itwaspure / Comments

I tend to be a creepy starer! It was actually really fun in middle school when I used to freak people out by staring 'through' them and not at them. I can make my eyes really, really big.

There's a reason I don't watch TV. Ever. Actually, there's a long list of reasons and Hoarders is pretty high on that list.

I'm sitting on the floor in my great-grandfather's apartment-suite-thing at the old folks' home in Huntsville, Alabama, stretching my legs and refusing to be social. I want to go back home to my pool :'( alas. Family is a thing that happens. I love my great-grandfather, but I do not love the South. It always puts me on edge.

Grammar shmammar!

It's actually more with people my own age than adults for me... I can talk comfortably to my brother's friends, or kids two or three years younger than me, and I'm a little bit okay with grownups, more strangers than friends' parents etc, but with my grademates I go CRAZY. So nervous.

I had a horrible day today and I finished ranting to my mom and she gave me a minute to stew and then turned to me and said 'is the real only reason you're so grumpy just that Justin didn't talk to you as much and maybe wasn't in your lane at practice?' and I was like '...there's the honest answer and then there are the hordes of bullshit answers that I could spawn for you off the top of my head.'

It's like 7th grade all over again. I hate feeling like a stupid boy has control over my life. But it's better than 7th grade because I know by now what's too far and that I'm more important than any of it, and that self-preservation comes first. Usually. (I'm also careful with my senseless daydreaming. Just kidding. I'm not. Sex.)

oh my god my ears are blushing. no puedo. I don't have a madly flattered smiley so just imagine one ok?

I had to call the vet and ask if I could volunteer for a day an hour ago and IT WAS SO SCARY. SERIOUSLY. SO. SCARY.

I still have a pretty big Moriarty thing. It makes no sense. All my friends think he's terrifying. but SO PRETTYYYYY

I hate breaks! I just sit around and feel bad for myself and don't do anything! Winter break was horrible. Then you have to come back to school and readjust to socializing... I got to school today and could hardly talk for half of first period and all of swim practice because I was so tired and I really couldn't deal with people. I didn't even say a word to Justin until we started getting into the stupid volleyball game. (I hate gym.) I swear I'm getting so much worse around people, and I talk and talk and talk if I trust them but if I have to be around people I don't know as well, I get so scared and I just don't know what to do.

oh my god you're actually reading it
someone have mercy on your poor soul I'm sorry
no one deserves to be subjected to that

sometimes I go back and read writing from even before my Killjoy days. Some of my ideas were alright. Some of the characters were GREAT. But I didn't understand sentence structure, period, which is still one of my problems :P

MWah!

They emailed me that time. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Oof, I hate lymph nodes. Sometimes they're in weird places that really hurt. I had one right under the very point of my chin right before I started to get a cold sore, and I couldn't touch my chin because it was so tender. But they're almost never harmful, so that's good.

Eugh. Strep sucks.

The emailing-me-when-you-leave-a-message on this website is shit. RAWRGH.

So don't mind my erratic memory (and the fact that I had to read about 50 pages a night all week for my insane English teacher).

Eugh. Lumps. That's kinda scary. But they happen for all sorts of mundane reasons, so as long as you keep an eye on them you'll probably be just fine.

Normalcy is equivalent to idiocracy. Never believe otherwise!

I've long since decided that sexuality does not actually exist, and that it's a social construct made up (like most social constructs) to make certain people stand out and look weird and generally have sucky lives so that everyone else can have power over them. Just like race, marriage, monogamy, money, status, etc. I could go on and on. I like to be a rebel.

It's more like 'I would like to bone you everywhere yes thanks bye'. (Fidak says I am not capable of boning. We had a huge argument over that, just like we argued over whether the preterite form of 'conocer' starts with 'conoc-' or 'conuj-'. She won the latter.) Five of us all drive from school to swim practice in this one girl's car, and I strategically place myself in the middle seat every day so I can pretend I'm not wishing I was cuddling with him, and he's really warm and it's kinda weird... He makes me laugh. We actually got into an all-out fight in English over whether or not he was exaggerating and telling me fake times because he was all 'I was averaging 2:09s' and I said 'the fastest thing you went was a 2:12 dumbass' and we started yelling at each other and got so into it that both our voices cracked and our teacher was like CALM THE FUCK DOWN BOTH OF YOU IT DOESN'T MATTER and we couldn't stop laughing.

I refuse to tell anyone who actually knows Justin about Justin. (I think everyone has already figured it out anyway. I'm pretty obvious.) He's that kind of guy who you hate for years and years and HE'S SO UGLY AND STUPID RAWR and then one day BAM he's not ugly and stupid. He's attractive. And fun to be around. And even kinda cool. The real problem with swimming is that you're around mostly-naked people all the time and you get used to that and then you start wanting to do them. SIGH.

I really ought to change my icon here... it was originally all passive-aggressive-look-how-lesbian-i-am and now I don't even know? Sexuality is stupid. :(

I'm alright! I had school off today because of conferences, so my mom texted me in the middle of the day and commanded me to make triple chocolate cookies, since she knew that if I didn't have anything to do I'd just sit around sinking into a pit of destructive despair, so I made cookies and then brought them to swim practice with the intent of Seducing A Boy Who Is On The Swim Team And His Name Is Justin but then he went to practice early so I hardly got to talk to him. And I don't even know that he got a cookie! Alas. How are you?

I always could! You're looking great.

<3

CRUSHES?? I want the scoop >:) (and your ice cream too. I require all ice cream scoops. Especially if they have brownie chunks because that's the best kind of ice cream.)

oh it's sleepytime

Now THAT'S just bullshit. I don't ever put up with that around my locker. And my best friend finally helped me confront Isaac about it, and he sent me the sweetest apology Facebook message I have ever received. He's a good kid at heart and really just needs kindly people to hang out with.

I'm kinda stuck between CONGRATULATIONS and AOGPNEGOIAIGAE NOOO because one of my cousins was recently diagnosed with an eating disorder (my mom says it's because her parents don't know how to parent and everyone just ignores her so she's trying to have some control of her life) and it's apparently gotten pretty bad on various levels and she's a tiny bit psycho and this might last for her entire life... Anyways, it's really stressful and I don't want anyone else to have to experience that kind of thing. But I hear ya when you say that you're staying healthy, and that's good. I have friends who fawn over me because I'm 'too skinny' or I 'don't eat enough' when I really just eat on a different schedule from everyone else (5-6 small meals spread across the day) and I don't think I could gain weight if I tried... athlete problems

I definitely remember getting that message... HILYSCANIBEINYOURSTORYPLEASEIHAVEACHARACTERALLPICKEDOUT who am I kidding I was always more of an insane hyperactive crazy person than you were XD I was just like 'it's all chill man you can be gerd's lover. It's all chill.' and back then I knew how to talk to people and I had Corey to help me, because she's better at talking to people and made me feel not quite as shy. Sometimes.

Naw, that's just because I talk too much. I wrote an enormous paragraph about the future prospect of being a mortician to my future-undertaker-transgender-Homestuck loving-badass ginger friend for just about no reason 5 minutes ago... When I talk, I freakin' TALK.

My friend Fidak was mocking me today about how I write fanfiction because, according to her, all fanfic is shit written by 12-year-olds... I'm concocting an evil plan to sneak little fanficky drabbles about Doctor Who and Homestuck and such into her bag/binder when she's not looking. Just to alleviate her hatred. And bug the crap out of her >:)

Sounds just like my English teacher! She's psycho!

My goodness. Mibba doesn't send me emails for everything anymore. shit i bet all those great stories from years ago are all updated and i haven't even... check that in a minute

also I kinda forgot my password (too many abbreviated song lyrics)

ALAS I AM HERE! And tired! And I wanna try some of the weird sleepy rose petal tea I bought yesterday! And I finished Homestuck today (well at least got to the end of where it is now) which was GREATLY EXCITING since I've been reading it for like 2 montsh and felt like it would NEVER FREAKING END!

I have one of the songs from the Dazzling Dames tryouts stuck in my head and ARGH the annoying thing about swimming is when you audition for something you REALLY WANNA BE IN and you don't make it so of course the audition music is stuck in your head from there on out

and your best friend makes it of course

here comes the elevator music

my brain is on a horrible cycle today (I tried to spell that psicyle wtf)

weee anyways actually since you're you and I trust you brief rant

I have this friend who sits by my locker in the mornings before school named Isaac and he's gay and (obviously) that's totally fine with me and I don't give a fuck and really I don't care but he is actually OBSESSED with sexuality and he seems to think that being gay or straight or bi or whatever the fuck you are defines your personality and all he ever talks about is him being gay like we can't get through a single conversation without him bringing it up and sure that's annoying but it's not that bad BUT he inflicts it upon me like 'hey LESBIAN friend why don't you come give me a LESBIAN fistbump because we're an awesome GAY duo' a) i'm pansexiqueer not lesbian I like everyone who's nice to me and b) that doesn't define who I am anyways.

And he keeps bringing my ex, whom I cannot stand, to my locker and like keeping her there and all they ever talk about is sex all the time and my jealousy issues are so blaringly painful that I don't even know why I go there anymore but nobody even talks to me when they're around so it's not like she notices that I explode every time she talks about having sex with her hot 18-year-old boyfriend.

Yeah. My friends are kinda shit. Um. So.

it feels reeeeeally good to have that out of my head without insulting someone directly involved in the situation eugh

While I'm at this essay, I just realized that I have hardly any memory of how we... well... Internet-met. Were you fangirling over Enemy, or did it just happen, or what? I CANNOT make internet friends these days and it's kinda driving me crazy because any social abilities I every had went DOWN THE TUBES and I can't talk to people on Tumblr and I can't even write and blargh I'm a mess.

Good morning! (It's 5:08 AM.)

Damn, I miss you too! And season's over, so I might not be a sleepy bitch of... ignorance... sometimes... good lord, I pretend like my life's so busy and I don't even have any damn friends.

How are you?

Nine practices a week every week and sometimes meets and THREE HOURS OF SWIMMING A DAY it's not very often that i sit down and actually process that i spend three hours a day just exercising

like what the hell

Also, when I saw your new picture I thought you were Mia Polinski for a second. She's a girl on the swim team whose current Facebook profile picture has received a total of 227 likes. She's downright HOT and everyone loves her. When I realized that the picture WASN'T her, I was like O.O LEXXI LOOKS RIDICULOUSLY GORGEOUS RIGHT THERE.

that is all.

Imma answer you better later this is just to remind me to do that. i'm so tired and it's 5:35 and everythng hurts

For most of my life, my least favorite words were 'Are you alright?' I wouldn't mind being helped a little bit if I were hurt or upset, but if someone asked me that, I'd explode all over them. (WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE, DOOFUS?) I just didn't understand that some things are social norms and you HAVE to say them. I also grew up only ever hearing the words 'I forgive you' so that when I heard 'I accept your apology' for the first time, a) I couldn't tell what they were saying and b) I thought it was some crazy kindergarten slang for forgiveness.

My swim coach lectured us the other day on the importance of listening. I figure if I could teach myself to listen better, people would like me more. And I have a WONDERFUL instinct for picking out people who don't get noticed. I look past the big figures in a group and see the shy, sad people hiding in the back, and I get them to talk to me. I usually make better friends that way. Everyone thinks that everyone else is doing drugs and partying all the time because the innocent kids with good morals are just so often very quiet.

You certainly seem to miss him a lot. He sounds good for you, though. Just don't let yourself lean too hard on one person. It's good to spread out your affections so that you're safer (for example, if Izabel and I got into a HUGE fight, even though we're best friends, I'd still have Fidak and Sarah to whine to).

I'm so tired. Just oh so ridiculously tired. Can't sleep, can hardly eat, and still swimming 3 hours a day... SO TIRED

WORD VOMIT IS THE BEST!

It has been a long time. I was really quite worried about you in July; you were awfully grumpy and I wasn't sure what to do. I'm better at handling sad people than angry ones, and better yet face-to-face. (shit i gotta go eat soon. time passes quickly on the internet.)

It's nice to know that you're doing well. Masks are a tough thing... I struggle with putting them on myself; I had a mild breakdown this weekend at a swim event (on my own) because I've been officially deemed Boring and Not Cool. I was really upset about that and wanted to know what I could possibly do that would make me more likable to the general public, but I just can't figure it out. They ignore me when I'm quiet and don't like me when I talk. It's incredibly frustrating.

Stick with this John. I quite like the sound of him. (Loving without LOOOving is also good. I've recently got it in the head of my closest male friend that hugs, leading to long hugs, leading to attack hugs, leading to let-me-squish-your-face-against-my-bony-self-and-love-you hugs, are perfectly ok. I quite like this friend myself, but all my friends have officially deemed him 'gross' and 'untouchable' even though they pretend to like him. He's just a bit messed up. Like me. Or the rest of them.)