Personal Advice Column: October 2010

Okay, so I like this senior in school. He's sweet, a band geek (like me! Woot! Band Geeks Unite), very helpful, and a cutie. Here's the catch: I'm a freshman, and, everyone knows that a freshman and a senior can't really... date. If we can't do that, I'd definitely love to be friends with him, but I don't know if we have any classes together. D: I'm also extremely shy, so I can't just go up to him and say, "Hey! What's up?" or something. I'm thinking about forgetting about him, and telling myself it's a lost cause.

What should I do?

Help! : (

I have friends in marching band and they come into the same dilemma. The reason that freshmen and seniors don't usually date is because seniors are four years older than freshmen. While this doesn't matter as much once one reaches the age of twenty, in the teenage years, four years means a whole lot of differences. You have to think to yourself, What do you and this boy have in common? What will you be able to talk about besides marching band?

The main issue is, of course, the maturity level. Obviously one can have a very mature freshman and a very immature senior, but the fact still remains: there is a lot of difference in four years during high school, and rarely, if ever, is a four year gap in a relationship a good thing at this age.

I would advise just to be friends with this boy. He sounds nice enough, but he's going to college next year, and you'll still be in high school as a sophomore. It'll just be too much of a gap, I think.

- Amber

Six months ago, this guy I really liked but didn't think really knew I existed started to text me out of the blue, and we became friends. To make a very long story short, he's put me through hell in only six months, which included dating my best friend, who knew I liked him a lot, behind my back. He terrorized me like the big brother I never had, and we had our serious fights, but we always managed to work it out in the end. I really thought he was my best guy friend.

We've been back in school for about a month now, and he's acknowledged me maybe three times. It turns out that, "for some unknown reason", my best girl friend, the one he dated and broke up with him, and my best gay friend drive him crazy. With them being my best friends, I'm always around them, and he doesn't want any possible awkwardness by simply saying 'hi' or asking me to hang out after school. To make another incredibly long story short, we had a massive falling out and are no longer friends. He doesn't text me, and I don't text him.

Now, I've gotten to where I need advice. Part of me kind of likes the fact that we're not friends anymore. My blood pressure has never had so many issues before six months ago. The other part of me misses all the fun stuff that we did. I felt like I could trust him to be there for me. When one of my cats got outside and I frantically texted him worried, he immediately told me he was coming over, his best guy friend in tow. I feel betrayed but de-stressed at the same time, but I want him back. Can you tell me what I should do?

- Dazed and Confused

I am sorry you guys had your falling out. However, it seems like it's for the best. A lot of friendships are made and broken during school because of petty reasons. You guys had some great times together, but you also had some not so great times together.

I think you really need to ask yourself whether those good times really outweighed the bad times. Are your blood pressure fluctuations worth having him as your best friend who isn't willing to be around your other best friends? Is the time he helped you find your cat worth how many fights you guys get into?

- Amber

My best friend is using me. We're working on a story together but I feel like she's only working with me to receive credit for work she didn't do. All I ask her to do is spell check the chapters, the rest is on me, but she constantly complains that her job is far too difficult, which I don't understand. I come up with the ideas, do hours of research, and write it...how hard is doing an hour of spell check? Because of her complaining, I now have to get other friends to help me spell-check my work. She says that she should be my co-writer, but I would love to know how she could possibly be a co-writer and get any credit, if all she does is say my spelling and grammar is bad but makes no attempt to fix it or show me the proper way to use something. I have the ideas and the talent, or at least that is what my fans think. I just need a little shove in the right direction when it comes to spelling, anyways. I'm afraid if I do what is best for my story and readers, it could ruin my friendship? What should I do?!

- Abigail Alberta

If your friends is only putting minimal effort into being a beta, she should not be a co-writer. You could write a special thank-you to her in the Author's Notes section at the end of every chapter or in the summary page (assuming you're posting this story on Mibba, of course), but if she is not being an actual co-writer, taking on half of the responsibilities, that position is not what she deserves.

It shouldn't ruin your friendship if you try to talk her through it rationally. Tell her that what you think she's doing on the story compared to what you think you're doing on the story isn't equal, and therefore shouldn't be considered of co-writer status. If you're willing to have her as a co-writer if she dedicates more of her time to it, tell her so. If not, tell her so. Give her a choice - and if push comes to shove, she should understand that it's your story; or you could explain to her why things need to happen that particular way.

- Amber

So, I'm quite terrified of driving on the highway. It's an irrational fear - just thinking of it gives me a panic attack. Next weekend, my dad will force me to drive on the highway, so how should I calm down?

- Farah.

I'm not a huge fan of driving on the highway, myself. If it's the speed that gets you, try not to pay attention to how fast you're going - because you're on the highway, everyone is going about the same speed you are, and you don't have to worry about intersections, where most accidents occur (as I'm sure you've heard in your driver's education class). If it's the large amount of other cars on the highway, don't drive during rush hour traffic until you're completely comfortable with a smaller number of cars driving along with you. If you're worried about changing lanes, try to stay in the right lane as much as possible, even at weave lanes (as long as you're comfortable with that).

Driving just takes practice, and with practice on the highway, you'll most probably get better at it and overcome your fear. However, if you're like me, the one thing that always makes me calm down is if I'm listening to music on the radio. Not incredibly loud, but on the softer side. It gives me something to focus on besides why I'm nervous about driving; it helps.

- Amber

I'm pansexual. And only a few people know it. And I know I should be able to tell my family and friends, but I am scared about what they would think. My mom always used to joke around saying that if I was gay, she would still love me, but I am not sure how she would actually react if she found out about my sexual preferences. And my friends are typical jock-esque high schoolers who use "fag" and "gay" as a negative word. Care to help me out on this? Thank-you so very much.

- YouCouldBeFree

While pansexuals tend to not get as much press and people generally do not know what a pansexual person is and what that word says about their sexual orientation, I think you can use this as an opportunity to educate people about it. You can't control people's decisions, and sometimes their reactions may surprise you. If they go the negative route, there isn't a whole lot you can do to change their mind; but they may end up shifting their views eventually, knowing who you are as a person and having that trump any prejudices they may have. And if your friends cannot accept you for who you are, and I'm sure you've heard this a million times, you could find better friends than that.

With all of this, however, takes a lot of courage and bravery. I wish you luck.

Also, remember that sometimes it takes a while for the people you care about to come to terms with changes. This announcement may come as a shock to them and while I'm sure it took you a while to figure out your own sexuality, be sure to give them a bit of time to get used to it.

- Amber