Personal Advice Column: September 2010

I like my guy friend . . . A lot. He makes me smile like you wouldn't believe; he makes me laugh; he makes me happy! One time, I spent a whole day with him and I had butterflies for a week- it kind of hurt. (x But . . . He likes one of my friends that I'm having problems with right now and two of my best friends like him a lot as well. I already told them that I don't like him, but . . . I do. Should I just give up? - Billy

I'd say “been there, done that,” except I am there, and I am doing that. So I'm going to give you the advice that I myself refuse to follow, because I am a pansy that likes to avoid awkward situations...but hopefully you can get something out of it. Tell him you like him. True, if the feelings aren't reciprocated then that could make for a spot of awkwardness later...but what is there to lose on this one? He either returns the feelings and you can start working on something there, or he doesn't and you can then work on not being so hung-up on him. Rejection hurts, I know, but stringing yourself along and torturing yourself about a guy hurts just as much, usually. I'd also suggest talking to your friends about it; admitting that you actually like him, and seeing what they have to say about it. (That way, if you do end up talking to him about it, they're not going to feel like you went behind their backs and you can hopefully avoid a little drama.)

- Z (space alien).

I'm bisexual, I have been for quite some time. All my friends know but my family doesn't, I really want to tell my mom, but I'm scared. She doesn't think it's possible for someone to like boys and girls. I don't want her to think it's just a phase and not take me seriously. How do I get her to take me seriously? - M.R

When I came out to my mother (years ago), I was a sobbing mess, terrified at how she would react and preparing myself for the worst. I was also clad in Halloween makeup, including a black bar over my eyes, so I looked an absolute mess. She just laughed at me, and when I told her she just sort of looked at me oddly and then said, “Oh. I thought you were going to tell me that you're pregnant. So this...that's all right, then.” Therefore...I suggest that you go into it with an open mind, just like you would prefer your mother to. Go in and don't expect the worst...she might surprise you.

My father was actually the one that didn't take me seriously. I didn't push it, because I knew that my proclamations on the subject would only come off as immature in his eyes – it should only matter to you, what you think about what you are. If either of your parents choose to take the “I can't take her seriously, she's probably just going through a phase,” stance, then nothing you can say is probably going to change that. It took a few years, but once my father realized I was just being me and not trying to convince him of anything, he accepted it. It's the best we can do, in a situation like this. Either way, I wish you luck.

- Z

I find myself in a pickle, if you can call it that. There's a guy that likes me quite a lot, and I like him too. He's nice, and funny, and we get along good. However, he's six years older than me. Should I be bothered by the age difference? Or should I suck it up and give the nice guy a chance? Sincerely, Love Whispered (Desiree)

Well...first off, a question. With this age difference being on the forefront of my mind...are you a minor? If so, my advice leans so far towards the, “ABANDON SHIP. DANGER, DESIREE, DANGER,” standpoint that you should be able to hear the sirens spouting out of my ears from where you are.

Otherwise, if you are of legal age...this one is really up to you. Focus less on the age difference, and more on the person that he is. Think about where you are in your lives. (Which can be important, especially if you're still in school but he's already on a career path.) One of my ex's, who remains a good friend to me even now, is about eight years older than I am. (I'm 22, he just turned 30.) Things didn't work out for us, but I have no regrets about our relationship and our ages had nothing to do with why we broke up. Look at your guy as a person, not a number. And good luck.

- Z

I have recently found myself to be in a horrible ditch of low self-esteem. It's gotten to the point that, no matter what I or anyone else says, I don't want to leave the house in fear I'll be ridiculed. How can I...stop being this way? I know it can't be good for my emotional, or physical health. - Anonymous.

You are correct - not leaving the house is most definitely not good for your emotional health, or your physical health, either. The best thing I suggest for you to do is to go see a therapist. You may think that sounds a little harsh, but this doesn't sound like a one-time incident. This is a serious problem that a lot of people face. It would most probably be best for you to seek professional help and try to nip this in the bud as early as possible - so that it doesn't become a problem for you later, lurking in the back of your mind.

- Amber

I've recently started dating the boy I've liked for a few months. He's my first boyfriend, but I'm not his first girlfriend. I've never really been comfortable with physical closeness, even something as simple as hugging or sitting in close proximity to someone, and he's no exception. I'm pretty sure he knows that I'm not okay with being in close contact with people (he completely understood that I wouldn't kiss him after he asked me out), but I'm still worried that he's going to get tired of it eventually and that it might be something that could cause the end of our relationship. It seems to be something that I can't just "get over" as I get more comfortable with someone. Help?

Really, the best I think you can do in your situation is just talk to him about it – and not just the part about you feeling awkward about physical contact, but that you worry about how it might affect your relationship down the road. Ask him how serious he is about this relationship, and try to gauge how he feels about the fact that it could be a long while before you feel comfortable enough to engage in more physical activity with him – if you even get to that point with him at all. He deserves to know where you are with this kind of thing just as much as you deserve to know how serious he is about helping you maintain your comfort level. Neither of you are really going to know where to go from here until you get this out in the open, most likely.

- Z

I completely agree with Z, here. This seems like a huge deal for you - and I imagine it is - so it's best to get it all out in the open right now, before you two run into some drama about it later. I suggest you broach the subject directly but also tactfully. You don't want to skirt around the issue, especially if he knows it's a big thing for you, and he deserves to be able to express his opinions on the matter as well as you deserve to tell him about your feelings.

- Amber

My boyfriend's mom died about two years ago, before we started dating. Every so often he'll say something about her, which is fine because I want him to be able to talk about anything with me, but at the same time, I don't really know how to respond. So far he's only brought her up in text messages, so I have a few minutes to freak out and think of an answer. I'm afraid that he's going to mention something in conversation, or that I'm going to say the wrong thing. I'm not really comfortable with asking questions about her, or asking him to avoid talking about her. Any suggestions?

Honestly, and I know this will sound odd when considering the seriousness of someone losing a parent, I think you might be putting a little too much thought into all of this. Clearly, he's felt comfortable enough now and then to mention his mother...if he wasn't comfortable with bringing her up, out of the blue, then he probably wouldn't have at all. There's absolutely no reason to “freak out” when she's simply brought up in conversation. If there comes a time that he wants to talk about her in a more serious setting, perhaps even discuss how he feels about her passing, then the best you can do is simply be there for him. But until that time, just try to keep your cool about it. A friend of mine lost his mother a few years ago, too. He likes to talk about her now and then simply because he loved her, and he likes to keep her memory alive. He even jokes about her from time to time, because he's comfortable enough with it to do so. Just gauge his comfort level with it, and go from there.

- Z

Z is right - the best thing you can do is just be there for him. As long as when he mentions her it's not anything super serious, you shouldn't be too worried about it. It's easy to get caught up in everything you say and do with your significant other, especially when it's something as serious as a close family member passing away. But if your boyfriend doesn't put a lot of stress on it, neither should you! (This doesn't mean you should disrespect her, of course.) Act according to how he acts about bringing her up into conversation, and you should be fine.

- Amber

I suffered from anorexia two years ago, and I finally got over it. Lately I have been feeling a little pudgy, and I started again, 3 days after I started I was told I was beautiful 4 times. It's beginning to make me feel like the only way I am beautiful, is if I don't eat. How do I make myself beautiful, without having to starve? How do I stop slipping up when I notice a difference in my weight?

Please help!

- Alexa

Anorexia is a serious issue and can lead to a lot of physical and emotional problems. The fact is that you ARE beautiful, whether you gain a few pounds or not. If you were treated for anorexia by a professional when you beat the disorder the first time, you will have learned that anorexia is something that you're always going to be battling. If you didn't seek professional help last time, I suggest you do so again.

The process of learning to love your body as it is and being able to eat regularly and healthily is a somewhat long and rigorous process that would be best dealt with by counselors. The first step is always admitting where you're going wrong - you know that you shouldn't starve yourself to be "beautiful," so good job on you there.

- Amber

My friend is incredibly selfish. She always wants to hang out at her place so she doesn't have to walk or get the bus back (but I have to instead), she forgets things we've planned or occasionally drops them completely to spend time with her boyfriend or other friends, she's completely inconsiderate of anyone else's feelings and says what she wants to every one calling it 'honesty' when really she's just trying to hurt people. She always expects other people to adjust their life around her too but never puts the effort in. Also, she puts herself on a higher level than everyone else and looks down on them, claiming they all dislike her because she's amazing, not because of her attitude towards others. Yet, if anybody does these things to her, it's a whole other story! she blows up completely. Now, I've addressed some of these situations. I've told her if she doesn't either go out some where or come to my house, I won't see her. This has worked a few times (though only because of the way she acts, she has no other friends. This makes me her only social life >_O). I've also pointed out her leaving me for her boyfriend and all she's said is, 'Well, I can see you anytime.' I really don't know what to do. If I leave her, she's then all on her own and I'd feel guilty. But if I stay around her, she's just going to get worse and keep doing what she's doing. Quite honestly, not only am I sick of it, but she treats me quite poorly when she's in a bad mood (which happens often).

There comes a point where you have to think about why you're friends with the people you call as such. Just take a moment, and think about all of the qualities that you like about this girl. Why do you stay her friend, besides that you'd feel “guilty” if you no longer were? If it comes to the point at which you decide that there aren't any reasons to be friends with her besides that...I think it's time to make a decision about how much you hang out with her, or if you even should at all. If anything, you need to talk to her about this before you truly begin to resent her (if you don't already). It's fair to her, and to you.

- Z

I have a question, or rather, I need some advice with guys. How can you tell if they're interested in you and how do you strike up a conversation with them to know if they'd like you? I met this guy in a grocery store and well... I don't know how to talk to him. I'm an extremely shy person around people that I like and I don't know what to say. Help? -Phantomhive

I'm going to give you the advice I always give to people in this situation: tell him you like him, and see if the feeling is mutual! It's hard, I know, to come clean to someone about how much you like them...but what would you rather do? He could be just as shy as you, and if neither of you make a move you could both start to assume that the other isn't interested at all. Take a chance. It might be worth it.

- Z

It's not easy talking to someone you don't know - I'm more than familiar with this. However, with a bit of practice it can become easier to strike up a small, chit-chat conversation with people you don't even know, which can obviously lead to other conversations if things seem to be going well.

The general consensus is that, if you're waiting in line at the grocery store or something of the like, you might think about how humid the weather is outside when you glance out of a window. In order to draw other people around you into the conversation, you could state your observations in the form of a question. Turn toward the person you want to talk to and remark, "It's quite hot out today, isn't it?"

One could assume that this type of conversation could also be applied to other areas of life, presumably not when one is in line at the supermarket. So I suggest striking up a casual chat with this guy, and pay attention to where his eyes go and his mannerisms. If he leans in closer to you when he speaks or when you speak, if he tends to keep his eyes focused on you rather than wandering around the place, if he touches your arm unnecessarily - these are all signs that point to him liking you without you really asking him outright. Of course, every person is different, and some people may just do these things subconsciously, so take that into consideration.

- Amber