Dear Roni,
Congrats you're 15 almost 16. I never thought I’d get there. Do you feel old as I always thought it would feel?
I'm really confused right now. Did you figure it out? Am I less confused?
Have I changed? Am I the same person?
How about school? Are you in the new school? Is it tough? Are you still in touch with old friends? Are you truly happy? How are the Bagruit? If you're not getting straight As in the best school in the city I swear I'll toss my iPod out the window since its obviously the cause for the lack of studying. Omg you still have your iPod right?
Are you training for the marathon? You better be!!!! How's the working out in general? You haven't given up right? You can do it!! How's the six pack and biceps? Still sore like now? I hope so!
What's going on with you and ******? Do you still love each other? Have you finally gotten the guts to say the truth you coward?
Do my wrists look the same? I'm really scared to read that answer. But at least you've made it to 15 and a half. Only 2 and a half years till freedom right? Smile. Stop being so depressed and hard on yourself. You are awesome and beautiful!
Speaking of looks did you dye your hair purple and get that earring like I want? What are you wearing? Knowing me I'm still in jeans, a sweatshirt and my high combat boot right? You're still against make up right?
How's the photography going? Did you get your amazing new camera? Is it everything you dreamed of? Did you finish the commercial and get filming with the short film?
Im willing to bet music is still a big part of your life but what are you listening to? Last year I was obsessed with panic! Now I love them still but I'm less obsessed. Is it the same with All Time Low? How's somewhere in neverlands music video? Is jack Wendy and Alex peter pan? Please yes!! And did you get to meet them somehow? Do you still love blink and jimmy eat world?
Did you get rid of the braces and asthma? Did you finally get a growth spurt? Is everything ok what with liat being in the army and everything? Is unwind and harry potter still your fav books? How's unsouled or untitled or whatever it's name is? Is it as good as its predecessors? Do you still over think everything? Have you finally found a place you belong? Do you still want to be a psychologist or something to do with films? Do you still curse endlessly in your mind? You've found a way to continue acting? Right? Are you and Dafna still friends? Did you get angry and punch Karen? I know it'll happen one day and I'm dreading and waiting for it at the same time. How did everyone react when they saw you're leaving(if you're leaving of course)? Are you satisfied with your life? Will you even go to mibba and read this? Do you still write? Did you finish your first fanfic? Have you found true love (not likely but still)?
Sorry for the long rant. Ive always been talkative. Are you? ;) have an awesome life.
Roni 8.2.13 I think.
Dear Roni,
I feel awkward answering this, I guess that’s the truth. I feel like you're a stranger, like you're this person who knows all about me but doesn't know me. I feel like you're this stalker who's been spying on me and is here to taunt me. These feelings don't make sense. I know they don't, but when have my feelings ever made sense? I want to hate you and make fun of you and be cruel and say the things that will hurt you. Who knows, maybe in some alternative universe you will be able to read this. I doubt it but I guess I don't care. I wonder if you could read my answers would you act differently?
Ok I'll get over it and answer the questions. I'm just feeling unbelievably angsty today. I never thought I'd be 15 either. It feels ridiculous. Have we really lived 15 and half years? I can't even imagine living 20 years. I don't feel old. I do feel more relaxed though. My mind feels clearer, like I see better. I feel like I can read the world better.
This literally broke my heart. I want to tell you everything will be ok, that the confusion will go away. But thats a lie, and a really suckish one at that. I'm as confused as always. I want to scream at the world. I want to break apart. But I won't. Maybe if you knew how to deal with anger, I wouldn't be who I am right now.
Oh god you changed, but you're still the same girl with the mind of the 40 year old and the attitude of a 6 year old aren't you? Remember when Aba said it and meant it as a insult? It still remains one of the best compliments I've ever gotten, after the anon who said I remind him of Alex Gaskarth. Anyway (as usual I get off topic), you did some pretty awesome things this year, and I say awesome because some of them aren't good. You directed a opera which taught you how to be a leader, how to create. You are learning some pretty intense things in school (I'll talk about that later) and its taught you how to argue, how to see the world. You've learned your worth and you're not afraid anymore. You don't need people anymore.
Ok school. I'm not sure if you know this or not right now but you got into the two schools you wanted. You did it. You picked one, after Liat told you "In B its obvious you'll succeed. You already have friends there, and the studies won't be too hard. Y on the other hand is a risk. It could blow over or it could be the best thing for you." You picked Y. You chose art over science and I really hope future us won't regret it. Then again, I don't believe in regret so it doesn't exist in my world. Anyway I think Y was the right choice. Its hard, I'm not going to lie. On the first day of sketching class the teacher was so nasty and cruel you felt like you were nothing, like every praise you ever received for you art didn't exist. It taught us that my art is what I see it, criticism doesn't matter. Yet you worked hard in sketch class and 2 days ago he told you how good it was and what a amazing jump you've made. The thing was, even after loads of classmates complimented you, you didn't feel proud. I guess I've made us so deaf to negativity, I can't hear positivity anymore. You're keeping in touch with Y and I. It's funny, you're better friends with Y now than you ever were. I haven't had a Bagruit yet, Roni next year will answer that. I'm not happy. I doubt I'll ever be. But I'm satisfied. You can't ask for more. Not straight As, not yet. You're getting Bs. It sucks but I will be better. This is just another challenge for me to win. My average this semester was 87. Next one it will be higher. I am sure. I will not accept anything else.
Yes, I still have my ipod. Its cracked from tripping while running and from the caravan throwing it in the summer but it works so thats cool. I lost my entire library which means I have to get everything again ugh. Always. My lower body hurts from yesterdays workout. I ran 17km a few weeks ago (I was sick and it was project week and ugh I'm running again today) and you once ran 1:40 mins. You're training for the 10km this year because you're too young to run the half marathon. Next year though ;)
Who's ******? I'm trying to remember bad crushes from last year so here goes: O is a jerk. You got really close in the show but he's a ass, Y (very unlikely but idk) left the school for drug use and it drove you insane you couldn't help him, E (he fits with the stars but he was never really a crush) is good, cynical as ever. If he doesn't end up in a ditch, I'm sure he'll do amazing things. I really really really hope you're not talking about M. It's fun being shallow, talking about boyfriends and imagining who you'll be with when you know it'll never happen but M is off limits. He means more than that and I hope you know that. He's your closest friend and like 3 months after you wrote this you discovered he's gay. I don't want a bf. I think I'm asexual, no labels though. I mean sure some boys are cute but I don't want to get close with anyone. Love sucks. I don't need to try it to know.
Erm this is going to suck, writing this. My wrists are great but my thighs aren't. To put it nicely, around three or four months after you wrote this you had a pretty dark time and now you can't wear shorts. I'd like to say it was a mistake that'll never repeat itself but thats a lie. I still want to cut and starve and die. But I won't. I've learned how to control it most of the time. Drawing, writing and running never ceases to save your life. And I'm sorry. Then again in 2.5 years this won't matter. I even have a date. I'm not beautiful. I'm ok with it. But don't lie to me. I am smart, I am talented, I am funny but I am not beautiful. Stop making beauty an ideal! Instead of convincing people they're beautiful, tell them it doesn't matter. It really doesn't.
Nope and nope. I'm too lazy for both and I like how I look right now. But yes team jeans and sweatshirts for life! You don't wear the boots too much though, idk why. I should wear them more. Not against makeup on other people, just against makeup for me and against the belief girls need makeup.
Kind of. You got a new digital camera for the Europe trip but its not THE camera. I'm still not sure between film or digital. And yes I still love photography. The schools photography teacher is the best!
I still love atl but yeah, a bit less. No I didn't meet them (You knew it wouldn't happen). I'm not sure if I'd want to, it would ruin who they are in my mind. Wow this year was the year I discovered so many good bands (I wonder if I'll say that next year too). Bmth, brand new, marianas trench, ymas, mayday parade, more fob, and goo goo dolls to say a few.
I really need to go study for my history test tomorrow (aw yeah poland and greece independence). So I'll answer all the other questions really quickly;
Did you get rid of the braces and asthma? Asthma kind of, I still get it when I have bad colds, and braces in two weeks maybe.
Did you finally get a growth spurt? Ha. Ha. Ha. Thats a good one. Team 5'2 for life probably.
Is everything ok what with liat being in the army and everything? She goes on thursday but I'm not worried.
Is unwind and harry potter still your fav books? Yep.
How's unsouled or untitled or whatever it's name is? OMFG ITS SO GOOD.
Is it as good as its predecessors? yES IT IS! AND A NEW ONE COMES OUT NEXT SUMMER YES
Do you still overthink everything? Yep but I'm learning philosophy and like 20 hours of art so at least I'm putting my thoughts to good use.
Have you finally found a place you belong? I hope so but I don't think so.
Do you still want to be a psychologist or something to do with films? Yep. Or a artist.
Do you still curse endlessly in your mind? Fucking hell damn right
You've found a way to continue acting? Right? Kind of. You're directing a opera this year too and you volunteer in a thingie where you teach "acting" to unprivileged kids but its not the same as being on stage. Then again, I made my choices.
Are you and Dafna still friends? No. She ruined your life. Don't lie to yourself, when you wrote this you weren't friends with her. Old friends don't always mean good friends.
Did you get angry and punch Karen? I know it'll happen one day and I'm dreading and waiting for it at the same time. Nope but you did realize it doesn't matter. You have like 60 more IQ points than her and it really bothers you her stupidity? Stop taunting her, you're better than that. She doesn't realize what her words can do but you and only you give them that power.
How did everyone react when they saw you're leaving(if you're leaving of course)? Idan and Shahar just started hugging me and saying no way and everything. Idk it had to happen and I'm sure I'll be in touch.
Are you satisfied with your life? Yep more or less.
Will you even go to mibba and read this? No I don't think I will. Ha.
Do you still write? A bit here and there, I want to write more but I don't have the time or focus. I will finish Audras story though.
Did you finish your first fanfic? Yes I did and I even wrote a sequel and we're in the middle of the third one (FUCKING UPDATE ALREADY).
Have you found true love (not likely but still)?No and I don't want to anymore.
Yes I am. I don't shut my mouth when it comes to writing. A few months after doing this, I've started writing monthly letters to future me so I don't think I'll be writing here again but who knows? Just in case here are some questions:
1. Are you happy?
2. What's up with your life now?
3. What's changed this year?
4. How's school and running and everything?
5. What do you believe in?
6. What do you think about me?
7. How's the family and friends etc?
8. What did I get in History?
Thats it for now, hello history test stress (i think my mom just made chocolate cake ^-^) Have a amazing year, don't do drugs (unless you really want to I guess), stay in school (unless it becomes too much), and be you because you're the best you can be (that made no sense but it sounds inspirational so ok).
Roni 8.2.14 (I suspect this wasn't the date I wrote the original one but ok)
Damn, three years. That's a long time. I still remember writing the original one on Hanukkah break and then last year writing during a break from studying in project week. Yes, we still do the monthly letter but come on, I love talking to myself. I'm not going to give up on another opportunity. It's kind of pointless to really answer all the questions since I already have the answers. Come on, we know now about the new camera (amazing) and the new and last unwind book (even more amazing). Of course we discovered more bands, who are you kidding? Twenty one pilots, the front bottoms, la dispute, citizen, real friends, and more I'm too lazy to check. And hey, yes, we're sore! Abs from yesterday, upper body from before that, and calves from when I took Moka down and did 60 thingies. Also hopefully, today we're going to go running.
I feel guilty about the acting thing because yes, I do want to continue acting. I'm planning on joining the acting group in my old school (you should know what I'm talking about) as well as going to more shows in the theater. I hope we did that, 17 year old me. I guess that's in my control though. I don't have any time and trying to squeeze in a few hours of acting is hard. I do miss being on stage and directing just isn't the same.
I swear, we will finish Audra's story. We finished the 30 day challenge, an opera, and wrote 51,000 words in NaNoWriMo (overachieving as usual). This summer, I'm planning to edit that as well as work on the avodat gemer. Hopefully, we finished both. Next years NaNo I'm going to work on Audra's story and finally finish it.
Lately, I'm losing a lot of confidence in my work. I mean, I love art in all and every form of it. I do do things that I feel are meaningful, at least to me. Lately, I'm terrified of the thought that the stuff I do doesn't connect with anyone else but me. It's great that I take a picture that I love and I feel says something but what's the point if no one else understands? On the other hand, art that everyone understands immediately doesn't really have a point. I just, I look at other great artists and I feel ashamed for even trying to pick up a pencil. Felix Nussbaum has the power to make me cry in a museum with a few colors and I'm trying to fool myself into believing that I can do the same to someone else?! Anyway, I'm assuming now, if all goes well, that you're working on your final presentation so you probably feel like you know what you're doing. I mean, I hope so. Trust yourself and your instincts and things should work out ok.
I'm just going to answer the questions now, ask a few of my own, and set some goals. Then, on to studying for citizenship (go 5 rules for a democracy)!
1. Are you happy? Dude, are you kidding? Life is full of bad and good, of happy and sad. We just do our best. Things are going well as of now. I'm not unhappy, at least for now. I'm just living life and doing my best under these conditions. I'm trying and that's what matters. Happiness isn't a thing you can say you have, you own. Happiness is small moments that make you grateful that you're alive to experience them. And yes, I have plenty of those moments.
2. What's up with your life now? Lemme see. I'm in bed right now, listening to ADTR's I'm Made of Wax, Larry, What Are You Made Of. It's Purim break (do you have a costume this year?) and I plan to study as well as read the stuff for literature. Yesterday I was lazy so I skipped school. I fell on my knee, ice skating with Idan, Yael and Maya and I'm terrified I won't be able to run today. That's about it. I'm working on my avodat gemer loads (15 pages heck yeah) and crying even more (DAMMIT FELIX AND CHARLOTTE YOU GUYS ARE GODDAMN ADORABLE I LOVE YOU I DONT CARE IF YOU DIED 60 YEARS AGO I WANT TO HUG YOU AND THE SAD AWAY). I've finally found a way to run and work out as much as I want which is wonderful. I'm lifting stuff in the school gym and omg I'm even working on my upper body for once. I'm terrified of the next three weeks, because I have three tests in each week. Still, then comes passover and then, after the hell that will be Bagruit, summer!
3. What's changed this year? Mm, a lot and nothing in the same time. I think I'm better at art. I'm definitely more hard working and I'm getting closer to my goals. I'm more confident and more myself. I'm not as afraid to speak my mind. I'm still as awkward as ever so that's good. I'm doing loads of yoga and everyone knows yoga is happiness. I know more. Like literally, I have more knowledge of the world and I'm getting to the realization that I don't even know how much I don't know.
4. Hows school and running and everything? School is ok. One more year. I'm getting decent/good grade. From a 40 in math, I got a 87 and that's something to be proud of. I hope we did ok in math. I ran a kilometer in 7 minutes. I'm getting back in shape and I really want to be a fighter in the army, so it's pretty important I be in good shape.
5. What do you believe in? God. Yes. We found our faith again, if we ever lost it. I believe in something. I believe in whatever out there that make me want to get out of bed each day. I believe in whatever makes people want to laugh and joke and be. I believe in the future and the past. I am trying to believe in the present. I believe in beauty, in art, in madness, in utter lack of logic, in spontaneity, compassion and pure evil, in passion and time, in hard work, in creativity, in instincts, in this world. in I believe we are lost souls and that truth is subjective and that there is truth in all things. I believe that Judaism is the most beautiful religion that exists, philosophically wise. I also want to reach the Christian level of compassion, the level of bad ass that exists in Satanism and the level of spirituality that exists in Buddhism. I want to read the Quran, just haven't had the time yet.
6. What do you think about me? Meh. You're ok. You need to realize you're not the only one in the planet. Care about other people, dammit. It doesn't matter they don't care about you. Stand up for yourself. You want something, say you want it. You're not okay with something, speak up. Do what you love. You like running. You like acting. You like yoga. So why the hell don't you do those things? You are letting teacher brainwash you into believing grades are the most important thing. You are forgetting you are a human and you deserve a break too. You are pressuring yourself and ,if I remember correctly, are a giant ball of stress and tears. Or you do nothing. You just stare at Tumblr all day long, cause who cares, school doesn't matter. No. Find the gray. Find the land of between, where you work hard but you also make time for yourself. Also, learn how to accept feelings. It is normal to be sad and angry.
7. How’s the family and friends etc? Great. Me and D are having problems. I hope all is ok nowadays. I liked our friendship but she fucking hurt us. Me and M haven't spoken in a while and I swear, I will speak to him today. I'm still friends with G, despite everything. I don't know if that says something about me or her. I'm feeling lonely but that's ok because who needs people when you have cats.
8. What did I get in History? Um 85? 88? Something like that? We were fine, though I wish you would have studied more and better.
Ok here are some goals for this year:
1. It's obvious, but finish and stay in school?
2. Finish avodat gemer.
3. Continue working out as much as I do.
4. Write more.
5. Draw more.
6. Go to the acting thing.
7. Go through your tumblr likes.
8. Talk to M sometimes.
9. Do more yoga, smile more, drink more water, stop stressing.
Ok, that's about it. I'm leaving you to take care of the future. Right now, I don't know about a lot of stuff. I don't know about the army, I don't know about the future, I don't know about uni, I don't know about friends, about my sexuality, I don't know about my future career, I don't know why humans are here. I expect you have a better idea about these. But hey, time moves fast and soon I'll be reading this and things will be different and that's ok. Keep on being you. Also murder is bad. Also forget me. I want you to try and be untainted by the past. It doesn't matter what I wanted. Right now, I want to be a fighter in the army. Maybe you don't. That's ok, that's great. Do what feels right for you. My current wants don't matter. You know more. Don't let old choices and dream dictate what you truly want. And if you don't know what you want, just keep going and you'll discover eventually.
Roni (who was supposed to start studying like 20 minutes ago) on the 5.3.15 (damn, I hope i remember to return next year).
Oooh wait. I plan to cut my hair really short, like absurdly short. Please tell me we went through with that and that I look decent. I've always wanted short hair and I don't care that it might look horrible. Teen years are the time to make fashion mistakes. Also keep an eye out for grammar mistakes, I'm tired of fixing your grammar and spelling mistakes.
I am in love with this. I returned to mibba after about a year and a half of absence because of these letters. It's truly amazing to see myself grow up. I love how I stay the same yet slowly grow into my habits and passions. I’m not worried about the future anymore because I think I finally trust myself to just deal with it as it comes. My stress doesn’t do anything.
So me? I’m listening to Ryan Cassata’s Alone (he’s so incredible, I can’t wait for his album!), I’m supposed to study for the huge Math Matkonet that’s in three days (shh, I’m in denial), in about fifteen minutes I’m off to the acting thing (yes, we went to it), I’m still wearing jeans and an old sweatshirt so that’s good, and I’m procrastinating as usual.
I’m not quite sure what to tell 18 year old us. Damn. Damn. You’re old. I hope you’re happy, that you’re looking for those moments and fighting for them. Happiness is a choice, it really is. Make the choice to be positive and you will be happier. It’s easy to complain, it’s easy to be negative, make the choice to love life. Don’t take everything so goddamn serious, no one has ever proven any of this matter more than what we make it.
So about our goals:
1. It's obvious, but finish and stay in school?
On it. 85 more days! So far, haven’t failed anything (maybe math in three days (shh don’t joke about that)). It’s bittersweet. I’m in love with my school and the people around me but I’m also excited for the future (And scared). Time flows by and I’m going to enjoy every moment until it ends.
2. Finish avodat gemer.
Yep. Done that. Send it to a competition but I don’t think our chances of winning are too high. Trying not to think about it. I didn’t get a grade yet though so it’s scary. There are definitely things I would have done differently (MOUS for example) but all in all, I’m proud of us for finishing it. It was a learning experiment that I’m glad we did.
3. Continue working out as much as I do.
Ran a half marathon this month! It was amazing! Also, we’ve managed to run a km in 6 minutes.
4. Write more.
Working on that. I did nanowrimo this year too (second time winning!). I’m editing it now, which has proven to be harder than I ever thought it would be. Hopefully, you’re done with that. It’s okay that it’s shitty, the only way to improve is by writing incredibly shitty things until they get better. Right now, I’m getting over the discovery that my characters might be simultaneously very flat and contradictory to their own qualities (right, James is a follower yet suddenly changes himself with no character arch?! It takes time to become brave.) Venture needs to be lighter and more annoying. Kean has a character, I promise. The writing is just shitty. I hope things are better now.
1. Draw more.
Don’t remind me. As of now, I am doing okay with my oil paints but I have absolutely nothing in photography and multimedia. I’m hoping to work on that today but I’m just so stressed that I can’t think of anything creative and all my ideas are withering up and dying. Hopefully, this changes soon. I did draw more this year I think. I became that person that wanders around all day every day with a sketchbook.
2. Go to the acting thing.
Yep! We did! It’s really fun. I will admit that I despise my character. I love the play, the people with me, and the director but I hate my character. I’m learning so much about directing and acting but as an actress, I don’t think I’m learning too much. I’m trying to love my character but something inside me just screams “NOO I CAN’T STAND HER, SHE’S HORRIBLE.” Maybe if I had more text or room I could have fallen in love but right now, I can’t see that happening. I wonder if that’s changed for you. Maybe in a few weeks I’ll suddenly understand how to bring this character to the stage while making the audience sympathize with me. Everyone’s going to hate her and I’m not even sure I’ll get the chance to make the audience love her, especially if I hate her. Still, yesterday we improved. I am willing to bet anything that you’re not in touch with anyone there and I wish things were different.
3. Go through your tumblr likes.
This has appeared on so many of my to-do lists. That’s kind of sad. One day. I haven’t been on tumblr for ages.
8. Talk to M sometimes.
You should be more grateful there’s someone on this planet that understands you as well as he does. We’re still in touch, I’m so proud of him.
9. Do more yoga, smile more, drink more water, stop stressing.
This is incredibly easy to say. I’m trying.
What can I say to 18 yo us? I’m having trouble picturing her. I suppose you’re in the army, making videos. I hope they’re nice and you feel comfortable. I’m really scared of feeling like I don’t belong or being forced to do stuff I don’t believe in. People like me don’t work well in places that demand obedience and discipline. I’m going to suffer silently until I inevitably become miserable or argue with everything until everyone will hate me. I hate being a leader and that’s what that job is going to demand. There’s a part of me that still thinks it’s all a joke, a huge mistake. There’s no way that I could have gotten accepted when there are thousands of talented experienced people who are passionate and could do a better job than me. (Note to self: must work on my horrible self esteem).
Goals for next year: Next year is such a mess, I don’t know anything about it. It’s hard to see. New beginnings are always scary and this is no exception.
1. Marathon! If you have time to train properly, I think that could be our next challenge. I got so annoyed after our gym teacher told me I’d be a better runner if I lost weight and that I should be scared of knee problems. If I chose to lose weight, it’ll be because I want to. Right now, I’m able to do everything I want. So there’s a part of me that wants to prove I can do it. I can run an entire marathon without needing to go on a diet or lose weight. If not, I’d like us to keep running distance and maybe participate in a few more half marathons? I don’t know what the army will be like so I’m not raising my expectations about training.
2. Be the world’s philosophy champion! I’m just joking. It’s crazy we’re the national champions. Like we are actually going to represent our country in a philosophy Olympiad. How did this happen? I’m not expecting a win because come on, how can my knowledge compare to some genius from Finland or something who’s been studying philosophy forever? Still, I want to come prepared and I expect from us to arrive at Belgium feeling like I know what I’m talking about. This is another thing I can’t believe is real. Me? Win at nationals? This has to be a mistake, I don’t feel ready yet.
3. Keep in touch with people! This is a tough one. I know we suck at this. But you’ve made some amazing friends and knowing you, none of them will last because you don’t know how to keep texting people or how to actually call people back. This will lead to you losing all your friends.
4. Acting! I really want to find a way to continue acting. I’m thinking about participating in a few student films over the summer. Other than that, I don’t know how we’ll continue acting. All I know is that I love acting and really want to continue doing it in some way. Also, tell me you were active in the teen theater group thing? Right now, I’m too busy but during the summer, I really want us to be active and show up loads.
5. Stay fluid! I’m finding it difficult to articulate exactly what I mean by staying fluid. Don’t stick to one idea or ideology. Stay flexible. Don’t dry with one opinion. Keep an open mind. Remember, truth can be found everywhere, you just need to listen. It’s so easy to find one world view and stick with it. Don’t. Keep growing and learning. Don’t stop molding your mind, don’t stop changing your mind. Remember it’s okay to believe both in capitalism and in communism, there’s nothing wrong with never picking a side. If you find yourself sticking to a belief, talk to someone who believes the opposite and understand why they think that way.
6. Confidence! It’s incredibly easy for us to think “I suck at everything, everyone is better at this than me, I’ll never be as good as them”. Lately I’ve found myself thinking, “ugh, no one here knows what they’re doing, I could have done a better job than them, I’m so much more deeper than those idiots”. Both of these are wrong. You need to find a middle ground. I’m struggling with that. Accept that you’re great and so is everyone else and dammit, not everything is a competition, you’re not waging a one woman war against literally everyone. Find confidence but run away from arrogance. Remember that just because you’ve studied in a certain school or gotten accepted to a certain role (you know exactly what I’m talking about), you’re not smarter or more talented or better in any way than anyone else on this planet. It’s easy to think that just because I can recite Shakespeare or know what the Stoics thought about death, I’m suddenly smarter than a person who can’t and that is such bullshit and you need to stop. There’s a huge difference between being privileged and educated and being smart. It’s not the same and it’s not a competition. In the same vein, you need to remember what you’re worth. You have something to say. You’re here for a reason. You’re doing your best and that’s enough. Everything is working exactly the way it should. This balance is hard but you’ll find a way. I know eventually we’ll have a normal self-esteem without mentally stomping on everyone else.
7. Deal with regret! Find acceptance! Right now, I’m beginning to see paths unraveling. People around me are making choice about the future. I’m making choices. I’m not going to be a fighter probably. I’m sorry. I know we wanted to be a fighter, hell, I still want to. But we also said we’ll be what the army tells us. We got accepted to that place where we didn’t think we would. Only a small bunch of people get accepted apparently. It’s meant to be a great “career move” and more assorted lies adults like to spew. I know it’s meant to be a great experience but dammit, I wanted to be sweaty, I wanted to be tired, I wanted to suffer, I wanted someone to show me I am limitless. So deal with regret. Accept we’re making choices. You can’t do everything. So you make choices. It’s really for the best. Think what if hurts us. So don’t. In the time I’m writing this, I could have gone to that party, I could have gone running, I could have watched TBBT with my brother and I could have continued studying Nietzsche’s stuff. I’m making the choice to write this. That’s how time works and you need to accept it’s impossible to do literally everything, choices need to be made.
In response to some stuff you wrote, yes, I did cut my hair. It was super short and it was awesome! Before joining the army, I’m going to cut my hair again (at least that’s the plan). I want to cut it super short, as a sort of small fuck you to the idiotic army rules that force all girls to tie up their hair. Right now, I have a dream to get tattooed for my 18th b-day. I wonder if that’ll happen. I really hope so but idk.
D is a horrible person. I don’t mean that. I’ve always wondered what a break-up tastes like. I think I have a pretty good sense of that now. She was absolutely horrible to us but after a few really melodramatic poems, about two months of depression (not just her fault tho), and a sketchbook that’s basically dedicated to her, we’re over it. I always knew I’m sensitive but I didn’t think I’m that sensitive. She was cruel but I could have handled it better. Did I tell her she can go to hell in the end of the year? Did we talk? Or did she just disappear? Will I ever understand what happened? Or maybe one day I just won’t care because she’ll be a figure in my past?
So about art, I’m struggling. I’m still full of doubts but I also love this world. I love art so much. I love how art makes me feel. I love disappearing into books and plays. I love that sinking feeling in my stomach when I see a strong piece of art. I love admiring the genius of some works, how stories spiral and characters unfold, the wit of acting, the perfection of some paint strokes. Maybe I’m not right for this world but that doesn’t mean I can’t love it. My final presentation is difficult right now. I’m scared I’m doing a horrible job. I need to get over it and just fucking do something. Ask me again about it in two months.
My sexuality is a mess and I’m coming to terms with that. It’s okay. Maybe now you’re in a relationship with a guy and you’re okay with sexual stuff. Maybe it’s a girl. Maybe it’s a nonbinary person. Maybe you’re not okay with the sexual stuff. Either way, it’s okay. You already know that it’s okay but I thought I’d remind you because I know how people pressure us to define ourselves but sometimes heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual, pansexual, and demisexual aren’t enough for me to find myself. Hopefully, you’re active in the community.
We still didn't read the Quran. I still have asthma (if you have asthma tho, the doctor will be a dirty liar). I didn't finish Audra's story and in all honesty, I don't want to and I think I won't. It's not worth your time.
I still can’t believe how old we are. You fucking did it. If you’re reading this, you survived. Till 21 right ! You’re going to be okay. I am full of doubts and fears and if you’re anything like me, you’re probably feeling the same. Let them fuel you. Be kind. Let kindness fuel you. Be soft. Dance through this cruel world. Don’t let any of them harden you. Let yourself be naïve, let yourself believe in the good of people, let yourself be young and foolish. We’ve earned it. Think about me from time to time? Think about how we stood in front of crossroads, how we waged a war against dragons that were actually just our classmates and doubts. Think about how we were the dancing queen (surprisingly, I did quite a bit of dancing this year. I actually reached the point that I don’t have a problem dancing in front of a crowd, as long as I’m in character). I hope everyone around you is okay and surviving (super worried about Liat now).
So I suppose we’re reaching the end of this little letter. I love this. Till next year!
Roni 1.4.16 (April Fool’s Day) I am really late so future me should open this in the middle of March. Also, how'd my run today go?
April 1st, 2016 at 03:57pm