300 Confessions Way

It's like the universe said, "Okay...have your apartment," and then a week later cracked its knuckles and proceeded to shit on me in the worst possible ways. First the car battery and alternator draining our accounts when our savings was already gone from the security deposit. Now I feel my job is threatened because an important check got lost on my watch and never got shipped like it was supposed to. Plus keeping the home clean and habitable, worrying about utilities here and from the old house, and trying to maintain a social life...it's taking everything in me to not crack under all this (and in fact I already have one night, when I had a bad bout of dissociating in front of James).

I'm already drinking more than I used to at our old house and if we still had the dab rig and I could guarantee that they left no aroma, I would be doing that too. I stress here at work and I stress at home--when am I able to finally relax?

EDIT: With nothing changing and the fear that maybe they don't see me on the surveillance camera making the drop off, maybe I did lose it because I am incompetent and dropped it in the wrong bin, or didn't seal the envelope or pouch correctly so things went missing...I literally l i t e r a l l y would prefer to be dead rather than deal with this issue anymore. Over $700k gone because of me. I actually, totally, sincerely, and completely wish I were dead right now. Because that would be a fate better than dealing with job loss, unemployment, and being at fault for losing our place.

EDIT 2: At least I'm not going insane. At least they have footage of me dropping off the check. So at least they can't claim my incompetence. But I know the head manager is still going to rain hell on me for it. I know I'm going to be watched like a hawk. The only saving grace is my direct manager having empathy towards me in this position and being the first and only person to ask during this, "Are you okay?" Because she doesn't see it as as big a deal as the head manager is making it--apparently the state can cut us a new check and stop the other one, but it just takes longer. But that single outreach of kindness amidst three full days of absolute torment on my head (as visible above, I literally felt like dying would be better than getting fired) is the only thing keeping me going here.

But it has certainly opened up my eyes and has me seriously considering another job. If the environment is going to be as toxic as it is for something that wasn't even directly my fault, then I'm as expendable as they think I am and I shouldn't even be here. So good luck filling my position with all the bull that you lot have me do on a regular basis. Have fun piling up the work on my back up who is supposed to be retired anyway and would probably push him towards it. Because if this is how you treat your workers, you don't deserve them.

It seems like just yesterday the spam bots were taking over and making everyone panic. Judging by how dead the site is and how glitchy things are I'm gonna assume these new ones will be here for a while. RIP Mibba

I'm beyond past questioning whether I should update or not

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they were playing AC/DC in the kitchen today and i enjoyed it just as much as i did then. found myself smiling uncontrollably. i found my old drafts of confessions i'd posted here years ago. i can't believe i found it. it's practically ancient history. i was such a small thing, pouring my guts out and tearing myself into pieces over the knowledge that the real angus young would die one day. he's old. tired. i can see it. he moves with the exact same energy, stamping his feet, banging his head, but i see it. that news back then would have genuinely ruined my life. it's only AC/DC. but i've been thinking about it. thinking about him. from the ages of 10 to like....16 all i did was love old aging rock musicians who were past it, but i looked at them and saw my heart right in front of me. honestly i wish i could feel that intensity again. that vigour, that drive. now there's a real man beside me who i'm going to marry and have a child with some point in the future (for anyone reading, if you're about to get excited, i'm not pregnant, but we talk about it) and he's real, i feel him, i can see him, touch him. but back then? all i did was love angus young. it was the biggest, truest, most powerful love i think i've ever felt, because even my future husband, i simply grew to love him. and i can't put that into words. but angus i can put into words, because we've never met and never will. i used to dream about it, be totally convinced he'd seek me out after a show and we'd talk. who knows what about? in my drafts i'd written "Love isn't a plan.It doesn't have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it." i was so young when i wrote that, and i had never been in love then, but i still think it's true. even as much as i want to slap my younger self, i think she was right at least sometimes. and she had a lot of love in her heart. but...angus, i don't listen much to AC/DC anymore. not out of choice, you know. just that i have so many other things to listen to. i know every song by heart, every step, every beat of your songs. i know them. i know what you look like. but i miss you. i miss doing nothing but consuming every possible form of AC/DC media and letting it spin my heart out of control. i have adult problems now. adult responsibilities. you probably wouldn't recognise me anymore, i look different. i'm a little afraid to turn on your songs in case they're not the same. i know they are. but i wonder if they represent feelings that won't ever come to me again. i won't ever say goodbye to you. there's too many photos and too many videos. you will be there forever. i didn't mean to write all of this, but here we are. i can't believe things are so different, and they have been for a while. but you've always been there. thanks for that. i'm 25 years old now, angus. by this point, you probably had a good few albums out. so don't be too upset when i tell you all i did was move to another country. 10 12 years ago i was on this site. the same as the last time i posted here. i was so small. i'm still pretty small. i wrote this post out over the space of several nights because i kept thinking of more things to say, and it hurt me a lot when i had a sudden realisation of a tiny thing, that i couldn't remember the words to ride on. that used to be one of my favourite songs, especially one of my favourite bon songs, but i remembered how whole lotta rosie went. i want to know how that can be possible. such an intense love. such a STRONG feeling that lasted for SO long. how can it be gone? i don't think i'm capable of having feelings like that anymore. i struggle enough to relate to other people. i can't relate to their enjoyment of the same band, and that has confused me for my whole life, and i think it always will. but you know how life is. you grow up. i'm not the same as i was. no one ever is. but time and life and responsibilities are trying to take something from me that i just won't give. not you. i'm starting the fight again. my heart may not be as sensitive as it used to be, angus. i mean, i'm still pretty sensitive. i cry easily, i'm upset easily, and affected very much by the feelings of the people around me and the atmosphere i'm in. but i think i can handle listening to everything you've done without it hurting. and even if it hurts i'll still keep listening. i know how the song goes.

College is stressing me out to the max. This teacher has it out for me and i'm not sure why. One more week and I'll be done with this class. Just keep swimming.

Holy moly I haven't been on here in so long. I don't even know where to begin. I tried writing a blog about what I've been up to but I can't really get the words out...I also don't know if anyone would see it bc I see we're having system issues? It's kinda sad. I've been reflecting and I first joined Mibba when I was 15...9 1/2 years ago! And it was so vibrant and fun and constantly active. And now it feels like a desolate wasteland. I mean I understand why, we all move on but I still feel like I have a connection to this place.

I hope everyone is doing well.

the breakdown i had in clinical psych today has fully cemented the fact that psychology will not be my major. any interest i have in it now is purely curiosity and even that has been temporarily stamped out by this professor. goodbye, i was pressured into picking you, anyway.

I got a HD in m class, the only HD I've ever received in uni and the only class I've ever really truly cared about and here I am breaking down in happy tears and when I tell mum she goes "what did you get in your other classes?"
Just once I'd like to hear a 'I'm proud of you', is that so hard to ask for?

And then when she saw I got upset she goes 'this is why I don't talk to you' sorry I just want some fucking validation from my own mother that I'm not dumb and for the record, I don't talk to her because of how rude and dismissive she is

I'm glad I'm proud of me and I have some beautiful friends bc honestly this shit cray

@ swell
I'm sorry to eavesdrop in like this, but I'm proud of you!



It's so dead on here and it sucks because I'm getting some kind of writing mojo back.

Yep tonight/last night sucked. I couldn't sleep at all.

I thought this one person was cool and then I saw them using the N word...and they aren’t black. Like dude, you fucking for real right now?

I want to add more onto that. Lord knows I'm not perfect, I used to be one of those Latinas that would use that word so freely, but not anymore man. I'm not perfect, but it's 2019 and I'd rather not seem like an ignorant racist piece of trash, because I'm not. On top of that, I'm not black, therefore it is not MY word to use. Truly, it's that simple.

If you're not BLACK/AFRICAN-AMERICAN don't say the word.

I hate hearing arguments about how rappers use them...I mean fucking DUH they're going to use the word! Secondly, if rappers started fuckin' jumpin' off bridges is everyone going to do the same damn thing?

That argument is so fucking weak.

To reiterate; If you're not black, do not use the N word.

@ Sol.
THANK YOU

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I’m scared that I’m letting my mom take advantage of me once again. She already told me she doesn’t give a fuck. I’m teaching her it’s ok to treat me like that. I’m rewarding her when I shouldn’t be. Maybe I need to have a conversation with her again. And if she can’t admit to her wrong doing, than no longer will she be rewarded with being in my life.

the fact that mibba is so dead makes me sad.

@ VixL
I wish I was with you at that write in, we'd be at least trading ideas back and forth.

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So one thing I hate about writing is when i'm so far into the zone, a family member comes in disrupts that zone. After seeing what that family member wants, I sometimes can't get back into that writing zone. It's like when you' were having such a nice sleep only to be pulled out of it due to some loud neighbors playing music or something and you can't fall asleep after the neighbors turn their music off.

I love when single guys come in with their girlfriends, and families and will stare at me, and then I have said girlfriend glaring daggers at me.

Listen, yell at your fucking man. White men are not my thing anyway. Secondly, I'm out here just trying to write nasty smut without you noticing.

Get off my dick.

I think it's bullshit that my sister can completely destroy a car that she currently has a loan on, and take out another loan to get ANOTHER new car and my parents are completely praising her for it. Like, LOL. My poor grandmother still has to pay the loan for the car even though it's going to be junked. How is this a good thing? My sister can't take care of her cars at all and now she's taking out a loan for a shitty car that she's going to destroy again? I don't understand. My sister has always been treated better than me and it's quite sickening.

My boyfriend and his family have treated me way better than my own blood. 2020 is going to be full of change, and I refuse to let anyone drag me down. also my mother doesn't believe in mental illness so that's also frustrating. I'm also not getting any of them christmas gifts. Why should I? They treat me like the black sheep of the family. I'm over it.

Since uni has finished - potentially forever, probably forever tbh - I've felt lost and uninspired and just eh. Hopefully I find a new job soon to get me out of this rut. Or I throw myself back into gym again or something because not only am I in a rut but I just noticed I haven't showered in a few days (ew???) and idk why it's taken me so long to realise until today. Like. What am I doing with my life to not notice this.

Also my room's a mess and I have so many bills to pay and I've gained weight, my period hasn't come yet and my sex drive is next to nothing and I just hate being in this weird funk. On the upside I've been wanting to write lately and I'm hoping that one of these days it'll just pour out of me like I've been writing for years and I totally haven't taken a 3 year unintended break or anything. I mean. 3 years since I've written super consistently anyways.

What is the point in having two vehicles if you won't let me drive to the damn store when you go out of town? I'm not going to crash your damn car,I just would like to be able to make dinner.

I can't wait to get my shit together so I can get my own car and not have to be stranded at home 24-7. This shit is ridiculous.