Ok, here's a little story...
Get some popcorn, I don't know if it will be long =p
Ok, we begin.
Last August things happened which really upset me, alot. So one day I got this sharp, not cutting sharp, rod/stick thing and pushed down hard on my wrists. Sometimes it would bleed, sometimes it would just turn red and bumpy. It made me feel better, it made me feel happier. So everytime I felt bad, or angry, I would keep doing this. And I would do it all the way up my wrist.
I marks would stay on for aslong as the next day. I would go into school with long red marks on my wrists which I tried covering. I felt ashamed going to school like that. I would keep doing it, when I woke up, when I had the urge, and one time my brother was in the room. But I kept doing it. It was a feeling of needing to hurt myself to feel alive. I just wanted another release.
Then in September, I lost the thing I used to harm with and went literally mental for a few weeks. I would get really angry and scream if I couldn't find it. It was so hard being independent and away from my harmful 'comfort'. So I moved onto pins, scratching myself with them. Scissors, loads of things. Then I found the thing and continued with that. By now I had quite a few scars, and still do have a few.
November 2006. I knew I had to do something. I couldn't keep on like this. I hated myself for doing it and needed help. So I made a promise to myself to quit by new years. It was hard, I have to admit. I went a bit insane again but slowly my sanity came back and I felt so much more confident with myself and happy.
I quit on 31st December 2006.
Feburary, I can even tell you what I wrote in my diary for this, this is a couple of days before aswell:
I was tempted to cut because of that. I was gonna get a razor and do it. But I didn't. I've been cut free now for about a month. Nobody knows I have cut before. I hated the marks afterwards but it was a hard habit to beat. I don't want anyone to know that. It was a very dark time for me and I never want to go back there. It was very painful, but I don't want sympathy.
I'm so fucking stupid, last night, I cut myself. With a pin badge, 5 times by my knee and 2 times with scissors. I'm bleeding. It hurts alot. I don't know why I did it, it felt better than crying. The pain felt good. I worked out November was the last time. I cut my other knee too. That was the first time since November, i'm just going to cut one last time with the scissors. That will be the last time I hope, i;ve given up once I can do it again.
I did it again, I can see where this is headed...
All my willpower down the drain...I feel so angry with myself for doing this again. I'm so ashamed.
I cut four times after that. That was 3 weeks ago.I've stopped, for good. I will NEVER do it again.
That was 4 times with a razor blade, it scared. Those entried where in March. So it's been two months.
Please, next time you feel like getting a razorblade from a sharpener, don't. I've been there and done it. It never helped. I've even kept the razor as a reminder. Just promise me next time you do, get a diary, get a rubber band, a pillow, teddy, mate anything. I find connecting paper clips together real helpful. And the ice thing.
It'll take time. You need to wean yourself off it and you will stop for good. Fuck, there's a razor blade downstairs, been there for a few weeks now, and i've not been tempted once to try it again. I think people need to be shocked into what can happen. I was shocked and i've stopped. I just need you to promise that you must help yourself first, you have to realise that before you can help someone else, you have to help yourself.
It's no good in helping someone get off self-harming then the first thing you go and do is pick up that razor or whatever. Be selfish for once, help yourself. Talk, talk to someone or if not then write it down. Lie down and relax for a split second and if you can't take it while you're in school then look at your scars. Look at them and tell yourself.
No, not tonight.
And mean it.
I want you to say outloud;
"I won't let it happen again. I can beat this, i'm strong."
I sound like a wierdo, I know. But say this everyday and mean it. Look at those scars and say it. Don't let yourself hurt anymore and throw away those blades.
They don't need you and you don't fucking need them. You can survive it, it's not unbeatable, people.
Most people on here I love to death and wouldn't want to see them get hurt...
I just want to urge you people and tell you that you can get better.
And toa ll of those that didn't know about this, i'm sorry it had to be this way. I just wanted to tell someone but help others in the same way.
PM me if you need help or anything.
Good luck x
May 15th, 2007 at 01:20am