- First off, the layout for this story is gorgeous. I love how you tie in the dark purple in the banner and utilize it in the rest of the layout; it looks perfect together.
One thing I do want to say right off the bat is that you might want to vary the sentence structure for the first paragraph a bit. Your first three sentences start out reading, “She sat,” “She looked,” and “She looked” again. Trying spicing up the sentences a bit (:
I like how you start this out with a funeral, and you don’t explain too much about the deceased. It gives the story an air of mystery and keeps the reader wanting more. I’m curious about your narrator (I’m presuming it’s Caroline?) and her connection with Grace and the boy who just walked in (again, presuming it’s Parker).
She rolled her eyes discreetly, cursing herself for having a best friend that was part of the forbidden species. I thought this was a really cool way of describing the popular kids; I’ve never thought of them as a particular ‘species’ before, though I guess I do internally call them ‘annoying animals’ when I’m angry xD
Also I love your dialogue. It’s so realistic and it sounds exactly like what teenagers would say to each other in a school environment, and it doesn’t sound forced. Sometimes that’s hard to do when writing, but you’ve nailed it so well. Paige’s voice in particular stands out; I have friends who talk like that so it made me giggle a bit.
One more piece of concrit: in the second update, there’s kind of an info-dump when you’re describing Grace and Parker’s failed relationship (7th paragraph down). Instead of simply stating what Grace is like and how she and Parker dated/broke up, it could be interesting to see it told through dialogue. You already have a lot of talent writing dialogue, so maybe if Caroline and Parker get into some sort of back-and-forth bantering where all this information comes out...I dunno. You don’t have to do it, it’s just a thought xD
Overall, I really like this story. I feel deeply for Caroline (being stuck in the ‘friend zone’ is cold and lonely) and Parker seems like a really cool guy to be friends with (and a bucket load of trouble and fun). Lovely, lovely job!
September 6th, 2011 at 07:04pm