Story Comment Swap

^claimed
Well, I quite enjoyed this piece. It was very eloquent and beautiful. I appreciated it. The first sentence feels like it dose't really seem to flow to me I think that could be fixed easily. I like this guy's self-reflection. I think my favorite parts are both in the first paragraph. I particularly like " My heart throbs, but it feels heavy, as if the muscle is having trouble doing its usual function of pumping my blood." As well that you said "the meteorological conditions". I find myself wondering was this a young love or older? Perhaps they were young and he still mourns for her after all this time? lol because when it's love, it's love. He says "we lost power" but to me it seemed he lived alone.

Touch Me

^CLAIMED.

SecretPiggyMafia:

Okay, first of all, I really like the whole idea of it switching point of view at every break. I also like the descriptive terms that she uses to describe James’s appearance in paragraph two. However, in paragraph four, I’m not sure as to why she thinks the song is about someone else. Judging on what he said, it could have easily been about her. I don’t know what made her automatically assume it wasn’t about her. Maybe this could be explained. And also, my, my, weren’t those lyrics sexual? That totally caught me by surprise. I’ll be honest, this seems to be a love story, but the fact that the lyrics he sang are so sexual seems to make it seem…kind of odd. Like, the sexy lyrics overpower the romance, you know? Maybe there should be more romantic parts put in this to even the mood out, I don’t know. I also feel that the word “her” in sentence two should be italicized for emphasis. Sentence six in the second to last paragraph needs commas, and sentence eight in the same paragraph isn’t a complete sentence. Personally, I feel that this story was a bit too short and would be more enjoyable if it were added on to. It was very cute and sweet, however. :)

I would like a comment on Rarae Aves.

Claimed.

Comment:

Wow, this is such an interesting concept for an AU. I've never really seen anything with fairies like this, so that caught my eye right off of the bat.

Delia seems absolutely horrible right off the bat. I hate the way she pushes Amber around and tries to make her feel like she's nothing. It's absolutely cruel.

I can't believe that Delia blames Amber for the car accident - it's obviously Delia's fault for drinking and driving. So wrong.

I think Amber's character is absolutely adorable. I love how she is so sweet and gentle, even though she is treated horribly. Her stepmother hasn't changed her outlook on life, and I like that she is still trying to stay strong even when times are hard.

Jung Hana is just adorable too. I think his clumsiness is such a cute trait, and I love his curiosity and how he is always interested in learning more, especially more about the humans. His interest is endearing, and it makes it seem like he could be the one to truly care about Amber and her well being.

I think this story is absolutely wonderful so far. Jung Hana and Amber's characters are going to make for an interesting pair, and that's something I love to see in stories. This story has many elements to it with Jung Hana's love for humans, Amber's evil step mother and Jung Hana and Amber's blossoming romance. It all makes for a fantastic story!

I'd like a comment on Fall of Rome

^ claimed fall of Rome.
Comment.-

can I admit that I literally almost cried that the story was over, I got all teary eyed and was like wait what?! No it can't be over. This can't be over! This was...no. is so fantastic. Its so relatable to, knowing the feeling of being hurt and betrayed but trying to stick with the person you love we other it works or not. I sat here reading it, like i know how she feels right now. And I love how he tried so hard for her to fall in love with him again. It was was so flipping sweet and romantic!

My story - Inceput

^^ Claimed Inceput

Comment: I am in love with your banner. That creepy thing is fantastic for the tone I think you’re going for after reading your summary…which also pulled my interest. In your first sentence, there should be a period between rocks and there. It’ll definitely make that sentence flow better. The first chapter has some amazing descriptions, beautiful imagery, but it also has a lot of little grammar things toward the end. At one point you said ‘turn the radio one’. I love when you get to the ending of the second chapter. The drama you’ve created is palpable. My only problem with your story is also my only suggestion. It’s hard to read when there’s a lot of mistakes in the writing, so if you be sure to go back and glance over your chapters just a little… this story would be incredible. (Examples: The second chapter first paragraph has ‘within seconds of behind home’ and ‘They both started at me…’ when you mean ‘being’ and ‘stared’).


My story When Fire Meets Ice

^ Claimed.

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To start off, like most comments because you deserve it, the layout is gorgeous. It's easy to read, elegant and compliments the tone of the story fantastically. The colors are so pleasing and almost reeling, definitely a sure way to hook readers just by the first glance. And for the summary, it's so well-written! I love well written fantasy and I especially love dragons, but bonus: unique dragons and I'm in love. Combining the layout as it is and the summary alone, you have something intriguing right off the bat.

And for the content, your imagery and detailing is amazing, it was like watching a movie and I was entirely mesmerized. You portray emotions so beautifully, it was like being the character rather than reading about them, and I love the old-fashioned dialogue and classic writing style. It still has a sense of uniqueness, but there's this familiar tone in it that settles a reader into a comfortable fantasy--something we know but something entirely new at the same time.

THE SASS, LEILANI. I was probably laughing at more things than I should have been, but that is some intense sass and I love it. I also love her sister in a strange way, and I love their relationship though it's obviously complicated with high-running emotions. Also, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about Damocles. He seems like he has potential to either be a great character later on or a total jerk haha.

I wish I had more time to read it all! I'll definitely be back to finish this because I'm so fascinated with this world you've built and these characters you've brought to life. You have something beautifully fantastic in the makings and I'm painfully curious so I'll definitely be back.

Ollie, Ollie, Oxen Free

^Claimed

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Bare with me for a second, kinda bad at this comment thing.

The story was remarkable. I'm assuming (correct me if I'm wrong) that this speaking of a couple who craves one another in a sexual and emotional manner. The way you strung words together to create such a nice flow and a vivid imagery inside my mind. I think your writing style is amazing and I sincerely hope you don't ever stop writing.

My Story: Dont Fear The Reaper

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Hi I'm from comment swap :)

I love the concept of the story, is it only supposed to be a one-shot? Honestly, you couldv'e turned this into an amazing full length story. With what you have you have good detail and I love the description of the reaper, but that left me questioning is the character a boy or a girl? How young or how old is the character? I found myself not being able to picture this in my head with lack of those details. Other than that, I love the story.
~Sam

Life As A Transgender Male

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I noticed no one commented on this so I figured I would get right to it.

First off, there's an immense amount of potential for this story. I don't know how much of it is autobiographical, but I do have a few tips.

A) Look for anyway you can (within the realm of it being organic) to spice up the story. Not at all to say this was boring by any means - just starting the character waking up, or doing random things that may or may not have reason in the story can get slightly redundant. That's okay, though! Everyone has to start somewhere. Your writing has a good flow, you break it up nicely, and it has the potential to be off the charts amazing, just keep that in mind.

B) Find a writer that you absolutely love, love, love. For example, my top two are Chuck Palahniuk and Kurt Vonnegut. Two completely different writers with similarities that appeal to me: brevity and pinpointing what exactly is important for the story, and penning it often within the first few pages. Of course, CP writes transgressive and KV writes black comedy/sci fi stuff, but I think they're fairly important to look into even though that may not be what you're interested in writing. Alt tip: always read before you write. It gets the juices going, in my opinion.

C) Write loud! Write proud! This can be achieved a few ways: forcing your characters to be seen. Sometimes heard (dialogue) but seen (demeanors, actions, and reactions). The best way to do it to get better in my opinion is to write campy about what the chara's doing at first. Oooh, hair flipping, eye rolling, lazily flipping someone off, whatever. That's all good in well, but intrinsically what I want to see in all sorts of writing is intensity in those actions. Extended tip: these actions definitely need consequences, even if they're miniscule.

If you would like, I would happily link you to some of my favorite articles discussing some of the things I've posted about in this comment. If any of this discouraged you, or hurt your feelings - I'm sorry! None of it is meant as anything more than helpful opinions, which in the end you should pick and choose at your leisure. Remember, no one knows your voice better than you.

Thanks for writing :)

Dwelling Place for Demons

^^^^^ Claimed!

My comment :

I found this story in the comment Swap thread and I was apprehensive to read it because it's been a long time since I actually sat and read a story someone else wrote. Regardless I have to say I forgot how much I liked to read... I was at first a little bit confused as to what was going on and what roles were played by each character; but this was a good thing- my confusion made me want to keep reading to find out. You write very well and you transition beautifully from perspective to perspective. I was a little confused at first with the interchanging of the name Wynter and Dandy- because she had been called Dandy so much I kept associating her with a different person. Again all in all I really really enjoyed this... please update!

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my story

http://www.mibba.com/Stories/Read/604990/The-Blessing-of-Lorien/

^ Claimed.

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Hello!

So, right off the bat, the layout does make it a bit hard to read, and I'm only mentioning that because I try to avoid the default layout when I can- I feel like the custom layouts add another element to the story. The background image would make a great banner, however! I do see some grammatical errors, and some formatting issues, just from glancing over it as well, such as a missing comma in the first sentence, and the letter "T" that should be capitalized, just to name a few. If you'd like, I'd be happy to help out more in that area!

I do like the little description you've added of Zeila's hair, calling it "honey colored," expanding on the previously mentioned blonde. I think you could do without the paragraph describing her at all and just sneak it in here and there.

I was little confused in the second chapter, unsure if they had left on the journey yet or not.

I do like how she isn't automatically accepted as more than eye candy by anyone other than Bilbo. Their friendship seems to be quite sweet. Her last sentence in chapter two fits nicely with the LOTR world, sort of vaguely threatening.

The trip to Rivendell was abrupt too, but I had to laugh at some of the interactions. They were cute. It's obvious Zeila already cares for this band of misfits. I think you did a great job with tapping into the characters' personalities, as well as writing a lovely elven girl. I would've liked to see the trouble she and Arwen got into! :) Zeila definitely earned Thorin's respect by calling him King.

I think with some tweaking, this story could be really good. You've written a character I'd like to know more about, especially why she was invited and more about her homelife. Good start!

In Our Hearts We Must Carry On
(Warning: Abortion)

^^^^ claimed!

-----I have to say that I love this story.

1. I saw one minor mistake, I think it was chapter two, you messedhthe link up for italic so the last part of the story is in italics.

2.I would love to see more of her and Dallas, I think i their relationship is so damn cute.

3. The whole abortion thing, very smart to put a warning for others. I think the way you wrote it was amazing, not to much detail but you were able to grab the emotion. I've been through it, my boyfriend at the time went with me and slept in the waiting room. So this story brought me back to that day (it's okay, I'm okay). I was emotionally okay, he wasn't. He had resentment towards me. Which is understandable. I would love to see what she goes through after emotionally, if it upset her alot and she needs him. If she's just okay, like something very emotional.

Either way, love this story.-----

Ravenous

^Claimed

First off, I will say that I like the layout. A little more detail could be added to the background or maybe around the text, but then again less is more ;) Anyway, I usually don't like supernatural stories involving the stereotypical clash of werewolves and vampires, but this one isn't bad. Your dialogue is believable and doesn't sound stiff or just plain unnatural. Which can be a key element that makes or breaks a story. But, having another personal preference, in my opinion its a cliché to have the main character be the only one who has special abilities, being the last of a race, being more gifted than others, etc. But occasionally I don't mind when the overall scope is well written and this appears to have potential. The only thing I would urge here is to refrain from stereotypical personalities. For example, it's good to have a stubborn/feisty heroine, but also giver her some contrast. Vices and habits that make her appear more real. Show sides of her character that may be soft or silly or maybe even pitiful. But overall, not a bad start. Goodluck!

Strangers Like Me

Claimed.

If not for that comment feed, I never would've found this story.

I really dig this idea and I've got my fingers crossed for a Tarzan/Jane romance. It may be too early for me to know much about Elizabeth so I'll wait for some more character development.

I would like spaces between the paragraphs as well. I can follow your writing well enough (thank you for keeping your sentences concise) but it'd be nice to have some room.

I'm reading this on my iPad so I can't see what layout you've got but otherwise, I'm going to subscribe and I'm excited to see where this goes.

Just Us

Claimed

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I read your first chapter. I found you through the Story Comment Swap thread.

I like your layout. It's simple but it sets a nice tone that goes well with your writing. You have a way of describing things that doesn't necessarily allow me to see the story in my head, but I can feel the emotions you're trying to go for.

I do like the way you write, your sentences have a good flow. I do wish your first chapter paragraphs were separated like your second chapter paragraphs, but that's just me being nit-picky. I'm definitely going to finish reading the rest. Just Us

All Out and Over

^claimed

CementFeatheredBird:

Hi there. I am commenting from the story comment swap thread.

Firstly, the layout is gorgeous! I think it sets the overall mood very well.
The summary drew me in. It gives enough detail without giving away the whole story straight off the bat.

Chapter 1: The description is so vivid. I can imagine exactly what you're describing. I love how deranged Cara seems, how she embraces the very essence of fire and seems as if she is one with the element; a girl born of flames. (Or the girl on fire. Sorry, I had too. I apologize. Back to business.)
I'm curious to find out what Malory's plan is and what Dmitri did. You certainly know how to make a story interesting. Wonderful first chapter. I just might have to come back for more.
Also, I just have to say I love this sentence - He looked as good as the devil in a suit.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm a sucker for men being described as the devil.

Bone Echoes, please and thank you.

Claimed and done.

comment:

Hi there! I am commenting from the story comment swap thread.

Sorry it’s taken over a year for someone to claim this, hope I make up for that

First off, the layout is so awesome and just made me go “wow!” when I opened the tab up to the story! The colors are beautiful and work so beautifully together.

This drabble is absolutely, tragically beautiful. I feel like I’m watching the past unfold right before my eyes, watching the trauma that he felt unravel and catch in the middle of my throat. But someone with post traumatic stress disorder (which he states that he is suffering from) would be allowed to watch fireworks as that’s incredibly triggering as we see with the last paragraph.

This story is heart wrenching and incredibly beautiful. It catches on the readers emotions and makes them sympathise with this poor gentleman who is suffering from being forced into a war at such a tender young age. You also make the sounds he hears so real; you can imagine being in that woods with him, listening to the battle rattling on – it makes me sick to my stomach which is amazing because that’s the kind of emotion that ever writer dies to help the reader feel.

Overall, I’m in love with this story. It’s absolutely beautiful and perfect. Congratulations on how wonderful this piece is, you should be incredibly proud of yourself.

Please comment on Wait and Watch

@ The Color Abi
Claimed and done.

comment:

Story Comment Swap -

Prologue:

It's really short, but I really like how it directs the attention to what this story will be about by the two characters I think will be the main ones.

Chapter One:

I like how this chapter gives us more information about who these characters are and how they got to be so close. It's nice to see how Ron/Veronica also knows that the world is ending - through her visions. Interested to see where this goes.

Chapter Two:

I like the insight we get on her life. And how it explains the stronger bond with Frank. With the support from him, not only in terms of him accepting her visions, but also helping her get through the days without her parents, it makes a lot more sense. I also really like how you bring up the reality for them - getting ready for the trip of their lives.

Chapter Three:

This chapter is really bittersweet. Kinda wondering how long she will go without telling him the truth about her feels. Like, they're already breaking other rules, right? ;)

Overall, I'm really surprised. The chapters are really short, but they give just enough information and insight to who they are, what they're thinking, and what they are going to do next that it keeps the reader wanting more. Keep working on this!

Please tell me about A Demon's Only Wish