I sure as hell don't. I might not be a teenager anymore, but I'm definitely still dimpled and stupid. Stupid enough to think that things would be the same and that I could have the sort of life I wanted before I went to prison. The kind of life that I'll never get to have now. Because let's face it, who's going to want to marry or have kids with a convict?"

Matt sighed, dropping his hand back onto the table. He just needed to stop talking about this, because all he was doing was throwing himself a pity party and that was hardly useful. "I think I'm just going to go," Matt announced after a few minutes. "I don't want you to get in trouble with Ryan because I'm here. But the food was delicious Payton, it really was. You should cook fish more often."

I would. The thought passed through Payton before she could even think about it. Her stomach twisted and she turned away from from him, biting down on the inside of her lip. Matt had always been someone she thought of when she needed some comfort. Her parents loved Ryan, knew nothing of what happened between them, and she wanted to keep it that way. She knew that her father would only say it was an issue behind closed doors for them to deal with within their marriage and her mother? She had no clue but she didn't think the woman would be brave enough to stick up for Payton.

Lost in her own thoughts, Payton jerked to alert when Matt mentioned leaving. She drew in a sharp breath but said nothing when Matt moved to stand. She offered a shy smile and nodded, stepping away so that she wouldn't be in Matt's way. "Thank you for coming, Matt. It was nice to have someone to talk to," she commented quietly. She wrung her hands together, looking down at her feet. "Um, I guess maybe I'll see you around?"

Matt got to his feet and carried his plate to the sink, rinsing it off before he sat it inside. He turned to Payton as he dried his hands with a nearby towel, giving her a slight smile. "Thanks for having me over," Matt said. "It was nice to get out of my parents' house for a little while. And yeah, I'll see you around. Trust me, any time you mention food, I'll be here." Matt chuckled awkwardly as he stepped forward to give Payton a hug. It felt so nice to have her in his arms again and Matt almost didn't want to let go, but he knew he had to. Payton wasn't his girlfriend anymore, and she hadn't been for a long time. She was a married woman now, and he didn't think her husband would appreciate what Matt was doing. After a few seconds, Matt jumped away from Payton, almost like he'd been shocked. "Well, I'm going to go now," he said, stepping towards the door. "I'll see you later."

Before Payton could say another word or he could change his mind, Matt stepped out the door and headed to his car. He didn't particularly want to head home right now, with his mind whirling the way it was, so against his better judgement, he headed to a nearby dive bar. It was one of the seedier ones, so no one would care who he was or what they'd thought he'd done. Sure, it was probably a little early in the day to start drinking, but what else was he supposed to do? He supposed there were healthier outlets for his pain and frustration, but Matt didn't really want those right now. He wanted to numb his pain at the expense of his liver. "Give me a double vodka on the rocks," Matt said to the bartender as he took a seat on a stool. He mumbled a thanks to the man when the drink was placed in front of him, taking a sip and making a face.

Payton watched Matt head toward the front door, wanting nothing more than to chase after him. Wrap her arms around him and tell him just how badly she had missed him. God, it took everything in her will power not to but instead, she stayed rooted in place, only flinching away when the door shut. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath to try and will herself not to get too emotional. She had far too much to do now, between cleaning up the lunch and going through her daily chores before Ryan got home. Sighing as she turned around, Payton went to work, letting herself get lost in the daily motions that had become so routine for her over the past few years.

The rest of Payton's day went as well as she could have hoped, with supper being served just as soon as Ryan walked through the door as was expected. She had a small portion of supper even before retreating to the bathroom to start a bath for Ryan. Once he was inside, Payton took the chance to change into her pajamas, happy that the night seemed to be going better than usual.

Straight alcohol didn't taste very good, but it sure got the job done. By the time he was cut off, Matt had four or five glasses sitting in front of him, depending on which eye he closed. At this point, he just wanted to go home and sleep for days, but how the hell was he supposed to get home? The bartender had taken his keys, it was too late to call his parents, which would be pathetic anyway. And the only other person in town that he knew who might help him was Payton, and he certainly couldn't call her. It was late, she was probably asleep, and how would her husband feel if she got a phone call in the middle of the night from her ex-convict ex-boyfriend? Even though the sole purpose of getting this drunk had been to forget about his problems and Payton, she was all Matt could think about right now. He wished things had turned out differently, that Tyler hadn't died and that he hadn't been blamed for his death. Maybe if things had turned out differently, it would be Matt who got to sleep next to Payton at night.

"Can...Can you call me...a cab?" Matt slurred to the bartender. The man nodded, seemingly glad to get this very large drunk man out of his bar. When Matt finally slid into the backseat of the cab, he was sorely tempted to give the driver Payton's address, but he knew he couldn't. So he mumbled his parents' address before settling back in the seat. Matt shoved a twenty at the driver when he pulled up alongside his parents' house, telling him to keep the change before he stumbled inside. He tried to be as quiet as possible since he knew both of his parents were asleep, and somehow he managed to make it upstairs to the guest room. Matt only bothered to kick off his shoes before he fell into his bed, the large amount of alcohol in his system quickly lulling him to sleep.

Payton had learned how to play the part that was expected of her a long time ago. She was good at it for the most part, she knew how to smile and nod and agree always because her husband knew more than she did and all she ever did was take care of the home. Nothing else was expected of her, particularly opinions so it was always best to keep them to herself. Ryan had arrived home in a relatively good mood and she had been more than relieved because after spending so much time with Matt, she hadn't been sure she would be able to keep herself together if he was in a bad mood. She would have never dreamed of snapping at him or anything of the sort but she was sure she would have broken right in two, knowing what arms could have been wrapped around her.

That night, Payton dreamed of a life she was sure she would never get to experience. She was older then, she had a husband who never quite appeared, but she was watching two young kids running around the backyard with a hand rubbing her bump - she was due in only a few short months. That wasn't even the most prevalent thing though. What was was that she was whole - she was happy and there was no second guessing that in the moment.

Waking the next morning only a few minutes before Ryan would start his morning routine, Payton headed downstairs and started a pot of coffee. One cup for Ryan to drink with his breakfast and another in his tumbler to take to work. Just like every morning, Payton set about fixing a breakfast and a lunch for him to take to work befor making herself sparse and beginning her chores for the day.

When Matt woke up the next morning, he felt like his head was absolutely splitting open. All the vodka had seemed like a good idea last night, but right now all he wanted to do was go back in time and beat his slightly younger self's face against the bar. That probably would've hurt less than his hangover right now. He hadn't had anything to drink since the night that Tyler died, and he just wanted someone to baby him. But his mom was at work and he didn't know anybody else in town except for..."Payton." Matt didn't know why he hadn't thought of that before. Payton had always been the one to take care of him when he was drunk or hungover, so why couldn't she do that now? The reason why hit Matt as he was calling Payton, but before he could hang up, he heard the click telling him that she'd answered the phone and he couldn't hang up now, because that would be rude. "Uh hey," Matt said, not really sure what else to say. "I'm not really sure why I called you, I'm stupid. I got way too drunk last night and I'm hungover and for some reason I thought you would take care of me like you used to when we were younger but you're, you know, married now and I don't think Ryan would appreciate that. So uh, I'm just going to hang up now, sorry for bothering you."

Before he could change his mind, Matt hung up the phone and tossed it next to him on the bed. He groaned as he rubbed his hands over his face. It seemed like he just couldn't get away from the reminders of how much his life was fucked up. Finally Matt decided to go downstairs, hoping a little food would help with his hangover. As he went to open the fridge, Matt noticed the note his mom left on the fridge, asking him to go to the store to pick up a few groceries and he groaned. Going to the store was the last thing he wanted to do, because he hated the mutters and the dirty looks. But he couldn't just sit at the house all day, especially when he was living here rent-free.

Payton hadn't been expecting the phone call - she was so used to there being silence and maybe if she was lucky, some tv if she managed to get her chores done quickly enough. Though it was rare, at least Payton was able to sometimes just enjoy a few minutes to herself. Ryan had left the house, happy, so she was more than relieved when she finished up her chores a bit earlier than normal. Payton sank down onto the couch, unsure of what she even wanted to bother watching. Thoughts of being with Matt kept her far too awake throughout the night so the idea of sleep sounded a bit too appealing to her. Jerking awake when the phone rang, Payton was quick to answer, listening to Matt ramble. Just as she opened her mouth to answer him, Matt had already hung up. She let out a sigh as she dropped the phone into her lap, chewing on her bottom lip.

Deciding that it was probably the best time to to the grocery store since she was done her chores for the day and besides, she did need to get some things. Letting out a sigh, she gathered her things before heading to the store. She chewed on her bottom lip as she headed inside, a list grasped tightly in her hand as she made her way over to the produce aisle. She was so focused on what she needed to get that she wasn't paying any attention to her surroundings. Payton jumped, whirling around when she bumped into something. Her eyes were wide as she looked up to the person, only for her mouth to open in a silent gasp. "Matt... oh," she paused, drawing in a deep breath. "Hey," she hesitated, swallowing around the lump in her throat. "So, uh, how's the hangover?"

Matt took a shower to wash away the scent of stale alcohol before he dressed in something nice, something to hide all of his tattoos and help cut back on the stares. He slipped on his shoes and grabbed his keys and his mom's list from the fridge before heading out. The store didn't seem too crowded and Matt was glad for that, because he could get the things he needed and get out. "What the hell is a plantain?" he mumbled to himself, glancing between his list and the bananas. Plantains and bananas weren't the same thing. Were they? Hell, Matt didn't know what a plantain was in the first place, let alone why his mother had them on the list.

Matt looked over when he felt someone bump into him, his mouth open and ready with a few choice words for whoever hadn't been paying attention to where they were going. But every harsh word on his tongue fell away when he saw Payton standing in front of him. He was a little confused when she asked about his hangover, until he remembered that he'd called her this morning. "Bitchin', that's how it is," Matt answered. "I've got to get some Advil while I'm here, because I think we're out at home. In the meantime, I need to figure out what in the hell a plantain is and why they're not the same thing as a banana. I swear, my mom wants the stupidest things from the store."

The anxiety that had risen in Payton's throat making her want nothing more than to turn around and run. She knew what sort of trouble that she could get in if one of Ryan's friends saw her and mentioned it to him or God forbid, she was out too long and didn't get supper started on time. So many things could go wrong but the worries seemed to wash away when Matt began speaking. Payton's shoulders relaxed as she listened, fighting against the smile the appeared on her lips. "You know you probably shouldn't be drinking so much," Payton chided quietly, shaking her head. "I think.." she trailed off, turning to her purse. She fished around in it for a moment before producing a tiny bottle of aleve. "I don't have anything for you to drink but..." Payton shrugged, offering the bottle to him.

"Plaintains are like a savoury banana. Don't eat them raw because they taste mor like a potato and," Payton paused, her face scrunching as she stepped over to the plaintains. She grabbed a bundle before turning back to Matt, a lopsided grin on her lips as she stepped toward him. "They're really good, even if you don't want to believe me." Payton set them in Matt's cart before attempting to peer around his arm so that she could read his list. "Did you need help with anything else?"

"Don't scold me," Matt said teasingly. "I'm a grown man, I can drink as much as I want to. Besides, I had a lot of things on my mind last night that I really didn't want to think about." He sighed as he watched Payton dig in her purse for a bottle of Aleve, which Matt gratefully accepted. He didn't even care that he didn't have anything to wash them down with, he just spilled two pills into his palm and swallowed them dry before handing the bottle back to Payton. "Thanks," he said to her. He listened as she explained to him about plantains, but in all honesty, all Matt really cared about was that he got the right thing. "My mom wanted them, I don't really know what the hell she plans on doing with them," Matt said, putting the plantains into a produce bag. "She's on a health kick here lately, so I'm a little afraid to ask."

Matt noticed Payton trying to peek at his grocery list, so he held it out so that she could read it. "Um well, I'm sure there are quite a few things on this list that I know nothing about," Matt said, laughing under his breath. "I mean, I've never really been grocery shopping on my own, like, ever. Before, I was a teenager and I really didn't give a shit about it as long as my mom was bringing home food. And then, you know, I went to prison. You don't do a lot of grocery shopping in maximum security lock-up. But anyway, maybe you know what..." Matt trialed off, bringing the list closer to his face to try and decipher his mother's handwriting. "Kale is. I know it's a vegetable, but other than that, not shit."

Payton listened as Matt spoke, her heart only breaking even further as he continued. She had known that going to prison would hurt Matt but it wasn't until now that she realized just how badly it may have affected him. Payton let out a quiet sigh, balling her hand into a fist by her side. She had to fight to resist the urge to reach out and offer Matt any sort of comfort. She knew well enough that if the wrong person saw her talking to Matt and it got back to Ryan? She would likely be screwed. Her stomach twisted into a knot at the thought but she pushed the thought away. Matt needed her help and it wasn't like she was doing anything, right? All she was doing was helping him sort out his grocery list.

Leading Matt over to the kale, Payton picked out a bundle and dropped it into a pastry bag before handing it over to him. "Kale chips are really good. I can usually get away with eating a few and they're healthy so," Payton explained quietly as she shrugged her shoulders. She hadn't thought much about it, she was just so used to what her life was that sometimes, she forgot that it wasn't normal for her food to be monitored so strictly by her husband. "What else is on the list, Matt?"

Matt followed Payton over to the kale, watching as she picked out a bundle and dropped it into a produce bag. He made a face as he studied it before tossing it into his cart. His mom was going to eat that? He didn't understand how it could ever be appetizing, because it looked like it was going to taste like dirt. Matt was barely paying attention to Payton as she continued to speak, only looking up when he heard her asking him a question. "Uh, well food-wise there's quinoa," Matt answered, probably butchering the pronunciation of that word. He had no fucking idea what that is. Honestly, he had no idea why his mom had sent him to the store with this list and not told him anything about what was on her list.

"There's also some rice cakes?" Matt continued. "I know what those are, but I don't know where they are. And she wants some wonton wrappers, but she wants them to be tofu. God, I'm going to lose twenty pounds living at that house. All of this sounds disgusting." He wanted chips and soda and junk food, all the things he'd missed while he was in prison. But he didn't really have the money for that, so he would just have to eat what his mother cooked. Unless he was invited back to Payton's house for dinner or lunch again. She certainly knew how to cook, and he enjoyed her company. It reminded him of how things used to be, back before Tyler died and Matt's life changed forever. "You know you don't have to help me with the list if you need to leave or something," Matt said, looking over at Payton. "I'm sure I can find an employee to help me."

Payton had never quite gotten on the kale train but she knew quite a few people did and she wasn't the type of person to judge people. She just didn't personally see a point in it - when it wasn't really affecting her. Looking up when Matt spoke again, she couldn't help the way her face scrunched at his pronunciation of the word. "Matt!" She giggled, hiding her face in her hands for a moment before she pulled herself together enough to look back up at him. "It's quinoa. Like... keen-wa. It's actually a pretty tasty alternative to rice if you are trying to eat healthier," she commented quietly with a shrug of her shoulders. She motioned for Matt to follow her, deciding to ignore Matt trying to simply put off her help.

"I still have some shopping to do so why don't you just tell me what your list is while we go around the store? Should be able to finish it quick enough, right?" Payton asked softly, deciding to just start walking, heading toward the next aisle over. She hoped that Matt would follow her so she would get the chance to spend a few more minutes with him but she was going to leave the choice up to him since she didn't see a point in trying to make him follow her around.

"Well how was I supposed to know it's pronounced that way?" Matt asked, pouting when Payton laughed at him. "I was just pronouncing it how it was spelled. Ke-no-uh." Matt couldn't help but notice how Payton brushed off his attempts to spare her from having to help him. He was sure she had better things to do, like get home to her husband. But he wouldn't turn down the chance to spend more time with Payton, since she was the only other person besides his parents who even wanted him around.

"Well, I already told you what my list was, Payton," Matt said, handing her the piece of paper. There were a few things on there that he hadn't told her about, but those things he could find on his own, because he knew where they were. Or the general area where they were kept. "But I don't know where the keen-wa is," Matt said, making sure to emphasize the pronunciation. "And the ride cakes and the tofu. And chia seeds? And wheat germ? What the fuck is a wheat germ? Is it what gives wheat the flu? I think my mom wants me to turn into a plant Payton, you have to help me."

Payton hung her head as she let out a quiet giggle. It felt so strange to her, to be this relaxed and for once, genuinely happy, that she wasn't even thinking about how she should have been behaving. "Tofu has its own end of the first aisle," Payton paused, pointing over to where the end of the first official aisle was, toward the back of the store. "You can find tofu anything there. Tofu hot dogs, tofu chicken nuggets, tofu cheese," she gave a few examples as she led the way over to the area. She picked out some of the tofu, dropping it into Matt's basket.

"Rice cakes are so yummy!" Payton grew a bit more excited at the prospect, heading down the third aisle that had most of the snack foods. She hesitated, eyeing a few of the things before she continued on. There was no room in her budget to actually buy something not on her list - should she spend too much or buy something that was solely for her, it really wasn't worth it. She opted for the plain ones and then the salt and vinegar ones, her personal favourite as she handed them over to Matt.

"You have to promise me you'll give these foods a try, Matt. I bet your mom will cook up some super yummy things, you know her cooking." Payton looked up to him with a small pout. "Please?"

"That all sounds absolutely awful," Matt said, making a face as he followed Payton over to the section where the tofu was kept. Just looking at it as she selected some and put it in his cart made him feel like he didn't ever want to eat that. It looked white and spongy and gross and he didn't want it anywhere near his mouth. Matt followed Payton to the next aisle where apparently the rice cakes were located. He hardly glanced at the packages that Payton handed him before placing them in the cart, since he really didn't plan on eating any of this unless he was absolutely starving.

"I don't know, Payton," Matt said, surveying the contents of his shopping cart. "It all honesty looks disgusting, I don't think even my mom could turn this into anything appetizing." Matt looked up and saw the pout on Payton's face, and he sighed. She knew how much of an effect her pout had on him, it always had. "I might," Matt relented. "I'm not going to make any promises, though. Because I'm a meat and potatoes kind of guy, Payton. I don't do lots of greens and shit. And after the shit I ate while I was in prison, I just don't see how this health stuff is going to agree with me."

It would have been so easy for Payton to step forward and wrap her arms around Matt. Press herself against him, offer a light kiss, and in all likelihood, tell him how adorably stubborn he was being. God, she wanted to so badly that an ache began in her chest that was growing increasingly difficult for her to ignore. She shook her head as she looked up to Matt, cocking her head to the side. "Don't be ridiculous, Mattie. You know she'll cook something delicious and besides, you have to at least try it. Because how else would you know what you're missing out on? You wouldn't!"

Glancing down at the watch around her wrist, Payton paled a bit as she noticed how much time she had spent lingering with Matt. She wanted to dig her heels in and stall as much as possible but what would greet her at home if she didn't was a threat enough to stop her from slowing her down any longer. She let out a small sigh, reaching to run a hand through her hair before she finally looked up to meet Matt's gaze. "I wish I could stay longer but I do have to get home to start supper. Maybe I can call you sometime soon and you can come over for lunch again?"