Story Comment Swap

  • bucky barnes.

    bucky barnes. (705)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    32
    Location:
    United States
    Claimed.
    Quote
    First off, the layout for this story is gorgeous. I love how you tie in the dark purple in the banner and utilize it in the rest of the layout; it looks perfect together.

    One thing I do want to say right off the bat is that you might want to vary the sentence structure for the first paragraph a bit. Your first three sentences start out reading, “She sat,” “She looked,” and “She looked” again. Trying spicing up the sentences a bit (:

    I like how you start this out with a funeral, and you don’t explain too much about the deceased. It gives the story an air of mystery and keeps the reader wanting more. I’m curious about your narrator (I’m presuming it’s Caroline?) and her connection with Grace and the boy who just walked in (again, presuming it’s Parker).

    She rolled her eyes discreetly, cursing herself for having a best friend that was part of the forbidden species. I thought this was a really cool way of describing the popular kids; I’ve never thought of them as a particular ‘species’ before, though I guess I do internally call them ‘annoying animals’ when I’m angry xD

    Also I love your dialogue. It’s so realistic and it sounds exactly like what teenagers would say to each other in a school environment, and it doesn’t sound forced. Sometimes that’s hard to do when writing, but you’ve nailed it so well. Paige’s voice in particular stands out; I have friends who talk like that so it made me giggle a bit.

    One more piece of concrit: in the second update, there’s kind of an info-dump when you’re describing Grace and Parker’s failed relationship (7th paragraph down). Instead of simply stating what Grace is like and how she and Parker dated/broke up, it could be interesting to see it told through dialogue. You already have a lot of talent writing dialogue, so maybe if Caroline and Parker get into some sort of back-and-forth bantering where all this information comes out...I dunno. You don’t have to do it, it’s just a thought xD

    Overall, I really like this story. I feel deeply for Caroline (being stuck in the ‘friend zone’ is cold and lonely) and Parker seems like a really cool guy to be friends with (and a bucket load of trouble and fun). Lovely, lovely job!
    Rabbit Hole
    September 6th, 2011 at 07:04pm
  • Isabella Sykes .

    Isabella Sykes . (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    30
    Location:
    United States
    claimed
    .:
    Oh my lordie, where to start.
    you're very very, very talented. I only read the first chapter because, unfortunately, im working on a paper for English... BUT. I might just have to put aside twenty more minutes to read the rest of this piece. Your words blended so evenly. It was amazing. I loved how you described the previews, as if in a movie, and then showed your emotions toward the bland and lack. brilliant. brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!
    You've colored this story with (I think) everything you wanted it to be. And it will be. Your way with words is going to make this story fab-u-lous. most definitely. I love how its formal, yet casual. You add flavour into it, its nice, i like-y. KEEP WRITING. Ill keep reading :)
    Wake Up
    September 8th, 2011 at 03:58am
  • Audrey T

    Audrey T (6730)

    :
    Admin
    Gender:
    Age:
    35
    Location:
    United States
    Claimed.
    .:
    The first thing I notice was the narrative voice in this piece and I felt it lacked a bit. Though I do realize that this is probably just the 'style' you're using, I don't know if it was one that was effective. The story, for me, read more like an article or blog post about depression (or possibly a journal on Mibba) than a story – which was a bit of a let down for me.

    Aside from that, I did enjoy this piece. I think you've got an interesting – if not bleak – perspective on depression and treatment of depression. I like that you went through the ups and the downs and really showed the battle of depression, rather than treating depression like a straight downward slump. I think that's what made this piece realistic because it was more of struggle and not just someone slipping into depression – just once – and then killing themselves.
    Thunderstruck, please. Either chapter (or both) is fine.
    September 8th, 2011 at 04:42am
  • solo sunrise

    solo sunrise (260)

    :
    Bibliophile
    Gender:
    Age:
    25
    Location:
    Neutral Zone
    Claimed.
    Quote
    I like the layout of the story; it’s nice and simple, first off.

    I’m not a big fan of the slang—’cause,’til—but at least you did not use “coz”…now, “coz” drives me crazy for some odd reason, so thanks for that, and you added the apostrophe, so I can’t whine too much, now can I? Speaking of words, I liked how you added the “é” to Renée…it just added something to the name.

    The narrator’s tone is a bit…unique, in a good way, though, much unlike most of the stuff on this website. In other words his isn’t too cliché, and again I have to thank you again.

    It stinks that there are no comments yet. :(

    Overall, I liked it.
    PS - I really liked the title.

    Link
    September 9th, 2011 at 12:59am
  • eight letters late.

    eight letters late. (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    31
    Location:
    United States
    Claimed.
    Quote:
    Okay. Second sentence. “It had left, leaving only the memory…” It’s a little repetitive and it sounds kind of funny. The beginning was a bit confusing. You may want to clarify things a little more. Maybe I’m just slow. But you may want to consider it anyway. Once I actually got into it, though, I could picture everything really well. I really liked how it just got right into the action and I didn’t have to sit there thinking, when is this going to start?

    I thought the whole sci-fi thing was very interesting, and you’ve done it well in these three chapters. You have clearly done some planning and research, which is much appreciated. You should definitely continue.
    Hmm, how about Just Ella. Be honest! (:
    September 9th, 2011 at 02:56am
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    29
    Location:
    France
    Claimed.
    Quote
    I love your layout, it's beautiful. It's so peaceful and simple and lovely which just makes it so asdfghjkl...breathtaking. Really pretty! <3

    Aww, Kirsten is such a bitch, I'm guessing that Kirsten is probably the ugly step-sister and Ella is Cinderella? Since this is a modern Cinderella fiction and all. Kirsten is so mean to Ella, I just want her to smack Kirsten down or something D; I really ,like your twist on the whole Cinderella story, it's different from what everyone usually does and I gotta say, your descriptions are amazing. Your sentences flow with ease at such a smooth pace, I'm so jealous and I love your choice in words! Great job <33
    A Shift in Momentum
    September 9th, 2011 at 08:10am
  • d0wn the rabbit hole

    d0wn the rabbit hole (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    Great Britain (UK)
    Claimed.
    Quote
    Okay, so first of all, your description in the prologue is absolutely breathtaking! Honestly, it opened the story up beautifully. I especially thought your first description of Parker was amazing (considering what you then explain to us about his character later on and the incredible difference in the two descriptions)
    Your layout is very pretty and contrasted wonderfully with the drabness and dark of the prologue
    I've never been a fan of 'the ending first' story set up, but I've got to admit, it really works here, I'm dying to know how she dies!
    The only criticism I have is for Parker's thoughts when the firework was about to go off, I felt it didn't really make sense. But that's just me and maybe his character is just far more laid back than I am.
    Overall, I think it's a great story and I'm sure that the rest will be as good as the start
    Suburbia [Oh, and please be honest, whoever does this, I want to know whether its good, bad or terrible. No feelings spared!]
    September 9th, 2011 at 10:47pm
  • bucky barnes.

    bucky barnes. (705)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    32
    Location:
    United States
    Claimed.
    Quote
    The first update reminds me of the song Little Houses by Malvina Reynolds. Everything looks the same and everything looks perfect and it’s so creepy in that kind of Edward Scissorhands way. I like the repetition of perfection and how the narrator emphasizes just how jaded everything is, because everyone needs to keep up this façade.

    This did not fit in our make-believe world, and that was when the cracks began to show. I love this line, to be honest, and how you use cracks as imagery of imperfection.

    I liked the way Leland reacts to Craig’s suicide and how he goes about telling Craig’s mother about it. I mean, I can’t imagine what I would do if I were stuck in that situation. How do you tell your friend’s mother that her son just killed himself? The way he just kind of tacks it in there as an afterthought...perfectly awkward and realistic.

    I really enjoy Leland’s character and the way he describes the world around him. I think you have a very strong sense of his character, and I have no doubts that Eve will be just as strong.
    Rabbit Hole
    September 10th, 2011 at 03:30am
  • The Punisher

    The Punisher (200)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    United States
    claimed
    [post comment in a bit.]
    .:
    Okay first your story is….. a bit touchy. It’s a school shooting and it’s a terrible thing to write about. I understand you want suspense, but I would do it elsewhere. I am only saying this because from experience even though I have never written about a school shooting but a rumor at my school got me sent to a counselor in my school because some idiot made up a rumor that I was writing about school shootings. If this is a not going to bend part of your story have at it but don’t say you were never warned.

    Onto your story.

    As I begin the second chapter I am starting to get disturbed at what you are writing. While it is well written I just I don’t know it just made me uncomfortable to read this. But that is the mark of a good suspense writer. One that can toy with one’s emotions to make them feel scared or uncomfortable enough so that they have to turn the page and find out what happens next.

    Overall your story is very original and unique, though pay attention to what I wrote above. I am not saying you will do what was mentioned. I am saying be cautious, people do get offended by this sort of thing.
    Hero High
    please read more than one chapter
    September 11th, 2011 at 12:53am
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    29
    Location:
    France
    Claimed.
    Quote
    I liked the way how you started the story, it seems really interesting so fra, with the reader realising that Ayriana's not normal right from the start. The only thing I have a problem with is that your sentencing seems a little stiff and awkward in places, I can't quite put my finger on it but it doesn't flow super smoothly. Perhaps take out some of the minor words like 'it' and 'and' etc. and use more commas? Anyway, I'm curious about Pixie, I womder if she's real or a figment of Ayriana's imagination, since she's a little strange and all. Ooh, I'm intrigued about Tristian, he obviously knows about his powers and he seems at ease with them. Again, this felt a little stiff and rushed, but it's not terrible or anything, I could still follow along relatively well. Good job :)
    A Shift in Momentum
    September 11th, 2011 at 03:10am
  • BrandyAlexander

    BrandyAlexander (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    29
    Location:
    Canada
    claimed.
    Quote
    I really liked the vocabulary you used to describe things. It lends your writing a real sense of 'place'. A lot of people fail to do that in their writing, so I was pleasantly surprised when I found myself being drawn in. There were a couple of sentence structure hiccups, but nothing too distracting.

    I also enjoyed the way you started the story right in the thick of the 'action', so to speak. I'm of the opinion that the later you start the story, the better.

    "The figure staggered towards a pew, his dark blond hair looked as if it had never seen a comb in its life. His black suit pants were wrinkled, and his black dress shoes were untied."

    Loved the image conveyed there. lol
    The only thing I'd say to remember for future writing is to split up walls of text so that the pace of the story doesn't bog down. I only noticed that happening once in Chapter One, but keep it in mind. Overall, it looks great. :)
    Untitled
    September 14th, 2011 at 06:59am
  • Squishie-

    Squishie- (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    30
    Location:
    New Zealand
    Claimed.
    .:
    Interesting plot you seem to have going here (: I really like the idea, even though I'm a bit confused (I've learnt that if the story is a tad confusing at first, it usually ends up being epic.)

    I like how you write but I get a bit put off with how you word your descriptions. There's nothing wrong with, it just makes me read twice. But the imagery you create with your words is amazing.

    The second chapter ended so quickly and I was like, wait what it's over? Haha but I look forward to the next chapter as you've got me interested o.O

    xxxx <3
    Five Dollar Kiss Bet
    September 14th, 2011 at 12:24pm
  • bucky barnes.

    bucky barnes. (705)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    32
    Location:
    United States
    Claimed.
    Quote
    First off, while I do like the simplicity of the layout, the banner is a bit blurry and just a tad too big for my taste. It’s not entirely distracting, but at the same time, if it’s possible to fix it, I think it would be aesthetically more pleasing.

    Also in the summary: When his best friend drunkly bets him five dollars that he's a good time, things start getting weird. I think the word in bold should be “drunkenly,” I don’t think “drunkly” is a word (:

    Moving on, I really like how relatable this is. I mean, we’ve all either been in or will be in that situation where we haven’t had our first kiss, and the person we’re dating as infinite knowledge on...well, on kissing xD It is stressful, but I feel bad that Ely is torturing himself over this.

    Overall, I really like what you’ve got here so far. I would however suggest that if you added more descriptions; it seems to be one action after another:

    After his shower, Ely dressed and then sat on his bed, at a loss of what to do. He gazed around his room, slightly surprised that it only took him an hour to get fully ready, including eating. Bored, he picked up his phone and clicked on Emma's name. He grinned, knowing how tired she must be and how much fun he was going to have irritating her.

    You know what I mean? More description would make it flow nicely instead of action after action. It would also be a good way of getting to know the characters personally.

    Other than that, wonderful story! Great job (:
    Soulseeker
    September 14th, 2011 at 08:54pm
  • The Punisher

    The Punisher (200)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    United States
    Claimed.
    Quote
    Okay I am commenting over chapter 3. Here we go. I like how you did break away from the FF theme and are having this guy going around saving people he knows, it makes him seem like a sort of superhero almost, but something tells me that this will become a curse. I am also curious as to when the main character will meet death and then the two will get into a fight or what not. You have developed this story rather well and I cannot wait for more chapters to be released. So kudos to you, keep writing it is very good.
    Hero High

    Give me more than it is really good and there was grammar errors, I know there are grammar errors that's why I have a beta going through it with a fine toothed comb. Also read more than one chapter please, and if you have already read chapter 1, reread it I did a massive rewrite of it.
    September 16th, 2011 at 10:25pm
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    29
    Location:
    France
    Claimed.
    Quote
    Okay, I’ve read the first two chapters of this before and you said to read the first chapter again as you rewrote it again, and I gotta say, the new one is much better than the old one. I just found something wrong with this sentence.
    “Good morning Ayriana.” He told her in his cheery toned voice. The period should be in the quotations, and there should only be a period if there’s no dialogue tag afterwards. Also, there is no need to say ‘cheery toned’, just saying ‘cheery voice’ is good enough.
    Moving onto chapter three, I really liked how you described Ayriana’s kind of ‘panic attack’ (I know it’s probably some superhero reaction thingy) and you could clearly feel her fears and emotions getting all jumbled up. Anyway, good job :D
    A Shift in Momentum
    September 17th, 2011 at 11:57am
  • eight letters late.

    eight letters late. (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    31
    Location:
    United States
    Claimed.
    Quote
    This is very well written, but I’m sure you’re already aware of that. ;) The prologue is slightly boring, if I’m going to be honest here. The end of it is good, though. It makes me want to read the next part, which is essentially what all writers want, right?

    I know I just complained about the prologue, but I must point out that I really like how it switches to the past, and I’m assuming the rest of the story will lead up to said prologue. It kind of reminds me of The Luxe by Anna Godbersen because she does like, the same exact thing. And then you’re like, so how in the world is this girl going to die?! And then we learn that Grace is this super sweet, super nice girl, and it just makes it all the worse.

    I like the character of Paige. She livens things up.

    I also like how chapter three gives us insight into Parker’s character. I can’t believe he almost blew up a Lamborghini. Seriously, bro. It seems like Parker feels kind of sorry for himself, and he’s almost whiny about it in this chapter.

    PS: I have a story with a girl named Caroline in it and a story with a guy named Parker in it. I love those names. Cute
    You Are Cordially Not Invited
    Please read all three chapters if you can. They're not too long :3
    September 18th, 2011 at 10:22pm
  • turducken

    turducken (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    Canada
    claimed! :)
    Quote
    The premise already had me super excited but I always love a story with an interesting perspective, and even more so when the character isn't all innocent Sandra Dee and whatnot. This is like both mashed up together and I really have to praise you for writing it because so many people cop out for the victim character. But moving on to the actual story.

    I feel like the repetition of "as" one after the other doesn't flow right. As she said it, and then the as afterward. Maybe put while she said it or something? That could just be me though.

    And I always thought hoe was spelled with an e.

    But my God, what a douchebag. Three weeks? That's just... plain douchebaggery at it's finest. At first I totally thought that you spelled razor wrong and she was going to cut herself, but I like the new devious twist you put on it, especially with the cliffhanger at the end. I have a love/hate relationship with cliffhangers, to be honest. :D

    I felt like the first chapter could've put a little more in the information department, just a few little lines of what had happened. I wasn't sure if she was the other woman or not and didn't get much of a feel for the character, to be honest.

    OH MY GOD THE SECOND CHAPTER WAS BRILLIANT. I totally was not expecting that at all but it was the best twist ever. I was just reading it and was like well, this is getting quite interesting. Especially when she mentioned that Remi was the crazy ex because, well, Robin was supposed to be the crazy ex. And how he was balancing three girls at once.

    That's crazy.The wedding crashing part just made me completely fall in love with this though, my god.

    I liked the part about their mundane lives in the third chapter, aha. That was clever and I really liked it. In the last chapter I saw a little more of who Remi and Robin were, which I really liked. And the ending was quite brilliant- how they stood up and showed him. I think a little more clarification would've worked, mostly because they never really said so yeah he cheated on us, which means that maybe a lot of people didn't get that interpretation.

    It was short, but I actually really liked it. Aha, it was very girl-power but really entertaining to read. :)
    Hope Smokes Cheap Cigarettes, s'il vous plait?
    September 19th, 2011 at 01:09am
  • d0wn the rabbit hole

    d0wn the rabbit hole (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    Great Britain (UK)
    Claimed
    Quote
    Okay, seriously this was epic.

    The first sentence was absolute mastery, making you come up with a billion questions at once, and then how the paragraph that followed gave you no more information about it and absolutely forced you to continue reading. Also the personification of faith, common sense etc was a pretty cool touch.

    Your description of the girl (is she called Hope? Or is she just his hope in the literal sense of the word? I love how you didn't clarify that) is incredibly unique. You describe her so differently than normal so the reader gets the feeling that she's different from everyone else ever described. But you explain her in a way that if you asked me right now to describe her back to you I honestly wouldn't be able to which gives her a kind of inconsistency which backs up what the narrator is telling us.

    And this piece actually really reminded me of the book 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower', the way the narrators thought pattern seems all disjointed yet somehow manages to flow and how the guy just spouts how he really feels even if it doesn't make sense and the girl thinks he's strange but likes him just the same. I don't know, it could just be me.

    The only problem was when they had their dialogue, it was unclear who was speaking at first, like 'Where have you been?' I understood it was her saying that when I read it through the second time but maybe make it little clearer, though I get what you were trying to do with the very little dialogue and the excessive thoughts.

    But the ending I absolutely LOVE, it leaves you actually feeling sad alongside him, considering how short the piece is that's an achievement. And it leaves you ridiculously unsatisfied but in a good way, which I wasn't sure was possible before now.

    Really, this had a lot more feeling in it than some 20 chapter long stories on here, good work.
    Evelyn In Wonderland if you please
    September 19th, 2011 at 11:36am
  • Teddi Manni

    Teddi Manni (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    United States
    Claimed.
    Quote
    The dialog and the way Evelyn acts is quite interesting. To improve on this, I believe adding more setting details and description would give me a clearer image.

    Also, this idea is really unique and intriguing. I love the shadow and how it has its own personality and does its own thing. It makes the story all the more fun to read.

    I see no grammar, spelling or punctuation mistakes, so great job on that :) I love the story so far and will continue to read the other chapters after finishing up other business.
    Silver Feathers
    September 26th, 2011 at 01:10am
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    29
    Location:
    France
    Claimed.
    Quote
    The layout is gorgeous, I've always found that background to be a bit too out there and busy but you somehow make it work and the banner is beautiful. The colours in a very black, grey and white background is a nice stuf and same with the colours in the chapter link. :D

    The writing is a bit small for my tastes, I'll make the writing a bigger size but then again, that's just my personal preference. x] But oh my, this chapter was quite intriguing, I'm curious to know who or what SF stands for, I sense that it'll play quite a big role in the story. I'm also curious to know what draws the narrator to the west. I like how you ended the chapter, it immediately provokes the reader's curiosity and leaves them hanging with lots of questions :D Good job :)
    A Shift in Momentum
    September 26th, 2011 at 01:47am