300 Confessions Way

My so called friend just made commission off of me and sold me a cash value life insurance plan, I deleted my Facebook again (and my tiktok), and I think I’m finally done with coming onto this site. :( It’s been a rough day.

Sometimes I feel like I’m on top of the world, like I can conquer anything if I set my mind to it. The numbers all align so perfectly and nothing hurts and I feel like I’m so on top of the whole thing. And then other days it’s like I just wanna give up. I don’t want to have to count carbs constantly or avoid food or binge on things I’m not supposed to eat and then feel guilty. Lately those days have been happening more and more and sometimes I sit and think that I just won’t need insulin anymore and what could really go wrong if I just didn’t take it? I don’t want to be injecting four times a day for the rest of my fucking life. I really don’t. And I get so damn angry when I think about all of the folks I know that are T2 and have cured theirs via diet or exercise or fucking whatever and I just sit and wonder why I can’t do that. But it’s not fair because they didn’t ask for it either and why should I blame them, yanno? But I get so bitter about it. I have friends that have been T1 since they were kids and they just seem to be so on top of it and I feel like I’m an absolute failure because I don’t know how to handle this. I didn’t grow up with this, and even though it’s almost been a year I still don’t know what I’m doing. And yet when people ask how I’m doing I paint on the most false smile I can and tell them it’s all good and I’m not letting it stop me. But I am. I really am. And I can’t burden my friends and family with that. And I want to ask the DSN if I can see about going onto one of the Libre things but I don’t know how to, or if I could even handle it if they said I didn’t qualify for the funding because honestly fuck having to prick my finger just to make sure I’m not about to pass out.

I don’t know. I’m having a bad month. Maybe in a few weeks I’ll look back on this post and laugh about how stupid I’m being. But right now it feels like I’ve hit a brick wall and this stupid pandemic isn’t helping.

I'm not gonna lie; it really bugs me that the writing related threads are always dead around here. Like, this is a writing site. What are we doing? Why doesn't anybody want to talk about writing?

I miss writing and being human.
I miss Mibba being active and feeling like home.
now would be the perfect time but my brain is broken and the site is dead

Wow, haven’t been on here in three months. Thanfkully that so called “friend” didn’t get shit off of me. And I’ve ghosted her ass. Um…I miss this site but I’m scared to come up here anymore because of all the spam and it keeps saying it is not secure. But the memories.

Welp this site is full of ads for buying Covid tests, or is that just me? depressing. perhaps I’ll come back again. find me elsewhere

I miss Mibba.

eVeRyOnE iS a BiT aUtIsTiC shut the fuck up.

well mibba, I didn't think I would ever be here in 2022 making a post, but I need to confess, and I don't feel okay doing it anywhere else.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that my most recent ex-gf traumatized me.

I wrote it all out, right here, and then deleted it. There are so many gruesome details but this is all that matters, all that it boils down to. She traumatized me. Or at least re-traumatized me. By putting me in a situation that was so unsafe, and so reliant on her moods and whims. I don't think she did it on purpose. I really don't. But I honestly don't know how I can recover this time.

(I haven't even processed how much I miss her. The way things used to be, when they were happy and carefree and I just felt like the whole world was mine.)

@ the god of thunder.
despite the fact it's been about 10 years i'm still sending you hugs

divine;:

phew. i know i shouldn't want it...but i really want you to do something.

i'm so fucking glad you didn't. hindsight really is 20/20. hope you're crying and the bitterness of your tears reminds you of me

I just spent an hour changing my blog layout to match my signature/avatar theme because it honestly bothered me so much. (The old one was also basic.)

I may need help.

I also missed the Mibba emojis and wish I had them on my phone.

edited to add:
I intended to spend the morning writing but instead I:
a) made a new blog layout
b) made a blog to show off said new layout
c) made a new story banner/layout for HP fic I was intending to write
d) did not, in fact, write (except for b)

Okay tonsillitis pop off queen!!! My tonsils are HUGE!!!
Posting here because I’m still awake… the spam makes me sad :c

hey mibba, black hole venting hour because this feels too bleak to put anywhere else.

seeing my cousins getting older is making me insanely sad. as they start to lose their youthful resilience and fall into the depressing routine of life in an increasingly fascist, persistently labor-driven country for the first time, it's like another layer of comfort is being stripped from me. I work with kids, and children bring me so much joy because they can live in their own private worlds insulted from all this, (even if never completely unaffected), and that feels so inspiring to see. young people have so much power, and maybe it's my own issues with mental health and chronic conditions talking, but it feels like you hit this point where you cross a threshold into how absolutely bleak everything is, and there is no comfort anymore and it feels like nothing will ever be okay again. I've been living in that space for a couple years now, and though it does get better in the fluctuation sense, it never gets better for long stretches. that sense of despair rules everything.

these days I'm so unhappy.

everything is so flat, so monotonous. work is a machine that churns not just over my body and mind, but my memories, my ability to retain the sensation of anything new that happens, anything fresh and exciting and freeing. work always comes back to bowl down whatever the pandemic already didn't.

the passion is dead inside of me. I don't see the point. creativity no longer brings me closer to the life that I wanted. expressing myself no longer moves mountains, no longer bring waves of new energy, I don't even know if anything could move me at this point. when I talk to new people, I don't feel close to them. no one lives up to my ex. no one sees me as the one special person in their life anymore, people just talk At me about their special person. even people who are attracted to me and affectionate with me have their own separate special person who isn't me, and meanwhile, I get older and uglier and less competent and more depressed. no one gets me like she used to, no one is excited about me and on the exact same wavelength, and I've turned into a miserable lump of depression with everyone who is trying to be in my life because I just feel like nobody actually sees me and I'm alone, and I used to not be alone, I used to have everything I ever wanted, until life said haha!! and switched it up for absolutely no reason. all I hear around me are people saying that god works in mysterious ways, or that the universe removes things that don't "serve your highest good," or that morality and hard work will be rewarded cosmically, and it all fucks me up so bad because I feel like I'm always doing the best that I can, and don't know why I'm the exception to all these apparent rules. I'm doing worse and worse. I miss being happy and feeling healthy and well inside of my body. I miss retaining memories. I miss feeling like there was a world out there, and progress was being made, and my life was leading to something good. I just feel empty, unwell, and alone now. all the comfort was taken out of life for me during the pandemic, and then again with my ex, and I don't see myself ever getting it back. my brain feels too damaged. I wish I could just die and start over.

The old Mibba needs to make a comeback. This site was amazing back in the day.

I've been here since almost the start of this forum back in 2007 and it honestly makes me a little sad to see so much spam.

Here's a confession no one still here will probably care about: I was dating one of the early mods back in the day. She's married now, I'm happy for her.

I've been thinking a lot about where I am in life, where I want to be, if that's enough for me. I'm not entirely fond of my job but I'm good at it and I make okay money. It's hard to save where we live and with my lack of discipline nowadays (but the alternative was constant self-berating that tends to lead to further depressive spirals so) but we're trying. Me and some friends are trying to save to move into a house together. James is working on his credit. We'll hopefully finally tie the knot this year or early next year. I don't go out much anymore, but I'm still finding joy in new hobbies. We do need to continue to make strides towards bettering our health, but money. I'd love for us to vacation in Japan again, but money.

There was a poll on tumblr (continuing the trend of visiting old sites I guess) asking if 12 year old me would be happy seeing me. And...I think so? She didn't know about our first same-sex relationship yet; hell, she doesn't know about her sexuality yet at all. She doesn't exactly know about all of mom's shortcomings, the money struggle, and butting heads with our siblings--she loves our siblings still. But she would also gawk at us being in an almost 8 year relationship and living in our own apartment with our own computer and video game consoles. She doesn't know about the suicide attempt.

I don't know if I'm content per se but I'm in such a better place than I could have been, I think. I keep thinking I'm settling but comparatively, we're doing well. I should know better than to compare my situation to my friends, but I don't know. Combined with some tweets on my feed with the mindset of, "Cut out people in your life who aren't growing/bettering themselves" I keep thinking that I'm bad for not striving for more. Isn't it enough to be alive and comfortable? Is my bar so low?

-

I miss writing with everyone in the RP forums and building stories together. All the forums I see after all these years, I can never find a site that was like mibba forums.

I still have our text thread from two years ago. OMG. I hate that you're still in my head.