That is exactly how I felt for ages; I thought that feeling this way was me being weak and too...lazy? to take control of my mind. I haven't officially been diagnosed with anything (haven't been to a doctors since I was 11 and that was just for a check up) but I'm pretty sure I have depression and have had it at least since I was 10. I used those exact thoughts of 'I'm not weak like those people who cut/commit suicide' 'I'm better than this' as well as the thought that my family and friends life/legacy/reputation would be ruined if I was ever diagnosed, to stop myself from cutting or attempting suicide.
- youme.atsix:
- What's more terrifying is reading through this board and seeing how many other people suffer from this illness. I feel as society as a whole often rights off mental illness as someone being weak/unwilling to take control of their minds and body, allowing people to harm themselves and others by trying to self-treat an illness they can't truly identify.
I basically tried to use a false sense of pride to stop myself hurting me or others. And yes it worked for the most part, instead I would simply imagine myself getting the kitchen knife and how it would feel if I stabbed myself, got shot, hit by a car etc or I would write out elaborate deaths for myself in little stories (still visible through the depressing nature of all my stories). But it worked for completely the wrong reasons cause I never felt any better a person for thinking that way. It just made me more disgusted with myself and beat me up inside even worse.
There would be times when I was around people and I knew I would feel bad if I was all miserable so I would smile and hold it in. The weird thing was, it would all be genuine. I wouldn't be faking the happiness, it was as if I could literally just call on any emotion I wanted and voila! It always felt real, but the constant ache would still be there completely forgotten until I was alone again when it would reveal itself only ten times worse than when I'd hidden it away. I'm not quite sure what that is or if it's normal or not, but anyways, back to the point.
The way society is currently treating mental illness is totally wrong. Mental illness is not about being too weak or being selfish or needy, it's a real illness and I think that that is something more people need to realise.
December 7th, 2013 at 09:36pm
