It's like the universe said, "Okay...have your apartment," and then a week later cracked its knuckles and proceeded to shit on me in the worst possible ways. First the car battery and alternator draining our accounts when our savings was already gone from the security deposit. Now I feel my job is threatened because an important check got lost on my watch and never got shipped like it was supposed to. Plus keeping the home clean and habitable, worrying about utilities here and from the old house, and trying to maintain a social life...it's taking everything in me to not crack under all this (and in fact I already have one night, when I had a bad bout of dissociating in front of James).
I'm already drinking more than I used to at our old house and if we still had the dab rig and I could guarantee that they left no aroma, I would be doing that too. I stress here at work and I stress at home--when am I able to finally relax?
EDIT: With nothing changing and the fear that maybe they don't see me on the surveillance camera making the drop off, maybe I did lose it because I am incompetent and dropped it in the wrong bin, or didn't seal the envelope or pouch correctly so things went missing...I literally l i t e r a l l y would prefer to be dead rather than deal with this issue anymore. Over $700k gone because of me. I actually, totally, sincerely, and completely wish I were dead right now. Because that would be a fate better than dealing with job loss, unemployment, and being at fault for losing our place.
EDIT 2: At least I'm not going insane. At least they have footage of me dropping off the check. So at least they can't claim my incompetence. But I know the head manager is still going to rain hell on me for it. I know I'm going to be watched like a hawk. The only saving grace is my direct manager having empathy towards me in this position and being the first and only person to ask during this, "Are you okay?" Because she doesn't see it as as big a deal as the head manager is making it--apparently the state can cut us a new check and stop the other one, but it just takes longer. But that single outreach of kindness amidst three full days of absolute torment on my head (as visible above, I literally felt like dying would be better than getting fired) is the only thing keeping me going here.
But it has certainly opened up my eyes and has me seriously considering another job. If the environment is going to be as toxic as it is for something that wasn't even directly my fault, then I'm as expendable as they think I am and I shouldn't even be here. So good luck filling my position with all the bull that you lot have me do on a regular basis. Have fun piling up the work on my back up who is supposed to be retired anyway and would probably push him towards it. Because if this is how you treat your workers, you don't deserve them.
I'm already drinking more than I used to at our old house and if we still had the dab rig and I could guarantee that they left no aroma, I would be doing that too. I stress here at work and I stress at home--when am I able to finally relax?
EDIT: With nothing changing and the fear that maybe they don't see me on the surveillance camera making the drop off, maybe I did lose it because I am incompetent and dropped it in the wrong bin, or didn't seal the envelope or pouch correctly so things went missing...I literally l i t e r a l l y would prefer to be dead rather than deal with this issue anymore. Over $700k gone because of me. I actually, totally, sincerely, and completely wish I were dead right now. Because that would be a fate better than dealing with job loss, unemployment, and being at fault for losing our place.
EDIT 2: At least I'm not going insane. At least they have footage of me dropping off the check. So at least they can't claim my incompetence. But I know the head manager is still going to rain hell on me for it. I know I'm going to be watched like a hawk. The only saving grace is my direct manager having empathy towards me in this position and being the first and only person to ask during this, "Are you okay?" Because she doesn't see it as as big a deal as the head manager is making it--apparently the state can cut us a new check and stop the other one, but it just takes longer. But that single outreach of kindness amidst three full days of absolute torment on my head (as visible above, I literally felt like dying would be better than getting fired) is the only thing keeping me going here.
But it has certainly opened up my eyes and has me seriously considering another job. If the environment is going to be as toxic as it is for something that wasn't even directly my fault, then I'm as expendable as they think I am and I shouldn't even be here. So good luck filling my position with all the bull that you lot have me do on a regular basis. Have fun piling up the work on my back up who is supposed to be retired anyway and would probably push him towards it. Because if this is how you treat your workers, you don't deserve them.
August 28th, 2019 at 07:24pm