Claimed. Reviewed.
Cingulomania, please.
- .:
- So I was looking at the Story Review Thread when I saw the title of this one-shot, and I clicked the link out of a weird kind of instinct. I wrote a four-shot inspired by this exact same song about a year ago, so I started reading, wanting to know what you'd done with it (and I should also note that the Counting Crows acoustic version has been on loop this entire time.)
And it made me smile when I saw that you'd written a fairly literal interpretation of the song. I just, I dunno, I love the way that you set it up. All of the little details from the song jump out at me because I've heard it a million times, but the way you've written this makes it not necessary to know a thing about it because it's just amazing like that. I just love that Maria is nervous and quiet and shy and timid and she's just overall a very well written character.
I also love that William and Gabe immediately take her in. Something like that is what every new kid in town needs, and there's always that really nice guy (or in this case, two nice guys) that's willing to give a girl a head start. It's nice, and gives a girl hope for humanity, you know?
Something else that I love is how this isn't written from Maria's point of view. Very easily, you could have made her the narrator and made the entire thing all about her, but instead you have Gabe narrating it. You relate Maria's parents' misunderstanding to Gabe and William's life together, and that's incredible. I love that you give history instead of simply shipping the two together, giving them struggle and parents that aren't completely thrilled. I love that you've given it substance, and I love that Gabe and William have this sort of instinct to protect Maria because they're not positive that her parents will come around the way William's mother did.
And one of my favorite bits of this story is actually a paragraph and the first sentence of the next:
“No one’s really that normal anyways,” William stated one night, his hand smoothly pulling out the carton of milk. I adjusted the bunny ears on the TV before we all crowded on that tiny, faded yellow plaid couch, eating a dinner William had picked up earlier that night from his mother’s. We stayed up all night that time – Will and I did, anyways; Maria fell asleep across our laps about four and we didn’t have the heart to wake her – and talked. We tried our damndest to understand where she came from in the easy glow of late night TV then, but for some reason it was just the hardest thing to fathom.
Then, we realized we could relate to the lack of acceptance.
Something about that speaks volumes to me. I love how they've just accepted her into their lives and have been taking care of her like she's an adopted daughter of sorts. It's a comforting notion, that she has someone to rely upon so solidly when her family back home is just so shoddy at giving that to her. I also loved the sentence It seemed that, though, Maria’s parents would never admit they were wrong. It gives a very real image of Maria never having support from her family, and even though I love it, the flow of it is kind of off. I think that if you took out the commas and moved the 'though' to the beginning of the sentence, it would be absolutely perfect.
The conversation between Gabe and Pete is great, too. The way he talks about it, as something that he enjoys and loves even though it can be a struggle, is just incredible, and dang it Juliet I can't find a whole lot of things to criticize because you're so stellar. But this whole thing is just something incredible and very real and just beautiful. I love how these two guys who probably never thought they'd have a girl living in their house just help her and heal her- and can I just say that the way you wrote the last bit kind of broke my heart yet mended it all at the same time.
It implies so much about this character, and all of this just captures the metaphors and details of the actual song so well. I couldn't see a whole bunch to criticize, which is nice because I love fangirling about great pieces of writing, and I really just loved it (if you couldn't tell.) Some of your sentences did run on, and I think I caught a capitalization error (the word 'she' in the line She whispered to Will at the very end should be lowercase), but it was very easy to overlook that to enjoy the flow of the piece.
Very well done.
August 22nd, 2011 at 07:16am