Breaking the Cycle

I woke up with a splitting headache, the aftermath of hard partying. Nothing new. Judging by the headache, there had been cocaine involved, and a lot of tequila. Again. Nothing new. I told myself I'd take a break from the partying yesterday. Leanne, a good friend of mine, had asked me to help set up for some bands last show on tour tomorrow. Tomorrow would be crazy, so we needed to start getting everything ready today, and here I was in hangover recovery. Nice one, Ash. I got up, dragging my feet to the bathroom so I could pop some Advil and take a cold shower. This had been my life for years; party all night, crash, drag myself through the next day, party again that night. I'd been to rehab twice already, and told myself countless times I'd go back. I'd bailed on all of the Narcotics Anonymous meetings. I didn't have an excuse. When I didn't have to face the downward spiral, this made me happy.

I could hear the text tone going off on my phone; one, two...five times. I hopped out of the shower, my phone displaying what seemed to be a frantic Leanne, wondering where I was. I had agreed to meet her ten minutes ago. "Shit," I quickly got ready, and headed over to the amphitheater. Leanne greeted me, complete with her hands on her hips and her brows furrowed together. "Please no lecture," I asked, causing her to sigh. She knew; everything. Most addicts lost all their friends, because people get tired of dealing with your bullshit. Leanne had a line, and I'm sure I was just a couple of inches from crossing it.

"I'm just happy you showed...and that you're safe," she handed me a throw-away cup of coffee, already cold. I smiled at her thankfully as she began going over everything that needed to be done.



I was never able to sleep on the tour bus while it was moving like the other guys could. Not only did the motion sickness keep me awake, I felt like the driver purpose hit every pot hole on the road on purpose. I could hear it now, Are you tired, Ryan? Well too bad, fuck you. I'd sleep once we finally ended up back in L.A. while the guys went out to eat. I sat up from the small bunk, looking around me for something to drink even though the narrow hallway was dark. There were water bottles all over the place, so I grabbed one lying by my foot, and unscrewed the cap. As soon as it was in my mouth, I instantly knew it wasn't water. Jumping up, I bee-lined it to the bathroom, spitting it into the toilet. I turned on the faucet and stuck my head under it to try to get the taste out of my mouth, and then looked at the bottle in my hand.

Yellow.

Ricky was notorious for leaving his piss bottles lying around, and part of me thought about going to his bunk and pouring it on him. Instead, I threw it in the trash bin and headed to the front of the bus to open a window and get some air.

Letting a faint sigh escape my lips. I look around the venue as I take a deep breath. I had been on this tour with Motionless in White ever since it had taken off. Being their new makeup artist had it's perks. But downs too. Setting everything up in their dressing room that morning, I had landed here earlier than the guys had. Setting up everything, I wipe my hands off making sure I had everything set up and ready for when they arrived and needed their makeup down.

Since joining this tour, I had made friends with all the guys. The sweetest of them all, was Ryan. Grabbing my phone I decided to check up on him. Knowing he probably was awake. He never could sleep on a tour bus, so he told me. Hey you awake? You should be resting!-Nae.

---

Hearing Ryan gag, and the bottle hitting the can. A small chuckle escaped my lips. "Score!" I exclaimed to myself quietly laughing a little. Slowly swinging my feet over the edge and getting down. I went to the bathroom and did my business, before going up front. "Hey dude." I smirk at Ryan as I sit down on the other small window couch looking at him. "Did you enjoy your "water"?" I grin at him.

A couple hours later, the V.I.P lounge and other areas for fans who got to go backstage were set up and ready to go. It took that long for my hands to start subtly shaking and for my back to start sweating slightly. I took the small opaque baggy sitting in my purse, and facing away from everybody and towards the corner, I poured line with the white powdery gold on the back of my hand, quickly snorting it, and putting the bag back before anybody got curious. I turned back around, looking at everybody. I didn't know anybody besides Leanne, who'd gone off with the band's security detail to ensure all the proper measurements were in place, leaving me alone in the lounge. I sighed, and sat down on the couch. I would have killed for a cigarette, but had ran out on the drive over. I'd have to go buy more tonight before I met with Sean, my dealer.

Leanne came back into the room, apologizing to me for running off. Ironic.. "You should come to the show tomorrow. I can pick you up, it'll be free entry tomorrow, and you can hang around backstage."

"What band is even playing?" I asked, realizing I hadn't paid attention at all today.

"Well, it's Motionless in White headlining," she sat down next to me, obviously tired.

"Who?"



"How are you literally this gross?" I rolled my eyes, almost to the back of my head. I could feel my phone vibrate in the pocket of my sweats, so I pulled it out to see a text from Renee, our makeup artist. A corner pulled my lips up into a half smile. Over the span of the tour, she'd really shone as a person and I found myself enjoying her company. Sometimes, even wishing she was around. I was bummed when she went ahead of us to the amphitheater to help set our stuff up, and I still wouldn't see her until tomorrow when we got there.

Well I'll never be able to sleep knowing how much you want to bother me :) I couldn't help but tease her.

"Dude, if she makes you smile like that." I grin at him. "Then fucking ask her out. You're like a total bummer when she isn't around." I laughed out as I lent back into the window part. "I am gross, yes I am. But I fucking knew you'd do it. So in your face! Payback!" I laugh out as I get up and grab some water bottles. Handing Ryan one I smile, "No pee, swear." I tell him smiling before sitting down.

---

Laughing at his text message, I shake my head rolling my eyes slightly. He always would tease. Bother you? Oh please, you tease! ;). I walk with some of the other people helping and smile talking to them getting things set up and ready for when they'd get there the next day.

I drove to the nearest gas station, buying a pack of Marlboro reds. When I got back in my car, my phone started ringing, my boss showing up on the Caller ID. I'd been tattooing at his shop for a year now, since the last time I left recovery. Suddenly, I remembered I was supposed to be at work today. "Shit," I hissed to myself before answering the phone for my impending lecture.

"We can't do this anymore, Ash," he said. He didn't seem mad, just disappointed. I can't say I blamed him, I had a habit of disappointing everybody. It wasn't a pity party, it was a fact.

"I understand. I'll come by tomorrow and get my things," I said, not fighting. I'd be lying if I said this was hardly the first time I didn't show up for work. I'd be lying if I said this would have been the last.

"I'll have one of the guys drop it off at your apartment sometime this week. I think it's best if you don't show up anymore," I should have expected that, but it still hurt every time.

"I...yeah, I understand. Have a good night," I said, before hanging up. I banged my head against the head rest once, before recollecting my thoughts and driving to Sean's.



Well if I don't tease you, then who will? Everybody teased her on the tour, everybody teased everybody, all the time.

"I don't know man," I took the bottle from Ricky, "My trust with you is pretty thin. And payback for what?" I weighed what he said in my mind...I wasn't a bummer. I guess I could admit that life was more fun when Nae was around, and when she wasn't around, I wanted her to be. "And how the hell do you know what I'm smiling at? Maybe it's Chris. Maybe I love Chris, fucking homophobe."

Laughing at Ryan’s text, I sit down in a chair nearby and shake my head. Smiling I decide on skyping him. Once I get his name pulled up and lean back into the chair waiting for him to answer. Seeing the screen go black, I soon see Ricky grinning. “Olson, what are you doing answering Ryan’s phone?” I laugh looking at Ricky.

“I just wanted to see your gorgeous face.” Ricky winks laughing.

“Oh please.” I laugh flipping him off.

Smiling at the phone being shifted and Ryan’s face coming into view, “Well if you don’t tease me. Then that weirdo would be number two or Chris.” I tell him smiling.

---

I laugh seeing Ryan shifting a little as Renee begins talking to him. Smirking I grab my pillow from my bunk before sitting back down at the couch. Looking at Ryan I take and begin making out with the pillow as I point to Renee on the phone and laughing as Ryan groans. “Oh yeah.” I laugh out.

Sean's house was already flooded with people, as per usual. He lived in a nice house, and always kept his guests orderly, because it'd be pretty bad if the cops showed up while people were doing lines of coke in the basement. The music wasn't loud enough to be heard by the neighbors, not too many guests solicited in the yard, nobody underage. Completely legal, except for the coke. I walked inside the house with nobody paying attention to me. I grabbed a beer from the fridge, and made my way to the basement. Already having been here so many times, I knew my way around. Like every time I've been in here, Sean was downstairs, sitting behind a table covered in rows upon rows of finely milled white powder. He smiled as he saw me, and I shook his hand, passing a rolled up wad of twenty dollar bills into his hand and sitting down next to him.

"Surprised to see you back here after last night. I'm glad you got home safe," he said, gesturing me to do a line. I bent over the table after he handed me a rolled up bill. I could see part of a green Benjamin Franklin's face. Classy. I did a quick line, and then sat back up, leaning into the soft couch.

"I'm not even sure how I did that," I admitted.

"One day, you're not gonna be so lucky," he warned.

"That one day is today. I lost my job," After all of the shit Sean's seen me go through, I was hardly embarrassed anymore. He let out a sigh as he shook his head, reaching into his pocket. He handed me my rolled up bills and gave me a stern look.

"Go home, Ash. Go rest, take a night off. You can't keep doing this to yourself."



"One sec, Renee," I said, muting the call, and putting the phone down on my lap, "Go fuck yourself, Rick Olson," I loved the guys, and I definitely did my fair share of dishing the childish behavior, but I couldn't wait to have a conversation with somebody without having to watch a grown man make out with a pillow in front of me. Picking the phone back up, I un-muted the call and gave my attention back to Renee. "Please come save me when we get there," I playfully pouted as I looked at her.

"I'd like that too much." I laugh as I take make my way to the back of the bus. Going into the extra lounge area. I plop down onto the black, plus sofa. Sighing I see a message from a good friend of mine, Leanne calling. "Hey Lee. What's going on?" I ask her leaning into the sofa.

"I am worried. I know I can vent to you about anything." She tells me.

"Oh yea. What's up?" I ask her.

"My best friend, Rick. I am worried about her. I have no idea how to help her." She admits.

I listen to her concerns, not sure how to help. She wouldn't go into details about the girl. But just telling me she was worried. I promised the day we got there i'd try to help in anyway I could.

---

I laugh hearing Ricky's comment and knowing he'd done something. Seeing Ryan playfully pout, I laugh. "Oh yes. I will save you." I wink laughing as I smile. "I hope your driver gets you guys here earlier than last time. Because Devin's make up is going to take forever for this show. He sent me a picture this morning. A lot of work." I laugh smiling at Ryan.

I stumbled through my front door, my high finally starting to hit. I closed and locked the door behind me, and threw my stuff down on the floor. My heart rate had picked up, but at the same time, my body tingled in ways that made me happy. At the same time, I was sad to be alone. Nobody wants to be alone when they're high, because the best version of myself is being wasted. The best version of myself didn't care that I was starting to hit rock bottom.

But I was.

Suddenly, the happy mood that usually came with a good high flipped around to the polar opposite. I felt empty and sad. No, no, no. I got high to escape this.. I put my head in my hands and starting bawling. Fuck Sean for kicking me out.



"That's because Devin is a lot of work," I smiled, and then frowned that he was asleep and not hearing me make jokes about him, "Make sure you tell him I said that. What if I want you to do full drag make-up on me? Will that reserve some time alone with you?"

Sitting on my bunk. I tapped my chin a little as I read the book about the universe. Sighing a little bit I took and sighed to myself. I couldn't believe that Leanne had reached out to me of all people. What could I possibly do, to help someone?

---

I blushed laughing out lightly, "Yes it would Mr. Sitkowski." I winked laughing at him. "I have to go Ryan. I'll see you in the morning."I smile at Ryan before ending the call to get back to work.

My high had been exhausting, I could tell by how tired I was when I started coming down from it. I very rarely experienced a high that had been bad, and so I was thankful now for Sean kicking me out. I knew how bad I would have gotten because I'd been there before. I set the alarm on my phone so I could wake up early and meet Leanne at the theater so I could help with last minute stuff for the show.

Going to bed sober, see you tomorrow, I texted her, so she wouldn't worry about me tonight.



"I can't wait," I gave her another smile as I waited to her to hang up the call. I knew I wouldn't want to sleep when we got there now, but I also knew I wouldn't be able to sleep before then. I found a picture of a typical Devin Sola makeup look, sending Renee a picture of the 'drag' look I wanted to go for. Tell Devin I said that, too, I added in the text and implying that Devin was a drag queen. Letting out a heavy sigh, I put my phone down on the table next to me.

We'd left Denver for Los Angelas hours ago, and we still had more to go. I looked out the window at the desert, lit up by starlight, meaning we were somewhere in Nevada. Closer. I was happy I got to see her face, but now I wouldn't be able to get her out of my head until she was sitting next to me. Then I'd never want her to leave. I leaned against the window now, managing to get comfortable enough for a small nap.

Resting my head against my pillow. I sigh a little bit feeling how heavy my eyes were getting. Letting the sleep over take me. I take and give in letting it over take me as I take and sigh resting up a bit before we got to LA.

---

Smiling as I finished helping the guys. I take and think about Ryan. Biting my lip I decide heading to the hotel room they'd gotten all the tour people. Walking inside, I went into the bathroom. Getting a shower, I let my hair dangle down as I dried it by hand. Doing my night routine I smile as I take and walk into the room and curl up in the bed. He was on my mind, and I couldn't wait for him to get here.

My alarm went off, waking me from a deep sleep. Even though I slept better than most nights, I still felt like shit. Turning off my alarm, I walked into my bathroom and took a shower and got ready to meet Leanne at the venue. I got ready, curling my long silver hair. I wore black pants, a black top, black shoes, black makeup, not different from any other day. My stomach started growling, and I had been pleased I decided to wake up early enough to be able to eat for once.

I walked into my small kitchen for a bowl of cereal. I grabbed a bowl from the bottom shelf of the cabinet, which I had been eye level with because I was so short. I poured my cereal, milk, and ate it at the counter before throwing the empty bowl in the sink and heading out.



I reached up to scratch my forehead. It felt like it was being tickled, which woke me up. I put my hand back down on the table before I felt the weird sensation again and swatted at my forehead, my hand colliding with somebody else's. I could hear something hit the wall next to me, and opened my eyes to see Chris in front of me.

"You better pray that wasn't a sharpie I just knocked from your hand," I grumbled. I knew there was a penis on my forehead at this point. Probably awkwardly shaped an hairy.

"Better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission," Chris snickered before patting my cheek and walking off the bus. I turned around and saw we were parked behind the venue. It was already sunny out, causing me to squint. I looked closer in the window, looking for my reflection. Yep. Hairy penis.

"It must be pick on Ryan day." I laughed walking towards the front. "Dude first my pee, now the forehead penis." I laugh smiling at my friend. "Dude you better be getting that off. Because Renee will be on her way to see her handsome little Ryan soon." I laughed before stepping off the bus and throwing my ball cap and sunglasses on.

---

I had finished laying everything out on each vanity that went to each guy. Smiling I felt someone goose my sides causing me to scream as I smacked Devin and Chris. "You two are dicks." I laughed out smacking them.

"Ryan may need your help." Chris smirked at Me.

"Oh did you draw the penis on him again?" I laughed seeing him smirk and shrug. "You are awful." I swatted his chest.

Grabbing my rubbing alcohol and some cotton swabs. I walked through the venue and out the back. Seeing Ricky walk off the bus laughing I smiled at him before going on seeing Ryan sitting at the table looking at the window. "See, I told you to sleep in your bunk. This wouldn't had happened." I giggled lightly before sitting on the edge of the table. "Look up here." I smiled down at him as I pushed some of his hair back and began scrubbing at his forehead to get it off.

I met Leanne in the parking lot, and she handed me a cup of coffee. I could feel the heat of it through the slip, "I'm not used to getting hot coffee," I joked.

"I'm not used to you being on time," she joked back, "this is just as strange to me as it is to you." I took a cautious sip of the coffee so I didn't burn my tongue. "The band is already here, getting ready I'm sure. Here, put this on," she handed me a laminated 'staff' pass, and I put the lanyard around my neck. "That'll give you access in the venue. Now that the band is here, you'll need it to get around while we finish up." We passed three tour buses on our way inside. We walked down the hall towards the management office, which was where Leanne worked out of.



I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, scrubbing as much of the phallic drawing off as I could, which wasn't much. The lines may have been less bold, but you could definitely see the picture. "God dammit, Chris," I mumbled as I walked back to my bus, looking for a beanie that would cover my forehead. Renee would get a huge kick out of this, just like the rest of the guys. Suddenly, I dreaded going into the dressing room, because I knew that Ricky making out with a pillow was just the beginning of all the jokes I'd be getting. "Fuck," I sighed before grabbing my phone headed off the bus, into the venue.

Making my way through the venue to Management. I knocked on Leanne's door. Seeing it open I smiled stepping inside. "Hey. So, I am here." I laugh as she hugs me. I step back as I see another woman inside of the office. She is pretty gorgeous, deffintnley my taste. I cross my arms before hearing Leanne clear her throat. "So last night, the favor. What's up?" I ask my friend smiling.

---

Shaking my head as I finished getting the drawing off of Angelo's head. I look at Chris. I guess the perks of being his cousin, I knew it was him. "You are so horrible." I tell him as he laughs.

"But you love me." Chris pouts.

"I have too, because you're family." I tell him smiling. "Where's Ryan? Chris what did you do?" I ask.

"Just a fun drawing." Chris jokes.

"Oh you didn't." I tell him as he laughs nodding.

Shaking my head I see Ryan walking in and see the beanie. "Oh I am going to murder you in your sleep!" I snap at my cousin smacking his head as I walk over to Ryan. "C'mon let me try to get it off." I smile at him.

I glanced at Leanne's friend, not recognizing him, and back to my phone. I needed to start looking for another job soon, knowing it would be harder this time because I didn't have a great track record or maintaining employment. I could feel them both glance at me quickly, and then back to each other.

"Later, Ricky," Leanne said to him. Leanne had been married, so I wondered to myself why she was being so secretive.



I sat down and grumpily took the beanie off, revealing the artwork.

"A masterpiece," Chris joked.

"How come the one you drew on him was bigger?" Angelo scoffed.

"You too?" I asked him, and he nodded in return.

"I guess he forgets how deep the desire for revenge runs," I said, giving a side glance to Chris who seemed to be enjoying his own antics. I rolled my eyes, and then looked back at Renee. I felt like she was more and more beautiful every single time I saw her.

"Alright. I need to go get ready." I told Leanne and smiled. "See ya later." I told her before quickly making my way out. I shoved my hands into my pockets and began walking. I took and sighed wondering what was up. But figured it had to do something with the other woman inside of Leanne's office. I took and went to the bathroom before going to get my makeup and hair done for the meet and greet, and show.

---

"Chris needs this done to him." I smirked over at my cousin. "Just remember karma is a bitch." I warned him getting the marker off and smiling. "There ya go. It's gone and my cousin will get payback." I grinned before seeing the rest of the guys scurrying away to their seats. I laughed knowing Devin and Ryan would be the difficult two to get makeup on.

Beginning on the rest it wasn't long till I had them done. Seeing Devin beginning on his I smiled going over to Ryan. "Since drama queen over there is working on his own. I can begin yours." I laugh as I take and begin getting everything ready. I turn back around and smile at Ryan as I begin putting the foundation on to make his face paler than normal.

"Who's that?" I asked as Ricky left, simultaneously raising an eyebrow.

"He's in our headlining band," she said, "His name's Ricky, he plays guitar."

"What's that favor you need?" I teased her, and she rolled her eyes.

"Well the favor I need from you right now is to make sure the sound check is getting done," she said, going through some papers on her desk.

"Mhmm," I stood up while giving her a side-eye, "Gonna have to start paying me eventually." Also a joke, but it sparked an idea, but I'd ask her about it later.



I couldn't wait for Renee to finish my makeup, just because I wanted to see Devin's face when it was done. Renee was really good at her job, so I was expecting everybody to being seeing two Ghosts all night. I kept glancing at her in short periods, not wanting her to know. Because she was working on my face, it would be too easy to make eye contact with her. Suddenly, I was nervous.