Porch Pooch

Hamilton. There are countless stray dogs riddled with mange limping these streets night and day.Maybe some t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶s̶ p̶e̶o̶p̶l̶e̶ things just come here to die.But did I?No, I just came here to score again, limping down here like many have before me and so many will after.I guess it might be similar, or perhaps even the same sometimes when I'm angsty and no one else's pain means...
October 29th, 2019 at 02:36am

Russet Brown & Baby Blue

Russet brown.I knew him to have gingery red hair. But that's the color of Michael's hair, at least that's the color of the very top of the wig that was styled up to peak out just above the casket from where I was, like styling a hairpiece was going to make us forget that they had only days before sawed through the top of his skull to inspect and remove the brain, his brain- Michael. What made...
February 26th, 2019 at 10:54pm

10/31/17 11:11pm (Make a Wish)

make a wish10/31/17October 31st, 201711:11pI wish I had it in me to respond to those messages from your exes before your birthday in eleven days or at least look at one from your best friend without getting too high to do it because I can never get high enoughAnd I hope this one goes through because I swore I'd have gotten back to them before I turned 21Now I'm old enough to drink and I'm going to...
November 1st, 2017 at 06:29pm

"̶N̶o̶i̶t̶p̶m̶e̶d̶e̶r̶ ̶O̶n̶ ̶S̶i̶ ̶E̶r̶e̶h̶t̶"̶

Withdrawals.I remember the ghost of me floating in between foundation-shaking guilt and eery disassociation straight back into using because nothing worked without it, without it I was a total poltergeist. Doors would slam, the occasional muffled scream could be heard, money and needles would go missing seemingly out from nowhere, and it seemed that often I existed only in theory with the way I...
February 23rd, 2017 at 05:22am

"I'm Doing Good" vs. "I'm Doing Well"

Well...mental wellness, not winning any campaigns for that. Currently plotting against my own well-being.Doing good. Haha, obviously not that one.So, that brings us to the question...how do I respond to the inquiry: "How are you today?"Fine. I'm doing fine. Say it out loud. "I'm doing fine." Makes me a little sick to my stomach, but only marginally compared to the other ones. More of a slow upward...
February 18th, 2017 at 05:16am

I Remember You

I rememberI remember youAnd I remember that you really loved the oceanBeachfront view and I don’t see foamy blue waves rhythmically sweeping the sand anymoreAll I see is you & I at 13 years old, laughing and running into the water, splashing and laughing despite my puking up the barbeque chicken with rice and orange soda our parents supplied. For one scene, we were all smiles and mischief,...
November 26th, 2014 at 03:41pm

Oh my dear,

Your smile has become a relic. Our memories have become an icy memorial to the changes that stand between us both.I will not miss you, as our metamorphoses have driven us to a paradoxical stand still. I will only miss the person you took with you as you changed. Our recollection will be kept on a high level of respect and adoration; it will leave a defined absence in my life, however it will fade,...
May 18th, 2012 at 07:38am

Insane.

So, on Thanksgiving the clock came flying towards me & cut off my face. The voices whisper: 'come closer ashley, it's just a bunch of dead kids ad spiderwebs. come on, you spineless little cunt.' Grandmother pops out of the chimney with claws extended, her eyes black and the blackness runs down her face. She runs at me until she's barely an inch away, and she says, 'we could make gingerbread...
November 26th, 2011 at 04:25am

Ah, the Everyday Drama.

Well, I just wanted to rant on & on about some bullshit that I'm dealing with. So here goes, folks.My recent ex boyfriend Jojo is spreading shit about me being a "cheater". He told me that "three of my best friends saw you cheating on me". Either his friends saw wrong, they're lying, or he's lying to me about them saying that. I'd be willing to sit down and talk to them, get it straightened...
November 26th, 2011 at 04:10am

Note to Self:

I hate you so much I will rip open your skull and take out that shit you call a mind and pit it in your fucking face you stupid fucking traitor. You can run, you better run but that'll just piss me off more. They'll think your remains were the puke of a buzzard when I'm done. Oh I'll wear your disgusting skin-suit, too, and see what it's like to feel like you: DISGUSTING. You are pitiful, everyone...
November 19th, 2011 at 06:29am

Awkward~

So my mom's boyfriend...OH WAIT. I'm not allowed to talk about it.I get molly today, and I'm smoking again (: I don't smoke NEARLY enough. I need speed. Everytime I think about it, my body starts to shake and I sweat and I just wanna kill everyone so I can search them for it. It's not addiction so much as it is I miss it.One time, I found my mom's old bipolar meds, and I took like, 26. (Yes, I did...
October 7th, 2011 at 09:50pm

Adam's Song.

I know I can't do anything right. Yes, I don't belong. No, I know I'll never amount to anything like I am. I know, I'm useless. Mmhmm, I know I'm pathetic and weak.I have a list, Wes. Wanna hear?This is reason (or am I just a traitor?).I mean, what would I tell him anyway, "I can't quit drugs for you because if I stop no amount of bandaids could patch me up again"? "Love is never enough"? "You're...
September 13th, 2011 at 05:09am

Ohkay, So It's Different Now. I Think.

My friend promised me she'd wait with me to stop eating. Well, she promised she'd try. And that's all I'm asking. I know it's hard.I hate this, I hate me.I hate it when my thighs touch, but I also hate it when my wrist sears with pain at the slightest touch because it's a bit bony. I hate how I just cut a "J" on my thigh. I hate how I couldn't quit thinking about not eating forever. I hate how I...
September 5th, 2011 at 11:17pm

Just Empty Promises. All It Was. I Hope.

Hmm, so how do I say this? I don't even know anymore. He told me to call him, I did. Well, he said "I tried to move on, but.." & "Maybe we could get together again?". I was awkward through the whole thing. I just, he hurt me & I let him. You know what? He probably just said that to fuck me up. You know what? I'm stupid enough to take him back, but you know what else? He wanted me to give...
September 5th, 2011 at 06:37am

If You Don't Like It Then *** Off.

I just blew. But, don't worry. Not at anyone- else. I blew at me. I'm so fucking mad. I just cut in my wrist "F U". Fuck You, obviously.I'm smoking tomorrow, northern lights, maybe salvia.I'm so fucking mad. My mom's boyfriend wiped my laptop and put himself as administrator and said "You will not hide any thing from me." IT'S MY FUCKING LAPTOP. YOU WERE'NT THERE WHEN I GOT IT. YOU DIDN'T PAY FOR...
August 27th, 2011 at 09:22am

I'm Trying So Hard.

I feel like shit almost constantly. My mom, I love her but I just can't do it.I can't do this. This distraction isn't working.It's just not working.I'm not working.Meth works.Razors work.Smoking works.Razors work.Snorting works.Razors work.Pills work.Razors work.For a while. Then I'm back. Sometimes, when it's been forever (& not withdrawals I'm talking about), I feel shittier and cutcutcut. I...
August 25th, 2011 at 03:11am

Good God.

I hate when people tell me to calm down. To quiet down. To act, proper. Fuck you. Fuck all of you conformists.I live with my choices. I have to look myself in the mirror everyday. Not you.Just me.And you know what I regret? Not keeping up noteating. Not keeping up slamming.But you know what? I'm going to change all of that. Now, I'm a druggie, you see. Yes, I am addicted, I've finally come to...
August 11th, 2011 at 02:16pm

Addicted.

God, I need it. I need it so bad. Everything hurts without it. My heart is broken and it's the only thing that can fix it. Shit, shit, shit shit shit shit shit.They all left.But you'll never leave.Putting up every guard I have.I need that pill.You make me feel like I don't care. I'm losing myself.No I'm not.I lost myself.Fuck.Help, I need you, xanex.I need anything that'll get me out of my...
August 10th, 2011 at 01:33am

I Found the Block Comments Button. *Click*

So, I did one of the stupidest things anyone could ever do. I trusted my heart to someone else. I can't even trust myself with my heart. Ha. What a mistake.Never again.I realize that just about everyone has said that about this sort of situation, and I'm just the typical, but I really mean "never again".This proves what I've said for years. Love is bullshit. Letting yourself touch melting glass is...
August 9th, 2011 at 12:47pm

Roses Are Red. Violets Are Blue. One is Dead & So Are You.

I don't know. I'm not sure. I scream. No one listens.I don't know why mom and me don't know what to say. I'm not sure why I will never change. I scream out my reply. No one listens, they're too busy excusing themselves.I will keep screaming until they hear me out. But I'm a "troubled teenager"- they say it's just a faze. I hope they're right but I'm so frozen I'm not sure I'll ever get out of...
June 4th, 2011 at 11:11am