Dear Journal,Things have changed once again. I can feel myself becoming someone else if that makes sense. I can see the effects my life experiences are having on me. It's weird to know that everything you do, say, or go through can change you. As I learn and grow I feel myself growing out of the pain and into understanding. I still wish he was here and I still wish that I could be with him forever...

Dear Journal,I've come to realize that he's gone... forever. I know it sounds stupid that I just understood that now but I mean he's never coming back so I can't just sit still in life until I die too now can I? No, not really. This doesn't mean I'm going to move on and date some other kid or that I won't miss him anymore. This doesn't mean it won't kill me inside. It just means that I am allowed...

Dear Journal,I hate this. I just want the pain to go away. I would do almost anything to make it go away. I break down randomly and the pain in my heart is worsining. I feel sick. I'm dying inside and all I want is for God to take me home. I mean really life is just a game. You live to make a descision on what you believe, that and reproduce. Once you've made your descsion you have to sit around,...

Dear Journal,What can I say when they can't understand anything that comes out my mouth? They think they know and can relate to everything that happens, but they can't. I don't know why they always think that they can some how understand even when they have never gone through anything remotely the same. They want me to tell them what I feel but they don't want to pity me. They want to know what my...

Dear Journal,I just wish I knew why horrible heartbreaking things happen 'cause then maybe they'd be easier to deal with...I've never understood anything about life really but it never bothered me until 3 months ago.I'm so confused I don't know what to do. People say things and they ask questions about him but I can't bring myself to answer. What am I supposed to say exactly? That it's okay? .....

Dear Journal,Have you ever loved somebody so much that you would give ANYTHING to keep them safe? I have. Have you ever felt so broken that all you want to do is scream at the top of your lungs? I have. Have you ever felt like you where dying from the inside out? I have. Have you ever missed someone so much that ALL you do is think about them. Yeah, you guessed it, I have.It's like I keep trying...

Dear Journal,I can't help but think about him every second of ever day. I remeber his smile and still my heart flutters. I imagine his bright eyes that always lit up when we talked about hockey. I remember his voice and the words that he used to say. Words seemed to roll off his tongue so perfect and easily. I remember him laughing at me for being klutsy. I remember him helping me up when I fell....

Dear Journal,I am falling apart. I am not me anymore. I feel sick and tired and no one understands. It's getting harder to hide but I have no choice. My head hurts and my heart is screaming for a way out but there is none. My mom keeps yelling. Today she told me I was a bad daughter and I did nothing for her. It hurts. I hate being yelled at. All I want to do is drowned in my tears or fall into a...

Dear Journal,Today was very painful. I could hardly see past the hurt. I prayed a lot because it felt right but I still felt so alone. Fighting back the tears is becoming harder by the day. I am not strong enough right now. My mom cried today about the stress she's under and it was then when I decided I'd never tell her about the things I'm going through. She doesn't need the extra problems. She...

Dear Journal,I feel as if I am moving backwards like this is getting even harder to handle even though it's been two months. I feel like I am hurting more then I did in the beginning. I am hurting so much and I don't know what to do. Everything is closing in on me. My world is falling aprat. Steph found me crying today. She wants to tell my parents that I'm still upset about it. They can't know...

Dear Journal,Today is a normal day but today I have come to realize how much I really do think of him. Most of my thoughts are very nonchalant and I think them without even processing that he is gone. I also compare him to other people in my life a lot. I think it helps me though; that I can think of him even when he's gone. Stevan told me the other day that he was dying, that he wasn't going to...

Dear Journal,My heart hearts. You know that pounding, aching, severe pain that books and movies describe; yeah that's the pain I feel. At least I feel something though. Most of the time I'm numb from the inside out. It's nice to at least feel some kind of something right? Anyways I keep feeling like I need someone to help me out of this, to make me forget but when I think about it, I don't. I...

Dear Journal,You help me a lot. You help me when I can't talk to anyone else about everything. You help me when I am breaking down and falling apart. I know you aren't real and you can't even reply to what I have to say, but that's what I like about you. I like that you can't talk. It also helps me when people comment on you, and are supportive. It is so much easier to talk to people I don't know...

Dear Journal,LIfe is sucks. I mean think about it, we waste our time day after day repeating boring routines just sitting around waiting to die. We create things that are seriously dumb to entertain ourselves for mere seconds and then wallow in our own misery because we are bored. We are selfish creatures. We want our love ones and ourselves to live forever, we want to do nothing all day and have...

Dear Journal,I'm sick of this. I'm sick of bottling everthing inside but I have to! I have to hold it in. If I cry they worry and it causes problems. If I talk about it they ignore the saddness and pain and walk away. I don't get it. If they want me to talk so much why won't they just listen!!! Why is it so hard to listen to me?? Why do they ignore what's right infront of their faces?! HE'S DEAD....

Dear Journal,His death is beginning to hurt more lately. The pain is finally settling in and it's monstrous. At first I felt hurt but now I feel excruciating pain. I used to think of him and smile but now I can't even think of smiling. I haven't written to you in a while because I haven't felt like it. I haven't felt like writing anything or reading anything. Every time I do something it reminds...

Dear Journal,I haven't written in a while. I don't know what to say anymore. The way I feel has moved way beyond words. I have been trying to forget everything and just move on but I can't. I still have break downs but I try not to do so infront of others. If they know I'm upset, they will be upset. The fact that he's dead makes me feel like only half of me exists. I don't know if that makes...

Dear Journal,His death becomes more real every day. I wish he'd be here with me but he isn't and I get that now. I understand now that no matter how much I wish and pray, he's never ever ever coming back ever again. But even though he's dead, I still admire him everyday. I still look up to him because he was the most amazing person I had ever met. He was so smart, kind, and respectful. The one...

Dear Journal,It's 2:27 a.m. and I cannot sleep. My eyes are brimmed with tears and my heart aches. I wan't to hear his voice tell me he loves me. I need to feel him next to me! I need to feel safe and he was the only person who could make me feel that way. He was the only person that could make my heart race and my tummy flip. He was the only one that made me feel compltetly and entirely happy. Oh...

Dear Journal,I sit here and I can't help but want to forget his death but I can't because clearly he IS dead and he's NEVER coming back. You know when I'm around other people I always feel like I have to be happy for them. If I'm not happy they don't seem to be happy either and I know everyone wants to be happy so therefore I put on my smile and be happy. I like to see my family smiling and...