Story Comment Swap

Claimed^

gotham's finest.:

Title, Layout, Summary

So, at first I thought the story would be about a girl who comforts all her friends. After reading the summary I realized I was dead wrong. I like how the title refers to her position and how the title of her position sounds all innocent and fun but it’s not. Because after reading the summary we all know what the comfort girl is. I feel like the title is appropriate and it draws me in.

The layout is pretty and simple: two things I love because it adds to the story without adding to much and being way to distracting. I like how it’s also sort of deceiving with the layout being all pretty and uplifting and then the story having to do with slaves and rape and abuse. (Also, I have a thing for old manor houses and the picture helps.)

The summary is perfect, it gives just enough without telling you the whole plot. It also doesn’t leave me sitting there scratching my head wondering what the story’s actually about.

Chapters/Characters

With just the first chapter you give us enough information about Adelaide without boring us to tears with her backstory or leaving us sitting in the dark because we know nothing about her. You also do a very good job at making me hate the slavers and the Kings with just a few sentences.

Your style is good; there isn’t that total ignorance some people tend to write with when they write about slaves. Your speed is great, you don’t rush the story nor do you drag it along like a dead dog. It’s in the perfect median. Your grammar is great, nothing jumped out at me at all as being wrong. It’s evident you worked hard writing this. It's realistic, is great paced and you do a great job pulling people in.

You’ve got a good story with promise to be great once it gets fully rolling.

Lambs & Lions

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Americana Exotica:

Your layout is absolutely beautiful and dark. Sets the tone perfectly in my opinion. However, I didn't like your summary. I thought it was boring and it didn't spark my interest whatsoever. But on the bright side of that I read the first two chapters and you my friend, are a lovely writer. Your style is catchy.

The first chapter or prologue I would call it, read like a fairy tale and I adore fairy tales. It gave off a chill that kept me reading until the last word. The beginning sounded like a Brother Grimm tale which was kind of awesome. I like descriptive narratives a lot and I think you did an excellent job on creating the scene.

The relation between Arielle and her dad is sad and somewhat hurtful, I can't help but feel sorry for her because even from the summary something unexpected will happen.

The second chapter was just as well written, I found no fault and the princess seemed like a character I would have to get use to reading. Arielle seems like she will be in for one hell of a ride.

The Wolverine and the Drum Dance

Americana Exotica:

The Wolverine and the Drum Dance

To start, I really like the layout. I haven't seen many well made layouts with a border around the whole thing and I think that this one looks really nice. I love the banner, and the picture off to the side of the contents section goes very well with the story.

In the second paragraph you had misspelled Prince a few times. I think that was the only place I noticed it.

I also noticed that sometimes you would capitalize prince and other times you would not, you did that with princess and other things like that and it was a little offsetting for me. I just feel like if you're going to capitalize one of them, they all might a well be.

Towards the end I thought that some of the story was a bit rushed but I liked it nonetheless. I don't usually see stories like this on Mibba, and i'm glad you submitted it because it's refreshing to read new things. Good job c:

Looper, please.

Claimed^

So first of all, I really loved your description. It really sparks up your curiousity and makes you want to read it. The story is really unique. I've never read anything like it. Your descriptions are really amazing. I loved the relationship between Althea and Ross. Even with just two chapters you really managed to capture it. But I've got to say though, the whole looper thing kind of confused me and I think you could have explained it better. Even if I'm sure it'll clear up as you go along I still think right from the beginning it could be clearer. Other than that it's really good! I can't wait to see where you'll take it. This has loads of potential. You've set up a great plot.

ironi1234:

Claimed^

So first of all, I really loved your description. It really sparks up your curiousity and makes you want to read it. The story is really unique. I've never read anything like it. Your descriptions are really amazing. I loved the relationship between Althea and Ross. Even with just two chapters you really managed to capture it. But I've got to say though, the whole looper thing kind of confused me and I think you could have explained it better. Even if I'm sure it'll clear up as you go along I still think right from the beginning it could be clearer. Other than that it's really good! I can't wait to see where you'll take it. This has loads of potential. You've set up a great plot.

I can't link now due to the fact I'm on my mobile but check my profile Love Is Foolish. Sorry for the bother.

@ ironi1234
Claimed.

Quote

Comment Swap.

I just wanted to point out I don't know anything about Alex, except he might be from All Time Low? So I will be at a loss at that part but its okay.

Appearance:
I really like the banner, though I don't know if it was intentional that there be a white spot on both sides of it. Also, the title from Mibba is still visible making it a bit tacky looking. This can be corrected on the Title section of the layout maker by turning the font size to 0. I feel the text section is a bit wide, since its wider than the banner itself. Though I really like the brick in the background. All appearance stuff its mentioned because its my own preference.

Writing:
I like the summery. It kinda gives the readers a clue to what is going to happen but doesn't give anything away at all. Kudos on that.
I mainly read the Prologue and quickly noticed how beginning while very detail heavy is pretty short. The lines are all just one row across and looks a bit odd. Maybe if you combined them they wouldn't look so spaced out; again personal preference only.

"She pushed back her red flaming perfect curls one more time and left her mirror."
This line confused me a bit, I had to do back and reread it twice before I grasped it completely. You have a lot of adjectives in one small span with no commas or anything. Maybe if you simply condensed it to perfect, red curls or perfect, flaming curls because generally when something is flamming its a red or orangish color.

Your punctuation could use a bit of work, there were several places that could have used it a bit more than other places. Here are some things I noticed right off the bat:

She could play with humans so easily. And with her perfect plan...
You shouldn't start a sentance with and or but.

It was close to her home, and luckily enough his home too
Better punctuation would clear up this sentence as well, it flows a bit oddly.

The lead singer, looking no older than 20 didn't lose her look after that.
This needs several different punctuations. Maybe some hyphens or colons but just like the other one the flow of it distrupts the rest of the chapter.

Now, the overall plot is very original. I don't think I've read a story where the main female character was the bad guy before. You always read about the band member kidnapping an unsuspecting fan who instantly falls in love with them. This is like the reverse of that, which is good.

Here is where you can request a story editor to beta your story for you if you don't think you will be able to do it. They are all very nice and awesome and I'm sure someone would be able to help you!

When Night Falls

Qhuinn:

When Night Falls

Claimed

First I have to say the layout is amazing, the banner is awesome,it kind of give a feel to what you are writing about. Vampire's I am guessing.

I have so far read the very first chapter and I have to say, the way you write all together is just amazing. I am not picking about errors, but even if I was I really do see a single error in this story so far. The way you describe her and the way she is just hunting the man is just amazing, I feel like I can imagine every single detail down to the bloody gore of it all. The way isa takes her in and treats her like a family member right away is so sweet and caring.

I can tell the time era is set back in the days, I don't know what era but I know its is not 2013 and I love the way you have the talking. You get it so right and on the dot. They way the explain humans to be slaves is very interesting,Gosh the more I read the more I get pulled into this. I have to say I am not the best with leaving comments but I am trying my best with this. You make then seem so elegant and proper, the way you explain why she doesn't have any sexual desire towards marcus.

The way yuou explain how she sees Alejandro is just...sexy... lol I cant wait for another chapter. This is by far an amazing story and has captivated me sooo much.

This might hurt

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This Might Hurt:

I really like, how in the summary, you basically give an explaination about the characters, in the point of the, what I am sure, is the main character. It is something that I like in summaries because, when told in the main character's point of view, it helps me relate to the characters and gives a snipit, I guess I could say, of the characters in the main character's own words. And, thanks to the summary, it gives me the impression that Rain is fully aware what her friend is and knows exactly what happened and when.

The first chapter, in my opinion, was wonderful. It was a great way to begin the story - with a little bit of mystery that could also be found in the summary, while introducing the characters as well. Even though it's the first chapter, I seriously want to know why there is a pack of alpha werewolves traveling together. The thought doesn't make sense to me, but I guess it doesn't make sense to the characters either; that's why their trying to figure it out.

I really love the beginning of the second chapter. It was so spooky. The second chapter, as much as I really liked it, seemed a little rushed to me. So many things happened in the same chapter in, what it felt like, different times. A few events happened at school, and some happened before and after school. It just seemed a little rushed considering how many things went down in the chapter.

I feel like Erica and Boyd could be explained a little more. Some people, like me, who haven't seen the show have no clue who they are and why they are important. You just kind of mentioned them without giving a real explanation as to who they are or when they got kidnapped. The news was just kind of thrown into the third chapter without any warning. And I noticed that Boyd was present even though he was taken, as mentioned in the third chapter. Did he somehow escape? Did they let him go?

And I had one more question. Who are the twins? They are mentioned in the fourth chapter, but aren't really explained much.

Anyway, this is a really good story so far. I feel like the characters need a little more explanation since they are just mentioned randomly. The plot is really cool and interesting, and this story could easily pass as an original story. In fact, I didn't know that it was a fanfiction story until you mentioned something about the show in one of the author's notes. Fantastic job with this story!

Curious, Wandering Child?

^ Claimed.

swell:

Firstly, I have to say that the layout is simple but beautiful, and the banner is just gorgeous. The summary so far has piqued my interest, and I'm already excited to read the first chapter. I'm not familiar with the topic, so I'm going to read this like an original fic.

You write very well. From start to finish, I was captivated by Meg and how she was the shadow to her friend Christine. The way that you've mentioned Meg as being plain but knowing how to dance is going to be a pivotal moment in the story, perhaps she catches the eye of the Phantom by dancing for him? I'm a bit confused, though. So I assume that Christine is the type of girl that can get any guy, and she's got the attention of both Rahul and the Phantom? But the Phantom has run off to be with Christine, even though Christine is with Rahul? I'd suggest you make this clearer, otherwise I don't really have much criticism to give you. There are no spelling or grammar mistakes that I can see. I think you've written this wonderfully and I'm quite intrigued to see how the title plays a role in the story, as well as how the Phantom and Meg meet. This is a beautiful start so far and I'm excited to see where this goes!

Where the Wind Takes Us, please.

@ swell
Claimed.

"Oh boo, this prologue made me so sad. I was like, "Woo, gonna read this story and it's going to be so AWESOME," but man, way to kill a buzz. The happiness in me slowly drained down as I got to the end of the prologue. I think that's a great sign that you've got a good story, make Nic emotional. Check.

I could totally picture Natalie running to her room after snatching the berries, it's something i would do xD
I feel as though some of the description in the second chapter is a bit excessive but it's not bad or anything, I liked to read it.
Again, with the sadness at the end of the chapter. Just stop, i'm going to cry.

I'm really sad that Natalie can't talk to Mick and be honest with him, it's heartbreaking.

I do like this story, so i'm subscribing. I hope you update soon."

Uppers, Downers, All Arounders or My Girl. I put two because I honestly can't pick, i'm sorry. Just pick one c:

@ Diligence
Claimed.

Diligence:

First off, wanted to say that the background is so colorful and lovely and goes well with the banner!

Right off the bat, that first sentence captured my attention. I really love how you use more then one description when describing! For example, sweat,booze,perfume,cologne, wafting. I'm basically just stunned by the description that you provided. I liked how you didn't rush the whole scene and you let it play out and it just ran smoothly.

I'm really curious about Liv and her friends and why they are so into drugs and I want to know what the happy pills are? Are they like a new street drug and what do they do?

I don't think I found anything that was grammatically wrong as I read over this. Good job! It's only one chapter so far but I just can't wait to read some more. I don't care if it's a 3-short or longer just as long as it's not a one-shot!

The Truth About Forever <-- This one please :)

Claimed.

"
I like the layout a lot. I love the color scheme, I think that it fits the tone and feeling of the story itself. The only issue I had was the font is really small which makes the story harder to read.

I like the length of the chapters as well. I think if you went too much longer it would become to bogged down by the repetition but the length that you have them at is perfect for the amount of repetition you use.
Which brings me to my next point, I love the repetition in this story. It gives it a wonderful rhythm. The repetition gives it rhythm but the way your sentences are structured at times can break up the rhythm a bit. Reading the story out loud can really help with finding those bits and pieces where it sounds a little awkward.

The prologue was beautiful. The majority of your word choice through out the story is incredibly rich but I think that makes it really standout when an adjective isn't so rich or the wording doesn't flow as well as it does in the rest of the story.

I'm curious to see where the story goes and I'm wondering if the repetition is going to continue throughout or if you are going to gradually distance the writing away from it."

http://www.mibba.com/Stories/Read/499934/The-Worlds-Name/ This story please!

Claimed

Okay first, oh my god! This is so great, now onto more specific comments.

I like the lengths of the chapters, it wouldn’t hurt for them to be a little longer, but I don’t think you’ll lose any readers over the length.

I love that you can switch between points of view without announcing it like a lot of stories do with “Blah’s POV” You have wonderfully detailed paragraphs that really put the reader into the story. Though I would mention the amount of description does make the actions of the story a little slow, but I also think that the slowness of the first two chapters is because of the emotionless of the moment so you wouldn’t want to speed it up.

I’m eager to see where the story goes and very excited to learn more about Rose. You’ve done a great job of describing her in a supernatural way without specifically telling us what she is; this creates an air of mystery that really makes the reader want more. I’m definitely subscribing.

Cliches and Compunction <-- This one.

@cptlollipop

Claimed

"First I have to say that picture looks SO TASTY! It makes me want to go out and get one.

Now on to Theo, wow that was so wrong of him. I thought at first he was going to run into the lake; but no he goes butt naked and then strips her of her own clothing. Man, I would have punched him in the face! I like Tyler though, he's nice but its creepy the way he was standing at her door. But he is still pretty nice.

-by the way and Rec and subbed. -

The first chapter actually got my attention and I will now to continue to read.

"Good Morning Riley," My announced my arrival into the kitchen the way he had almost everyday. What is supposed to be after the (my) and before (announced).

OMG HE'S GAY!!!

Aww now that's great friendship! This chapter was amazing, now on to the next one.

I understand her pain with the punishment! Oh man who did she kiss and I now see Tyler in a whole different way, Gay tyler.. I like the sound of that!

WHAT DOES THE NOTE SAY!

I cant wait for the next update. You wrote this in such grace, if that is the right word. I am glued.

(Bittersweet)

Albluerose:

(Bittersweet)

Claimed!

Comment:

I absolutely love the beginning of this story! I like how you started out with the mystery of Kat not remembering what happened, because that's a great way to get readers hooked on your story. With it starting off with so much mystery, you'll leave them wanting to read more so they can get more answers!

The only thing I don't like is the POV changes in the middle of the chapter. There's nothing wrong with it, per say, but it's just something that I've never been a fan of. I just like to either see third person or the same narrator throughout the story, because that makes for less confusion when reading.

Remember Me

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dr. faustus:

This is actually the first One Direction story I've read on Mibba. It was good, well written and pretty simple. Your writing style is straight forward and easy to follow. I don't know much about the boy or the band you were writing about, but that didn't matter. That's what I meant by how simple your writing is, I pictured these two characters perfectly without any background knowledge and that's great and wonderful writing.

I thought this was sweet and short, there wasn't really a point or plot to this, but everything was so right, I felt. It was cute, just cute and it served its purpose for people who like to read this sort of stuff, overall, I thought it was a good read.

Gaspard and Anette Part III, The Wolverine and the Drum Dance or Never Fuck a Poet

Claimed-The wolverine and the drum dance
1. Some of your descriptions aren’t very charming:
This princess was wise as a serpent and innocent as the wind blowing freely. (I don’t see why you’ve attributed innocence to the wind)
2. The story seems to be interesting. But I think you made the ‘too much background information’ mistake a little. Not too much, just a little. You don’t have to say everything about everything all at once. You should keep the story moving. Readers aren’t very patient.
3. The ending of the chapter was the interesting part. It makes one want to know what’s going to happen to Wolverine. You seem to be experienced. Good job.

This is the story I want read: Abdication
(please put the comment in the mentioned link, too. Thanks. Don't forget to click on recommend if you like it.)

http://www.mibba.com/Stories/Read/531468/Abdication/

Claimed.

The way that you have written the first chapter was down right amazing, The layout is not distracting and you get into good details, I love the way that you explain her experiance and the way that she argues with the night, When she was trying to get out of the experience with her husband and picking that fight.

I do see that Alistair is manipulating them to spend money at his cafe.

They have contacts on the internet of who sells their soul to the devil? Thats interesting.

So that means she lost her eye?

I have to say that I really enjoyed this, I love the way you wrote it and would love to see where this goes, the way you ended this chapter was great. Keep up the good work.

Dont Wake me up Or A new World

Claimed-A New World
Vampire stories still seem to have a lot of fans. I’d like to read another chapter to see if this one goes interesting. Although it wasn’t bad; I think you should work a little more on the first chapter. People tend to throw away a great work just by simply skimming a first chapter that didn’t seem interesting enough to them. I’ve only read the first chapter for now, and I think it lacks tension. A vampire story should make the heart beat loudly from the very beginning. It should make the heart beat loudly with something, lust, fear, excitement. Something.
Mistakes: The had made wooden bullets… (Typo: The=They)
The had made wooden…guns as well, we had time limits to go out in the dark…
(After ‘well’ put a period. A comma makes it a run-on sentence. It’s a mistake. There are many more of these. You should fix them. Another one: The club was loud, flashy and filled with people, Eve was gone in the… (After ‘people’ there out to be a period.)
Its been three years since they… (Typo: Its=It’s)
These things may not seem very important. But grammar and punctuation are the tools of a writer. People keep getting distracted by them. Try fixing them. This will attract more fans and distract less people. 
Hes stubborn and immature (Typo: Hes=He’s)
I said under my breathe. (Typo: Breathe=Breath)

This is the story I want read:
Abdication
:) :) Hope you enjoy

^ [Claimed.]

What I like about this is that, in a way, the names are sort of old-fashioned. I don't know exactly if you wanted to bring up a vampire-ish feel to it, but that's what I got from the first couple paragraphs- not that it's a bad thing, because the mood and feel you've captured in this already is really intriguing. I enjoyed what I read and so far, you've got something really neat going on with this story. I like how you used actual words from another language, as well. Incorporating that element into this is really going to add more depth to the atmosphere, in my opinion.
Though, the one thing I did notice is just a reoccurring grammatical problem; where you put periods at the end of every statement in quotation marks when sometimes, they require commas instead. You probably don't need to worry about it too much though, because even I do it sometimes. It's common and can be easily fixed.
Other than that, like I stated before, this is really nice, really captures a lot already, and I might just end up reading the rest of what you have so far. :

[The story I'd like read/commented on is Insanity, please? :) ]