Talking to my bipolar, infp Grandma is fun. Even when she’s drinking like three acholic drinks and I know she can get wild. We have really deep, introspective conversations. Even if they’re all over the place. It’s funny how the most mentally unstable of my family is the realest, genuinest one and can read through the bs just like me. But I can’t deal with her for long, because then she starts acting like a baby. Or trying to get me to give her some money so she can buy drugs. Or she’s snaps at me because of her manic state.
Just not feeling it today. Literally had a mental breakdown where I thought about suicide all because my mom came into the back room and interuppted my peace. I was
literally having a good fucking moment blocking out my reality, depression, and the fact that it’s spring break but I have nowhere to go or no friends...and the fact that if I would have stayed in school I would have a degree and possibly my own place by now instead of struggling to battle depression just to turn in assignments for a Associate’s Degree in a program I’m pretty sure I no longer want to do anymore. I guess this is just a result of Major Depression Disorder. I’m just having a episode. But damn that mood swing was crazy. I just can’t stand when someone I don’t necessarily likes comes in and tries to take away the only good thing in my life. She ruined the moment. It’s like when you love a name, but then you meet an asshole with that name and you no longer love it anymore. That’s how I feel. She wouldn’t just leave me alone and let me watch my show with her homophobic, conspiracy theory, judgemental, fake ass. I can’t stand her. I just wish I could leave this house and be on my own. I hate people. Even family. They just ruin everything. I can’t deal with them. And now my aunt and cousin are here, which makes my day even worse. Let me be a loner and unhappy in peace. It’s hard enough I’m depressed and suicidal. But then I have to deal with my family and people. It just makes it even worse.
I’m scared this bitch is going to try to steal my money just because I said I was going out to get some hot cheetohs. So, now she thinks I have money to spend. She had the audacity to ask me to check the fridge to see if we have any milk. She was acting like she polices my wallet. Excuse me, miss. But I paid Grandma for this month. I’m NOT living with you anymore. Ontop of that, I’m literally in debt because I used $3,000 to pay YOUR RENT. Not to mention ALL THE OTHER TIMES I’VE GIVEN YOU MONEY. I haven’t given you any money this month, because I NO LONGER LIVE WITH YOU. I told you that you and I are done. So, I don’t owe you any more money. The only person I’m paying money to from now on is my grandma. NOT YOU. Also, I do your laundry and my siblings laundry if you want to get stupid and say, “But you eat my food”. P.S. YOU HAVEN’T EVEN BOUGHT FOOD WHICH IS WHY YOUR KIDS GO HUNGRY. Then you always have the audacity to ask me what did I eat instead of worrying about what your kids are eating, because you know they’re not eating (which is why you ask me to check to see if it he made anything. If it wasn’t for him making them some food...they would only be eating bread.)You want to act like I have money to blow, yet you’re the one driving up and down to go to basketball games and flirt. Also, you’re wearing new clothes. So, where’s your money going? It’s YOUR responsibility to feed YOUR KIDS. Not MINE. I eat whatever Grandma and he has in the house BECAUSE I PAY THEM RENT AND THAT’S GRANDMA AND MY’S AGREEMENT.I hate her.
I’m tired of being around small, closed minded people who literally are the basis of every depiction of hateful people depicted in TVs and movies everywhere. You literally see this type of shit and think, “It can’t be that bad. No one can be that hateful. No one can be that ignorant yet think they know so much”. Then you meet my fucking family and you’re like, “Yes. Yes, people really ARE this fucking disgusting”. These days I don’t even believe there are open minded, non judgmental people anymore. Is it really that hard to just live your own fucking life and stop sprouting hateful bullshit under the guise of “God”. Funny thing is YOU’RE BLACK. How the fuck can you say gays and trans people don’t deserve “rights” or that they are pushing a “gay agenda” when IT’S NATURAL, BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS?!?! You sound as ignorant as the people who used to say blacks didn’t deserve ro vote, or interracial marriage should continue to be outlawed, etc etc. Yet you want to say, “I’m not homophobic, but...” That’s like saying, “I’m not racist, but...” THERE ARE NO BUTS. YOU’RE A HATEFUL PERSON who watches Youtube videos that promote and make you feel like you have a right to be hateful. You think you’re so “educated” and “enlightened” when really you’re no better than the white supremists who sit on the internet watching videos that promote their white supermist agenda and make them feel like it’s ok for them to continue in their hate. YOU’RE SICK. And I hope to God I get out of your vicinity so I no longer have to hear your disgusting, psuedoreligion bullshit anymore. The best you are is a whore who just wants male attention. Stick to that and stop trying to pretend you’re some fucking prophetess when all you are is a vain, disgusting, hateful sour milk smelling pound of flesh who doesn’t know what to do with herself because no men want you anymore like they used to when you used to run around having unmarital sex (WHICH YOU STILL DO AND ALWAYS WILL DO because all you care about is male attention). You’re not a real Christian. Real Christians aren’t manipulative, controlling, selfish, fake, or as judgmental as you are. YOU’RE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL. And that hell is this: when you die and realize that there is no God, Heaven, or anything. You’re just choosing to be a disgusting human being and using religion as your way to make you feel better about yourself. There is no God and even if there was: He wouldn’t fuck with you or the people like you.
Felt really shitty these past weeks because of the mess they always leave behind. Especially in the back room. But now I’ve moved into the computer room. Where no one else is going to stay but me. And I feel happier again. This is where I was at when I used to live here a year ago. Before I moved in with my mom. This was my room. I’m back in the same place I was at...but in a way I’m not at the same time. I know better now how to ignore Linwood. How to ignore Audrey and Micah. How to ignore all of them. I feel stronger, too. This is a better solution until I get a good job and my own plce. I no longer care what my mom and my younger siblings do. I told my great grandma not to even count me in with them any more because I’m not with them anymore. Love them to death. But let them do their own thing. They always do. I’m not cleaning up after them anymore or any of that ish. I’m done living with my mom. I’m done trying to get along with her. It’s just not going to work. Also, let her raise and worry about her own damn kids. She’s never here anyway. But no longer will they be my problem or my headache. I’m going in my room, shutting, and LOCKING the door. Thank God I feel so much more peace than what I felt last night when I was literally feeling suicidal because I felt like I can’t go on living like this. But I made a change. Change is good. Thank God.
Will I ever rest easy? I need to give myself permission to breath and just stop trying to push against a solid brick wall. It’s never going to go anywhere and the energy spent pushing is a waste. My God.
. Tomorrow I swear it to myself that I am really going to try to just be free.
Aoki Lee Simons is the mixed race/black young woman I needed to look up to when I was back in HS in 2009-2013
Zendaya, Yara, Amandla, etc. NONE of them existed four years ago.
They’re coming over
I really don’t want them to