Personal Advice Column: July 2010

So, I have a friend that expects me to buy her lunch every week day, always get the bus to her house, etc. I get £10 a week from my parents for lunch, bus fare, things I need from college...you get the idea, it's all for college purposes. Her mum gives her £20 a week for such things. Now, she uses less than £10 of this for bus fare, which leaves the rest for college, food, that kind of thing. But instead, she pockets the money and expects me to pay for everything. At first I offered to do this because she didn't have any money for lunch one week after her mum forgot to give her £10. But since then, she's expected me to continue paying. I've worked out I can save almost half of what my parents give me each week if I stopped paying. I've told her this; I've gone straight home from college a few times instead of hanging around for lunch just to avoid this and even lied about not having any money left so as not to pay. I've even noted once or twice that she has taken odd bits of change from my jacket pocket, purse, etc, when she thinks I can't see (again, I have confronted her.) She's a nice person, but there's only so much I can take. Now it's the holidays, her mum’s still giving her the money every week so she can use it to meet up with people instead of hanging around the house. She still expects me to come to her and to now bring food to her house instead of buying her lunch in town. I'm seriously considering ditching her as a friend completely. I don't want to, but she's pocketing over £40 a month, whining she has no money and trying to spend all of mine at the same time. Is there any solution other than ditching her?

That does pose a serious problem. I would suggest flat-out addressing the situation, saying that you’ve noticed all of these things (you said that you’d told her you could save a bunch of money by not paying, but I don’t know if you’ve talked to her about all of the things you just mentioned here) and that if she’d like to continue hanging out with you, then she best adjust her behavior. If none of that works, and your talk seems to fall on deaf ears, it appears to me that you could also try to have more than one person have lunch with the both of you or hang out with you when you’re with her? That way there’s another person who’s a witness to this and could help you in confronting her.

Short of that, there isn’t really a whole lot else you can do but cut her out of your circle of friends. If she continually uses you just as a way to get free food, then she’s not really putting a whole lot of effort into your relationship and it seems as though she doesn’t value you except for the things you buy for her.

- Amber

I'm just gonna cut to the chase: I'm afraid of any sexual intimacy. I can't get past kissing without freaking out or completely shutting down and pushing whoever I'm with away. I'm so afraid, that I haven't even had a boyfriend in over a year because I'm afraid that he'll dump me or look at me with pity when I explain why I'm so afraid. Is there anything I could do to fix what’s wrong with me?

Okay, one? There’s nothing “wrong” with you, not really. Whether your issues with sexual intimacy stem from past traumas or are naturally occurring, it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything to be “fixed.” Trust me, been there, done that, and it can take a very long time to finally feel comfortable enough to take that step. The important thing to remember is that, really, there’s no rush about it. There’s no deadline that’s coming up, stating “you have to have sex by this day.” Just take your time, and find your own comfort level in it. Forcing yourself into anything when you’re not ready for it is just going to cause more problems later on. And if the guy cares, really cares, he’ll help you through it, or not, at your pace.

- Z

Hello. I am a girl and my life is in the loo. I have trouble playing the sport of my dreams because I hurt myself. I have exams and I am just really tired. I find that I am working for all of July and going camping with my boyfriend very shortly. And the family. I am losing faith in my ability to have friendships, and people irritate me. I really wish I was a touch smarter and could write more than one chapter without getting bored. I also wish I could fix my look, which is horrid because of the amount of stress I've had on me as of late. Please help me!

- A

Are you asking how to get your life back in order, or how to deal with everything? I think you’re just feeling overwhelmed with what can happen to young lives – copious amounts of stress. So much is pushed on you; better grades, better performance, always giving 120% when you have nothing left to give. My suggestion is to take up something that will help you feel better and not focus so much on the negative – start doodling, or reading, or taking twenty minutes out of your day to write your thoughts in a journal. If you can pick out your threads of thought and figure out why they’re there, THAT'S where you’ll start feeling less stressed.

I’m sure by now that your exams are over and by the time the magazine goes out, you’ll be camping with your boyfriend or even working, since it’s July. Hopefully those will have lessened the anxiety some. If you still feel irritable around people, I don’t think it’s necessarily such a bad thing. Maybe it’s a drawn out sort of mood swing. If this persists say, over the next six months? Then I would start to seek professional help in the form of a therapist or counselor.

- Amber

So I am talking to this guy, and he told me he thought we would be really good together because we have a lot in common, we like the same things, and because we are looking for the same thing in a person. What do I say to that?

- Ness

It depends on what you would want out of the relationship. If you’d want to be with him in a romantic relationship, then you would maybe agree and say, “Yeah, I think so, too,” or something along those lines. But if you just wanted to be friends, you could say, “Yes, but I see us more as friends,” or “You can have a lot in common and still be friends.”

- Amber

I just got back from art camp, and started talking to a girl I like again. The problem is, I don't think she really wants to be with me anymore. She just got out of a bad relationship and I've been waiting for her for a long time. Should I ask her how she feels, or should I just let it go?

I would say that you should wait a bit so that you don’t fall into the dreaded “rebound” category, especially if she’s coming out of a bad relationship. Then tell her how you feel/ask her if she feels the same. If yes, then that’s fantastic for both of you, and if no, then you should respect her wishes. At least then you’ll have a definite answer and it won’t be up in the air for weeks/months/years/etc. in your mind.

- Amber

I recently went to a graduation party with my sister and her family. It was for her husband’s cousin so, of course, almost all of his family were there: including his younger brother. I've known him almost all my life and have always found him attractive but I never actually felt anything for him until that night. He asked me to dance with him a couple times before a slow song came on and I finally accepted. After that, he talked to me a little bit and after a while went off to talk to other people. Since then I've hung out with my sister’s family and him a few times. We went to a water park and he'd grab my waist or wrap his arm around me for no apparent reason. I don't really know what to do. He just turned 19 in May and I'll be 16 in October. What should I do?

Honestly, maybe you need to really think about his actions and decide if they mean what you seem to think they mean. I have plenty of guy friends who aren’t interested in me romantically, who like to mess around and grab my waist or wrap their arms around me – just for fun. For one of my friends, it’s routine for him to be incredibly physically affectionate with his friends that are girls; lying together all curled up on the floor or in the hammock on the porch, etc. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s into you, so you need to consider that this could just be a comfort level thing – you’ve known him almost all your life and you connected a little more closely than you usually ever did by dancing a bit at a party. It could mean something, but it might not.

Either way, I do suggest that you consider your ages and your safety as well as his safety. You’re 15, he’s already 19. If anything does happen between you two, even anything innocent, he could still get in hot water for anyone else who might want to point an accusing finger at him. And you need to be watchful, as well, because when I think of a 19 year old boy that has interest in a 15 year old girl…well, it doesn’t exactly reek of “innocent” intentions - at least not in my book.

- Z