Personal Advice Column: June 2010

I was just wondering if you had any tips on how to ask out a guy? I'm really shy and I can't seem to just ask him, even though I've liked him for a couple of years now.

Honestly? I’ve found that the best approach is an honest one – in most aspects of a relationship, even the possible beginning of one. How is he supposed to know you’re interested if you don’t tell him? And I know, it’s a terrifying thought to be the one to ask someone out, but it’s always worth it in the end. Either he says yes and there’s something there, hopefully something good, or he says no. Which is unfortunate, yes, but wouldn’t you rather know?

-Z

Recently, I've grown kind of distant from my friends. We don't talk outside of school anymore, and even in school we don't really talk that much. I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone without any friends and I don't want that to happen. I don't know what to do to get us talking like we used to. Help? - Anon

You could always make more of an effort to speak to them, like going out of your way to start a conversation with them. Or just simply ask them how they are and what’s going on in their life – that usually works for me, though I am more of a listener and more content to hear people talking to me rather than talking to people. If that’s not really your cup of tea, you could also try just being around them more, if possible. However, if you find that you and your friends don’t have that much in common anymore and that’s why you are becoming more and more distant from one another, then the best bet for you, Anon, would be to find some other friends who are more similar to you. I know nobody wants to be friendless, but it’s also important to have the RIGHT friends. Quality over quantity, Anon. -Amber

Well, I have a friend who is really, really depressed and I'm not sure how to talk to her about how she is feeling. Every time I bring it up she says things like, ''I'm just sad,'' or she will get all snarky and make a comment that tells me she is in denial. I really care about this friend. What can I do? - Frenchie X.

Just be honest with her. “Friend X, I’ve been noticing lately that you’ve seemed a little down…is there anything you want to talk about, or anything that I can help with?” Don’t push it if she really, truly doesn’t want to talk about it – just let her know that when she is ready, if she decides that she is ready, you’ll be there for her when that time comes. And really, if she seems to be getting worse and you begin to feel more concern for your friend, don’t discount perhaps talking to a school counselor or a parent about your friend. They could give you more advice on how you can help, or maybe even convince her to talk. -Z

I'd really like to go to therapy, but I don't know how to approach the subject with my parents. What's the best way to talk to them about it? - Sincerely, Anonymous.

I think it would be best if you talked with them and told them some reasons why you think going to therapy would be a good idea, and why it’s best to talk to a trained professional rather than “spilling your guts out” to a family member or friend or a journal. Parents usually want the best for their child, and if you provide ample, logical reasoning, then I’d be willing to bet that they’d come around and give you the support you need, as long as the money doesn’t play a huge issue. However, as far as broaching the subject, I think it would be best to come outright with it. There’s no need to be circuitous when talking about something as fundamental and beneficial as therapy. - Amber

My sister has problems. She's bipolar and has social anxiety. I'm bipolar and have generalized anxiety. She lashes out when she's threatened; I get depressed. She gets angry, says mean things for no reason, makes me cry, and is a hurtful person. I love her, but she gets so bad that when she's nice for a few days I end up crying because I miss her so much. I don't know what to do. Help?

The best thing you can do, at this point, is let your sister know how you feel about the way you feel she is treating you. If that doesn’t work, if she continues to lash out—even without letting you talk to her at all about it—then write a letter! Letters can be a much easier way for you to get all of your feelings out, uninterrupted. Hand it to her, or leave it on her bed, and make sure that she understands that she needs to talk to you about the letter and what it says, after she’s done reading it. Also, perhaps make the suggestion that she also write a letter in response. If things get better from that point, you can gradually work towards discussing things face-to-face, and improving on your current situation. I would also suggest talking to your parents about what’s going on – not in an accusing way, just sit one or both of them down and explain to them why you feel the way you do about your sister, and ask them for advice. Ask for help, never accuse, otherwise they could take it as you asking them to punish her. -Z

I've been talking to a boy for a few months now, and it's developed and we both have feelings for each other. But, it's not all that simple as he's already in a relationship and there's also a distance issue. He's coming to visit in a few weeks, and there's been talk of us possibly sleeping together. It's something we both want, and I honestly trust him, but of course, he has a girlfriend and would be cheating, and I don't want it to ruin the friendship we have. Even though I think in some ways it might clear up a few things and actually help us move on. I'm seriously at a loss as of what to do and would be grateful for some advice. Should I allow it to happen, or not?

If he’s already in a relationship and is flirting with someone – you, Anon – who is not part of that relationship, that should be a red flag. He seems willing enough to cheat on his current partner; who’s to say this boy couldn’t do it again with his next relationship partner, which very well could be you? I wouldn’t risk the potential fallout of yours and his friendship, as well as making an enemy out of his girlfriend. It’s just safer for everyone involved. -Amber

So I share a house with four other roommates and lately I've been having an issue with...boundaries. It's specifically this one roommate who has been regularly using my deodorant, despite my complaints and views on it being completely repulsive. Talking to him doesn't work. He's got a head made of brick and ears stocked with cement apparently. Short of murder, which...is an option, or threats to his manhood, what can I do? -Youknow.

Honestly, I’m going through the same exact thing right now. I also live with a number of roommates, and now and then there is one person who crosses the boundaries – eating our food, using our dishes and not cleaning them afterward, turning the heat up too high when it’s not needed, etc. So trust me when I say that I know your pain. For us, what has worked on occasion has been drastic measures – sitting that roommate down with everyone else and having an “intervention”, for example. Otherwise, if your roommate refuses to listen to reason, or agrees but just goes right back to doing it, I see you as having two options: 1.) Begin to consider if this person is someone you feel you can continue to be a roommate with. 2.) Or, start to keep your personal belongings away from him. One of my roommates keeps her own plates, bowls and cutlery in her own room (and as do I), and I also keep non-perishable food items in my room (in a wooden cabinet). A former roommate had a mini-fridge in her room, where she kept some of her own food items. So just keep your deodorant hidden in your room somewhere, and perhaps suggest that he go buy his own. (If all else fails, just buy him one of those 99 cent ones from the travel bins at your local drug store.) -Z

I'm going through a really tough time right now. My parents just found out that I'm in a relationship with my best friend, a chick. They said they're mostly upset because of the "deception", which I understand, but I also had legitimate reasons not to tell them. We've been together for years and I love her more than anything. My mom has this idea of my girl in her head and she's convinced that she's this evil manly lesbian who's brainwashed me, because I think men are handsome, but I like being with a chick. I like being the guy, I like the role we play in each other's lives and either way I love her. I'm attracted to her, we're both good to each other and we make each other happy. Once I'm 18 it's not going to matter what they think and I can try reintroducing her to them. She's a good, clean girl and I feel like if I was their son (even though my parents are pretty liberal about that kind of thing, it's just different when it's your kid you know?) or if she'd been properly introduced under "normal" circumstances they would have liked her. I'm sad and stressed and I was hoping you could give me some advice to keep me sane, tips on the best way to handle the situation, the stress, and tell me it's okay. I just want to feel like someone gets it.

It’s more than okay for you to have a girlfriend. Parents still are generally stressed about homosexuality, no matter how liberal they can seem – they grew up twenty, thirty, forty or more years ago, where being gay was something you never told anyone and consisted of you pretending to be straight while sneaking off to gay bars to have wild, illicit sex (obviously this was mostly propaganda). They aren’t totally into the idea that being gay isn’t a bad thing and it’s not only the stereotypical butch lesbians or effeminate gay guys that populate the “gay subculture”. As for handling the situation, I think you’ve got a good grasp of what you should do. There’s no harm being caused except for them being lied to, and once you feel like that hurt has been somewhat healed and you reintroduce your girlfriend later, your parents will probably be more open to the idea, after having time to get used to this shift in your life. Just stay strong, Anon. -Amber

Hi, I'm questioning my sexual preferences. How do I decide what I want? - Anonymous

There is no “right” or “wrong” way to figure out whether you like males or females. For every person it’s different - the way they figure it out and the reasons behind why they like who they do. Personally, I believe that sexuality isn’t 100% defined – especially if you’re a teenager – and that you shouldn’t try to constrain it too much, because there could always be an exception. However, most people take to kissing both sexes to see which one they like more. I think if you REALLY wanted to figure it out, you should think about who you can see yourself in a romantic relationship with twenty years from now – ANY male or ANY female. This includes not just sex, but sitting on the couch watching TV, coming home late at night after work and finding them passed out in bed, going to events with, everything. That should give you a better idea. -Amber

Hi, I have this friend who we will call Sally. Sally doesn’t brush her teeth or her hair. Sally doesn't stink or anything, but it bothers me. The only time I think she washes her hair is when she dyes it which she does quite often. It really, really looks as if she is balding, and whenever I tell her it’s not good for her hair, she tells me to shut up and shrugs it off. I love Sally; she is one of my best friends, but I don’t want to offend her. Her teeth are really yellow and it’s ugly. On top of all that, she has bad acne. What should I do? - Hopeless

It’s always hard to confront friends about personal issues – especially ones that involve their personal appearance and hygiene. Is there any “easy” way to go about this? Not a universal one, anyway. First, however, you need to decide what you want to get out of talking to her. Are you actually concerned about her health? Or are you just concerned about having a friend who you don’t find physically attractive? If it’s the latter, you might have more thinking to do than just “how do I talk to her about this?”. Otherwise, as I tend to say about a lot of problems presented to me via this advice column…honesty is key. Just tell her that you think she’s really damaging her hair, and express your concern for the state of her teeth. But remember, hygiene is a personal responsibility – you can’t make her change her ways, you can only suggest. In the end, it’s still on her. -Z

My mind's killing me. I can't make myself even fake liking school anymore, much less try to understand it. Form seven is so hard for me right now. I don't know how I can cope and I know I can't just drop out. It'd kill my mum. Any advice on how not to let high school senior year wear me down?

I felt this way only a few months ago. I’m not a high school senior but I do know of quite a few who also feel the same way, and this has helped them (and myself): think of your future. Things may be hard now, but if you drop out and make life easier now, who’s to say it’s going to be easier in five years? It won’t be. It will be much, much harder. It pays to put in the hard work early and reap the benefits later. In one of my classes, I was taught a valuable lesson by none other than Dave Ramsey: “Live like no one else today, so you can live like no one else tomorrow.” Sacrifice now so you can have luxuries later. You don’t have to go onto higher education, like college or technical school. You’ll put your last bit of effort into something you’ll never have to see again. You’ll feel accomplished for finishing something with a bang and with your effort. Just stay strong. Sheer will and determination can get you to the finish line on that graduation stage. Don’t get too caught up with others around you who are also falling into that “Senioritis” trap. You can finish high school proudly. -Amber

I accepted that I was bisexual a while ago, but I'm still extremely nervous about telling people. The one person I'm especially worried about telling is the girl who I developed feelings for, who made me realize this. How should I go about telling her, and should I let this girl know that it was her I liked, and still do? - Confused

That depends. What do you want from this girl? It may be obvious to you now, but take a moment to think about it. Being still hesitant to tell others about your sexuality, are you also ready to take on the challenge of a relationship with another girl (assuming she, too, likes girls?). It’s important that you consider these things when thinking about this girl. What kind of relationship would you like to have with her? And consider her feelings, too – will you want to hide your relationship, or are you ready to be “out” and in one? How is she going to feel about either choice? If you feel like telling this girl about your feelings for her is the right thing to do…well, only you would know if it’s the right thing, not me. But good luck, with whatever you decide. -Z

Hey guys! I'm trying to become better at public speaking. I've done it a lot throughout my school career, and I mean A LOT. I do it at least once or twice every four or five weeks. But I can never seem to get it right. Do you have any tips on getting rid of pre-speaking jitters? - Elf

Elf, all I can say is to not over think it. Whenever I have to get up in front of people and make a speech – which is more or less how much you do so – I just can’t think about it too much right beforehand. Obviously I prepare and rehearse to get my act together and so I know what I’m doing, but if it’s an hour beforehand, I just don’t think about it. If you think about what you’re going to do, you inevitably think about how you’re going to mess up. If you envision yourself messing up, there’s a higher chance you will. It’s the mind over matter thing: sports players envision themselves making the perfect shot, the perfect goal. Because they see it in their minds, they’re more likely to believe that they can do so. The same goes for the negative – the more you play in your mind all of the ways that you can mess up, the higher the likelihood that you will. Just stay calm, take deep breaths, know your stuff, and don’t over think; you should be all set. -Amber

I've tried, and tried, and tried. I want my story to be like those novels that you read on here, the ones that should be published. I continue writing, and partake in contests, but I'm not getting any better. I need help. - Ash

I think you’re right on the money, Ash – you need HELP, as in other people who are willing to help you specifically with your writing and its good and bad points. Participating in contests is nice to see how you rank amongst others, but it’s not helpful in improving your own writing. The reason I liked Mibba was because, once upon a time, I was a pretty bad writer but a few friends – who have now long left the site – decided to really nitpick my writing and tell me what I should improve upon. With their constructive criticism and the fact that I sort of inhaled books back then, I remembered what I liked when I read, and what constructive criticism I received and I just went with it. You can do the same thing, too. There are plenty of people – myself included – who would enjoy looking at your stories and helping you with anything you need assistance on. Feedback is the most important when you’re first developing a skill and writing is no exception. -Amber