Story Comment Swap

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I wish I could say something more than 'it wasn't even okay', but I can't. I couldn't even read it all. The font is bad on the eyes. The title was nice though, but maybe you could just leave it as The Moment of Truth. It sounds much better that way. The summary was okay, but it was too long. Maybe something shorter. I could help if you wanted. Gina Long's name is pretty nice. Reminds me of her being Chinese or something.

Everything was kinda boring and I was pretty down that I couldn't read the whole story because of the font.

Good luck. :]

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It is an interesting plot, I can tell. I like the murder idea and I can see you can definitely make this into an interesting murder mystery. However, your descriptions and sentence structures leave much to be desired. I don't like how disconnected the narrator is from the story. I realize this is probably going to be in third person narrative, but even so, there should be some kind of passion within your words--and I honestly feel nothing. It is very robotic, but robotic to the point where it's boring. You keep referring to the woman as "the victim"; while that's fine, you use it too much it becomes repetitive. There is also no description of the girl save for the blood leaking from her eyes and mouth. I want to know what I am looking at--I want to SEE her lying there. Not be told.

Speaking of repetition, you repeat A LOT of words in the first paragraph:

" People in their apartments began to open their windows to view the violent scene. People began to come down near the crime scene, as well. A man dressed in navy blue and black pants blocked off the crime scene. Only officials were allowed to enter."

That many repeats makes the it sound drawn out and boring. Also, the structure just sounds very passive. Not a lot of action. Just monotonous retelling of events.

Also this line: "No one knew who or what is doing this to women around the world." Is off. Since you are talking in past tense, you need to keep the whole sentence in past tense. So it should look like: "No one knew who or what was doing this to women around the world."

The last line seems just placed there randomly. I don't feel like there is a real build up to make sense of it.

Overall, interesting concept, and I like that you are setting it in a different location. I can see you did you research because I feel like this was a different country. But I think it came off repetitive and boring.

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Before I start the story, I just want to say I’ve always wanted to live in Staten Island. Well, not really but I’d DIE to live in New York City, though the parts of NYC that I most want to live in is usually around the Manhattan area. Anyway, I’m actually going to start commenting. xD Ooh, I like your summary, it doesn’t give too much away and I must say, it is intriguing and it kind of gives me that inner city vibe and about the grittiness and the dirtiness that comes with it. I normally don’t read slash but this definitely sounds interesting.

I liked the choppiness and the disjointed sentences in the first chapter, I can tell that it meant to be like that and that’s how his inner thoughts operate. Okay, when the narrator starts talking about Fight Club and how his reflection makes him look like Tyler Durden and that himself is Ed Norton, I have the feeling the other boy is probably a figment of his imagination? I don’t know, I checked out the character page and there was only Reno listed…? I have no idea, I’m probably reading too much into it, aha. The vibe I’m getting from the narrator is that he’s definitely a control freak and that he likes to be in control, for things to go his way and nothing else and for him to be able to grasp it in his hands at all times. He comes off as slightly neurotic but then again, it’s probably got to do with his control freak tendencies.

Anyway, I loved the chapter. It’s quite thought provoking about the topic of control and being able to control one’s destiny. It’s intriguing. Anyway, like I said before, great chapter :D

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I am reading your prologue and from a few sentences in I was already there, I could picture exactly what the scene held and what was happening. Your description details if you haven’t picked up already are very very good. I felt saddened when I read the part where the girl had died. It s always tragic to read even if it is fiction and I nearly cried (not really but let us say I did). I find myself enjoying this story the more and more I read which I find odd because this is not up my normal alley of stories that I read. I also cannot wait to see the two main characters finally meet. So good job.

.:

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I see that this is a joint story and from the way the summary reads, I'm guessing that both writers contributed to it? If so, I don't think it worked so well. The summary doesn't feel cohesive at all. There's too much overlap (unnecessary repetition) in the description of characters which makes it look like you're trying to jam too separate summaries into one. I'd suggest possibly having each writer go over it and rewrite it in their own way – using the information you've both put together (the current summary) – and then choosing which sounds better and keeping that for the summary. It's a lot easier to switch off on characters as a way of co-writing, than it is to try and work together in such a small space (the one or two paragraphs need for a summary).

Also, there seems to be both an overuse and underuse of punctuation; too much (-) and then too little commas when they're needed.

Like here for example:

Strong and cold he was certainly a mysterious individual whose past was more then questionable.

This should be:

Strong and cold, he was certainly a mysterious individual whose past was more than questionable.

And here:

While he no doubt had a mother and father Elizabeth didn't - she was made.

Which should/could be:

While there was no doubt he had a mother and father, Elizabeth didn't; she was made.

If possible, I think a beta/editor/proofreader would really be able to help out with those small punctuation issues.

* When emphasizing things, I think it's usually best to go with either italics or bolding. Underlining thing always seems to look a little out of place in stories.

Other than that, I think you (both) have an interesting premise going, I just wished you didn't give it all away so soon. I would have liked to learn about the character's (their powers and their past) as I read the story, instead of being handed all that information in the summary. I think it would have been enough to simply say that the two had powers without going into the details of those powers.

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Again, as I read the first paragraph, I'm going to suggest getting a proofreader just to help with punctuation. While I usually love run-on sentences, I think you definitely need some commas in their to break it up. Without it, when reading, it sounds a little breathless, like it's going on and on forever. Like here for example: It was a gloomy and ominous rain that came down from black and deep dark grey clouds that every few seconds were lit white from lightning and the booming sound of thunder was the only thing noticed to be moving at the moment – there's a lot of places where a comma would definitely be helpful to the readers.

As I read through the first chapter, I couldn't help but think that this was a really interesting idea that just needed a bit of technical fine-tuning. But those errors, for me, were too tough to get over. It pulled me out of the story a lot and I couldn't really get the feel of it.

I think that as far as writing styles go, you two are pretty fairly matched. When moving from chapter to chapter, there isn't a big difference in how the two of you write, so it flows fairly easily. The only thing I'd suggest you (both) watch out for is trying to fit too much information in too little a space. There's quite a few places where I can see you're trying to slip in important information but perhaps the wording is too obvious. Maybe you can try saving entire paragraph-blocks for certain explanations of things and placing them in between your paragraphs of description and dialogue.

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So, I read the whole thing and it took me until the end of the first chapter to even realize that this was based (loosely, obviously) off of Twilight. After noticing that, I expected to hate it, but you've done an amazing job writing whatever this is going to be. I love Bella so much more than I can ever emote. She has emotions! And a personality! And that's a lot more than can be said for Ms. Meyer's version of the same character.

I love how real this is. There's no Mary Sueness or utopian silliness written in here. The characters act like real people- grimy and gritty and imperfect. Meanwhile, you stay true to the prewritten character in Bella and Renee.

Thank you so much for writing this.

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Wow, this piece was wonderful. Really, truly it was. Your writing style is amazing and there were no grammatical errors that I noticed and there was not one unnecessary sentence or whatever, which makes this one-shot really amazing. I really liked the mood and the atmosphere of the story, the way how the narrator talks about Victoria is very intimate without going into too much detail, even right before he started throwing around words like ‘loved’, it was clear to the reader that he was very fond of her. You make great use of imagery and it helps describe the narrator’s world and his emotions, also you managed to show Victoria’s personality in just a couple of very well-written sentences, I’m so jealous of people who can do that, haha :D This has a nostalgic tone to it and I get the impression that things with Victoria and the narrator ended really badly, it just leaves me with all sorts of questions, really. It’ll be great if you developed this story into an actual story, like a prologue or something to a chaptered story, I would definitely read it. Well done! :D

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If I remember correctly, I think I left off at chapter 2. Before I begin, however, I find this new layout so, so beautiful and the banner as well. Your layouts are always so cute and elegant and pretty <3

I'll sound like Ronald Weasley right now and totally say, "PARKER NEEDS TO SORT OUT HIS PRIORITIES!" Yeah, I have no idea why that's in quotes, but whatevers xD Anyways, he does indeed need to sort out his priorities. He likes Grace, but like Caroline, but likes Grace even more, but still likes Caroline. Herm. Men. Are they like this in real life? I've met very few who aren't, lmfao. I do like Parker's personality, though. He's pretty much a breath of fresh air amongst all of those emo dudes, band members, and all of the other, er, guys. Yeah. xD

I haven't had the honor of trying that coffee creamer + lighter idea. And neither have I taken Chem before, so that's probably the case why I don't know that experiment. Sounds fun though! I like the relationship that Caroline and Parker have about them. It seems very buddy-buddy like with a hint of romance. Very cute! AND DUDE, RIGHT AT A LAMBO. NO BUENO, NO COOL. Those cars are massively awesome :( PARKER, SAVE THE DAMN CAR!!!! ...okay, that was weird xD

Love Caroline's major boss move. I mean, seriously? That's crazy and awesome at the same time, which you normally don't see very often in stories - or in real life, for that matter - at all. I like this chick! But I like Grace too (:

Anyways, this chapter was absolutely adorable/funny/boss. I find that all of your chapters have this humor about them that pulls the reader right away and doesn't let them go until the very last word. I'm beyond excited to read the rest (: Lovely job! <3

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I know you want a comment on the actual story, but I appreciate layouts when their creator puts some effort into them, and so I'll say a word about that first, before I get down to business. I love this layout. The text is a bit small, but the colours go really well together, and the overall effect is simple and smooth. Nice.

Onto the story itself. I think you have a good introduction. You're a fluent writer, and there isn't much that bothered me. I think you should probably capitalise after a line of dialogue that ends with a question mark, but that wasn't a huge enough thing to really throw me. The introduction anyway gets the issue right out there, so right from the beginning, we see what the story will be about. I also thought that this was a clever way to end it:

“Silly sailor,” she giggled, reaching her hand out to clutch his and pull him forward, till her lips and his were a few inches apart. “My name isn’t Mary…”

That was probably my favourite line.

The second chapter is also good, although disparate. My only qualm here is that the name of your character, 'Ocean' is both difficult to believe and a bit cheesy. You write well, and so I'd hate to see you sell yourself short with cliched premises.

Otherwise, there is nothing stylistically wrong from this, and I can see from the next chapter that it is going places.

Well done with what you have so far, and good luck finishing this!

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Chapter One.

Oh my god, your writing is beautiful. I don't think I have the words necessary to grasp how...haunting (hah, the irony) and resonating the tone of this story is. You've taken something that we generally understand- the build and hurriedness of a city- and twisted it around, bending it and shaping it to tell the story of something completely different. It's gorgeous.

The amount of detail you use is one of the best things I can find (of the very, very many) about this. The way you've described Australia has me in complete understanding, even though I live across the world. The same goes for the narrator's description of her grandfather's garden and how it is while not haunted, the echo of a memory in a place.

I wish I could pick a favorite line, but there are far too many.

Chapter Two.

The first thing I want to say about this chapter is how much I love the timing of your story development. Everything just...unfolds, and it does it in a way that's flawless.

Harvey and Leanna are both original characters right from the start. We don't really know their stories, but already we can see how human they are.

Chapters Three and Four

I don't know how much more I can say on this piece because truthfully, I keep wanting to go back to your stylistic use of imagery. It's, again, beautiful. I love the way you describe the house and its garden. You make it alluring in that old Victorian way.

Harvey and Leanna are again, true characters. They have definite personalities and I truly love the way they were both so lonely before they found each other. I also love how Leanna is ostracized (in her head, at least) for being so thin. It's kind of a backwards notion, but it makes you think.

To conclude, this is a wonderful story. I'm subscribing because I'm dying to know what happens.

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This is my last try, I think. I can’t keep writing this over and over again. - I think this is a wonderful way to start the story. When I first read that line, I really got the feeling that it may have been you writing this line out as you. But, it's not(?), but it really has a very strong personal element to it, and I really quite like that. :)

But I finish what I start. I always finish it. - I also really like these lines here. I like the justification behind the torture and how this flaw brings it all about. I think it's quite neat. :)

and she’s smiling with a playful abandon as she grabs my hand and drags me along. - I like how sweet and innocent this line reads. :) I like that it's the good rather than the bad and how it kind of represents the relationship between the two - she's always grabbing and pulling along, asking to be taught the language the narrator thinks in, ever eager to initiate all these things. :)

I think it's quite nice as a story. I like that this is a plea for the narrator to get the words out in the possible hopes that something else happens, maybe a moving on of sorts, or just a simple reflection to remember. I like how the narrator's identity isn't as important as the identity of Victoria and I like how it's only the good because if I’m going to dwell on the past, I think I’d rather dwell on the good parts of it. And I like how it was the good parts, because all her bad parts were used to fix the narrator.

I like the simple narration of it, the brief scenes in which the reader can catch a glimpse of the relationship between the pair and how these things represented aspects of their relationship. :) It's quite a nice read. :)

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I'm going to begin by saying I love your writing style; it's fluent, and the flow of the story seems natural. You seem to adapt to different voices really well, too - I so often see stories where every character speaks in the same way.

I love the small details you include, which really add to the story and building up the characters - the paragraph near the beginning, where the chalk/markers and Olivia's hatred of their noises are described was really interesting and added a depth. The character of Olivia was believable aand real.

I also like how your character was written as an older person, as opposed to the teenagers that are usually written about on this site.

She was oblivious to the shuffle of papers, the dropping of pens, the sighs of relief and the new focus of the class. For some reason, this line really stood out for me - I like the way you detail everything she is ignoring, for her son's sake. It really helps with the imagery in your mind.

The parts with Vincent and Vic were adorable! I love your characterisation, and though I will admit to not generally enjoying children in fiction, I loved your depiction of a child in this.

“Besides, we’re still making up with little kisses for all the time we’ve lost together.” She leant across his shoulder and pecked him on the cheek.

“You can scratch another one off your tally then,” she murmured. I also loved this part, because it seemed really well constructed and thought out, yet still really pretty and cute.

Overall, I really loved this story and I liked how you wrote so much about such a small time frame. It was cute, and your style fitted it perfectly. I don't know if it's a oneshot, but if not I'd love to read more.

(Also, I'm not sure if this is fanfiction or not - I was reading it as original as I didn't recognise any of the names.)

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Kind of hard to believe mine is the first comment here. You write very well, especially considering your age. It's hard to believe you could be this young.

The story itself is very short -I don't think I've encountered another one here that is a mere 160 words- but it contains some very nice imagery. I particularly liked these bits:

night smudged in dark circles below sunken eyes

For now, the only star is the one lit between his fingertips, silently burning down.

The only criticism I have is that I think you overuse semi-colons. Sometimes, a simple comma would suffice. I also think it would be nice if you explained the poem in the summary. Is it yours?

Other than that, though, this is impressive, and reads like it could be an introduction to something bigger.

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I really like your layout, I normally like layouts that have frames and it looks like everything fits perfectly in a box, but yours is an exception. It’s very nice, plain and simple but the colours and stuff are awesome.

I like the fact that you started off the story with one very simple sentence saying that there are no ghosts in the city and how the narrator just expands on that very simple sentence, turning it into a sort of narrative. Your imagery is amazing, and I definitely could easily visualise the narrator’s aunt’s vegetable patch and the unkempt state it is in. I like how it seems like you’re kind of going backwards, diving into the past and necessary background information before going back and telling the story. I like the fact how you emphasise how skinny Leanna is, by describing the sharpness of her body, it’s not something you see very often to describe a skinny person, people tend to just state it, rather than showing it. Speaking of showing, you master the skill of showing but not telling, relying on your wonderful use of imagery to get your point across. I’m jealous, I can’t ever do that, haha. Anyway, wonderful job, this is really good. It isn’t my style or something I’d read in my free time, but you are a good writer. Again, wonderful job :D

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Alrighty, now I'm on chapter 3! I've actually been thinking about this story quite a bit and I'm beyond glad that I got to claim this once again (:

Lmao, I smell jealousy with Caroline - or some impatientness, whichever way you look at in, either in Parker's or Caroline's point of view(s). Like I said in my last comment, their relationship is so adorable, as is Parker's and Grace's. They seem to have this friendly openness about them that I love. You created these characters that are so captivating; you don't see stories or characters like this on Mibba very often.

Anyways, I think I was right about Caroline's jealousy. Over-jealous, I should say, but hey, when you're in love, everything mkaes you jealous, apparently. Or so my mom and dad say, bahahah. I totally love Paige's text; intervention? Isn't that a bit harsh? He's not a stoner or anything. I do love that show however. And I totally didn't expect Parker's major ass move. Who the hell throws a phone in someone's face, much less a girl's?! Not cool, dude :(

I also really like Paige. She's funny and reminds me of a few friends of mine, haha. She also reminds me of one of those ditzy friends that everyone has, snort, but still, everyone likes her and she's cool.

I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH THIS. I can't wait to read more (: Lovely job! <3

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Okay, so first of all the layout is absolutely beautiful and fits perfectly with the story, the picture at the top is just so deliciously creepy.
Secondly, I was so pleased when I realised this was WWII story, pretty much every story on mibba now is either fan fic or romance and seeing as I am not really a fan of either, this is not good news for me. But being a major fan of war stories this is like a little goldmine to me. Really, I wouldn't have cared how well this story was written because the plotline was great but this was superbly written.
I love how all the character are so incredibly different and if you just had dialogue and didn't say who they were, I'm pretty certain I could pick them apart which is a rarity in the actual world, let alone the written one.
Also, you have quite clearly researched for your story which is a major plus for me. When I see parts of people's stories that are completely wrong and which they have obviously not researched about it slightly puts me off the story because I feel they haven't really put the effort in.
I very rarely come across really good writers on mibba but you are obviously one of them, keep up the good work!

TheRibbonOnMyWrist:

(Writing notes as I read)
So to start off with, the layout’s pretty nice. It’s very simple, so it doesn’t overpower the story, and the picture’s pretty cool. I like the blur in the middle – it’s a nice little unique bit. And the fact that she’s lying in the middle of the street kinda made me laugh, but I’m sure it has some profound meaning to the story.

Chapter one:
“Unperfect” was kind of amusing, too. I’m not sure if that was a slip-up (because it’s actually imperfect), but it was kind of witty thematically. My eyes bugged at “Craig hanging by his perfect little neck from those perfect little rafters.” You slipped it in there so coolly – like it was no big deal and it just sort of happened – that it was kind of shocking.

Chapter two:
It definitely sounds like Leland’s in shock. Just the way he found Craig and was like “yep, no big deal.” He may not realize it, but I think he is. I LOL’ed at Martha’s insistence on spelling things, by the way. That’s a cool character quirk.

Chapter three:
Jackson’s an ass. Plain and simple. My stomach sunk when he gave Leland the noose. Like wow.

Chapter four:
Soooooo Eve sorta weirds me out. At first I was like “oh, awkward misfit,” but then when she started asking Leland what Craig’s body had looked like? Oh my God. What a creepy chick.

Chapter five:
The stiff backs was a good detail. It conveys the tension and forced pleasantness really well without spelling it out. His parents’ therapy sessions are kind of irritating. I realize they’re his parents and they think they know what’s best for him, but I wouldn’t be able to handle that if I were him. I’d probably end up screaming “I’m still here, you know! I can hear you!” They’re really babying him. Give the poor kid some credit. They really need to pay some attention to Rory. He’s the one that’s going to need the therapy if mom and dad ignore him in favor of big brother. Oh boy, Eve again. Eve seems a little…off. I don’t want to say bipolar, and definitely not multiple personality disorder, but she’s got traits of both.

Chapter six:
I retract my earlier statement; Eve definitely has multiple personality disorder. AND VANESSA IS SCARY.

Chapter seven:
Oh my Godddd D= Vanesses is terrible!! She’s such a great character, but that character is truly and completely horrific. Really great job with her. I’m interested to hear more about her.

As for grammar and spelling: your spelling’s great, but you had a lot of comma-splices and sentences that jumped tenses. Just make sure you give your chapters a good read-through before you post them.

Nice story :)

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Chapter One
A smart-ass remark (customary of the ones that used to land me in week-long detentions) plowed to the front of my mouth - I'm not a fan of people putting brackets around sentences when a comma would usually suffice. I think it's to do with the narration, we're already reading the story as told from the character's own mind - kinda thing, so we don't really need to have a thought within a thought, that's what it reads like to me. I don't know, I just find brackets a little funny looking in stories a lot of the time.

“Uh.” I blinked, swallowing it down and struggling for a kind word. - did she swallow the blink down? If not, the full stop needs to be a comma to show that the action is about the dialogue and the not the action following the dialogue.

So, my thoughts:
A) Really? (Note the sarcasm dripping from that word)
B) It’s a bloody fucking name, and
C) Give me my goddamn schedule, Lady! - I also feel that this doesn't quite work well within the structure of the chapter. You go from narrating to listing and while listing is obviously a form of literature and such, it generally looks better like really? with an a note of sarcasm, it's a bloody fucking name, and ........

Just from a first chapter, I kind of feel like the main character is someone that's not going to be entirely convincing. I think her sarcasm and narration is a little too uncalled for. There's not enough in the chapter to let the reader know why she's somewhat like that, she just is and it's not really doing anything for me as a reader. I'm also not sure how NYU administrators are, but it doesn't feel quite right? I don't know if that's because you haven't really explored the actual character and just provided a sarcastic view of her or not - or there's just a stereotypical old biddy of a woman - or what. :/ Or maybe it's because I've never encountered an over exuberant University administrator before.

Chapter Two
(that is, in people terms, not the two letters and accompanying numbers. I never understood the point of the EN102 or three or whatever it was for that specific class. Most of my classes were EN’s or something related; they are, naturally, the foundation of an English major.) - the whole brackets thing, and....I'm not clear on why she doesn't understand the whole course codes, I think that needs to be explained because from an English Lit major perspective.....it's pretty clear why there are course codes.

The professor, Mr. Farrell, - Professor's don't go by Mr, it's either Professor Farrell, Doctor Farrell, or first and last name.

He reminded me of the actor who plays Sandra Bullock’s - played

is the Elizabethan Age. Authors, please - playwrite/playwright, not author

up to make sure I hadn’t attraction the - attracted

His mother was British and his father was Australian. It was hard to pick out which he sounded more like when he spoke, but in the end, it didn’t matter, because his voice was simply sugar and spice, and everything nice. - if he lived in Australia, he'd sound like an Australian. If he lived in Britain, he'd sound British. If he lived in America the whole time....he'd have an American accent.

I think everything happens way too fast in this chapter. Suddenly she's at a class, and then suddenly she has a new (probable) love interest, then she's going out on the town and she's already getting into cat fights, in a way. It doesn't really work well. I think if you slowed it down and put more into describing the characters, the events in her life leading up to it and all, it would sound read a lot better. But at the moment it just reads like a transfer student with an obvious love interest and some bitch who might just get in the way at a later point in the story.

It just doesn't seem too developed at this point, and that's a shame, because that's only two chapters in, and I'm sure this could be pretty good and humorous, but it's just not there at this point. :/

But I will say that you do have some good moments of description hidden in the story. :)

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I can't believe I'm the first person to comment here! This must be a new story. Before commenting on the story itself, I just wanted to say that I think you did a nice job of the layout. It's simple, but very clear and readable, so well done there.

On to the actual story itself, this is sort of a shocking way to introduce the characters, but I think you handle it delicately. It's very emotional. The third paragraph is where it really starts to come alive, in my opinion, with that bit about her curling up in the sheets and not being wanted anymore. I think that's the crux of this opening part- that's what it's all about.

Just for a minor nit-pick, I'm a little uncertain about this line:

No night would ever be like they were.

I'm not immediately sure whether it's a grammar or an expression issue, but I think that in context, this should be phrased differently. Something like, 'No night would ever be the same,' or, 'The nights would never be the way they used to be.'

My only other criticism is that the first chapter peaks too early, and after you've gotten the issue out there in the open, certain parts are repetitive. For instance, we have the image of him pulling out twice, and we also get walked through the fact that he goes to the bathroom twice, when we really just want to get to that bit at the end, about the phone- that's the next point in the plot.

This said, your description is good, and your writing style seems fine. They're enough to carry this along, but I just think it would be safer not to rely on them alone, where possible.

Best of luck for continuing this!

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I like the title, first off. It really made me want to read the story.
It made sense because it matches the first sentence. I like your…metaphor (metaphor?) that ghosts are memories.
And I just adore your writing style. Everything is so easy to visualize. I almost felt like I was actually there, if that makes any sense. Your eerie descriptions and comparisons add so much. Especially compared to most people on this website—myself included, I guess—you’re a genius with words.
And yes, I do like the layout. It’s simple and very easy to read, and not distracting like some layouts can be.