February 25th, 2011 at 08:29pm
Claim.
The Writer
Please comment on: Sleep
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- Is this talking about Heaven? Did I get that right?
I liked it. There were a few errors (hop instead of hope and un heard instead of unheard) but other wise the grammar and spelling was pretty good.
Your stanzas need to be combined in a few places. In the beginning you would rhyme your last word of each stanza and if combined that would be more of a rhyme poem. It's a well done poem, don't get me wrong, but I think it would be better if the stanzas were combined in some places.
It says:
"Can we dream
of an unknown world
better than our own?"
I don't like that part because we know we dream of that, even if someone doesn't believe there is, they at least dream of it. To me this really messes with the poem, like it changes the topic and I don't like that.
Instead, maybe you should get rid of the "can" and just leave the rest.
"Serenity rules the land
and an oasis is only known?"
I don't really like that, the last half after "and" specifically. To me, it sounds funny and a little off.
I like this poem but to me some of the phrases don't really make sense.
Also, after about two stanzas your rhyme just fell of and changed. I didn't like that. It should either not rhyme or rhyme.
Your stanzas also changed from three to four lines about a quarter way through and I just didn't like that.
I liked the idea and word choices of your poem but the structure and some of the phrases just didn't seem the right choice to me.
Please review Sweetened with Folly for me :)
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- This is a really good poem with good emotional depth and level to it. I enjoyed reading it and think once you touch it up it will be amazing! I like the way you use rhyme all throughout the poem and don’t just randomly stop, it also fit the poem quite well; some poems just don’t suit the use of rhyme. The one thing I did notice with the poem is that it seems a bit limited in vocabulary. While this poem doesn’t suit a huge verbose variety of diction, you could still spice it up a bit. Use a thesaurus if you need to. I found that line nineteen and twenty didn’t really make any sense. “I quit curt. It lost all it's charm.” Also the “it’s” should be “its.” But all in all a very good poem, with unique ideas and imagery while being spiced with the current of emotion that lies beneath it all. Good job!
Blackbird
- Quote
- Interesting topic. I liked your repetition and format. However I was reccomend more interesting word choices in the future. A theasurus can be a very valuable tool. For example I feel the section " Too Angry. Too Happy. Too Sad." could have been improved with words like irrate, joyful, despondent, etc. It's an interesting topic, but I feel like you could've gone further with your descriptions, which sound a bit overused. Could you be a bit more definitive about the topic? Could you find new ways to explore the situation that is actually pretty commonly found in poetry? Also, strong imagery is really helpful when you're working with a format as short and concise as poetry. A couple words could be cut out, and if you use unconventional words, it creates a stronger image for the reader to enjoy, therefore making your poem stand out more. Plus, you may want to check out the Mibba posting rules, because it’s against the website’s rules to post poetry (or stories, or forum posts) with grammar discrepancies, such as capitalizing extra letters, like in “Too Angry. Too Happy. Too Sad.” P.S The word emission holds odd connotations that you may want to avoid for future postings.
She Wanders
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- Wow I have to say this poem is really amazing and quite unique. I've read poems of this similar style of poetry but still nothing quite like this. With both your word choice mixed with the way you placed things really made this poem something interesting and wonderful to read.
Some of my few critiques though are that some of the lines seemed a bit unnecessary or if they did fit the poem, they way you placed them didn't. I know it can be hard with this poem, placing everything just right (Especially with how hard it can be to code a poem like this :P) But I really feel that if you got rid of some things/moved a few words around this poem would be even more impacting than it already is.
Grammar, I'm not a grammar nazi or anything and am happy as long as it's readable and if you choose to ignore some rules for style, that's perfectly okay :) I did find a few places where commas would have really added a sense of flow and made this easier to read but they were so few and far between that it isn't a major worry.
The one thing that you should do is fix the title of the poem. The way you've put it up goes against mibba rules, from what I know, it should be like this. "The Secrets of Mistaken Identity"
What I really have to compliment in this poem is your word choice. While you didn't necessarily send me running to my dictionary from an overuse of a thesaurus, you instead seemed to use common words but mixed them up enough that the word choice seemed to be lacking. I really have nothing but praise for this category since it can be really hard to find that perfect balance between wordy and understandable.
Honestly this poem was really difficult for me to critique because I really enjoyed reading it. with the structure giving a visual side to the poetry coupled with your word choice and the current of emotions you had pushing until the very end. Well, that doesn't leave a lot to complain/critique about. Anyways, hopefully you find my suggestions helpful, but really all in all I just want to say, good job :)
Blank
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- This poem is really heartbreaking (particularly the last verse) and you've done an amazing job at evoking the pain of losing a loved one. The language used definitely makes the piece very powerful, and the references to memories help convey the grief. And I really love the vivid language you use here; it really helps picture they way your friendship developed, and adds to the sadness.
My only criticism is that some of the rhymes are a little off, (particularly gone/drawn in the first verse). But other than that, I think this piece is very well-written, and you've done a great job with it.
Little Girl
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- This a really beautiful poem! Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like this is so personal to you, that it is how you actually feel. And I really love poems like these. I love to feel the author's emotions, try to understand them and relate to them in some way. And you did that just well. I can relate to the ''protagonist'' of this poem. How you talk about memories, music and not wanting to forget that one person...yeah that is me in every single way. My favorite lines of this poems are People keep saying that time And I will heal but Secretely I don't want To Heal... You are an amazing writer and this piece is simply perfect in every single way.