Write a letter to yourself...

Dear Future Self,

are you alive? because right now I can't see that, can't feel that at all. can't imagine that, one year from now, i'll still be walking this earth under a pretense of stability. i'm actually surprised i've made it this far, because i was sure i'd be dead by now.

do you still have urges? do you still? i just want them to end. don't want to think about bathroom floors and acid slicked fingers, and yet it's all i want. have you overcome that or is it still a leaden weight on your mind, your automatic reaction to all the things you aren't?

but mostly importantly...you haven't given up, right? because you can't. you can't let forensics slip through your fingers, not when you're this close. it would be akin to treason upon yourself. you know there's nowhere else in the world for you but the forensics lab. and if it takes you seven attempts, so be it. so fucking be it.

remember: you're not a genius, but that's okay. you don't have to be. just toss your apples and play yellow car. it's worked so far.

i hope you still believe in sherlock holmes. i'd say try not to kill yourself but i know. and i understand. and i wouldn't blame you. i'd probably congratulate you.

love,
17 year old vanete.

Dear Mel of the Future,

I thought I would give you a quick rundown of everything that's happening in your life at the moment just in case you forget by next year or want to look back and have a giggle at yourself.

Right, so, at the moment you are house sitting for your Grandma until the end of July and Rhianna is living with you and you are loving the freedom of having your own place and not having to be around your mother and Jason all the time. The place is clean and quiet and living in your own space is just beautiful.

You are working at TBT and SC on the weekends at the moment which you still love despite the awkwardness with a certain someone at TBT because of the hook up you two had the ended a tad badly. (Just to remind you: He hooked up with you every weekend for almost three months and then randomly just stopped replying to your messages and when you saw him at work next he acted like nothing had happened. JERK!) Although, hopefully a year from now you are completely over the anger you have for him over his cowardice.

You had another job interview yesterday (the 3rd) for an Admin position at a catering company. I hope you got it, it would be an awesome gig.

What else? Oh yeah, as of now you have been on two dates with that gorgeous musician you like so much. Third date is planned for the weekend. Feeling a little bit nervous because you are thinking that it's time to have the talk with him about what direction the relationship is going. You are so commitment phobic because you're scared of getting hurt again so you just want to know what he is thinking. At this stage you aren't after a commitment from him, just where he's at.

So...

One year from now...

Mel, are you happy with life? You are content at the moment but wish you had a full time job instead of 3 casual ones because money is important. Which brings me to my next question.

Did you get your dream job? The one in Event Management, specifically administration. Or are you still looking? If so, where are you working now?

Since you are loving living out of home so much and by the time you read this, you'll be almost 22 and a half, where are you living right now and with whom? At this stage in 2012, Rhianna has told you that you could move into her place after the house sitting but you don't really want to because there's going to be 2 other housemates besides her and then yourself and it's a bit crowded for your liking.

Are you in a relationship or dating anyone? What happened with the musician? Hopefully you're still with him because right now he seems pretty perfect for you.

What else is new? Any tragedies, achievements, notable events happen like an engagement, wedding or birth?

Let me just say. It's always darkest before the dawn. When you feel like giving up because of your family life, or your love life or how hard it's been to get back into the workforce since studying. Don't ever give up. There's something good just around the corner for you. I know it's been hard battling with your BPD but you really are keeping it under control as best you can. Good work. How is everything with your mental health at the moment? I really hope you're okay.

I hope you still have your support system of friends around you like Rhianna, Tam, Alex, Amy, Will, Kirsten, Steph, Katelyn, Barry, Steve, Jamie, Ash, Haylea and Sarah.
Anyone there that you're not friends with anymore?

Okay, I think I have said all I can say. Have a great year Future Self. Looking forward to reading this back.

Lots of love,

Mel of May 2012

Dear future Spencer,

Are you still coping wrong? Do you still smoke pot and do pills and cut yourself? Have you become an alcoholic? Is Green Day and Breathe Carolina your favorite music?

Are you still in college? Pursuing Social Work? Are you still a virgin? Have you gotten yourself a boyfriend or girlfriend? Is Robert still dating that skank? Do you still blame yourself for not protecting Heather?

Just finish college.
Don't cope wrong.
find love.

-20 year old Spencer

emlyn:

Dear Emily,

well most importantly: are you happy? How's life in general? You're pretty good at the moment. You just came out to the whole school and most of your family. Has everyone accepted it? How are things with Rhiannon? Are you still with her? Did you meet her in real life yet? Do you have a new girlfriend or boyfriend?

Is Wenna still your best friend? Do you have any new friends? Lost any friends? Are you still going to move into a flat with her and Lisa when you turn 16? You'll be almost sixteen by now, only a few more months! Are you planning a party?

How did your GCSEs (that you've done so far) go? Did you get what you expected? What you wanted? Are you still feuding with Mr Williams?

Do you have any more "enemies"? How are things with Sophie/Megan/Tegan? Still fighting or have you all got over it? Is Natalie still pissing you off?

Still want to work touring? Have you taken up bass again? Playing any new instruments?

It's stupid to ask, because I know I'll love them forever but... Are My Chemical Romance still your favourite band? Are they as big a part of your life as usual? Have you seen them live any more times? Met them?!

Do you love Panic! at the Disco? Still believe in Ryden? Have you seen them live or met them? Is Ryan back in the band yet? I doubt Jon will ever come back, but... Is he? Have they argued or are they talking? Is Ryan still a massive cokehead? Do his tweets make sense now?

Have you been to any other concerts? Festivals? Found any new bands or singers?

Do you go on Tumblr and Mibba as much? I hope so, you made a lot of friends on them. Do you still talk to Sabrina, Emily, Chloe and Kara?

Have you regressed into cutting again? Any more suicide attempts? I really, really hope not. I hope you stayed strong.

I don't really know what else to ask. What's your favourite book right now? Is it still The Time Traveler's Wife? Favourite film? Meal? The album you can't stop playing right now? Do you still have a pretty weird obsession with unicorns? Got another addition to your cape 'collection'?

I hope you're having a good time, whatever you're doing. It's been pretty weird recently. Keep the faith!

Emily (aged 14) xo

dear past emily,

oh, whoa. it's been a year already?! uh, i'm happy i suppose. the past couple of weeks have been a bit difficult but it'll get better soon. yes, everyone's accepted it - sort of. it's not that big of a deal to most people. no, i'm not still with rhiannon. we broke up a month or so after you wrote that letter if i remember correctly. things were awkward for a while, but we're good friends now. i'm single right now, which is probably best because i need to sort through some shit. i've dated two people since you wrote that letter. flona and finn. flona was lovely. we were together for six months and it was probably a mistake ending things with her. i see that now, but... no regrets, remember? finn and i broke up a couple of weeks ago - messily, which is why things haven't been so easy recently.

yes, wenna is still my best friend! although recently it's been a bit strained between us. she has a new boyfriend, chris, and she's spending a lot of time with him. so much that it seems like she never really has time for any of her friends. i'm sure i have a few new friends, but i'm not sure who is new since you wrote that letter. i have an awful lot of new acquaintances at any rate - online and offline. i don't think i've lost any friends. not really. i'm not moving in with wenna and lisa anymore, in fact i'm not moving out at all yet. i decided to support mum and i will spend half my time here at home and half with her in the new house. she's under a lot of stress and i don't want to pile any more on, so this is the right thing to do - especially when dad's being a dick about it all. haha, no party! i don't have time to be planning parties right now - it may be almost my birthday but it is even closer to all my exams! my first is next tuesday. i doubt i'll throw a party anyway.

like i said, i'll be taking most of my exams over the next couple of months. i don't even really remember my results for the ones i took in january! all i know is that they were all either not very good or incredible, there was no in-between. an a* in one english and then a d in the other, for example. i'm not feuding with mr williams - i'm not feuding with anyone. there's really no point, it's a lot easier for everyone if you just get on and be civil with them all until you can get out!

no more enemies. like i just said, it's not worth it. sophie and megan are forgotten - we're not friends, but not enemies either. i'm fine with tegan - in fact i don't remember why you were fighting before at all. i sit with her in science and it's fine. natalie is also forgotten - i never even think about her.

nope! a lot has changed in that respect. i wouldn't mind touring, of course. in fact i'd still like to try it, at least for experience sake. i haven't taken up bass. i've thought about it, but still can't get over my shyness. i don't play any instruments now, i'm perfectly happy to listen to my favourite bands play!

aw, baby... no. my chemical romance aren't my favourite band. i'm sorry, i know you thought they would always be your life but things change. i still love them - how could i not? - but i never listen to them and i rarely think about them at all. i love them for the impact they have had on my life and on who i have become and i still love their message and their morals, but they're not such a big part of my life any more. maybe it's partly because they've been off the radar recently and once they have a new album out it could change but i wouldn't count on it too much. i don't think i've seen them live any more times since you wrote this, but i could be wrong. i still haven't met them.

i do love panic! at the disco. again not so much for the music any more - i still listen to pretty. odd occasionally (and more-so over the past few weeks) but afycso and v&v really aren't my style now. i believe that ryden once existed. i also believe that now it's over. i haven't seen them or met them - i missed them in concert a while back unfortunately, but isobel (have you met isobel yet? she's lovely, you met her on tumblr and then met in person in london around february time) rang up during the concert so you heard them through that! no. neither are back and i doubt they ever will be. it just doesn't seem like that could happen, i'm sorry. i don't know about all that - they speak now and then over twitter but i don't know apart from those brief conversations. probably! he seems a bit all over the place, starting projects and never really finishing them. haha, i don't think they ever will make sense! i don't think they need to either.

i'm not sure whether you had seen the blackout when you wrote that. i haven't been to any except from tbo, but i'm seeing blink 182 this summer! apart from that it's just been tiny little concerts of unsigned bands - good bands, though! i've found a lot of new bands! my favourite band now is belle & sebastian (you've heard one of their songs by now! piazza, new york catcher. i know you have because this was yours and rhiannon's song together). they are incredible and such an inspiration to you, especially in your art work. your other favourite bands now are the like, the libertines, arctic monkeys, tom waits and kaiser chiefs, and you're just beginning to get into the smiths and noel gallagher. quite a change from your old music taste! music is a massive part of your life now, although only listening to it.

mibba, not so much. i come on occasionally and lurk but i rarely post anything. it's still a nice place to be though. i go on tumblr more often but i'm drifting from that as well now. i don't talk to any of them so much now. i talk to sab every now and then but basically never talk to emily, chloe or kara. i made a lot of new friends on tumblr though! i've drifted from most of them now because i haven't been going on so much but ashton, flona, kt, rhiannon, zee, carlie, emily and for a short while sarah and isobel. they are all amazing people.

no to both. i've come fairly close but i'm not risking hurting my family. i don't really care whether i'm alive or not at this point, i'm utterly indifferent so i wouldn't bother trying anything anyway.

i suppose it's still the time traveller's wife - i always have difficulty answering that question. how i live now is also a good book. i like a lot of discworld books right now, and i'm re-reading animorphs and the chalet school. my favourite film... i can never decide. the rocky horror picture show is always great - as is iron man, old disney films, juno, x-men, lord of the rings... my favourite meal? burritos, i guess. i can't stop playing release me by the like right now - z's voice is stunning. not really! i love them of course, but i wouldn't call it an obsession. now, john barrowman and glee and animal suits - those are what i'd call obsessions. i don't collect capes any more! i collect animal suits, you know those onesies? they're perfect, i wear them all the time! right now i have a unicorn, a monkey and a cat one!

god, this is ridiculously long. but hopefully sometime far away in the future you can look back and read all these and remember - whether you'll want to remember, that's a different story! i'll write another letter to future-you later.
love always, emily.

watercooler romance.:

Dear Future Abi,

How are things? Did you make it through? Are you still a Mibbian? Is your sister still a bully? Does your mum still drink? Did you ever move out of that crappy house you hate so much? Are you and Peter still together? Are you still friends with Molly? Is Emilio still your best friend despite the school issues? Has your depression got any better? How about the cutting and eating disorder? Do you feel like life's worth living yet? Do you feel like you've achieved anything in the past year? Did you ever join a band? How did the end of year 10 GCSE's go? Has anything else significant happened? Do you still love your Mibba family?

Do you still like MCR? Are there any more bands you've become obsessed with recently? Have you been to another concert yet? Did you ever make up your mind about your sexuality? How have things been with Sofia? Did you ever tell her how you felt before she left for uni? How's the whole singing thing going? Have you decided what you want to do with your life yet? Was Assassin's Creed: Revelations as amazing as it looks? Is AC3 out yet? Is your self-esteem still fucked up? Are you still a slutty virgin? Have Coral and Sophia still been bothering you, or have they given up now?

How was Winter? Did you end up suicidal again? Was it worse than before, or is it starting to get better? Did you keep the faith? Did you start writing again? Have you got snakebites yet? Have you decided whether or not you're going to college yet? Does it feel weird reading this? Do you look back to now (this is confusing me ) and remember? Do you remember how you were? Do you have any regrets? Anything you're proud of?

I want to be able to hear your reply to this, so I'm going to try and keep on living for you, as weird as that sounds. I hope things have got better for you. I hope life's easier now.

Love,
Past Abi.

PS, sorry about asking so many questions.

It hasn't quite been a year yet, but meh.

Things are good. Yeah, obviously. Not really, but I think I'm okay with that. No, she throws the odd tantrum, but I actually like her a lot of the time now. Yeah, but it's not quite as bad as it used to be. YES. OH MY GOD IT'S AMAZING. :D Yes. We've had our fair share of troubles and fights, but we made it through. And besides, I really really love him. :) No, we're just casual acquaintances now really. No, he moved 30 miles away so we don't really see each other anymore. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, definitely. I'm doing really well, especially with the ED stuff. Yes, without a doubt. I feel like I've grown and matured more than I ever have before, so I guess that's kinda like an achievement. No. Brilliant, I got an A* in Science! Not really, mostly personal stuff and things. Of course. <3

Yeah, I'm not quite as obsessed as I used to be though. >.< Not obsessed, but I'm pretty into The Used, Fall Out Boy and Three Days Grace at the moment. Not yet. Yeah, I'm a lot more sure of myself than I used to be. I don't want to talk about it. Sorta. It's cool. Kinda. Haha, nope, I got bored of it after a couple of hours. No, not until October, I'm not sure if I'll get it though. Yes, very, but I'm working on it. Nope, just a slut now. No, they gave up fairly soon in Year 10.

In one word? Shit. Yes, I attempted once, almost attempted three times. I'm not sure, I guess it was a little better. Not entirely sure what this means, but out of the two things it could mean, yes to both. No, I'd like to though. Nope, but I hopefully will once I'm sixteen. I still have no idea. Not really. Yeah, kinda. I'm trying to live life without regrets at the moment, and I think that more than anything I'm proud of just making it through.

Thanks. I'm really glad you did keep on living, because it gets so much better. It's still hard, but there's a lot more happiness to counteract the sadness now. And I enjoyed answering them, so it's fine.

disasterologist.:

Hi there Shannon,
So.. june of 2012, i'm expecting a reply, although judging by my habits i'll probably have moved onto another website by them. still. how's high school? did you make wind ensemble? did you fail algebra? are you still writing? did you ever get to meet anto or josie, or did you move on to new internet friends, or *le gasp* real people? have you kept in contact with jack and celeste and cali? are you still the virgin of virgins? have you had any boyfriends or girlfriends? what sort of music do you listen to? what fantastic shows have you been to? how's helen? do you think i'm the dweebiest of dumb young things? have you given up on maintaining a decent level of physical fitness?

stay strong and be beautiful.
jet'aime, shannon.

two months late. oh well.

i'm still on mibba. yeah. high school is high school. i did not make wind ensemble, in fact i quit band and i am in creative writing for now. time will tell what else. i failed algebra two, retook algebra one, and i'm hoping for a good do-over. i am still writing forsure. i plan to meet anto, but josie and i never really talk. emmen happened and careena happened. i haven't kept in contact with any of them except jack a bit. i made out with tristan a lot but my v-card is still intact. no relationships but some kissing and some sexting. i like stupid indie and korean shit. i held nate ruess's hand and i got some beautiful bruises at some other shows. i finally saw pierce the veil! helen is gayer and geekier. you kinda were a loser. i am not at all fit, but i do bike to school.
bye, darling.

dear shannon of next august,
please tell me you've kissed someone since this happened, and tell me you've gotten over this writer's block. how was sophomore year, and how does this junior one look? how was amigos? are you skinnier? taller? wiser? do you have new friends? are you good at japanese? have you reconciled things with celeste? hopefully you're coming back to mibba still, even if it's all been reconquested. hopefully you met kae in new york, and hopefully you kissed emmen. did you flunk chemistry? what on earth music do you like? am i a loser? any road trips, any driver's license? are you sad? did you finish supernatural? are you prettier yet? how many cameras do you own? are you sad?
i hope i like you.
love,
shannon.

Hiya Mahuwena!
This is future-wait no this is past you.
I've got a some questions for you!
Do you still have an account on Mibba? No scratch that, are you still active on Mibba?
Do you still like and watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic?
Are you still single?
Do you have a job?
Have you cut your hair yet? Straightened it? Dyed it? Dreaded it?
Anyways that's it. You better respond to me in a year or I'll beat you! And I totally can because I am you. So...I is gonna beat myself..Yourself..Okay I'm-You're done.

2011
Dear past self,
Dear god it is sweet to have no incompletes or weddings hanging over my head. Thank you for that reminder. I am doing okay. Mainly stress is coming from...grad school! Yes! I/we got in! GREs were taken! Letters of recommendations were asked for! Thank you notes sent! Degrees completed! Well, just one. But still, I am super proud of you/future you but past me/all of us.

Uh yeah though, grad school is stressful. The commute is really really tough, more 'cause of eating/peeing than anything. Today's the third time I've eaten lunch there and each time there are more people in the little cafe lounge place and I almost cried because I could hardly eat. Well I didn't because I can't cry as you well know ahAhAhAha. But I did pee twice in a public restroom so that was a win. Once was in a handicap bathroom, though. There was no one around but yeah...I'm not proud of that. Anyway aside from that it's a lot of work and probably partially I'm not back in the groove of things because, you know, I haven't been a full time student since spring 2011 and as you know I was kind of having a wee bit of a breakdown at the time. But yeah I'm not sure I'd be able to handle four classes next semester so that would mean doing the program in two years which is obviously fine but SIGH.

I HAVE WATCHED SO MUCH AWESOME TV YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. Have read embarrassingly little, though, and have not finished writing a god damn thing. Not one thing! Started a few new things, of course. But idk very few fucks given 'cause shit makes me happy. Actually so close to done on JTS; not sure why I don't just finish it out. Well but I'd want to finish the sequel first and LAZINESS. No substantial BN news, pretty much feeling like there never will be but it's cool because I really don't see getting sick of their old stuff anytime soon. But they didn't break up so you never know.

Speaking of stuff I never thought would happen: New Mibba is here! Yeah I know I can't believe it either. It's so weird but there's all this awesome new stuff. Oh and I'm a board mod somehow. Definitely the least intimidating/respectable/competent staff member of all time OF ALL TIME. Other changes: ESL tutoring/student is awesome as all fuck and Sister and Brother-in-Law (he's your brother-in-law now!) got you a Kindle for Christmas which was embarrassingly over the limit but so much better than you'd think it would be, it's amazing and just today your birthday present from Brother which was a sleeve for said Kindle arrived and it's really cute so yeah.

re: skin: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA no. Skin continues to be a treacherous motherfucker. Nothing like a major organ consistently betraying you. But it's colder now so that helps what with sleeves and all that so yeeeeah. I do remember Mom's face being orange and intend to go reminder her of that if she's still up. Thanks for the consolation about the election. A lot of people seem to think it's leaning towards Obama but I feel like it's gonna be Romney. You know me~.

I love you. I really do. Last night I read a bunch of old posts in the confessions threads and well I'm a big dumb annoying whiney lazy bitch but I'm also my best friend and it's awesome. I don't really see why anyone else should love you/us but I really really do. Hang in there 'cause there's some good stuff coming up this year, promise.

Okay I love you goodbye.
Future self.

Dear future future self,
I AM SO CONCERNED FOR YOU I CAN'T EVEN. I feel like the year between us was / is going to be / tenses are confusing tough as fuck. Just tough, man. Our adviser is kind of terrifying but I hope he can help as much as he said he could and I hope you got/have a bitchin' internship; I hope that a lot. I hope a lot of things a lot ohh man.

Seeing as the past year (my past year) was overall on the positive side, it's okay if your past year was overall on the negative. It's okay. Don't forget about the secret escape plan to Korea. They are much more likely to hire people with blue eyes apparently. White privilege gets you shit yet again; it's totally wrong but damn if it doesn't come in handy.

Oh hey just saying today was the day I finally caught up on IASiP, and like, my god who knew the seventh season of a show could be so good. So I hope they keep that up. Oh god and I didn't say it in the letter to past self because even though I know it's not actually magical time travel, I didn't even want to hypothetically hurt her soul with the news that Amy Poehler and Will Arnett split. Oh god sorry for depressing you. Please please please tell me Rob McElhenney and Kaitlin Olson are still together. I dunno if I could take it if they divorced.

Also really really hope you're going to tell me ("tell me") that Brother moved out. I mean just god it's hard to deal with. Yes it eases guilt but christ. And I mean really just oh my god I can't. So yes that is what I hope for you okay.

Not going to ask about reading/writing 'cause I don't want to guilt you. It's cool whatever you've done. WAIT IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME THAT YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN THE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT STUFF AM I RIGHT. So much jealousy just for that even though you're probably stressed as fuck right now. Oh, future me, you're probably so stressed and upset. I wish I could hug you. I really wish I could get future future self to hug you and me too 'cause she knows how it's going to turn out. (Bitch.) Listen, it's going to be okay and I love you so much. We are best friends fo eva and eva~~. And you're going to get through all the terrifying adult stuff; I know you are. So just tell me (again I'm not deluded I know you can't really tell me but "tell me") about the past year because I bet there's some good stuff in there.

Wow I hope other people don't read this 'cause I just looked back at all the caps lock and wow soooooper annoying of me. Which really I am so I guess it's cool ehehehehehe.

I love you. Hang in there.
Past self.

Dear Elizabeth,

You should have killed yourself in 2007.

from past Elizabeth.

@ Kestral101

Kestral101:

Dear future Simone,

University huh? That's some prettty scary stuff. By now you would have completed your fisrt year. First year living alone, first year in uni, first year for...a lot things. Was it terrible?

What course did you pick in the end? Did u manage to make friends? A boyfriend? (or am I being overly optomistic again?)

Was the work hard? (please tell me u passed buecause if not...)

I sincerely hope you made friends, had an awesome year and know where u want to go in life. Then again, a year isn't that long.

Was Inter-varsity as fun as we imagined it to be? Have you lost the weight you promised to? Did you get into photography, join any cool clubs, been out socialising?

i can't even begin to think what it is going to be like, but here's one or two things I hope u remeber:

1) Please, for the sake of our happiness, socialise. stop being afraid and make friends, otherwise it is going to be a very lonely year.
2) Don't you dare slip back from where you are now. Find a good church, get involved, never forget about your faith.
3) work hard. enough said.

Finally, take that step. I know u may be afriad, intimidated and shy. But it will be all worth it. tell me it was worth it.

Love,
Me (the past you)

P.S, Stay strong, seize the oppotunity, don't forget about ur friends and pls tell me u carried on with horse riding. Oh and get ur drivers liscence!

Hi past Simone,

I know I'm a few days early. But atleast I remembered.

University...lets just say I had no idea whatsoever of what that would mean. It wasn't terrible, infact it was spectacular. It was indeed a year of firsts; I got a roommate (horror of horrors)- but no, the roommate contract wasn't implemented, took a taxi (even ended up at the taxi rank), went to a book signing, went to a concert (a proper one.) And did so much more.

I ended up studying a BA, with my courses being Economics, Business Law, Linguistics, International Relations and -surprise- Mandarin. Don't even ask my how I ended up with Mandarin- it was an...interesting experienceing, to say the least.

Ofcaorse I made friends, I can't believe you ever doubted me :P On a serious note though, I've made good friends surprisingly, mainly because of staying in res. A boyfriend?! overly optimisctic is an understatement.

I did pass, quite well infact, made it onto the Dean's merit List, got a bit lazy during exams though, so could have done better. the work wasnt extremely hard, just different.

A year may not be a long time, but long enough to change. Despight being wracked with many moments of doubt and insecurity, I am ultimately glad that I moved out and went to uni so far away.

Inter-varisty didnt happen- I know, I know. It was something you were looking so forward to. I just didnt fit in, you know? i dont think I will ever join. No I didnt lose that weight- I detest myself even more. I didnt join any cool societies (somethings just dont change)...although i did try out fencing for a bit. But never fear I ddi socialise, instead of holing myself up somewhere with a book. (yay me!)

i did work hard, but was quite lazy at time. Im ashamed to say I slipt back a bit- I couldnt find a church i felt home at- but I promise I will keep trying. i will keep my faith strong.

I took that stp- and it was worht it-completely and utterly.

Love, Future me

PS. I got my drivers!!!!! But i didnt continue with horse riding. Most days it was ok, and others it was like i was missing a part of my soul.

losing control.:

Writing a new letter

Hey Lizz,

Ah, how are you? It's been a while, I guess. You don't really talk to yourself much.

By this time next year, I'm hoping you will be graduated and moving onto something bigger than high school. Did you end up starting on your Bachelor of Arts, or did mom convince you to stay at home with the kiddo? Did you get into the psychology program or did you convince yourself you aren't good enough for that?

Did you go to graduation? Did you meet Jo, Rob, David, Noah, Abi, and Aaron? I sute hope so. I really want to go, so I hope you managed to.

How was Europe? Was it as amazing as you thought it was going to be? Did you hang out with Janelle and Steve and have an awesome time?

Still working at the studio or did you get a different job? I hope if you got a diferent job it pays better and you like it more, because I'm not a big fan of working at the studio. Especially with my sister there.

How's it feel to be 18? Did you do anything awesome to celebrate it? You probably just stayed at home waiting to see if anyone wished you a happy birthday, didn't you? Of course.

Did you get your driver's licence? You should have gotten that in July. You need to be able to drive around by yourself, this is getting ridiculous.

Did you end up losing all that weight? I just wanted to lose 10, I hope you did that.

I hope I see you in the future, dear. The world is supposed to end a year and a day after I write this, so I guess we'll see, yeah?

Love,
past you.

Hey past me,

I'm better than I was, but you do talk to yourself way too often, it's getting out of hand.

I'm in college now, still at home but saving up to move away soon. I didn't start the BofA, I think I'm going to go into nursing now. Maybe become a psych nurse. But I have to upgrade more so we'll see.

I did, and met all of those amazing people. It was just as awesome as you hoped, maybe more so.

Europe was incredible. I hung out with so many amazing people and did so many awesome things. We climbed up the Eiffel Tower in the fricking freezing cold and then lost some people. it was so much fun.

I have three jobs now, but don't worry, Aisia moved so she isn't working there and you barely have time for that place anymore anyways.

I did exactly that, guess I haven't changed a whole lot, hey? went to the casino with mom and blew 20 bucks, and that was about it.

I got it in September, and drive everyone around now. Failed it three times though, that was lame.

I didn't lose much, at least 10 but still not as much as we wanted to. But what can you do. Not a whole lot, aha.

The world is supposed to end in about 9 hours so we'll see what happens. it's been nice talking to you.

-present me.

Heartswell.:

dear future Fatma,
please try to be happy, try to not forget everything you learned and love now, please don't forget who you are and try, please try, so hard not to cave in and be like them. i know you probably don't like yourself much, most of the time, but you know who you are and you know what you can do.
so be brave and i hope you're doing whatever the fuck you want.
please work for the money for that MA. please keep your eyes on the prize and you'll be able to go abroad and keep doing what you love: learning.

do you become less lonely?
does your English fade and your accent thicken?
are you reading?
have you finished a whole novel?
are you still a dork? a fangirl? a geek? a nerd? a socially inept loser?
are you better?

-from the 21-year-old jaded you.

i'm still trying. trying and trying and trying. it's not getting any better. i hate every moment of it.
i'm working for it. fuck knows i am.

no. i don't.
it's starting to. and it's scary. i'm trying not to let ot get to me and i'm trying to fight it.
yes. i am :3
no. but you're working on it. it's going to be amazing.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.

no.

-22 year old you who thinks you need a hug and hopes that 23 year old fatma fares better than both of us

Dear 22-year-old Me,

Have you figured out yet what we're going to do after we get our Bachelor's? (Because that's should be our greatest concern right now. . .but I'm kind of just blowing it off for a little while.) Have you gotten over him yet? (At the time of this letter, I had just started dating him about two years ago. . .and I'm hoping he'll get a hold of me tomorrow when I'm stuck in Prague.) I'm just waiting for it be midnight here so the course schedule for next semester will go online and I can sign up for my classes. I'm leaving Norway tomorrow afternoon. It's been fun here, I guess.

Have you gotten anything published yet? Right now I am working on a short story compilation for smashwords and some short stories for contests and some fledgling webzines. Have you finished Kings Shall be Kings yet? Or are we still working on it? I knew the fantasy series would be an arduous task. But I'm wondering if I'll give up on writing two separate novels for Samara and Arcana and just re-combine them again.

Well, I hope we don't spend the majority of our next year dicking around on the internet, like I've been doing for the last 6 months.

And I hope you get some sense and figure out a way to forget him. I don't know if I should be empathetic to myself or be hard on you. But I will give it to you--it is really hard to get over an ex-boyfriend if he happens to be in your favorite band.

Love,
Nikki (Arcana) from 2013

This is such a epic idea so here goes:
Dear Roni,
Congrats youre 15 almost 16. I never thought id get there. Do you feel old as I always thought it would feel?
I'm really confused right now. Did you figure it out? Am I less confused?
Have I changed? Am I the same person?
How about school? Are you in the new school? Is it tough? Are you still in tough with old friends? Are you truly happy? Hows the Bagruit? If you're not getting straight As in the best school in the city I swear I'll toss my iPod out the window since its obviously the cause for the lack of studying. Omg you still have your iPod right?
Are you training for the marathon? You better be!!!! How's the working out in general? You haven't given up right? You can do it!! How's the six pack and biceps? Still sour like now? I hope so!
What's going on with you and ******? Do you still love each other? Have you finally gotten the guts to say the truth you coward?
Do my wrists look the same? I'm really scared to read that answer. But at least you've made it to 15 and a half. Only 2 and a half years till freedom right? Smile. Stop being so depressed and hard on yourself. You are awesome and beautiful!
Speaking of looks did you due your hair purple and get that earring like I want? What are you wearing? Knowing me I'm still in jeans, a sweatshirt and my high combat boot right? You're still against make up right?
How's the photography going? Did you get your amazing new camera? Is it everything you dreamed of? Did you finish the commercial and get filming with the short film?
Im willing to bet music is still a big part of your life but what are you listening to? Last year I was obssessed with panic! Now I love them still but I'm less obssesed. Is it the same with All Time Low? How's somewhere in neverlands music video? Is jack Wendy and Alex peter pan? Please yes!! And did you get to meet them somehow? Do you still love blink and jimmy eat world?
Did you get ride of the braces and asthma? Did you finally get a growth spurt? Is everything ok what with liat being in the army and everything? Is unwind and harry potter still your fav books? How's unsouled or untitled or whatever it's name is? Is it as good as its predecessors? Do you still over think everything? Have you finally found a place you belong? Do you still want to be a psychologist or something to do with films? Do you still curse endlessly in your mind? You've found a way to continue acting? Right? Are you and Dafna still friends? Did you get angry and punch Karen? I know it'll happen one day and I'm dreading and waiting for it at the same time. How did everyone react when they saw you're leaving(if you're leaving of course)? Are you satisfied with your life? Will you even go to mibba and read this? Do you still write? Did you finish your first fanfic? Have you found true love (not likely but still)?
Sorry for the long rant. Ive always been talkative. Are you? ;) have a awesome life. Roni 8.2.13 I think.

Dear Future Lynai,

How was the journey of beauty school? Did you get your cosmetology license? If so, what salon are you working at? Did you do something really insane this year? How many more friends did you make? Did mom actually move to Kentucky? If so, how is she doing? What are you up to now, and what new hobbies have you adapted? Did things work out between you and Ethan? If not, do you have someone else in your life at the moment? Can you say this year was pretty good?

-Lynai of 2013

Dear Kathleen,

I hope you're happy, like deep down to the core happy. How's college? You'll be nineteen by the time you read this (do you still get panic attacks when your birthday is almost here?) and that's crazy to think about. How are your friends? What are your college friends like? I hope you still talk to your old friends. I know it isn't always easy, but you've been through a lot with them. Good and bad. But you know, it's sad to say that alone I can barely light a match but together you can burn this place down. I hope you didn't forget that. Did you ever tell them? Maybe you won't remember what I'm referring to, and that would probably be best. Because that means either you got help for it or you finally moved past it. If you do remember it then it means it's still there. And I really hope it isn't.

How are mom and dad? And Mike? I hope that since you got out of the house things are better with them. Are Belle and Holly still there? I really hope so, I can't imagine my life without my babies. Do you have a boyfriend? I hope you do, or had one after I wrote this, because that means you finally moved on. I really don't know what else to say. Ultimately, I just hope you're happy. I hope you don't cry anymore.

<3 Kathleen (Feb. 8, 2013)

And yet another year!!

Letterbombx723:

Here's my fourth letter to myself:

Hello there, little missy! This is the fourth letter you've written to yourself on March 18. I really hope you keep this up because it's so awesome to go back and see how much you've grown over a year's time. Brings a tear to my eye... *sniffle sniffle*

Let's get down to business, shall we?

You're NINETEEN, almost twenty! As I sit here as an 18-year-old, I can barely fathom this. Are you sad to see your teen years come to an end?: It's kind of depressing, but at the same time, it's going to be interesting to see what 20 brings. :)
Did you end up getting a car for your 19th birthday?: No, dang it. 19th birthday was super boring.
It's not like you talk to her now, but did Lee ever come around?: She tries to talk to me, but I swear, I just don't have the time.
Are you and Ryan still close?: Pretty close, yeah.
Can you say with 100% conviction that you're over Tommy?: In all reality, I don't think you ever completely get over your first love. But I can think about it without crying, and I realize why things happened the way they did.
Are you still happy the relationship happened?: Yes. The distance was just too much. Never again.
Has he tried to contact you anymore?: He's tried to talk to me a few times, but the conversation never went anywhere.
Have you been out on any dates over the past year?: Yes. There was Jeremy Saunders and Tyson and Logan and Ron...SHEW.
Did you get a boyfriend?: Yes, I did. And I love him. Mr. Ron K Finley.
Still obsessed with iced coffee?: BITCH I AM A BARISTA NOW.
Have you had a Starbucks Iced Caramel Macchiato in the past year?!: Yes. Two. And the Hot Cup beats them by far. ;)
Ever get to see Marshall?: Yes! Ron drove me there not long ago. I'm hooked.
Do you still want to go there?: YES.
Do you still want to major in English and minor in Spanish?: Major in English, yes. Not so sure about the Spanish...though the language does still fascinate me.
¿Entiendes esta pregunta?: Sí, la entiendo.
Are you still friends with Greg? You saw "21 Jump Street" with him yesterday, you know...: WOW THAT WAS A YEAR AGO? DANG. I never, ever talk to him anymore. He got a girlfriend, so... he forgot I exist.
How are your grades in college?: I have one B in physics, and I am determined to bring it up to an A before finals!
Did you ever get to take daytime classes?: Yes! I work through the day, too.
Did anything, and I mean ANYTHING at all, happen that was catastrophic on December 21/23, 2012? Your mom's pretty set that something's gonna happen...: NOT A DAMN THING HAPPENED. Seriously. NOTHING happened at all whatsoever.
Did you ever get a job over the summer like you wanted to?: Yes, I did! I am a barista at the Hot Cup.
Is your favorite band still Reik?: I still love them, but I'm all about Sara Bareilles now.
Have you had any car accidents yet?: Nope, nada!
For the fourth year running, are you still Letterbombx723 on Mibba? YOU BEST BE: Yep! Even though I never go on here anymore.
For the fourth year running, is David Archuleta still your only hope for teenage boys?: Yes, even though he's on a mission some place...
Are you still excited about living on your own at Marshall?: I kind of don't want to leave now...I hate to say this, but Ron is here and I just don't want to leave him. If he were closer to Huntington, I'd be excited. I've become THAT girl...

Alright, that's enough for now, kiddo. I know that I can trust that you haven't done anything too stupid. You're in college, making good grades, and I know I can trust you to keep it that way. Just remember to never succumb to peer pressure. You're wiser than that.

Good luck!

Love,
You A Whole Year Ago

And the fifth letter to myself....

So, we meet again for the fifth year in a row. I'm so proud that you've kept this up! Hopefully, you will continue to do so for a LONG time. It's so great to see how much you've grown over a year's time. I'm very proud of you thus far. :)

Onto the questions!

Wow...I just realized you're going to be almost 21 when you're reading this. You'll be old enough to drink legally! But I know you won't. ;) Are you excited?:
As I'm sitting here, typing this, I am on the phone with my boyfriend, Ron. We've been dating since November 30 of 2012. Are you still with him?:
If so, how are things with him?:
Just so you know, he's a VERY important part of your life right now.:
Has Tommy tried to contact you?:
Do you ever talk to Jeremy Saunders?:
How are things at the Hot Cup?!:
Do you still work there?:
Are you still really unsure about your future?:
Does English still interest you the most?:
"Let us go then, you and I...":
How are your grades in college?:
Is your favorite singer still Sara Bareilles?:
Is your favorite drink still English Toffee?:
¿Entiendes esta pregunta?:
For the fifth year running, is David Archuleta still your only hope for teenage guys?:
Is your boss still, in all reality, one of your best friends?:
How'd that physics class ever turn out? Shew, you're having a time right now...:
Does T. S. Eliot still rock your literary socks?:
It's spring break at Southern right now! Is it the same this year? XD:
Does Ashley still post pictures of herself in the same freaking pose?:
Do you still have over $8,000 in the bank?:
Are you happy you decided to date someone ten years older than yourself?:

Alright, that's enough for this year. Remember to be who you are, always, because you're shaping up to be a great young woman. Don't get drunk on your 21st birthday. Shoot, who am I kidding? You can't even get past the smell of alcohol to try it. ;)

Love,
You A Whole Year Ago

Dear 22 year-old Robyn.

I wonder if you'll survive outside of structured education where life is school and nothing more.
I wonder I you got a job and stayed in Norwich.
Hopefully you didn't do too terribly with the degree and survived the summer and got some shitty temp job.
I won't blame you if you decide that the real world is too much or if you just end up in that shitty temp job for longer than you expected as long as you keep your imagination.
Maybe you're dead.
Read more books.
Hopefully you're doing better than I am. Hopefully see a point in life. Hopefully you're happy.

Love,
Past self.

Dear Mel of the Past,

Wow, a year really goes by quickly doesn’t it? Reading back what I wrote exactly one year ago today, I can actually picture myself sitting there and typing that letter to myself out like it was yesterday.
I said in my previous letter that I would recap my life so I could have a giggle about things and I definitely did! That whole paragraph about Craig and being upset with him was hilarious. I think I got over my little bit of anger a week after I wrote the letter.
Now I will recap what has been happening since last May in a moment but first, I want to answer the questions I had asked...
Am I happy with life? Hmm, it’s a tough one. I have my moments but right now I’m stressing about where I’m going to live after my lease ends in August and sometimes I feel like I work too much and don’t get a chance to have a proper social life because I’m always tired and of course I wish my relationship was a little more stable.
Did I get my dream job? Well, one month after I wrote my last letter I actually got a full time event administration job in the city which I was so happy about because I thought it would be a dream job and a great stepping stone into the industry. Actually it was a cruel place run by the biggest evil bitch I had ever met and the other staff weren’t any better. The boss was such a bully I spent so many nights coming home from work in tears and the next morning having anxiety.
I left that job and in November I was offered a full time administration job also in the city. It’s not in the event industry but it’s still a really good job where I am self managed and am learning so much. The staff are great and as of right now, I’m happy there and have been there almost 6 months.
Living arrangements? Yes, I definitely loved house sitting at my Grandma’s house until August 2012 and having the freedom to run my own household and not have to fight with my mum and have her threaten me every day. Once I was done at Grandmas, I moved in with my uncle for a while who lived on the other side of the city. He was good to live with, he cooked for me, we get along great etc but I was eager to move into my own place again.
A friend from uni and I agreed to move into an apartment together and after a couple inspections we were offered the apartment we liked best straight away and moved in. That was going really well until a couple of months ago when we had a fight stemming from her being a cheating wench and me being jealous and protective of my boyfriend. Now we don’t speak so will not be renewing the lease, which is why I’m stressing about where I’m going to live.
Just like my last letter, Rhianna said I could move in with her, but only if I moved away from the city and back to the small town she lives in now. It’s too far from my work and from my man so I wouldn’t be able to do it. So far it’s looking like my only option now though 
“Are you in a relationship or dating anyone? What happened with the musician? Hopefully you're still with him because right now he seems pretty perfect for you.” I quoted this one word for word because it made me laugh so much. In my letter last year I had written that we had been on two dates and had the third planned for the weekend…Okay, so Mel of the Future, it will have been 2 years since that date when you read this again so let me refresh your memory: Rhianna spent hours waiting for you to finish your shift at the football so she could give you your bag as you were going to be spending the night for the first time with this guy. He got angry at you and YELLED at you for being later than you said you were going to be. Alarm bells went off but you were too infatuated with him to listen.
Long story short, one year from the letter, yes Mel, you are still dating that musician. ‘One year of misery’ as you often say. One year on, well actually 13 months on from your first date with him and you’re still no closer to knowing what your ‘official’ relationship status with him is.
You’re in love with him and don’t think you’ll ever want to be with anyone else and have based most of your life decisions on what you think he would prefer you to do.
He has shown on numerous occasions that he has a bad temper and often takes it out on you. When you asked him to define the relationship, you and he actually broke up for a week before you had to go back to him and say you would be fine with having an undefined relationship. Remember when you said you would never let yourself be so pathetic over a man? The fact that he’s so much older than you doesn’t give him the right to rule over you!
What else is new? My aunty and uncle are going to get divorced, Ozzie and Tiger both passed away, so did Great-Grandad. JADE IS PREGNANT!!! So is Bianca, Lauren E and Timyka. Tam and Alex are getting married at the end of the month and she is also pregnant with their baby.
Ben is still crazy in love with you which is funny.
My good friends at the moment are Ranna, Jade, Ben, Corey, Tam, Alex and the people at TBT. You still have a lot of acquaintance friends but wouldn’t call them “good friends”
Now – to recap the year:
Moved to Melbourne, got a job I love, fell in love and am having the longest relationship I’ve ever been in, made new friends, lost friends, saw a psychologist, had an official driving lesson finally, got my belly button pierced, have 9 earrings, went to hospital because of severe food poisoning, friends getting married, friends having babies, me still wanting to get married and have babies with my gorgeous man, still work on TBT on Saturday nights and loving it, suffered anxiety attacks, depression, fought with mum, almost got a new pet rat, about to apply for a passport, lost one of my casual jobs at the footy because I didn’t turn up for a shift, started getting gel nails. And yeah...It’s been an interesting year.

So, Mel one year on...
1. Where do you live?
2. Are you still in a relationship with your jerky boyfriend that you adore?
3. Is Rhianna still your best friend?
4. Jade and Tam’s babies?
5. Where do you work?
6. How is life?
See you in May 2014 where you will be 23.5 years old! Geez, how time flies!
xoxox