Write a letter to yourself...

  • chromatography.

    chromatography. (255)

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    Hello you,
    I've never written one of these before and it's (maybe) time that I did. Maybe it's time that I started treating you better and started actually valuing you, which is such a foreign concept to us. Are you still thankful that you value others much more than yourself? I still am, otherwise we wouldn't be alive, remember... but a part of me — a now large part — doesn't want to. It's a twisting snake in my gut and it makes me want to vomit. Our father taught us to look after others, but currently I'm clutching the short straw vehemently. Did you get a longer one for me? I sincerely hope so.

    Question! What do I call you? Do I call you by your first name or your preferred name? Or are you still as ambivalent about your name as now? Question: has anyone made your name sound beautiful yet? No? I thought so. You're a lot more goal-orientated now. Do you still hold the same notion about that sometimes? The belief that it's an after-effect of depression, a mechanism to block the steady melancholic churn inside you as you stubbornly refuse medication (are you okay still?). This belief is erroneous, you know. Not because it's pessimistic and illogical, but because your self-esteem (and anxiety) is tied by marked papers and ticks. It makes you feel accomplished and that you can help others more adeptly, two things that you value greatly. It's not a necessarily a bad thing. Cute

    Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend yet? I don't really care but everyone else keeps asking. We both know that two cats, our family and friends, and a full-time job is all we want. What I want most for you, other than completing your resolutions, is to have become a less selfish and more tactful person. Being candid is an advantage, but being considerate and candid is much more advantageous. I also want you to be seeing your nieces, grandmother and friends more often. They're precious, you see, and you miss them greatly. In Love

    Currently I'm staring at 'bureaucracy' — do you still love law? (Do you still contemplate studying it?) Did you finish The Natural History of the World? I'm planning to read a lot more nonfiction this year, so I'm hoping I fulfilled that aspiration. Have we come to peace with the knowledge that we will never know everything? Do you still place your worth on your intelligence and compare it to others? Do you still want to be an academic? Do you believe that creativity is limitless and should not be contained within the bars of 'appeasing others'? Did you finish Clockwork? Have you successfully emotionally-detached yourself from constructive criticism? Do you have faith in your opinion? Do you have faith in yourself?

    There is so much more I want to write, but I do love you. Very much. I'm proud of you for achieving so much and for your resilience. Though there may be sporadic bouts of self-loathing, you're a sweet girl (except when you're overtired and hungry, then you're a kraken). One day I hope that you can trust someone enough to let them love and accept you as much as I do.

    Much love and affection,
    Miss Pretentiousness

    P.S. I should probably date this for you, because you'll forget, as usual. (10/02/2015, 14:05)
    February 10th, 2015 at 04:03am
  • golfgirl

    golfgirl (100)

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    February 10th, 2015 at 04:14am
  • fen'harel

    fen'harel (560)

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    Fen'Harel:
    Wednesday, May 8, 2013

    Dear me,

    I know you are desperate, anxious, and disenchanted with your now and the future seems too far away, but I hope that when you read back to this some time from now, you'll be smiling, because all your struggles and all the sacrifices you've maid paid off.

    Keep studying, keep learning, keep pushing forward. Do not settle for whatever because you've fought to get to where you are.

    The money you pay for education right now will pay off eventually. I have hope. I really do, but sometimes the stress wears me down; I hope that when you read this you are nodding and proud of yourself.

    Never give up, okay?

    Questions I have for you:

    Are you still writing?
    How did the wedding go?!
    How's the married life? tehe
    Do you have any new additions to the family? (Jabberwock might get lonely, you know? She obviously needs some siblings).
    How's the anxiety going? Still going to therapy?
    How are classes?
    Did you get the fuck out of that job at the doctor's office? (Please, tell me you did, okay? PLEASE).
    How are you paying for school now?

    Don't forget to answer, okay? I know we forget everything, but this is important, woman.

    Todo mi amor,

    Aileen (23 yrs. old).
    Dear 23-year-old me,

    Shit, where do I start?

    Okay, so that last part you wrote about not keeping up with shit and still wanting future you (aka me a year ago) to reply to all these questions? It didn't happen. Come on, you know us. We can keep up with this sort of shit.

    Anyways, the date is February 10, 2015. It's been almost 2 years since you wrote that letter to me.

    First thing I need to tell you: You're graduating this May!!! It's over! Finally over! You're finally free from school and it feels so great! There's this weird mix of anxiety and excitement inside of you, but it's the good type of anxiety! It's that anxiety that makes you want to do things and be productive. Every now and then you do get a bout of that negative anxiety that makes you want to tear the skin from your bones, not gonna lie, but it's become more manageable and very rare.

    We have not given up, though last semester and this semester have been very tough on us and our family. Grandpa died, grandma isn't getting any better, you failed the NCE but don't worry, we'll pass it the second time, I promise. The thing is, this is the last pull, so I am NOT giving up and I will make past me so proud of this moment.

    To answer your questions:
    You're sort of still writing but only in Spanish and rarely. It's become very difficult to make time for it, but you are filling in the gap with some games to keep yourself entertained and relaxed.

    The wedding went really well! The freaking DJ screwed up some of our songs Grr but we got it sorted and in the end it was a great time.

    Married life is fun but with a lot of responsibilities. We've been married for a year and 2 months now! Oh, and tomorrow is your anniversary for when you first began dating! 3 years!

    I'm very pleased to inform you that you do have a new addition to the family; his name is Pachirisu and it's one whiny dachshund pup. You love him and he loves you and to cuddle too! Him and Jabberwock get along incredibly well!

    You're not in therapy anymore (you've got no time for it ::sigh:) but the time you spent in therapy was really helpful in gaining insight about your emotions and past.

    You've only got 2 classes this last semester. They're both going slowly, but you will pass them; I promise.

    I'm happy to inform you that you did get out of that fucked up doctor's office! You got an interview to a mentoring job at the college of education that paid more than the doctor did for only part-time employment! You lasted 2 years in that job and loved it. The grant ended, sadly, and you're now employed by Dr. Moya (blergh, don't trust her) to do transcription of interviews for a research project. You have applied to other jobs and got two job interviews to your favorite ones you applied to; one of them didn't choose you and the other you're waiting to hear from them.

    Still working to pay off the bills. You're also still terrified of being in debt, so not a lot of things changed in that aspect.

    So now for future us:

    How's alumni life going?
    Have you taken the state NCE?! Did you pass it?! SEND ME SOME HELP FROM THE FUTURE BECAUSE I'M TERRIFIED.
    Where are you working at right now?
    Do you feel more confident in your abilities as a counselor now that you are (hopefully) on the field?
    Are you practicing?
    How's married life going?
    How's Jabberwock and Pachirisu?
    Are you still living in the same apartments or did you move?

    Write to me, pendeja, don't forget to update this in one year, okay?

    Much love,

    Aileen (25 years old).
    February 11th, 2015 at 03:35am
  • ironically1234

    ironically1234 (100)

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    Dear Roni,
    Congrats youre 15 almost 16. I never thought id get there. Do you feel old as I always thought it would feel?
    I'm really confused right now. Did you figure it out? Am I less confused?
    Have I changed? Am I the same person?
    How about school? Are you in the new school? Is it tough? Are you still in touch with old friends? Are you truly happy? Hows the Bagruit? If you're not getting straight As in the best school in the city I swear I'll toss my iPod out the window since its obviously the cause for the lack of studying. Omg you still have your iPod right?
    Are you training for the marathon? You better be!!!! How's the working out in general? You haven't given up right? You can do it!! How's the six pack and biceps? Still sour like now? I hope so!
    What's going on with you and ******? Do you still love each other? Have you finally gotten the guts to say the truth you coward?
    Do my wrists look the same? I'm really scared to read that answer. But at least you've made it to 15 and a half. Only 2 and a half years till freedom right? Smile. Stop being so depressed and hard on yourself. You are awesome and beautiful!
    Speaking of looks did you due your hair purple and get that earring like I want? What are you wearing? Knowing me I'm still in jeans, a sweatshirt and my high combat boot right? You're still against make up right?
    How's the photography going? Did you get your amazing new camera? Is it everything you dreamed of? Did you finish the commercial and get filming with the short film?
    Im willing to bet music is still a big part of your life but what are you listening to? Last year I was obsessed with panic! Now I love them still but I'm less obsessed. Is it the same with All Time Low? How's somewhere in neverlands music video? Is jack Wendy and Alex peter pan? Please yes!! And did you get to meet them somehow? Do you still love blink and jimmy eat world?
    Did you get ride of the braces and asthma? Did you finally get a growth spurt? Is everything ok what with liat being in the army and everything? Is unwind and harry potter still your fav books? How's unsouled or untitled or whatever it's name is? Is it as good as its predecessors? Do you still over think everything? Have you finally found a place you belong? Do you still want to be a psychologist or something to do with films? Do you still curse endlessly in your mind? You've found a way to continue acting? Right? Are you and Dafna still friends? Did you get angry and punch Karen? I know it'll happen one day and I'm dreading and waiting for it at the same time. How did everyone react when they saw you're leaving(if you're leaving of course)? Are you satisfied with your life? Will you even go to mibba and read this? Do you still write? Did you finish your first fanfic? Have you found true love (not likely but still)?
    Sorry for the long rant. Ive always been talkative. Are you? ;) have a awesome life. Roni 8.2.13 I think.

    Dear Roni,

    I feel awkward answering this, I guess thats the truth. I feel like you're a stranger, like you're this person who knows all about me but doesn't know me. I feel like you're this stalker who's been spying on me and is here to taunt me. These feelings don't make sense. I know they don't, but when have my feelings ever made sense? I want to hate you and make fun of you and be cruel and say the things that will hurt you. Who knows, maybe in some alternative universe you will be able to read this. I doubt it but I guess I don't care. I wonder if you could read my answers would you act differently?

    Ok I'll get over it and answer the questions. I'm just feeling unbelievably angsty today. I never thought I'd be 15 either. It feels ridiculous. Have we really lived 15 and half years? I can't even imagine living 20 years. I don't feel old. I do feel more relaxed though. My mind feels clearer, like I see better. I feel like I can read the world better.

    This literally broke my heart. I want to tell you everything will be ok, that the confusion will go away. But thats a lie, and a really suckish one at that. I'm as confused as always. I want to scream at the world. I want to break apart. But I won't. Maybe if you knew how to deal with anger, I wouldn't be who I am right now.

    Oh god you changed, but you're still the same girl with the mind of the 40 year old and the attitude of a 6 year old aren't you? Remember when Aba said it and meant it as a insult? It still remains one of the best compliments I've ever gotten, after the anon who said I remind him of Alex Gaskarth. Anyway (as usual I get off topic), you did some pretty awesome things this year, and I say awesome because some of them aren't good. You directed a opera which taught you how to be a leader, how to create. You are learning some pretty intense things in school (I'll talk about that later) and its taught you how to argue, how to see the world. You've learned your worth and you're not afraid anymore. You don't need people anymore.

    Ok school. I'm not sure if you know this or not right now but you got into the two schools you wanted. You did it. You picked one, after Liat told you "In B its obvious you'll succeed. You already have friends there, and the studies won't be too hard. Y on the other hand is a risk. It could blow over or it could be the best thing for you." You picked Y. You chose art over science and I really hope future us won't regret it. Then again, I don't believe in regret so it doesn't exist in my world. Anyway I think Y was the right choice. Its hard, I'm not going to lie. On the first day of sketching class the teacher was so nasty and cruel you felt like you were nothing, like every praise you ever received for you art didn't exist. It taught us that my art is what I see it, criticism doesn't matter. Yet you worked hard in sketch class and 2 days ago he told you how good it was and what a amazing jump you've made. The thing was, even after loads of classmates complimented you, you didn't feel proud. I guess I've made us so deaf to negativity, I can't hear positivity anymore. You're keeping in touch with Y and I. It's funny, you're better friends with Y now than you ever were. I haven't had a Bagruit yet, Roni next year will answer that. I'm not happy. I doubt I'll ever be. But I'm satisfied. You can't ask for more. Not straight As, not yet. You're getting Bs. It sucks but I will be better. This is just another challenge for me to win. My average this semester was 87. Next one it will be higher. I am sure. I will not accept anything else.

    Yes, I still have my ipod. Its cracked from tripping while running and from the caravan throwing it in the summer but it works so thats cool. I lost all my library which means I have to get everything again ugh. Always. My lower body hurts from yesterdays workout. I ran 17km a few weeks ago (I was sick and it was project week and ugh I'm running again today) and you once ran 1:40 mins. You're training for the 10km this year because you're too young to run the half marathon. Next year though ;)

    Who's ******? I'm trying to remember bad crushes from last year so here goes: O is a jerk. You got really close in the show but he's a ass, Y (very unlikely but idk) left the school for drug use and it drove you insane you couldn't help him, E (he fits with the stars but he was never really a crush) is good, cynical as ever. If he doesn't end up in a ditch, I'm sure he'll do amazing things. I really really really hope you're not talking about M. It's fun being shallow, talking about boyfriends and imagining who you'll be with when you know it'll never happen but M is off limits. He means more than that and I hope you know that. He's your closest friend and like 3 months after you wrote this you discovered he's gay. I don't want a bf. I think I'm asexual, no labels though. I mean sure some boys are cute but I don't want to get close with anyone. Love sucks. I don't need to try it to know.

    Erm this is going to suck, writing this. My wrists are great but my thighs aren't. To put it nicely, around three or four months after you wrote this you had a pretty dark time and now you can't wear shorts. I'd like to say it was a mistake that'll never repeat itself but thats a lie. I still want to cut and starve and die. But I won't. I've learned how to control it most of the time. Drawing, writing and running never ceases to save your life. And I'm sorry. Then again in 2.5 years this won't matter. I even have a date. I'm not beautiful. I'm ok with it. But don't lie to me. I am smart, I am talented, I am funny but I am not beautiful. Stop making beauty a ideal! Instead of convincing people they're beautiful, tell them it doesn't matter. It really doesn't.

    Nope and nope. I'm too lazy for both and I like how I look right now. But yes team jeans and sweatshirts for life! You don't wear the boots too much though, idk why. I should wear them more. Not against makeup on other people, just against makeup for me and against the belief girls need makeup.

    Kind of. You got a new digital camera for the europe trip but its not THE camera. I'm still not sure between film or digital. And yes I still love photography. The schools photography teacher is the best!

    I still love atl but yeah, a bit less. No I didn't meet them (You knew it wouldn't happen). I'm not sure if I'd want to, it would ruin who they are in my mind. Wow this year was the year I discovered so many good bands (I wonder if I'll say that next year too). Bmth, brand new, marianas trench, ymas, mayday parade, more fob, and goo goo dolls to say a few.

    I really need to go study for my history test tomorrow (aw yeah poland and greece independence). So I'll answer all the other questions really quickly;

    Did you get rid of the braces and asthma? Asthma kind of, I still get it when I have bad colds, and braces in two weeks maybe.
    Did you finally get a growth spurt? Ha. Ha. Ha. Thats a good one. Team 5'2 for life probably.
    Is everything ok what with liat being in the army and everything? She goes on thursday but I'm not worried.
    Is unwind and harry potter still your fav books? Yep.
    How's unsouled or untitled or whatever it's name is? OMFG ITS SO GOOD.
    Is it as good as its predecessors? yES IT IS! AND A NEW ONE COMES OUT NEXT SUMMER YES
    Do you still overthink everything? Yep but I'm learning philosophy and like 20 hours of art so at least I'm putting my thoughts to good use.
    Have you finally found a place you belong? I hope so but I don't think so.
    Do you still want to be a psychologist or something to do with films? Yep. Or a artist.
    Do you still curse endlessly in your mind? Fucking hell damn right
    You've found a way to continue acting? Right? Kind of. You're directing a opera this year too and you volunteer in a thingie where you teach "acting" to unprivileged kids but its not the same as being on stage. Then again, I made my choices.
    Are you and Dafna still friends? No. She ruined your life. Don't lie to yourself, when you wrote this you weren't friends with her. Old friends don't always mean good friends.
    Did you get angry and punch Karen? I know it'll happen one day and I'm dreading and waiting for it at the same time. Nope but you did realize it doesn't matter. You have like 60 more IQ points than her and it really bothers you her stupidity? Stop taunting her, you're better than that. She doesn't realize what her words can do but you and only you give them that power.
    How did everyone react when they saw you're leaving(if you're leaving of course)? Idan and Shahar just started hugging me and saying no way and everything. Idk it had to happen and I'm sure I'll be in touch.
    Are you satisfied with your life? Yep more or less.
    Will you even go to mibba and read this? No I don't think I will. Ha.
    Do you still write? A bit here and there, I want to write more but I don't have the time or focus. I will finish Audras story though.
    Did you finish your first fanfic? Yes I did and I even wrote a sequel and we're in the middle of the third one (FUCKING UPDATE ALREADY).
    Have you found true love (not likely but still)?No and I don't want to anymore.

    Yes I am. I don't shut my mouth when it comes to writing. A few months after doing this, I've started writing monthly letters to future me so I don't think I'll be writing here again but who knows? Just in case here are some questions:
    1. Are you happy?
    2. What's up with your life now?
    3. What's changed this year?
    4. How's school and running and everything?
    5. What do you believe in?
    6. What do you think about me?
    7. How's the family and friends etc?
    8. What did I get in History?

    Thats it for now, hello history test stress (i think my mom just made chocolate cake ^-^) Have a amazing year, don't do drugs (unless you really want to I guess), stay in school (unless it becomes too much), and be you because you're the best you can be (that made no sense but it sounds inspirational so ok).

    Roni 8.2.14 (I suspect this wasn't the date I wrote the original one but ok)

    Damn, three years. That's a long time. I still remember writing the original one on Hanukkah break and then last year writing during a break from studying in project week. Yes, we still do the monthly letter but come on, I love talking to myself. I'm not going to give up on another opportunity. It's kind of pointless to really answer all the questions since I already have the answers. Come on, we know now about the new camera (amazing) and the new and last unwind book (even more amazing). Of course we discovered more bands, who are you kidding? Twenty one pilots, the front bottoms, la dispute, citizen, real friends, and more I'm too lazy to check. And hey, yes, we're sore! Abs from yesterday, upper body from before that, and calves from when I took Moka down and did 60 thingies. Also hopefully, today we're going to go running.

    I feel guilty about the acting thing because yes, I do want to continue acting. I'm planning on joining the acting group in my old school (you should know what I'm talking about) as well as going to more shows in the theater. I hope we did that, 17 year old me. I guess that's in my control though. I don't have any time and trying to squeeze in a few hours of acting is hard. I do miss being on stage and directing just isn't the same.

    I swear, we will finish Audra's story. We finished the 30 day challenge, an opera, and wrote 51,000 words in NaNoWriMo (overachieving as usual). This summer, I'm planning to edit that as well as work on the avodat gemer. Hopefully, we finished both. Next years NaNo I'm going to work on Audra's story and finally finish it.

    Lately, I'm losing a lot of confidence in my work. I mean, I love art in all and every form of it. I do do things that I feel are meaningful, at least to me. Lately, I'm terrified of the thought that the stuff I do doesn't connect with anyone else but me. It's great that I take a picture that I love and I feel says something but what's the point if no one else understands? On the other hand, art that everyone understands immediately doesn't really have a point. I just, I look at other great artists and I feel ashamed for even trying to pick up a pencil. Felix Nussbaum has the power to make me cry in a museum with a few colors and I'm trying to fool myself into believing that I can do the same to someone else?! Anyway, I'm assuming now, if all goes well, that you're working on your final presentation so you probably feel like you know what you're doing. I mean, I hope so. Trust yourself and your instincts and things should work out ok.

    I'm just going to answer the questions now, ask a few of my own, and set some goals. Then, on to studying for citizenship (go 5 rules for a democracy)!

    1. Are you happy? Dude, are you kidding? Life is full of bad and good, of happy and sad. We just do our best. Things are going well as of now. I'm not unhappy, at least for now. I'm just living life and doing my best under these conditions. I'm trying and that's what matters. Happiness isn't a thing you can say you have, you own. Happiness is small moments that make you grateful that you're alive to experience them. And yes, I have plenty of those moments.

    2. What's up with your life now? Lemme see. I'm in bed right now, listening to ADTR's I'm Made of Wax, Larry, What Are You Made Of. It's Purim break (do you have a costume this year?) and I plan to study as well as read the stuff for literature. Yesterday I was lazy so I skipped school. I fell on my knee, ice skating with Idan, Yael and Maya and I'm terrified I won't be able to run today. That's about it. I'm working on my avodat gemer loads (15 pages heck yeah) and crying even more (DAMMIT FELIX AND CHARLOTTE YOU GUYS ARE GODDAMN ADORABLE I LOVE YOU I DONT CARE IF YOU DIED 60 YEARS AGO I WANT TO HUG YOU AND THE SAD AWAY). I've finally found a way to run and work out as much as I want which is wonderful. I'm lifting stuff in the school gym and omg I'm even working on my upper body for once. I'm terrified of the next three weeks, because I have three tests in each week. Still, then comes passover and then, after the hell that will be Bagruit, summer!

    3. What's changed this year? Mm, a lot and nothing in the same time. I think I'm better at art. I'm definitely more hard working and I'm getting closer to my goals. I'm more confident and more myself. I'm not as afraid to speak my mind. I'm still as awkward as ever so that's good. I'm doing loads of yoga and everyone knows yoga is happiness. I know more. Like literally, I have more knowledge of the world and I'm getting to the realization that I don't even know how much I don't know.

    4. Hows school and running and everything? School is ok. One more year. I'm getting decent/good grade. From a 40 in math, I got a 87 and that's something to be proud of. I hope we did ok in math. I ran a kilometer in 7 minutes. I'm getting back in shape and I really want to be a fighter in the army, so it's pretty important I be in good shape.

    5. What do you believe in? God. Yes. We found our faith again, if we ever lost it. I believe in something. I believe in whatever out there that make me want to get out of bed each day. I believe in whatever makes people want to laugh and joke and be. I believe in the future and the past. I am trying to believe in the present. I believe in beauty, in art, in madness, in utter lack of logic, in spontaneity, compassion and pure evil, in passion and time, in hard work, in creativity, in instincts, in this world. in I believe we are lost souls and that truth is subjective and that there is truth in all things. I believe that Judaism is the most beautiful religion that exists, philosophically wise. I also want to reach the Christian level of compassion, the level of bad ass that exists in Satanism and the level of spirituality that exists in Buddhism. I want to read the Quran, just haven't had the time yet.

    6. What do you think about me? Meh. You're ok. You need to realize you're not the only one in the planet. Care about other people, dammit. It doesn't matter they don't care about you. Stand up for yourself. You want something, say you want it. You're not okay with something, speak up. Do what you love. You like running. You like acting. You like yoga. So why the hell don't you do those things? You are letting teacher brainwash you into believing grades are the most important thing. You are forgetting you are a human and you deserve a break too. You are pressuring yourself and ,if I remember correctly, are a giant ball of stress and tears. Or you do nothing. You just stare at Tumblr all day long, cause who cares, school doesn't matter. No. Find the gray. Find the land of between, where you work hard but you also make time for yourself. Also, learn how to accept feelings. It is normal to be sad and angry.

    7. Hows the family and friends etc? Great. Me and D are having problems. I hope all is ok nowadays. I liked our friendship but she fucking hurt us. Me and M haven't spoken in a while and I swear, I will speak to him today. I'm still friends with G, despite everything. I don't know if that says something about me or her. I'm feeling lonely but that's ok because who needs people when you have cats.

    8. What did I get in History? Um 85? 88? Something like that? We were fine, though I wish you would have studied more and better.

    Ok here are some goals for this year:
    1. It's obvious, but finish and stay in school?
    2. Finish avodat gemer.
    3. Continue working out as much as I do.
    4. Write more.
    5. Draw more.
    6. Go to the acting thing.
    7. Go through your tumblr likes.
    8. Talk to M sometimes.
    9. Do more yoga, smile more, drink more water, stop stressing.

    Ok, that's about it. I'm leaving you to take care of the future. Right now, I don't know about a lot of stuff. I don't know about the army, I don't know about the future, I don't know about uni, I don't know about friends, about my sexuality, I don't know about my future career, I don't know why humans are here. I expect you have a better idea about these. But hey, time moves fast and soon I'll be reading this and things will be different and that's ok. Keep on being you. Also murder is bad. Also forget me. I want you to try and be untainted by the past. It doesn't matter what I wanted. Right now, I want to be a fighter in the army. Maybe you don't. That's ok, that's great. Do what feels right for you. My current wants don't matter. You know more. Don't let old choices and dream dictate what you truly want. And if you don't know what you want, just keep going and you'll discover eventually.

    Roni (who was supposed to start studying like 20 minutes ago) on the 5.3.15 (damn, I hope i remember to return next year).

    Oooh wait. I plan to cut my hair really short, like absurdly short. Please tell me we went through with that and that I look decent. I've always wanted short hair and I don't care that it might look horrible. Teen years are the time to make fashion mistakes. Also keep an eye out for grammar mistakes, I'm tired of fixing your grammar and spelling mistakes.
    March 5th, 2015 at 11:21am
  • bona drag.

    bona drag. (935)

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    bona drag.:
    Dear future Sean,

    X

    12th December 2013 at 7.00PM
    Dear past Sean,

    I'll make this quick. In the last year I did manage to make it through my MA dissertation and I did very well on it according to Lawrence. I did it on reflecting on modern issues of race, class, and sexuality in the British heritage film. It was an experience. I'm still working at the same place, but I was promoted from visual assistant to assistant manager, although I still do the VA stuff, I just have the authorisation to do all the admin stuff I was doing, but I don't need Alexxa to approve it for me anymore.

    I wound up dating Ben for a while last year, but we broke up after the World Cup, which Germany did win and I collected a lot of bets over that. Ben just wasn't what I wanted ultimately. We're still cool though. Misha's single because no one lives up to her unobtainable standards. She got some hypoallergenic dogs instead. Rob's in the middle of nasty divorce right now and it's been pretty draining on all us because she's pulling some fucked up shit regarding Mac, but at least the whole situation has made Paula so much more agreeable. I guess she sees it like she and Rob have a common enemy now. He's got a new girlfriend already. I'm not keen on her, but no one cares what I think.

    I didn't make it out to Leroy's grave because there was just so much going on in November. I was practically living in Vy's office. By the way, I love Vy. He's the most amazing human being. You need to dedicate a book to him in the future. Louis and I made plans to go to Leroy's grave this spring. Figured it would be nicer then anyway. In about August I think it was, Rob and I took a trip out to the old cemetery in Poland though, but we couldn't find it because Grandma led us to a (wrong) grave that fell down so I couldn't read it. I phoned up the church though and they had the record and correct plot number. His name was Franciszek. I always did love that name.

    All in all, 2014 was mostly a good year. It got pretty messy at the end there with Grandpa's health failing and my quarter life crisis that saw me revoke my PhD proposal that I sent to Charles and Sue to go half-way around the world and do something insane. But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You did say I am always onto bigger and better things.

    Nervous and excited for the future at the same time,
    Future Sean
    Dear future Sean,

    I just want to tell you that I know it's probably a lot to deal with right now and I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't fully adjusted yet. At this point, you should be in living in Wellington, working on your PhD, still trying to explain the 12 hour time difference to your mother after nine months.

    But I just want to say I do believe in what I'm doing. I firmly believe with everything that I've got that this is worthwhile and it's something that is going to make a difference. It's something important and you didn't let anyone tell you otherwise when you first started this so hold onto that and never falter.

    If you're ever feeling overwhelmed and like you cannot do this because it's just so much that you don't understand, I want you to remember that you didn't even know the word Pakeha in 2014 and laugh at that. Laugh at the fact you didn't know stuff that seems so normal to you now because I have quite a bit of a vocabulary by now and I have faith that you've learned how to form sentences (finally!) and that it makes sense. Maybe not everything makes sense, but just remember any time that you feel discouraged where you were in November 2014 compared to now.

    It's all about progress. One day at a time. Just two and half more years to go.

    So let me know how it's going. What's it been like? Where are you living? How's Louise?

    Still trying to figure out how to use 'ai' in a sentence,
    Past Sean

    5th March, 2015 at 6:45PM from London, UK
    March 5th, 2015 at 07:45pm
  • Jack Donaghy

    Jack Donaghy (450)

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    2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2014

    Dear 2014 self,

    So, I'm just going to start with the hard part: overall, you had a kind of bad year. I'm really sorry, but the doggy died in December. He could've gone worse, but, you know, it still sucked for you. Nothing really to be done about that. You just have to tough it out. Arms

    Nothing else was quite that bad, but still several shitty things: relationship with parents is kind of disintegrating due to repeated violations of trust. Saved up enough money to move out by May, but couldn't actually do it because of how impossible it is to find an apartment in this area that is a) not god-awful and b) not more than 60% of my income. The summer fucking sucked, tbh. Including your birthday ahahaha yeah. So. I don't even want to talk about it.

    However! I did finally, finally, finally sign a god damn lease. It's an apartment in a two-family house that's close to work. I'm super nervous about the awkwardness of living in someone else's house, but at least those someones are not our fucking parents, amirite? Moving in October 1.

    Other updates: Kerry won the All-Ireland. Sad Brother left & finally came back a month ago. Things are still on with the girlfriend you met...being around her is awkward as fuck, but luckily they live in a different state. Although Brother's been back here a ton while on leave which is, you know, sucky-but-okay-but-sucky. Things are great with the job, part 2 chq training was AWESOME, and in July the ESL ladies threw an anniversary party for the group and brought a ton of food and it was great. In Love Haven't had much contact with ESL student throughout the year, unfortunately, but I did meet the baby. Bought a very nice little car that I love in the spring. No babies for Sister or newlywed cousin due to sad things, unfortunately, but Sister will probably have a baby at some point. Still seeing Rae who is still lovely as all get-out. I think our relationship has improved in the last year, actually. I've really been leaning on her a lot.

    Biggest good thing that's happened in the last year is also the weirdest: I accidentally started shipping two members of a Korean boy band really, really hard.

    WAIT THOUGH, HEAR ME OUT. Here's how it happened: Around Christmas, Iz had a party and we watched a bunch of K-pop videos including Big Bang videos, and for whatever reason Big Bang was my favorite so I googled them to find a primer and the one I found said something to the effect of "GD and Taeyang are best friends, but everyone ships GD with TOP because it's funner." And I was like, Why is it funner? How could it be funner than shipping two people who trained together half their lives? OH DID YOU LEARN, SWEET INNOCENT CHILD.

    It started pretty innocuously: reading fanfiction here and there. I actually wrote a story back in January when seized by the idea of how hilarious GTOP as Abbi and Ilana from Broad City (sidebar: Broad City is amazing and I'm pumped for you to watch it) would be. It's not so good, but I hadn't completed a story in about a year so that was exciting. Still though, very casual about the ship at this point and for a few months afterwards. Then three things happened: Big Bang started a comeback, I found Ruinwyn's fics, and I came to the conclusion that GTOP is actually, legitimately real. Like...it's so real. It's so real! Seunghyun literally said he was in a relationship with Jiyong on camera...but really quietly, when he thought no one could hear. Not to mention that they keep saying/doing stuff that indicates that they like dudes and staring at each other like the sun comes out of the other's ass. It's an incredible fandom. You've never been in a fandom this blessed. Ruin is an amazing writer; one of my favorites ever now. There are also wonderful fan artists and lots of nice people, not to mention GTOP are the two most married boyfriends in the history of men.

    So all that probably sounds weird and suspect to you, 2014 self, but let me tell you something you will find legitimately exciting: I have posted six completed stories in the last year. ie, literally doubled the number of stories I have ever posted. Which is really exciting. It's exciting to be inspired. And I've actually written three more that I haven't posted because they're just not worth posting, but still! Nine! completed! stories! That's exciting. I've slowed down dramatically in the last two months because of how shitty real life is, but I'm still really pleased and proud. They're not great stories by any means, but I wrote them and they're mine. (Ours!) And hopefully every little bit of writing improves us, right? So, yeah. GTOP have been my saving grace this summer. I actually made some internet friends due to them? I mean, you know, just people I casually talk to from time to time, but it's cool!

    And actually...there kind of are hoverboards?? Okay, okay, not really, but there are these weird fucking skateboard things that people are calling hoverboards because we're desperate not to fail the standard set for us by the Back to the Future franchise.


    I think that's everything. I love you and good luck.
    2015 self.

    Dear 2016 self,
    One thing I can say is that I read over all the letters and it seems like I'm in a pattern of having one awful year and then one okay year and then an awful year again, which means I'm due for an okay year. I hope that's true. I really, really hope your apartment worked out and isn't too awkward and that you're either about to re-up the lease or have found somewhere better. I just hope you didn't have to go back to your parents' house. But if you did, that's okay. I know it feels like the end of the world, but probably it isn't. One day the sun will expand and swallow the earth, so it doesn't really matter anyway.

    I don't really want to ask you about family stuff, so instead I'll tell you that Uncle Mike just left on Tuesday, and you just today got back from your little retreat thing in Mass. Which was really lovely, by the way. I actually choked up when I was leaving because it'd been such a nice few days.

    I am kind of wondering if anyone's engaged yet... Probalby not Tray (who I just saw tonight!) because she's still in school, but...maybe Iz. Maybe even Nik. You're getting to be that age though, huh?

    And speaking of engaged...GTOP are so engaged right now. I'm assuming you're still at least sort of into them. I guess Seunghyun's doing his miltary service, though? Or leaving soon? Sad Bummer. But like...I bet they totally got married in October, didn't they? I mean, right? Ruin is a prophet. Ooo you've read the rest of WIAIY, huh?? Maybe even more stories??? I'm so jealous.

    I just hope you're okay. I still don't really feel that okay, so I really hope you're okay. I want to be okay. Fandom distractions are great and all, but I just want your real, regular life to be okay. It's been so bad lately. Like where I started to think more seriously about breaking my promise. I hope it's easier to bear for you.


    I love you. Hang in there.
    2015 self.
    September 19th, 2015 at 05:34am
  • louis tomlinson.

    louis tomlinson. (100)

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    louis tomlinson.:
    Dear Past Kara,

    Hello. How are you? This isn't a year later, it's 9 months, but I figure that's enough. I'm a junior in high school, as you've probably figured out by now, and it's going fairly well. I'm also on the varsity cheer team, which is crazy, I know. It's pretty awesome, and I feel really happy about it. You worked hard and now you deserve to be here. I promise.

    So, Mom and Dad secretly sign you up to go see a therapist again and then drag you against your will. There's lots of screaming (mostly from you) but then you meet her and realize she's cool. Her name is Lauren and she's really funny and nice. Jyll was okay, but she was for a different purpose. Anyways, so Lauren decided to put me back on anti-depressants, which I can't say I was too pleased about, but they work, so it's okay.

    What you need to realize is that there's nothing wrong with you. You're not crazy or fucked-up and you need to stop telling yourself that. You're just sad. And you know what? Grandma was depressed, too, for a while, and she never got to go to therapy or take medicine to make her feel better, so you're lucky. And guess what else? Aunt Beth takes the same anti-depressants as you. And even Dad has had a history with depression.

    You know what that means, kid? It's genetic. Just like alcoholism runs in some people's family, depression runs in ours. It would've surfaced at some point in your life, it just happened to come out a little early due to the circumstances. It's not your fault. You were twelve.

    Also, you will learn to stop feeling threatened and insecure by other girls. In fact, a good 99% of your closest friends are girls, and they're amazing. Ashley, Bridget, Paulina, Ewelina, Isabelle, Carolyn, Bailey, Lauren, Olivia, Lexi, etc., are all awesome as fuck and I have no idea where I'd be without their guidance and support.

    Oh yeah, and One Direction will be the best night of your life. Seriously. I can't remember a time when I felt more happy or content. Louis was beautiful, but you knew that. But yeah, it was incredible and wonderful and wow, it's been three years and we're still up that band's ass. Oh well.

    School is decent. We're in a Level 1 math class now, but it's fine. You're not stupid. It just goes at a slower pace and you're doing pretty well in it, so it works. Being a junior is so much easier than being a sophomore or a freshman. Don't sweat it.

    I'm feeling pretty happy right now, for the first time in about three years, and that's pretty great. So yeah. Just hang it there. It gets better and I'm living proof.

    Love you,

    Future Kara
    Dear Past Kara,

    Wow, I can't believe I remembered to check this! I'll be honest, this letter made me smile. We're doing so well compared to how we were the first 2 years of high school and I'm so proud of you.

    Senior year isn't as great as junior year, I'm sorry to tell you. AP Literature is nothing like AP Lang. Ms. Miller is just as much of a she-devil as everyone says. College apps are stressful and difficult, but you're basically done, so it's not bad. I'm just trying my best right now and it's okay. I'm surviving.

    Cheer is going well. Bridget quit, amazingly, so it'll just be you. You and Carly are basing together again, and it's great. You're gonna feel so much closer to your team this year compared to the years past. Even Hannah is starting to grow on me. Yes, it sucks sometimes, but overall you love it. Don't even lie.

    Football just ended. Senior night was emotional but nice. Danny will be your football player, and he'll ask for chocolate chip cookies every single week. He'll never tell you this to your face, but apparently they're the best things he's ever eaten. Remember when you first saw him freshman year and you had study hall with him every Friday? He's so nice and lovely (and TALL) but he's never attempted to move beyond friends and we all know I'm too scared to so that's how it shall be.

    Oh, and other Danny? He's here in the back of my mind. You'll go to ring with him, by the way, and it will be fun except Maria will come with you guys everywhere and basically hijack your night. You and her stop being friends, too. It doesn't matter anymore, and I mean that. She was willing to throw away your friendship over something dumb and trivial and that says more than enough.

    Back to Danny. He's got another girlfriend, of course. I'm trying to get over him by writing a lot of poems and convincing myself we'd never work, but honestly, I think he's just gonna be one of those people I'll never ever get over. And that's okay. He's been in your life for as long as you can remember, and he's always cared about you. Be thankful that you have someone like him on your side in the first place.

    Also, over the summer you'll go to London and Paris with the rest of the fam. It is amazing. I don't think I'll ever be happier than the time I was in London. It was just as beautiful and fucking magical as we always dreamed it would be.

    We're okay, overall. Sometimes I feel like everyone else is growing up and I'm staying exactly the same, but deep down I know it's not true. I'm doing so much better than when I first entered high school. I have a job and a car and good friends and it's a good life. You'll see it soon enough.

    Love,

    Future Kara

    P.S. Zayn leaves on March 25. Unstan immediately. Save yourself.
    December 4th, 2015 at 11:08pm
  • the optimist.

    the optimist. (100)

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    September 19th, 2014

    Dear Serena,

    Did you ever think that you would come so far? I hope you've done a lot more and stressed a lot less over the course of the year. It'll do you a world of good. Little by little I learned these sorts of things. Kind of the beauty of humanity in a way. Was Anathema great? That's a stupid question, of course they were. I'll save you the trouble. How about ProgPower USA? You did go right? Did you find any new bands this year?

    Getting a little more personal here. How about that guy you met, did anything happen with him? Did you get over it? Still think kids aren't for you? Or have you got baby rabies again? What about your job? Are you still letting everyone walk all over you? Or do you just generally not give a toss about what they think? I hope the latter honestly.

    How are you doing anyway? You didn't feel worthless again did you? You know that smug confident way you get? It comes across bitchy but honestly, that's what you need. Rinse and repeat more often, love. It'll get you places. How about the flat? Did you move after all? How's the weight loss going? Did you finally get back into those cargo pants I wanted to wear? Whatever you do, don't eat at work! If you've started again, stop! You'll thank me.

    Did you enjoy your dream vacation? I sure hope the answer is yes. I've wanted to go there since I was small. Plus my favourite band will be there. It better have been the time of your life like I always imagined and dreamed it would be. Never once did I think it would come true. Tell me how it was sometime?

    Keep your head high and when you get low, remember, don't lose sight of the music. Whatever you do, don't let that go. It helped me more than you might remember earlier this year. And I have faith it will keep you going the same as it always has.

    Take care of yourself for another year, love. You can do it. You've come this far.
    Funnily enough I almost replied to myself (though it hadn't been quite a year at the last time I saw this thread). So here we are. Over a year later.

    December 4th, 2015


    Hello Serena of the past,

    If there's anything I can say it's that things are a lot different than I remember at the time of writing this. I'll be honest and say that a lot of aspects about this year have not been good. Something about odd numbered years maybe? I guess that's a lie considering one of the best was easily 2011. But anyway I'm avoiding the questions, aren't I?

    Anathema was amazing, as if you/I expected less, really? ProgPower USA was wonderful! I got myself a gold badge which let me go to that acoustic gig after all and I saw some bands that were great. I fell in love with Riverside, you had to figure that was coming sooner rather than later. I was always trying to give them a listen. I also revisited a lot of oldies. You know the ones. Metallica, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, older U2 ... it was a nice blast from the past.

    The guy ... oh yes. Him. What can I say? He's something else. If you had told me all this was going to happen, I'd have told you that you were a COMPLETE nutter, okay? I can safely say that even though this year has not been good to me, that's been one wonderful shining light in the distance. However moving along, nope kids aren't for me. I'll be content to dote on other babies and then give them back to their parents when I've had enough or someone poops on me haha! No baby rabies despite several coworkers falling pregnant this year. And no, I'm not letting everyone walk all over me. In fact I've sort of earned a 'bitch' reputation as of late. It may not be a good thing but it does mean I've stopped being a fucking doormat.

    I'm not doing so great to be honest. I'm still suffering post-vacation/post-concert blues. Which in all honesty really fucking sucks. I didn't move, no. Long story on that. I'd rather not get into it to be honest. And nope, the cargo pants are still a no-go. I really don't know how I've done because I stopped weighing myself when I noticed that I was veering towards that tendency again. I stopped caring about the number for a while to try to get my spirits back up before trying again. Maybe next year will be the year.

    And I DON'T eat at work still! Aren't you proud? It's rubbish!

    England was majestic, love. No two ways about it. It was definitely the vacation of a life time and I'd love to go back sometime. I'm actually thinking about trying to go to Europe next year. We'll see how that goes.

    Music is my guiding light. Always and forever. It's definitely how I've made it through the year. You weren't wrong there. I just have to remind myself no matter how much I'm hating it right this minute that it's temporary and things like sitting on the floor in that lounge at the top of the ship are the moments that remind me that I am different. I have broken the cycle. I escaped. And I will never hurt anyone the way they hurt me. My life may not change the world, but I get to see it unlike my kin.
    Serena of 2016,

    I'm dead set that this will be a good year. I've already said. Albeit I said it long before I ever put a single thought into it. There's gonna be a lot of good music and good concerts this year. Make sure you get your arse to them. And who cares about the requests? Don't let that get to you. Tonight I'm missing a concert I really wanted to see because I was upset about that. That was a memory that could have been mine. Don't do it again! Okay?

    Did Anathema put out a new record this year or are they soon? How's that street team coming? Don't worry about what the other fans might think. So what, their fan base is massive in some parts of the world. Who cares? Get over what you think they might be thinking about your efforts in their tiny little brains.

    I certainly hope you haven't bothered to eat at work again. It's been a near two year affair you've had away from that rubbish. Don't start! I'll cook my arse off to ensure you don't! I really don't want to donate those cargo pants so you better work on getting back into them and NO cheating! Okay? No I don't mean cheating as in eating not so healthy stuff. I mean THAT kind of cheating. I will find some way to time travel and I WILL shank you with a spoon. It might cause a paradox but who cares?

    How about the guy? Are things good? Why or why not?

    What about the new SW album? 4 1/2? Any good? He stopped wowing me a long time ago. Still like him, but I miss the magic. I hope he's gotten that back! Let me know how Be Prog! is if you go, okay? It's gonna be in the dead of summer so be ready for that.

    I know I feel like crap tonight and I hope that this letter finds you well. I hope that you do not feel like I do now, the next time you read this. Always remember to keep the music close, keep a box of kleenex if you need it and don't be ashamed if you cry. Crying helps as much as it sucks to do. I've done my share of it and I hope to not do as much in the future but there's a lot of hurt in this heavy heart so I don't expect you to hold it all in.

    You can do it. I may not act it sometimes, but I do love you. Let me know how it all goes. Okay?
    December 5th, 2015 at 04:17am
  • florence

    florence (1000)

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    June, 29, 2010.

    Dear Future Amanda,

    First of all, has the world ended yet?

    How's mom and dad? Jack? Are you still friends with Grant? What about Jessie and Derick? Kayla? Izek? Have any new friends?

    How are you feeling? Hopefully better.

    How's the cat and the dog? Did you ever get around to buying a pet snake?

    I'd also like to know... how has the world for you changed at all? Are you still homeshooled? Has your addiction to mibba lessened at all since now? What about writing?

    What about your religious views? Or maybe just views in general? Can you say you feel older? Do you miss the old you, your old life, or are you happy with who you are now?

    What else has changed? Tell me all about it.

    Love, Past Amanda
    Dear past Amanda,

    The world hasn't ended... yet. Mom and dad are good. Pretty much the same. Jack is as loud as ever. He's a lot taller and a lot bigger now. He just bought a 140 lb workout vest and he is addicted to video games too. We're still friends with Grant, he's got a job and goes to school part time now, and they're moving to a new house! Jessie and Derick are away at college most of the time. I see Kayla maybe twice or so a year... I think we are cool that way, and we'll probably always be comfortable as friends. Izek has been MIA for a long time.

    I have a new friend named Andre who is one of the most amazing people I've ever known. A lot of new friends, actually. I'm working 3rd shift at a store now, and my feelings seem to be changing and growing all the time. It's weird how much time changes things.

    Since this last letter, I went to public school for the first time and graduated high school. Those four years were tough. But I learned a lot and I am much less shy about the world now.

    I recently posted a bit more on Mibba... my main addictions now are YouTube and Netflix and Minecraft. I started learning guitar. And Swedish. I'm pretty fluent in Spanish now too! I traveled to Costa Rica one summer, then Mexico two summers later... you probably wouldn't believe that! But I swear it's true, and traveling is honestly so eye opening and amazing.

    I still write sometimes. Maybe not as often or in the same ways but I think writing is a way to put my feeling into words and get rid of any frustration with creative expression. That'll always be there for me, I think.

    I'm not really religious. My views are agnostic mostly. I feel older for sure, and I keep feeling older every year. I still have SO much to learn... I feel like a baby sometimes still. My main thing is staying in the present moment and realizing that all things must pass, then using my time to my advantage and achieving goals that I set for myself to keep motivated in life.

    I am MUCH more happy now than I ever was, and I am glad to be me. I want to keep improving all the time though, and you inspire me more than you know. Thank you.

    Much love from me,
    Future Amanda
    PS yes I have a snake now. His name is Haku

    ~~~

    NOW

    Dear future Amanda,

    How's the family? Have any new additions been added to that?

    Who are your main friends now? Any lovers yet? Pets?
    How is guitar going? Swedish?

    How's your health doing?

    Tell me about yourself now, if you've been any new places or seen anything really new or interesting or crazy!

    Do you still feel like you are changing all the time?

    xx
    Past Amanda
    December 8th, 2015 at 05:13pm
  • Unown

    Unown (190)

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    December 14th, 2015 at 01:07pm
  • nearly witches.

    nearly witches. (15250)

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    nearly witches.:
    Victoria,

    [useless jabber here]

    All the best,

    Victoria of March 19th, 2014.
    Past Victoria,

    As we're both scatter-brain bitches and forget about things, I'm actually 21 now. It's strange and potentially concerning to everyone involved. I'm a bona-fide adult. Still not grown up, though. You know how we do. Childish until the end. I didn't move out, but I did go abroad for six months and experienced living without parents. It was much more fun without parents and it's killing me being back home.

    Second year went well, and third year was incredible. I didn't do RFM due to the exchange, and I still don't know if I can properly mix a drum kit. Oh well. That's life. The same friends are still there, although some have become distant. Those that have, though, are always up for a chat after months and will drink with you until the cows come home. And yes, Karen is still there and still as lovely as ever.

    Still can't drive, still don't own a car. And no, we're not independent and I'm still bitter about it. Did I grow up? Hellz nah, but I've realised that's not important at all. Who even cares? Still looking for a new job, but new friends at work have made it a little more bearable than it was before. And i will never stop dressing like a twat, so there's that.

    Skin as bad as ever, heavier than before. I have absolutely no self-esteem and I've bought bigger jeans. 2016 is going to be my year for changing that though. I saw myself the other day in a shirt I really liked and looked like a whale, so that's my motivation. I will lose it all this year. And the boyfriend thing is still as non-existent as ever, but as usual, I'm 100% fine with slagging around and not having one.

    I don't know about happier, but life is a little bit more stable than it was before. At least for now, anyway.

    2015 Victoria
    2016 Victoria,

    You better have lost the weight we promised to lose. I swear, if I read this back again and you've gone up another dress size, I'll be so disappointed / sad. You need to get healthy, and you need to do it now. No more Dominos every month and McDonalds every other week. Cut out the sugary drinks. Yes, Irn Bru too. Moderation is key.

    Also, learn to drive. You're 22 now and if you can't drive, that'd be pretty lame. Get your finances in order and become more of an organised person (I loathe to use the world adult) because you're going to regret being a stupid idiot in the future. Are you organised? You'd better be or I'm leaping through this screen and slapping you full across the face.

    Did you get to Turkey? I really hope so because your friends from Verbs are some of the most incredible people you ever met and you'd better be keeping in touch. Have you organised any further trips? Get saving for America, too. You'll need the money so you can go crazy at Harry Potter World.

    You're (hopefully) a graduate now, too, how does that feel? Did you get anywhere? Have you gone onto further education or are you taking a gap year to save up money? Either of those is cool, just as long as you've managed to find a job that isn't in that call centre because it's draining your soul. I hope you got to do something in the field that you trained in, though. That'd be awesome.

    I also hope you're saving like hell for that little townhouse life in Quebec or Nova Scotia. Also, how's the French coming along? I hope you've been able to actually learn another language instead of falling into the ignorant Brit stereotype of not being able to speak another language. Did you ever try out Russian? That'd be cool.

    Again, I hope most of all that you're a lot happier than I am right now. That would make me so happy, if you were getting on well in the future and had gotten rid of the issues that I have right now. That's all I want for you, to not feel like I do. ]

    Speak to you in a year, future me,

    Victoria of 14 December, 2015.
    December 14th, 2015 at 01:28pm
  • The Real Mitt Romney

    The Real Mitt Romney (250)

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    The Real Mitt Romney:
    Dear 2013 self,
    First off you don't even go by Elizabeth anymore. You generally tell people to call you Spencer, unless they're already so used to calling you Liz. Things are fine so far. Junior year was interesting I guess. You failed both of your AP exams, APUSH + AP Language and Composition 2's. Yes, you passed all of your classes with an 85. But you withdrew from college French and you actually got a 79 in Trig. Yes, you became friends with Morgan. You did lose weight actually, you went from 164 to 139. Yes, you do know what you want to major in, you're thinking of archaeology or anthropology, you like both. Miri's fine~ and yes, you never moved. Right now I have a cold but I've generally been fine. Buddhism is slow, I don't think you've made much progress. You've gone out of your way to better read up on it but you're not there yet. No, you did not visit the place in the city because you haven't gotten your license. Yes you still like kpop but you're more into khiphop! Wow, yeah, you rarely listen to kpop anymore. You really haven't touched Avenged. Yes, you still like them though.

    Life is good. You have things under control you guess. Yes, we all still get along. Your friends are Sarah and Morgan, that's about it. No you haven't had a regret yet.

    Yes, HST is still your idol.

    SHE doesn't matter anymore. No one matters. Chase dreams, not people.

    You actually got drunk off your ass and told your mom you were bisexual and Buddhist. And the next morning you told your brother like it wasn't a big deal because you assumed he knew anyway. So, yeah, you're getting there. Everything is fine right now.

    Dear 2015 self, (9/20/14 at 5:40 PM)
    Did you go to Trent? Better yet, did you even get into Trent? Are you stuck in America? Have you gotten a significant other yet? What are you majoring in? What kind of car do you have? How much do you weigh? Currently I weight 139.8. Maybe you went to Algonquin for a starter? Are you still shitty in math? Have you broken out of your shy shell? Do you still like khiphop? Who are your friends? And the family, how are they? And Miri? Right now things are fine. No one has been fighting for a good year now, money issues aren't so bad. I don't have a lot to say because we all know you prefer answering rather than listening lmfao
    No, you didn't go to Trent. You didn't even apply so, lol, no idea. No, you're still single and happily single, actually. You're majoring in anthropology and you're adding chemistry as a double major. You don't have a car. You weigh 145 right now (hello freshmen weight). I don't know if you're still shitty in math since you haven't taken a class yet. You're most definitely not as shy anymore. Yes, you still love khh. Your friends are Coco and Kyle. You and Sarah aren't friends anymore, same with Morgan. Your fam is 10/10, everyone's doing great. Miri's good.

    Dear 2016 self, (12/21/15 @ 3:51 PM)
    Are you still friends with Coco, Kyle, Alek, Nach, Khai, Claire, Kelsey, Larkin? What about Sarah and Morgan? What happened to them? Are you still single + a virgin? What are your majors? Are you still at P? How much do your weigh? Do you still dress sporty casual? Is AOMG still your fav crew? How is the fam? How is Miri? Any new pets? How is life in general? Have you been diagnosed with anything? Are you spiritual?
    December 21st, 2015 at 09:55pm
  • Heartswell.

    Heartswell. (400)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    34
    Location:
    Kuwait
    Heartswell.:
    dear future fatma,
    i'm gonna make this a little bit shorter than your older letters.
    are you someone important?
    and are you happy? (i hope you are, as in real happiness, not just fake-whatever-happy that we've had going on for the longest time.)

    i wish you all the best and hang on. and remember that you're stronger than you think.
    you'll be okay.
    i promise.

    love,
    you
    hi, old fatma,
    well, not really. to both questions. i still hate my job, though.

    thanks. i kinda need that at the moment.
    i hope.

    -25 year old fatma who's still the same and wishes something'd change

    here's to you 26 year old fatma. good luck.
    December 31st, 2015 at 07:59am
  • ironically1234

    ironically1234 (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    100
    Location:
    United States
    Dear Roni,
    Congrats you're 15 almost 16. I never thought I’d get there. Do you feel old as I always thought it would feel?
    I'm really confused right now. Did you figure it out? Am I less confused?
    Have I changed? Am I the same person?
    How about school? Are you in the new school? Is it tough? Are you still in touch with old friends? Are you truly happy? How are the Bagruit? If you're not getting straight As in the best school in the city I swear I'll toss my iPod out the window since its obviously the cause for the lack of studying. Omg you still have your iPod right?
    Are you training for the marathon? You better be!!!! How's the working out in general? You haven't given up right? You can do it!! How's the six pack and biceps? Still sore like now? I hope so!
    What's going on with you and ******? Do you still love each other? Have you finally gotten the guts to say the truth you coward?
    Do my wrists look the same? I'm really scared to read that answer. But at least you've made it to 15 and a half. Only 2 and a half years till freedom right? Smile. Stop being so depressed and hard on yourself. You are awesome and beautiful!
    Speaking of looks did you dye your hair purple and get that earring like I want? What are you wearing? Knowing me I'm still in jeans, a sweatshirt and my high combat boot right? You're still against make up right?
    How's the photography going? Did you get your amazing new camera? Is it everything you dreamed of? Did you finish the commercial and get filming with the short film?
    Im willing to bet music is still a big part of your life but what are you listening to? Last year I was obsessed with panic! Now I love them still but I'm less obsessed. Is it the same with All Time Low? How's somewhere in neverlands music video? Is jack Wendy and Alex peter pan? Please yes!! And did you get to meet them somehow? Do you still love blink and jimmy eat world?
    Did you get rid of the braces and asthma? Did you finally get a growth spurt? Is everything ok what with liat being in the army and everything? Is unwind and harry potter still your fav books? How's unsouled or untitled or whatever it's name is? Is it as good as its predecessors? Do you still over think everything? Have you finally found a place you belong? Do you still want to be a psychologist or something to do with films? Do you still curse endlessly in your mind? You've found a way to continue acting? Right? Are you and Dafna still friends? Did you get angry and punch Karen? I know it'll happen one day and I'm dreading and waiting for it at the same time. How did everyone react when they saw you're leaving(if you're leaving of course)? Are you satisfied with your life? Will you even go to mibba and read this? Do you still write? Did you finish your first fanfic? Have you found true love (not likely but still)?
    Sorry for the long rant. Ive always been talkative. Are you? ;) have an awesome life.
    Roni 8.2.13 I think.

    Dear Roni,

    I feel awkward answering this, I guess that’s the truth. I feel like you're a stranger, like you're this person who knows all about me but doesn't know me. I feel like you're this stalker who's been spying on me and is here to taunt me. These feelings don't make sense. I know they don't, but when have my feelings ever made sense? I want to hate you and make fun of you and be cruel and say the things that will hurt you. Who knows, maybe in some alternative universe you will be able to read this. I doubt it but I guess I don't care. I wonder if you could read my answers would you act differently?

    Ok I'll get over it and answer the questions. I'm just feeling unbelievably angsty today. I never thought I'd be 15 either. It feels ridiculous. Have we really lived 15 and half years? I can't even imagine living 20 years. I don't feel old. I do feel more relaxed though. My mind feels clearer, like I see better. I feel like I can read the world better.

    This literally broke my heart. I want to tell you everything will be ok, that the confusion will go away. But thats a lie, and a really suckish one at that. I'm as confused as always. I want to scream at the world. I want to break apart. But I won't. Maybe if you knew how to deal with anger, I wouldn't be who I am right now.

    Oh god you changed, but you're still the same girl with the mind of the 40 year old and the attitude of a 6 year old aren't you? Remember when Aba said it and meant it as a insult? It still remains one of the best compliments I've ever gotten, after the anon who said I remind him of Alex Gaskarth. Anyway (as usual I get off topic), you did some pretty awesome things this year, and I say awesome because some of them aren't good. You directed a opera which taught you how to be a leader, how to create. You are learning some pretty intense things in school (I'll talk about that later) and its taught you how to argue, how to see the world. You've learned your worth and you're not afraid anymore. You don't need people anymore.

    Ok school. I'm not sure if you know this or not right now but you got into the two schools you wanted. You did it. You picked one, after Liat told you "In B its obvious you'll succeed. You already have friends there, and the studies won't be too hard. Y on the other hand is a risk. It could blow over or it could be the best thing for you." You picked Y. You chose art over science and I really hope future us won't regret it. Then again, I don't believe in regret so it doesn't exist in my world. Anyway I think Y was the right choice. Its hard, I'm not going to lie. On the first day of sketching class the teacher was so nasty and cruel you felt like you were nothing, like every praise you ever received for you art didn't exist. It taught us that my art is what I see it, criticism doesn't matter. Yet you worked hard in sketch class and 2 days ago he told you how good it was and what a amazing jump you've made. The thing was, even after loads of classmates complimented you, you didn't feel proud. I guess I've made us so deaf to negativity, I can't hear positivity anymore. You're keeping in touch with Y and I. It's funny, you're better friends with Y now than you ever were. I haven't had a Bagruit yet, Roni next year will answer that. I'm not happy. I doubt I'll ever be. But I'm satisfied. You can't ask for more. Not straight As, not yet. You're getting Bs. It sucks but I will be better. This is just another challenge for me to win. My average this semester was 87. Next one it will be higher. I am sure. I will not accept anything else.

    Yes, I still have my ipod. Its cracked from tripping while running and from the caravan throwing it in the summer but it works so thats cool. I lost my entire library which means I have to get everything again ugh. Always. My lower body hurts from yesterdays workout. I ran 17km a few weeks ago (I was sick and it was project week and ugh I'm running again today) and you once ran 1:40 mins. You're training for the 10km this year because you're too young to run the half marathon. Next year though ;)

    Who's ******? I'm trying to remember bad crushes from last year so here goes: O is a jerk. You got really close in the show but he's a ass, Y (very unlikely but idk) left the school for drug use and it drove you insane you couldn't help him, E (he fits with the stars but he was never really a crush) is good, cynical as ever. If he doesn't end up in a ditch, I'm sure he'll do amazing things. I really really really hope you're not talking about M. It's fun being shallow, talking about boyfriends and imagining who you'll be with when you know it'll never happen but M is off limits. He means more than that and I hope you know that. He's your closest friend and like 3 months after you wrote this you discovered he's gay. I don't want a bf. I think I'm asexual, no labels though. I mean sure some boys are cute but I don't want to get close with anyone. Love sucks. I don't need to try it to know.

    Erm this is going to suck, writing this. My wrists are great but my thighs aren't. To put it nicely, around three or four months after you wrote this you had a pretty dark time and now you can't wear shorts. I'd like to say it was a mistake that'll never repeat itself but thats a lie. I still want to cut and starve and die. But I won't. I've learned how to control it most of the time. Drawing, writing and running never ceases to save your life. And I'm sorry. Then again in 2.5 years this won't matter. I even have a date. I'm not beautiful. I'm ok with it. But don't lie to me. I am smart, I am talented, I am funny but I am not beautiful. Stop making beauty an ideal! Instead of convincing people they're beautiful, tell them it doesn't matter. It really doesn't.

    Nope and nope. I'm too lazy for both and I like how I look right now. But yes team jeans and sweatshirts for life! You don't wear the boots too much though, idk why. I should wear them more. Not against makeup on other people, just against makeup for me and against the belief girls need makeup.

    Kind of. You got a new digital camera for the Europe trip but its not THE camera. I'm still not sure between film or digital. And yes I still love photography. The schools photography teacher is the best!

    I still love atl but yeah, a bit less. No I didn't meet them (You knew it wouldn't happen). I'm not sure if I'd want to, it would ruin who they are in my mind. Wow this year was the year I discovered so many good bands (I wonder if I'll say that next year too). Bmth, brand new, marianas trench, ymas, mayday parade, more fob, and goo goo dolls to say a few.

    I really need to go study for my history test tomorrow (aw yeah poland and greece independence). So I'll answer all the other questions really quickly;

    Did you get rid of the braces and asthma? Asthma kind of, I still get it when I have bad colds, and braces in two weeks maybe.
    Did you finally get a growth spurt? Ha. Ha. Ha. Thats a good one. Team 5'2 for life probably.
    Is everything ok what with liat being in the army and everything? She goes on thursday but I'm not worried.
    Is unwind and harry potter still your fav books? Yep.
    How's unsouled or untitled or whatever it's name is? OMFG ITS SO GOOD.
    Is it as good as its predecessors? yES IT IS! AND A NEW ONE COMES OUT NEXT SUMMER YES
    Do you still overthink everything? Yep but I'm learning philosophy and like 20 hours of art so at least I'm putting my thoughts to good use.
    Have you finally found a place you belong? I hope so but I don't think so.
    Do you still want to be a psychologist or something to do with films? Yep. Or a artist.
    Do you still curse endlessly in your mind? Fucking hell damn right
    You've found a way to continue acting? Right? Kind of. You're directing a opera this year too and you volunteer in a thingie where you teach "acting" to unprivileged kids but its not the same as being on stage. Then again, I made my choices.
    Are you and Dafna still friends? No. She ruined your life. Don't lie to yourself, when you wrote this you weren't friends with her. Old friends don't always mean good friends.
    Did you get angry and punch Karen? I know it'll happen one day and I'm dreading and waiting for it at the same time. Nope but you did realize it doesn't matter. You have like 60 more IQ points than her and it really bothers you her stupidity? Stop taunting her, you're better than that. She doesn't realize what her words can do but you and only you give them that power.
    How did everyone react when they saw you're leaving(if you're leaving of course)? Idan and Shahar just started hugging me and saying no way and everything. Idk it had to happen and I'm sure I'll be in touch.
    Are you satisfied with your life? Yep more or less.
    Will you even go to mibba and read this? No I don't think I will. Ha.
    Do you still write? A bit here and there, I want to write more but I don't have the time or focus. I will finish Audras story though.
    Did you finish your first fanfic? Yes I did and I even wrote a sequel and we're in the middle of the third one (FUCKING UPDATE ALREADY).
    Have you found true love (not likely but still)?No and I don't want to anymore.

    Yes I am. I don't shut my mouth when it comes to writing. A few months after doing this, I've started writing monthly letters to future me so I don't think I'll be writing here again but who knows? Just in case here are some questions:
    1. Are you happy?
    2. What's up with your life now?
    3. What's changed this year?
    4. How's school and running and everything?
    5. What do you believe in?
    6. What do you think about me?
    7. How's the family and friends etc?
    8. What did I get in History?

    Thats it for now, hello history test stress (i think my mom just made chocolate cake ^-^) Have a amazing year, don't do drugs (unless you really want to I guess), stay in school (unless it becomes too much), and be you because you're the best you can be (that made no sense but it sounds inspirational so ok).

    Roni 8.2.14 (I suspect this wasn't the date I wrote the original one but ok)

    Damn, three years. That's a long time. I still remember writing the original one on Hanukkah break and then last year writing during a break from studying in project week. Yes, we still do the monthly letter but come on, I love talking to myself. I'm not going to give up on another opportunity. It's kind of pointless to really answer all the questions since I already have the answers. Come on, we know now about the new camera (amazing) and the new and last unwind book (even more amazing). Of course we discovered more bands, who are you kidding? Twenty one pilots, the front bottoms, la dispute, citizen, real friends, and more I'm too lazy to check. And hey, yes, we're sore! Abs from yesterday, upper body from before that, and calves from when I took Moka down and did 60 thingies. Also hopefully, today we're going to go running.

    I feel guilty about the acting thing because yes, I do want to continue acting. I'm planning on joining the acting group in my old school (you should know what I'm talking about) as well as going to more shows in the theater. I hope we did that, 17 year old me. I guess that's in my control though. I don't have any time and trying to squeeze in a few hours of acting is hard. I do miss being on stage and directing just isn't the same.

    I swear, we will finish Audra's story. We finished the 30 day challenge, an opera, and wrote 51,000 words in NaNoWriMo (overachieving as usual). This summer, I'm planning to edit that as well as work on the avodat gemer. Hopefully, we finished both. Next years NaNo I'm going to work on Audra's story and finally finish it.

    Lately, I'm losing a lot of confidence in my work. I mean, I love art in all and every form of it. I do do things that I feel are meaningful, at least to me. Lately, I'm terrified of the thought that the stuff I do doesn't connect with anyone else but me. It's great that I take a picture that I love and I feel says something but what's the point if no one else understands? On the other hand, art that everyone understands immediately doesn't really have a point. I just, I look at other great artists and I feel ashamed for even trying to pick up a pencil. Felix Nussbaum has the power to make me cry in a museum with a few colors and I'm trying to fool myself into believing that I can do the same to someone else?! Anyway, I'm assuming now, if all goes well, that you're working on your final presentation so you probably feel like you know what you're doing. I mean, I hope so. Trust yourself and your instincts and things should work out ok.

    I'm just going to answer the questions now, ask a few of my own, and set some goals. Then, on to studying for citizenship (go 5 rules for a democracy)!

    1. Are you happy? Dude, are you kidding? Life is full of bad and good, of happy and sad. We just do our best. Things are going well as of now. I'm not unhappy, at least for now. I'm just living life and doing my best under these conditions. I'm trying and that's what matters. Happiness isn't a thing you can say you have, you own. Happiness is small moments that make you grateful that you're alive to experience them. And yes, I have plenty of those moments.

    2. What's up with your life now? Lemme see. I'm in bed right now, listening to ADTR's I'm Made of Wax, Larry, What Are You Made Of. It's Purim break (do you have a costume this year?) and I plan to study as well as read the stuff for literature. Yesterday I was lazy so I skipped school. I fell on my knee, ice skating with Idan, Yael and Maya and I'm terrified I won't be able to run today. That's about it. I'm working on my avodat gemer loads (15 pages heck yeah) and crying even more (DAMMIT FELIX AND CHARLOTTE YOU GUYS ARE GODDAMN ADORABLE I LOVE YOU I DONT CARE IF YOU DIED 60 YEARS AGO I WANT TO HUG YOU AND THE SAD AWAY). I've finally found a way to run and work out as much as I want which is wonderful. I'm lifting stuff in the school gym and omg I'm even working on my upper body for once. I'm terrified of the next three weeks, because I have three tests in each week. Still, then comes passover and then, after the hell that will be Bagruit, summer!

    3. What's changed this year? Mm, a lot and nothing in the same time. I think I'm better at art. I'm definitely more hard working and I'm getting closer to my goals. I'm more confident and more myself. I'm not as afraid to speak my mind. I'm still as awkward as ever so that's good. I'm doing loads of yoga and everyone knows yoga is happiness. I know more. Like literally, I have more knowledge of the world and I'm getting to the realization that I don't even know how much I don't know.

    4. Hows school and running and everything? School is ok. One more year. I'm getting decent/good grade. From a 40 in math, I got a 87 and that's something to be proud of. I hope we did ok in math. I ran a kilometer in 7 minutes. I'm getting back in shape and I really want to be a fighter in the army, so it's pretty important I be in good shape.

    5. What do you believe in? God. Yes. We found our faith again, if we ever lost it. I believe in something. I believe in whatever out there that make me want to get out of bed each day. I believe in whatever makes people want to laugh and joke and be. I believe in the future and the past. I am trying to believe in the present. I believe in beauty, in art, in madness, in utter lack of logic, in spontaneity, compassion and pure evil, in passion and time, in hard work, in creativity, in instincts, in this world. in I believe we are lost souls and that truth is subjective and that there is truth in all things. I believe that Judaism is the most beautiful religion that exists, philosophically wise. I also want to reach the Christian level of compassion, the level of bad ass that exists in Satanism and the level of spirituality that exists in Buddhism. I want to read the Quran, just haven't had the time yet.

    6. What do you think about me? Meh. You're ok. You need to realize you're not the only one in the planet. Care about other people, dammit. It doesn't matter they don't care about you. Stand up for yourself. You want something, say you want it. You're not okay with something, speak up. Do what you love. You like running. You like acting. You like yoga. So why the hell don't you do those things? You are letting teacher brainwash you into believing grades are the most important thing. You are forgetting you are a human and you deserve a break too. You are pressuring yourself and ,if I remember correctly, are a giant ball of stress and tears. Or you do nothing. You just stare at Tumblr all day long, cause who cares, school doesn't matter. No. Find the gray. Find the land of between, where you work hard but you also make time for yourself. Also, learn how to accept feelings. It is normal to be sad and angry.

    7. How’s the family and friends etc? Great. Me and D are having problems. I hope all is ok nowadays. I liked our friendship but she fucking hurt us. Me and M haven't spoken in a while and I swear, I will speak to him today. I'm still friends with G, despite everything. I don't know if that says something about me or her. I'm feeling lonely but that's ok because who needs people when you have cats.

    8. What did I get in History? Um 85? 88? Something like that? We were fine, though I wish you would have studied more and better.

    Ok here are some goals for this year:
    1. It's obvious, but finish and stay in school?
    2. Finish avodat gemer.
    3. Continue working out as much as I do.
    4. Write more.
    5. Draw more.
    6. Go to the acting thing.
    7. Go through your tumblr likes.
    8. Talk to M sometimes.
    9. Do more yoga, smile more, drink more water, stop stressing.

    Ok, that's about it. I'm leaving you to take care of the future. Right now, I don't know about a lot of stuff. I don't know about the army, I don't know about the future, I don't know about uni, I don't know about friends, about my sexuality, I don't know about my future career, I don't know why humans are here. I expect you have a better idea about these. But hey, time moves fast and soon I'll be reading this and things will be different and that's ok. Keep on being you. Also murder is bad. Also forget me. I want you to try and be untainted by the past. It doesn't matter what I wanted. Right now, I want to be a fighter in the army. Maybe you don't. That's ok, that's great. Do what feels right for you. My current wants don't matter. You know more. Don't let old choices and dream dictate what you truly want. And if you don't know what you want, just keep going and you'll discover eventually.

    Roni (who was supposed to start studying like 20 minutes ago) on the 5.3.15 (damn, I hope i remember to return next year).

    Oooh wait. I plan to cut my hair really short, like absurdly short. Please tell me we went through with that and that I look decent. I've always wanted short hair and I don't care that it might look horrible. Teen years are the time to make fashion mistakes. Also keep an eye out for grammar mistakes, I'm tired of fixing your grammar and spelling mistakes.

    I am in love with this. I returned to mibba after about a year and a half of absence because of these letters. It's truly amazing to see myself grow up. I love how I stay the same yet slowly grow into my habits and passions. I’m not worried about the future anymore because I think I finally trust myself to just deal with it as it comes. My stress doesn’t do anything.
    So me? I’m listening to Ryan Cassata’s Alone (he’s so incredible, I can’t wait for his album!), I’m supposed to study for the huge Math Matkonet that’s in three days (shh, I’m in denial), in about fifteen minutes I’m off to the acting thing (yes, we went to it), I’m still wearing jeans and an old sweatshirt so that’s good, and I’m procrastinating as usual.
    I’m not quite sure what to tell 18 year old us. Damn. Damn. You’re old. I hope you’re happy, that you’re looking for those moments and fighting for them. Happiness is a choice, it really is. Make the choice to be positive and you will be happier. It’s easy to complain, it’s easy to be negative, make the choice to love life. Don’t take everything so goddamn serious, no one has ever proven any of this matter more than what we make it.
    So about our goals:
    1. It's obvious, but finish and stay in school?
    On it. 85 more days! So far, haven’t failed anything (maybe math in three days (shh don’t joke about that)). It’s bittersweet. I’m in love with my school and the people around me but I’m also excited for the future (And scared). Time flows by and I’m going to enjoy every moment until it ends.
    2. Finish avodat gemer.
    Yep. Done that. Send it to a competition but I don’t think our chances of winning are too high. Trying not to think about it. I didn’t get a grade yet though so it’s scary. There are definitely things I would have done differently (MOUS for example) but all in all, I’m proud of us for finishing it. It was a learning experiment that I’m glad we did.
    3. Continue working out as much as I do.
    Ran a half marathon this month! It was amazing! Also, we’ve managed to run a km in 6 minutes.
    4. Write more.
    Working on that. I did nanowrimo this year too (second time winning!). I’m editing it now, which has proven to be harder than I ever thought it would be. Hopefully, you’re done with that. It’s okay that it’s shitty, the only way to improve is by writing incredibly shitty things until they get better. Right now, I’m getting over the discovery that my characters might be simultaneously very flat and contradictory to their own qualities (right, James is a follower yet suddenly changes himself with no character arch?! It takes time to become brave.) Venture needs to be lighter and more annoying. Kean has a character, I promise. The writing is just shitty. I hope things are better now.

    1. Draw more.
    Don’t remind me. As of now, I am doing okay with my oil paints but I have absolutely nothing in photography and multimedia. I’m hoping to work on that today but I’m just so stressed that I can’t think of anything creative and all my ideas are withering up and dying. Hopefully, this changes soon. I did draw more this year I think. I became that person that wanders around all day every day with a sketchbook.
    2. Go to the acting thing.
    Yep! We did! It’s really fun. I will admit that I despise my character. I love the play, the people with me, and the director but I hate my character. I’m learning so much about directing and acting but as an actress, I don’t think I’m learning too much. I’m trying to love my character but something inside me just screams “NOO I CAN’T STAND HER, SHE’S HORRIBLE.” Maybe if I had more text or room I could have fallen in love but right now, I can’t see that happening. I wonder if that’s changed for you. Maybe in a few weeks I’ll suddenly understand how to bring this character to the stage while making the audience sympathize with me. Everyone’s going to hate her and I’m not even sure I’ll get the chance to make the audience love her, especially if I hate her. Still, yesterday we improved. I am willing to bet anything that you’re not in touch with anyone there and I wish things were different.
    3. Go through your tumblr likes.
    This has appeared on so many of my to-do lists. That’s kind of sad. One day. I haven’t been on tumblr for ages.
    8. Talk to M sometimes.
    You should be more grateful there’s someone on this planet that understands you as well as he does. We’re still in touch, I’m so proud of him.
    9. Do more yoga, smile more, drink more water, stop stressing.
    This is incredibly easy to say. I’m trying.
    What can I say to 18 yo us? I’m having trouble picturing her. I suppose you’re in the army, making videos. I hope they’re nice and you feel comfortable. I’m really scared of feeling like I don’t belong or being forced to do stuff I don’t believe in. People like me don’t work well in places that demand obedience and discipline. I’m going to suffer silently until I inevitably become miserable or argue with everything until everyone will hate me. I hate being a leader and that’s what that job is going to demand. There’s a part of me that still thinks it’s all a joke, a huge mistake. There’s no way that I could have gotten accepted when there are thousands of talented experienced people who are passionate and could do a better job than me. (Note to self: must work on my horrible self esteem).
    Goals for next year: Next year is such a mess, I don’t know anything about it. It’s hard to see. New beginnings are always scary and this is no exception.
    1. Marathon! If you have time to train properly, I think that could be our next challenge. I got so annoyed after our gym teacher told me I’d be a better runner if I lost weight and that I should be scared of knee problems. If I chose to lose weight, it’ll be because I want to. Right now, I’m able to do everything I want. So there’s a part of me that wants to prove I can do it. I can run an entire marathon without needing to go on a diet or lose weight. If not, I’d like us to keep running distance and maybe participate in a few more half marathons? I don’t know what the army will be like so I’m not raising my expectations about training.
    2. Be the world’s philosophy champion! I’m just joking. It’s crazy we’re the national champions. Like we are actually going to represent our country in a philosophy Olympiad. How did this happen? I’m not expecting a win because come on, how can my knowledge compare to some genius from Finland or something who’s been studying philosophy forever? Still, I want to come prepared and I expect from us to arrive at Belgium feeling like I know what I’m talking about. This is another thing I can’t believe is real. Me? Win at nationals? This has to be a mistake, I don’t feel ready yet.
    3. Keep in touch with people! This is a tough one. I know we suck at this. But you’ve made some amazing friends and knowing you, none of them will last because you don’t know how to keep texting people or how to actually call people back. This will lead to you losing all your friends.
    4. Acting! I really want to find a way to continue acting. I’m thinking about participating in a few student films over the summer. Other than that, I don’t know how we’ll continue acting. All I know is that I love acting and really want to continue doing it in some way. Also, tell me you were active in the teen theater group thing? Right now, I’m too busy but during the summer, I really want us to be active and show up loads.
    5. Stay fluid! I’m finding it difficult to articulate exactly what I mean by staying fluid. Don’t stick to one idea or ideology. Stay flexible. Don’t dry with one opinion. Keep an open mind. Remember, truth can be found everywhere, you just need to listen. It’s so easy to find one world view and stick with it. Don’t. Keep growing and learning. Don’t stop molding your mind, don’t stop changing your mind. Remember it’s okay to believe both in capitalism and in communism, there’s nothing wrong with never picking a side. If you find yourself sticking to a belief, talk to someone who believes the opposite and understand why they think that way.
    6. Confidence! It’s incredibly easy for us to think “I suck at everything, everyone is better at this than me, I’ll never be as good as them”. Lately I’ve found myself thinking, “ugh, no one here knows what they’re doing, I could have done a better job than them, I’m so much more deeper than those idiots”. Both of these are wrong. You need to find a middle ground. I’m struggling with that. Accept that you’re great and so is everyone else and dammit, not everything is a competition, you’re not waging a one woman war against literally everyone. Find confidence but run away from arrogance. Remember that just because you’ve studied in a certain school or gotten accepted to a certain role (you know exactly what I’m talking about), you’re not smarter or more talented or better in any way than anyone else on this planet. It’s easy to think that just because I can recite Shakespeare or know what the Stoics thought about death, I’m suddenly smarter than a person who can’t and that is such bullshit and you need to stop. There’s a huge difference between being privileged and educated and being smart. It’s not the same and it’s not a competition. In the same vein, you need to remember what you’re worth. You have something to say. You’re here for a reason. You’re doing your best and that’s enough. Everything is working exactly the way it should. This balance is hard but you’ll find a way. I know eventually we’ll have a normal self-esteem without mentally stomping on everyone else.
    7. Deal with regret! Find acceptance! Right now, I’m beginning to see paths unraveling. People around me are making choice about the future. I’m making choices. I’m not going to be a fighter probably. I’m sorry. I know we wanted to be a fighter, hell, I still want to. But we also said we’ll be what the army tells us. We got accepted to that place where we didn’t think we would. Only a small bunch of people get accepted apparently. It’s meant to be a great “career move” and more assorted lies adults like to spew. I know it’s meant to be a great experience but dammit, I wanted to be sweaty, I wanted to be tired, I wanted to suffer, I wanted someone to show me I am limitless. So deal with regret. Accept we’re making choices. You can’t do everything. So you make choices. It’s really for the best. Think what if hurts us. So don’t. In the time I’m writing this, I could have gone to that party, I could have gone running, I could have watched TBBT with my brother and I could have continued studying Nietzsche’s stuff. I’m making the choice to write this. That’s how time works and you need to accept it’s impossible to do literally everything, choices need to be made.

    In response to some stuff you wrote, yes, I did cut my hair. It was super short and it was awesome! Before joining the army, I’m going to cut my hair again (at least that’s the plan). I want to cut it super short, as a sort of small fuck you to the idiotic army rules that force all girls to tie up their hair. Right now, I have a dream to get tattooed for my 18th b-day. I wonder if that’ll happen. I really hope so but idk.

    D is a horrible person. I don’t mean that. I’ve always wondered what a break-up tastes like. I think I have a pretty good sense of that now. She was absolutely horrible to us but after a few really melodramatic poems, about two months of depression (not just her fault tho), and a sketchbook that’s basically dedicated to her, we’re over it. I always knew I’m sensitive but I didn’t think I’m that sensitive. She was cruel but I could have handled it better. Did I tell her she can go to hell in the end of the year? Did we talk? Or did she just disappear? Will I ever understand what happened? Or maybe one day I just won’t care because she’ll be a figure in my past?

    So about art, I’m struggling. I’m still full of doubts but I also love this world. I love art so much. I love how art makes me feel. I love disappearing into books and plays. I love that sinking feeling in my stomach when I see a strong piece of art. I love admiring the genius of some works, how stories spiral and characters unfold, the wit of acting, the perfection of some paint strokes. Maybe I’m not right for this world but that doesn’t mean I can’t love it. My final presentation is difficult right now. I’m scared I’m doing a horrible job. I need to get over it and just fucking do something. Ask me again about it in two months.

    My sexuality is a mess and I’m coming to terms with that. It’s okay. Maybe now you’re in a relationship with a guy and you’re okay with sexual stuff. Maybe it’s a girl. Maybe it’s a nonbinary person. Maybe you’re not okay with the sexual stuff. Either way, it’s okay. You already know that it’s okay but I thought I’d remind you because I know how people pressure us to define ourselves but sometimes heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual, pansexual, and demisexual aren’t enough for me to find myself. Hopefully, you’re active in the community.

    We still didn't read the Quran. I still have asthma (if you have asthma tho, the doctor will be a dirty liar). I didn't finish Audra's story and in all honesty, I don't want to and I think I won't. It's not worth your time.

    I still can’t believe how old we are. You fucking did it. If you’re reading this, you survived. Till 21 right ! You’re going to be okay. I am full of doubts and fears and if you’re anything like me, you’re probably feeling the same. Let them fuel you. Be kind. Let kindness fuel you. Be soft. Dance through this cruel world. Don’t let any of them harden you. Let yourself be naïve, let yourself believe in the good of people, let yourself be young and foolish. We’ve earned it. Think about me from time to time? Think about how we stood in front of crossroads, how we waged a war against dragons that were actually just our classmates and doubts. Think about how we were the dancing queen (surprisingly, I did quite a bit of dancing this year. I actually reached the point that I don’t have a problem dancing in front of a crowd, as long as I’m in character). I hope everyone around you is okay and surviving (super worried about Liat now).

    So I suppose we’re reaching the end of this little letter. I love this. Till next year!
    Roni 1.4.16 (April Fool’s Day) I am really late so future me should open this in the middle of March. Also, how'd my run today go?
    April 1st, 2016 at 03:57pm
  • the reverend.

    the reverend. (100)

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    the reverend.:
    Dear future future Sami,

    You're currently almost twenty, jesus christ doesn't that sound scary? It's funny, this Sami did remember to reply back, I wonder if you will, too.

    Well, you seem to be going up and down a lot right now. Kinda lost within yourself and work related business. You still haven't made it to California, but maybe by the next time you read this you will have. The tattoo career is going fantastic, your apprenticeship started in Jan 2013 and hopefully you're done by the next letter. You've currently tattooed your mum, sister, your friend and let's not forget yourself! that was one hell of an experience. One I'd rather not live through again, thanks very much. You better not make that happen, future future Sami. "You'll be a different person." oh, past Sami, you do make me chuckle... you are exactly the same besides the added tattoos. I wonder if you'll be different next time? I highly doubt it. The exams went to shit. Let's not discuss it. The answer to that is no, what about you future future Sami? Hahaha, yes. duh. I mean, what do you do besides work and twitter? you draw and spend everyday in the house crying over boybands. Yep, boybands... M is doing well as we speak, she's talking and even has full sentences, I'm sure now that she's almost three, she would have progressed even further. She's probably writing sentences rather than speaking them. Her first word was your name, can you believe it? that was an emotional day... And W... no. He never did get better...

    You have tattoos. No more piercings just yet, maybe the next Sami will tell us if more have been added. Oh yeah, Avenged Sevenfold still mean everything to you right now, but who knows about the future! You're kinda pissed though, you have to admit, that their UK tour is no dates in your country. It's pretty shit. Hahah and guess what you little shit, you love One Direction. Yeah, One Direction. How the fuck it happened I'll never know, but you're buying tickets to see them next year, June 3. And future future Sami will have to be the one to tell us all about it! So, future future Sami, time to ask you some questions: How's the tattoo career this time around? Have you qualified yet and earning some money? Are you any different this year? How are your swag levels, any higher? I'm kidding. What kind of person asks that, oh yeah, almost 19 year old you. The goofy one. You know this stupid boyband has changed you a lot in a nice kinda way, I hope the concert went well, did it? Did you meet them? WHAT DID THEY SAY? And what about your first love, Avenged Sevenfold, did they come back to your country? I'm sure you've forgiven them by now... It's too difficult to be pissed at them for long. Actually as you type this you are smiling and looking at your picture of Brian and thinking that he's such a lovable doofus. Why you chose to look at Brian just now I don't know, but yeah whatever. You have work tomorrow and it's currently half one in the morning. Get to sleep.

    Peace out,
    Past Past Sami
    Dear past past past 'Sami'.

    Sorry it's been two years, sweetheart. I forgot all about you.

    Let's just start with 2014 first since I missed writing for last year. Well. You went to see One Direction. Queued for 7 hours in the hot, June sunshine to get front row. You fell in love with Niall even more than you were already. Louis gave you a wave. After that you saw Kings of Leon. Again you got front row. It was an amazing concert (it was hard to admit at the time, but definitely the best you've ever seen.) and Avenged Sevenfold? Well, no. They didn't come back, and you barely listen to them anymore anyway. Which sucks. But they're too much of a reminder - not exactly a good one, either. Anyway, let's rewind a bit: in May you downloaded Tinder. It wasn't until July you found someone you actually liked. He was kinda average looking, but had the most beautiful blue eyes. Let's call him S. He had a great sense of humour, and liked all the same bands or television programmes as you. When you facetimed for the first time, you instantaneously fell in love with him. Just like that. He was the most amazing, charming, beautiful person you ever knew. He understood you in every way, and you'd do anything for him. He had a great smile, and a laugh that could make even the saddest people smile. He really was something. At least for a while, anyway. You two spoke for about a year before he decided that long distance wasn't for him and he'd found a girl where he lived. Understandable, but at the same time you were crushed. Absolutely heartbroken. You genuinely felt so much love for this guy that you couldn't ever imagine yourself being with someone else. He was your everything and now he was gone. So anyway, not much else happened in 2014. Now onto 2015.

    As I was saying before, you two spoke closely until July 2015. A year after you started everything. Let's forget about him... You turned 21 (I know right?!) in August. Mother and yourself went to Glasgow, went shopping and stayed in a hotel. It was probably one of the better birthdays you can recall. You downloaded tinder again eventually, had some on and off conversations with guys. Sometimes girls. But nothing really lasted until you found this one guy in November. He also had beautiful blue eyes. And a great sense of humour. How lucky were you to find two with the things you love most! He even has freckles. Everywhere. You didn't know that at the time, but yup, they're everywhere. Christmas Day wasn't so good - normally it is. This time you were hungover. You'd been sick all through the night and well into Christmas morning. Mother, your sister, niece and nephew, and your dearest Gran spent Christmas together like always. You sat across from Gran at the table, when you stopped eating dinner from feeling sick, she took one look at you and joked, "You won't be doing that again anytime soon." Even now you can hear her voice saying it. Don't let that voice leave you.

    Onto 2016. This letter is passing faster than I thought it would, to be honest. But this might just be the worst part. I'm sorta dreading writing it.
    It started off pretty good. That last guy I'd mentioned that you started speaking to in November? You were still talking. Decided to meet at the start of February. When you saw each other, you ran to him and he picked you up. Kissed you on the lips. It was like something from a movie. Two years ago you'd never dream of doing something like that - you'd say it was embarrassing or "cringe". You spent three days together initially, and in that time he asked you to be his girlfriend. There was only one possible answer: yes. Things were going great for you, until you passed your tattoo apprenticeship. Let's just say you're colleagues weren't the best. So following your dearest Gran's advice, you quit. Walked out. Done.

    Now March. This is where it really gets hard. 6 March, you visited Gran like you did everyday. But this day was Mother's Day, so you and Mother brought gifts. Mother was taking her out for a special lunch a bit later - just them two - so wanted to give the gifts first. I'm thankful she did. We left about 2, since mother and Gran were going to get ready for their lunch at 3. The time came and mother headed off. Not even 2 minutes later you received the worst phone call in your life. Mother was in hysterics, you could barely understand what it was she was saying. All you could make out was, "there's something wrong" before the phone went dead. There was something wrong. Very wrong. The next time you saw Gran, that same day, only a few hours later than the last time - she was a different person. She'd taken a stroke and it was bad. Really bad. There was nothing doctors could do and it was simply a waiting game. 23 hours later - she was gone. Just like that. When the day before, at the time she passed, she'd been sitting at the table laughing with you about your boyfriend and how she couldn't wait to see him again. And now she was gone forever. The funeral happened that Friday and you read out a speech - I still don't understand how you managed that. The rest of the day was bit of a blur through your tear filled eyes.

    It's been over a month now. This is when it sinks in and becomes real. It's now you realise you're never going to see her again. It makes you angry at everything for taking her away; she was the only person that always knew what to say and how to fix everything. The only one that made it okay. Now there's no one to do that Sad you'll get through it, Samantha, but take your time. Right now there's so many emotions, and it doesn't make a lot of sense, but one day you'll cope with this pain.

    Let me know how you're getting on.
    Much love,
    Samantha (yep, you go by this now.)
    Written April 22nd at around 5am. Get to sleep.
    April 22nd, 2016 at 06:06am
  • n. josten

    n. josten (1270)

    :
    Ghoul of 2016
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    kaz brekker:
    September 18th, 2014

    Dear 2015 Fae,

    You're twenty now. Have you settled into that age yet? Did nineteen ever stop feeling weird? Is twenty even weirder than eighteen was? It probably is. I still have about eleven months to go and I already feel weird. But god, I hope not because it took us almost a year to settle into being eighteen. You're not a teenager anymore. I hope it's easier to deal with that than eighteen. At least you were still a teenager then. Now you're "growing up" and well, fuck, I hope you're doing something with your life.

    How was Halloween? Did you get that DSLR camera finally? I hope you're pursuing your photography dream better than I am right now. I hope you've taken bigger steps. Did you go to that workshop in NC in February?

    Did you stop being such a fucking coward like I am right now?

    Things are kind of twisted right now, where I am, and I'm not sure when it's going to change but all I can hope is that at some point, it does change from now to next year. I have fear induced commitment issues and I can't give a girl that's always there unconditionally what she wants and deep down, I want it, too, but I am so scared. I am so terrified. I hope you aren't. I hope you overcame these fears and I hope you're with her or you at least tried again because she deserves it and so do you, but I don't. Nothing is right and I play pretend a lot. Some days are better than others, but I hope that for you, good days are more than few and far between.

    I don't know what's to come of you or for you, but I hope things are so much better than they are right now. I hope you bounce back from this like we bounced back from 2012 and 2013, and in comparison to those times, this time isn't nearly as bad so surely you bounced back. I hope things are just better. I hope everything got better.

    Also: Did you cry when you watched The Hobbit: There and Back Again? I hope you got to see it in theaters like you did this/last year.

    But despite everything, I love you. You can only improve, take from this and learn, and if I can love myself right now in all the bullshit, then I love you, too. I hope you aren't disappointed in me when you read this. I'm trying so hard for you.

    With much love,
    2014 Fae
    It's been longer than a year, oops.

    Dear past (and ish) Fae,
    Last May, you went to Savannah with Nana and it was like a dream, and just a couple months of ago, you went down to Florida and photographed a wedding for your aunt—that wasn't like a dream (and actually not at all what you pictured), but it was nice anyway. It was the beginning to something great hopefully. Things aren't as weird as they were when you wrote that letter.

    Turning twenty wasn't as strange as you thought it was going to be. Saying that I'm twenty isn't weird or a big deal. I don't really miss being a teenager. Twenty-one is going to be as weird as eighteen, though. Everyone's talking about how big of a deal it's going to be and I really don't want it to be.

    I don't honestly remember Halloween, so I guess it was okay. And yeah, I did get that DSLR camera for Christmas and it's been amazing.

    I tried again with her, I really did. I really gave it my all, but it didn't work in the end. I think maybe there was still some fear, but I gave it almost a year and things just...didn't work the way we wanted them to. We're not talking much either, but her birthday just passed and I recently tried to talk to her like we used to, as my best friend. It's not really a consistent thing though and I don't know if it will be.

    Also: Yes, I wept like a fucking baby in the middle of the theater.
    June 2nd 2016

    Dear 2017 Fae,

    Things are sorta weird right now, which I'm starting to see is a reoccurring thing with us. I think it's still the fact that I'm lost; I don't really know what I'm doing yet and it seems like everyone else does. I'm actually scared of turning twenty-one because then I'm another year older and not really any closer to knowing anything. So I really hope that maybe you're closer to finding something or have found something.

    Relationships are a really gray area for me right now. I'm learning how to just be okay on my own after so many years of total fuckery because of my dumb "issues", so I hope you're actually doing more confidently than me and that you're actually loud (well maybe not this one so much) and proud about who you are. I'm still kinda hidden about it, I guess. (And I really hope that you moved past what happened during The Break-Up because it wasn't anyone's fault, but I know it hurt. God, I know it hurt because it still does but I really hope it's over.)

    I hope you have a relatively normal sleeping schedule, but chances are, you probably don't because we always manage to mess it up around the summertime because oh look, no responsibilities.

    And I kinda hope that you said fuck it and preordered that book, despite what mom and dad will definitely think.

    I don't have much to hope for when it comes to you. Not because I'm pessimistic, but just because what I want right now is simple (in the grand scheme of this letter, not real life). So here's to hoping.

    And maybe I won't forget to come back to this until a year and a half later.

    Sincerely,
    2016 Fae
    June 2nd, 2016 at 04:22pm
  • Heartswell.

    Heartswell. (400)

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    Heartswell.:
    hi, old fatma,
    well, not really. to both questions. i still hate my job, though.

    thanks. i kinda need that at the moment.
    i hope.

    -25 year old fatma who's still the same and wishes something'd change

    here's to you 26 year old fatma. good luck.
    26 year old fatma here.

    this'll be a two-in-one special.

    1) hi 25 year old fatma.
    i still hate my job. i'm sorry i'm not what any of you old fatmas wanted me to be, i don't know what to do anymore. i'm still hoping, but not much.

    who knows? this might be the year you actually do something useful.

    2) dear 27 year old fatma,
    you're probably too old for this, but i'm sure you'll probably check here sometime next year because you miss it.
    hope you're feeling better than i am. hope you're okay. make me proud.

    love,
    fatma

    p.s. watch cowboy bebepo and all your damn anime already.
    August 11th, 2016 at 10:44pm
  • Jack Donaghy

    Jack Donaghy (450)

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    2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2015

    Dear 2015 self,

    I wish I could tell you it's been an okay year, but it hasn't, really. It was great moving out; that's definitely a huge improvement, but I've been feeling so bad for so long and I can't even sleep anymore. It's really hard. I started seeing a psychiatrist but things have only improved by a tiny margin. I haven't been able to properly take care of myself. The apartments a mess and I'm 90% a vegetarian because I can't be bothered to cook anything. I just eat snacks for dinner. It's shit. I don't like it. It's been really hard.

    There have been some good things though. The most significant is that sister is pregnant and due in December, which is really exciting for everyone. For me, I've become pretty close to some internet peeps in GTOP and even met internet people in real life which was wild. I've written a few fics since this time last year, so that's nice. I also went on the big family trip to Ireland for Easter; it was rough but not terrible. I'm having a hard time writing this because when I look back on the last year it's pretty bleak.

    Yesterday was the day Jiyong's private IG was hacked(??) and made public for about an hour and now everyone's freaking out that he's dating Nana. Lots of conspiracy theorizing because a few days ago Seunghyun made a post asking for privacy from people hanging outside his house and ringing his doorbell and it became a *controversy* because Chinese fans took it as a passive aggressive insult?? Crazy. idk. Still very much in that fandom, but trying to set boundaries, especially with internet people. It can be difficult, but I've met some really lovely people.


    Good luck,
    2016 self

    Dear 2017 self,
    Objectively I know you've been through some big things: a terrifying presidential election! becoming an aunt! maybe some engagements??, but even though Donald Drumpf might be your president right now, I don't really know what to say to you. I don't have any questions that I'm excited to get answers to. The future just seems like a long, grey haze. I can't imagine anything particularly good has happened to you, and even if it has, it's just a minor distraction for the general shittiness of being you.

    I hope something good has happened to you and I hope you feel better than I do right now. If something extra shitty has happened, I'm sorry about that and I hope we got through it okay. Just try to take care of yourself. I know how hard it is, but we just have to keep trying to do our best and be patient until our day comes.

    Maybe, maybe, maybe our day will come before you can see this. It has to come some day.


    I love you; hang in there.
    2016 self.
    September 19th, 2016 at 01:06am
  • swell

    swell (150)

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    Australia
    Dear 2017 Alex,
    I hope you have a full time job by now or you're travelling or you're getting your grad dip / masters. It'd be nice if you met someone but it's not a priority, you being your best self is who you should continue to be without letting anyone threaten that or get in the way. I really hope you haven't fallen off the wagon in terms of gym or work or boys (you know the boy I'm talking about, THE BOY - notice how I say boy and not man ok). 2016 Alex has thought of dark shit, yes, but 2016 Alex is also the happiest that I've ever been. I don't think I knew what true happiness was until this year. Cliche? Yes. Would you take it back? Hell no. Continue being your badass, unapologetic, true to yourself girl.

    Don't ever let anyone determine your self-worth or make you feel any less of the sexy self that you are. YOU GOT THIS.
    September 19th, 2016 at 03:17pm
  • the optimist.

    the optimist. (100)

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    distant satellites:
    Funnily enough I almost replied to myself (though it hadn't been quite a year at the last time I saw this thread). So here we are. Over a year later.

    December 4th, 2015


    Hello Serena of the past,

    If there's anything I can say it's that things are a lot different than I remember at the time of writing this. I'll be honest and say that a lot of aspects about this year have not been good. Something about odd numbered years maybe? I guess that's a lie considering one of the best was easily 2011. But anyway I'm avoiding the questions, aren't I?

    Anathema was amazing, as if you/I expected less, really? ProgPower USA was wonderful! I got myself a gold badge which let me go to that acoustic gig after all and I saw some bands that were great. I fell in love with Riverside, you had to figure that was coming sooner rather than later. I was always trying to give them a listen. I also revisited a lot of oldies. You know the ones. Metallica, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, older U2 ... it was a nice blast from the past.

    The guy ... oh yes. Him. What can I say? He's something else. If you had told me all this was going to happen, I'd have told you that you were a COMPLETE nutter, okay? I can safely say that even though this year has not been good to me, that's been one wonderful shining light in the distance. However moving along, nope kids aren't for me. I'll be content to dote on other babies and then give them back to their parents when I've had enough or someone poops on me haha! No baby rabies despite several coworkers falling pregnant this year. And no, I'm not letting everyone walk all over me. In fact I've sort of earned a 'bitch' reputation as of late. It may not be a good thing but it does mean I've stopped being a fucking doormat.

    I'm not doing so great to be honest. I'm still suffering post-vacation/post-concert blues. Which in all honesty really fucking sucks. I didn't move, no. Long story on that. I'd rather not get into it to be honest. And nope, the cargo pants are still a no-go. I really don't know how I've done because I stopped weighing myself when I noticed that I was veering towards that tendency again. I stopped caring about the number for a while to try to get my spirits back up before trying again. Maybe next year will be the year.

    And I DON'T eat at work still! Aren't you proud? It's rubbish!

    England was majestic, love. No two ways about it. It was definitely the vacation of a life time and I'd love to go back sometime. I'm actually thinking about trying to go to Europe next year. We'll see how that goes.

    Music is my guiding light. Always and forever. It's definitely how I've made it through the year. You weren't wrong there. I just have to remind myself no matter how much I'm hating it right this minute that it's temporary and things like sitting on the floor in that lounge at the top of the ship are the moments that remind me that I am different. I have broken the cycle. I escaped. And I will never hurt anyone the way they hurt me. My life may not change the world, but I get to see it unlike my kin.
    Serena of 2016,

    I'm dead set that this will be a good year. I've already said. Albeit I said it long before I ever put a single thought into it. There's gonna be a lot of good music and good concerts this year. Make sure you get your arse to them. And who cares about the requests? Don't let that get to you. Tonight I'm missing a concert I really wanted to see because I was upset about that. That was a memory that could have been mine. Don't do it again! Okay?

    Did Anathema put out a new record this year or are they soon? How's that street team coming? Don't worry about what the other fans might think. So what, their fan base is massive in some parts of the world. Who cares? Get over what you think they might be thinking about your efforts in their tiny little brains.

    I certainly hope you haven't bothered to eat at work again. It's been a near two year affair you've had away from that rubbish. Don't start! I'll cook my arse off to ensure you don't! I really don't want to donate those cargo pants so you better work on getting back into them and NO cheating! Okay? No I don't mean cheating as in eating not so healthy stuff. I mean THAT kind of cheating. I will find some way to time travel and I WILL shank you with a spoon. It might cause a paradox but who cares?

    How about the guy? Are things good? Why or why not?

    What about the new SW album? 4 1/2? Any good? He stopped wowing me a long time ago. Still like him, but I miss the magic. I hope he's gotten that back! Let me know how Be Prog! is if you go, okay? It's gonna be in the dead of summer so be ready for that.

    I know I feel like crap tonight and I hope that this letter finds you well. I hope that you do not feel like I do now, the next time you read this. Always remember to keep the music close, keep a box of kleenex if you need it and don't be ashamed if you cry. Crying helps as much as it sucks to do. I've done my share of it and I hope to not do as much in the future but there's a lot of hurt in this heavy heart so I don't expect you to hold it all in.

    You can do it. I may not act it sometimes, but I do love you. Let me know how it all goes. Okay?
    January 6th, 2017

    Dear Serena of 2015

    I wish I could have told you that this year would be a shitshow. In so many ways. Please try to stay strong. It won't be easy for you, I know. But try. If I could have, I would have told you to reply to mum's texts. I did go to a handful of concerts. Not as many as I'd have liked to, but they were worth it. Starmus especially.

    They haven't released a new album yet, but they are working on it now and hope to have it released this Spring or closer to Summer. I'm sure it'll be great. The street team is a work in progress as always ... I don't expect that to change any time soon as much as I'd like to say I do!

    Food at work? No way! Oh, I also got a tattoo, and my dream car got wrecked. Bah.

    The guy? Well. Complicated is a good word I guess? Dunno.

    The new Steven Wilson ep 4 1/2 was pretty good. I also got to see him this year. It wasn't at Be Prog though. He actually came to Florida! Can you believe it? I know! Me either. He was ace. But I think I'm stuck wearing the Mickey Ears now because Dave and Nick loved them. I wish I'd have done the final night of the tour to be honest, but I'm grateful for the shows I got.

    I wish I could say I was happier, but I'm perhaps sadder than I was when I wrote this time last year. I'm sorry. I'm really trying though.
    Dear Serena of 2017

    I've learned my lesson about optimism it seems. Regardless, I hope this year is miles better than the last one. Don't eat at work. Not that the temptation is even there anymore, I reckon. It's all so gross. I'm proud of me and you.

    How was the Anathema album? Did you get to see them live this year? I have all kinds of big plans and I'm just waiting to cherry pick which ones I want. I guess that makes me sound a little fancier than I am, really. Heh. I always have lots of ideas but I never go through. Always lots of lost memories that way. Things I could have seen and done but didn't because I wasn't more diligent, I didn't stand up for myself.

    I don't think I need to guess or grasp at straws for how amazing the album was anyway.

    I want you to start doing some light exercising and week by week, work on increasing the workload. I want to go into my thirties with grace. As much as one as clumsy as me can have. Heh. How was the 30th birthday anyway? Did you go for sushi? It's a decade milestone so I want you to do something special, okay?

    I don't think I need to tell you how lost I feel at the moment. I'm going to be honest, I don't know what the right path is. But I guess I gotta pick one, don't I? Or you could make your own. How badass does that sound?

    Do you still love him? An honest question. And I think I know the answer. No ... I do know the answer, but tell me anyway.

    Do more. Step down if you have to. Count your blessings. Tell people you love them. Don't be a lonely coward like me. Please. Tell me that I'm not a lost mouse still by the time I'm thirty?

    I wish I had encouraging things to say otherwise. I just know you'll get through this. See you on the other side. Tell me all about it, okay?

    Serena of the beginning of 2017.
    January 7th, 2017 at 12:32am