Mayonaise / Comments

Sometimes everything feels like a free-fall.
There's this really sad moment when you realise that the straws that you've be grasping at aren't real; when you're wasting life on the stagnant things that died, or the ill things that were imagined out of some niàve form of hope.

I'm more of an individualist than I have ever been, so much so that when I lost my place in life I couldn't bring myself to care too deeply.
I've become apathetic towards the things, and the people that I had thought where there, and had mattered.
I'm more alone now than I have ever been.

I'm stuck pretending to be okay with situations that I'm not, and happy when I can't remember if I ever was.
I can't remember a time when I didn't feel suffocated.

I'm not expecting you to have answers, it's just nice to say it to someone who won't be condescending, or terrifide =]

I'm glad that you can relate.

I'm okay, I'm just a little fucked up lately.
I wish that there was more that I could say, but I can't communicate the exacts, sometimes my head falls into abstracts, and it's hard to be articulate.

Aw :) Thank-you! What other slang would you be speeking over there?

He's two years older than me, which made it even creepier! I've dated guys older than me before, but he's just... no! I might come across as the most shallow person ever, but I could never-ever-ever be with a fat guy (especially one with a full on beard!) Some of my (female) friends can be as big as they please, "fat" girls don't discust me, just guys D= But hey, I know I'm not perfect, but I just prefer guys to be fit/slim/skinny!

Oh, I hope your friend is okay, and gets well soon! Wow, thats quite the trip! What is it like being on a train? Haha, I did frigg all this weekend, my legs hurt from the dance, so I was walking funny so I didn't venture outside of the house haha.

You are quite a good writer, do you realise?

The dance was great! Some people really hated it, but thats only because they got caught up in drama/drank.

No, I'm pretty sure I won't. I already know everyone in my classes.
I hope you know you made my day when you mentioned "because he fancies you"... haha, no one says that here! Doubt it, he does it to many others also.

Hmm, see two of my classes there's this guy, who asked me out last year. I don't want to come across as mean, or judgemental, but he is so... over weight, and he has a beard, and he's kinda creepy. I want to stay away from him! And thoes same two classes my last ex. is there too! We haven't spoken since May, and it's kind of awkward haha. Then of course there's this girl, who for no reason at all, just out of the blue, decided she doesn't like me or any of my friends, she will just stare at us, repeat what we say in stupid voices and she just won't stop!
I give everyone an equal chance, and I won't judge them, but once they mess it up I find it hard to forget!

How's your weekend been?

Thats good :) I'm pretty good, really sore though! We had a back to school dance Thursday night haha.
Oh God, school -.- I have to say, the first semester will probably be the worst ever (and the school year is only divided into two of them!) My first class isn't too bad (even though its Math). It is the only one I have with one of my best friends. There is a guy in it that keeps taking my stuff, poking me and punching me... not in an actual bully way though, he's nice. Then second period is Canadian Law. No friends. I started to make one then the teacher is all "lets have a seating plan, I'll number the desks BUT they won't be in order, so you will sit by different people every day, becauseyou will all get numbers and each day that number increases ( I'm number 20, so next time I sit at 21, then 22 etc.) YAY!" Fml haha. Then comes Graphic Arts. No close friends. There's this one guy who is SO clueless in the class, and keeps asking me for help. he can't seem to grasp, when we were making these portfolio things that you measure in 3 inches, up 9 inches in a corner of the bristle board, measure in 3 inches from the 9 inch point then holding the ruler STRAIGHT connect both at the second 3 inch point, then cut along the lines. Therefore cutting away a 3 x 9 inch rectangle out of the corner. Now, try explaining this to him for each corner, multiple times while trying to complete your own.
Then of course last period I have Crafts ( I needed something to fill the space haha) No friends.
There's some people in my classes who I really, really don't want to be there with!
I thank God I have lunch with most of my friends =D (theres two different lunches)

Sorry, I kinda vented :P Haha, you just asked me a simple question! Sorry again. But yeah, thats how half my year will be like. Whoo. XD

Hmm, I might make a journal out of this.. haha :)

No, I was the printing press. Haha

No closer I'm afraid... It looks like we're spending another winter here.

Life is... life, I guess.
Do you ever have those moments when you realise that in a lot of ways you're actually more fucked up than others could comprehend?
It's sort of a depressingly lonely feeling, y'know?
So that's how I've been lately.
You?

Well now you have, treasure the moment my friend, they're so good at fleeting, lmao xD

I have always though of Charlie Chaplin as a rather silly silent film actor.
I was actually going to dress up as him for Halloween once... I can't help being strange, it's in my DNA.
I had never expected him to do something like that.
I'm not sure that you can call it genius, because it's such a global idea, I think everyone who thinks for themselves just once has thought about that concept; although no one has said it quiet like that...
But maybe you can call it genius... I forget who it was but they said that genius isn't in the thought, but the ability to express it.

I think I answered my dilemma, that was total genius.

Callum! Hello!
How've you been? I'm finally free of school until Monday comes!

That's actually one of my favorite parts in the movie, haha.
So true, too.

There has never been a speech that has had that effect on me before.
Speeches throughout history can make you agree, and speeches that make you want to stand for something, but none of them chill you like that.
That was fantastically amazing.

Well now you're responsible for shaking my existance a bit, thanks for that, haha.

Damn, I don't have anything to top that!

I think that it's the imperfections in life that we latch onto, and relate to.
It's the scars, the strange birthmarks, the slight limp, and the slight peculiaritis in someone's voice that makes them unique.
I'm not particularly a fan of clones.

I don't even know what to say, Charlie Chaplin said it all.
That is, without a doubt, the greatest speech ever made; I don't believe that anyone could exceed it.

Now I get to sit here wondering where it has been all of my life.

Materialism is an interesting topic...
It's strange to look around you, and realise that even the things you've loved since you can remember, aren't necessities, you don't actually [i]need[/i] them.

I don't even know what my own personal perfection would look like.
I have this Pantera poster in my room, right? It's an ink sketch by this really famous American artist named Derek Hess, and I spent a long time scrutinizing it, and eventually found this area where he inked the wrong line, and now it's so fucking evident! I can't look at the poster without my eyes going straight to that tiny little flaw, but this is a famous artist, a professional, he's praised daily, he gets press, and he inked the wrong damn line, and didn't even fix it, so what is perfection anyway?

You should check out the Bright Eyes song ''I Know You''

I'm sorry, but I can't copy paste links on my phone... So maybe you could just tell me what I'm searching for? =]

We have intergalactically awesome discussions xD
We're so deep, haha.

Yeah, I really love that concept...
And I definitely get what you mean about not being suicidal, but wanting to die; I feel the same way.

Oh! And not to sound like a ''fan girl'' myself, but I also loved Gerard Way's idea that you have to kind of die inside before you can fully live again.
I mean, idealy no one would want to get to that point, but once you do, and you just sort of bottom out, and lose all of your hopes and dreams, when you finally get up off the floor you realise what is important, and you quit killing yourself to please others, y'know what I'm saying?
Also they posted this slogan for the Danger Days album ''Would you destroy something perfect to make it beautiful?''
I have, as pathetic as it sounds, lost sleep contemplating that concept.
I'm an overly analytical... thing; you'll have to forgive me ;]

I consiter myself a nihilist, although there is this sector of nihilism that says that existance is an illusion, I don't particularly believe that.
I think that existance is very real, the fact that we're sitting here in a solid form, I find that sort of nonsensical to deny, y'know?
Reality I believe is relative, but existance I think is pretty damn solid.

Hmm, my thoughts on that have changed a lot during the years.
I was sort of raised to believe in reincarnation, which I never quite accepted, so denounced.
I did used to believe in ghosts, although now I wouldn't place any hope in the idea.
When I die I fully expect to decompose.

I think that humanity has this really hard time accepting that there is such a thing as endings; we kind of expect everything to go on forever, like a constance second chance, and it's useless.

I don't particulary believe that there is a meaning to life, either.
I find a certain peace in that though...
With everyone going crazy running through this maze trying to find meaning, trying to find God, trying to find love, or success, or happiness, or all of the aforementioned as if their life deppended on it, I like to be able to think that it doesn't.

Some people spend their lives running, some chasing, others, falling, tripping, climbing, and flying; and there are those who spend it on their backs, and not one of them is doing it wrong, their just doing what they think is right.
I'm not sure what I'm doing, maybe chasing, maybe running, maybe something I haven't mentioned; but it's nice to think that existance doesn't abide laws.

You?

Thanks, I didn't know that you had read any of my stuff =]

I don't know, I started playing Minesweeper, and ended up getting really good at it.

Social science is almost humorously interesting.
Hmm, well I came up with the argument that reality couldn't technically exist due to the way we percieve it, it would have to be relative.
Basically the argument spans out to say that reality exists in two different ways; there is the ''universal'' reality where if a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, it still makes a sound; it is gravity, and existance and nonexistance, and all of that wildly fun and entirely arguable stuff.
Then there is the ''personal'' reality, which is the reality where the tree doesn't make a sound, it is where I could smile at a funeral while everyone else cries, it is why we have more than one religion, and that special thing that makes it possible for two people in a room where it is a perfect 72 degrees could be uncomfortably hot, and the other uncomfortably cold, and why one would find a coat hidious, when another looks at it and thinks that their winter wardrobe is complete.

The personal reality is based on our perception of actuality; the ideas and emotions that are aroused by the immovable things.
This theory then branches off, and goes into the confusing topic of the actual worth of life, and the ''meaning'' of life.
Being as we experience reality through one vessel (ourselves) our entire life, what we choose to love, hate, kill for, die for, live for, protect, work towards, take risks for, is all based on ourselves, right?
We basically project ourselves into objects, other people, places, concepts, ect.
I realized while thinking about this, that the majority of people tend to be far more sympathetic and compassionate for the people who endure tragedies who happen to be a native to their country.
People are more likely to run out into oncoming traffic to save a relative, than they are a complete stranger, and of course, everyone will grieve over the loss of a child before an adult.
I realised that this is most likely because we invest ideas of innocence in children, and when they die, we sunconsciously believe that innocence dies with them.
When it comes to relatives we have a bloodline, in some way we believe that our family is an extention of us.
I sort of figured that if reality can only be observed through one lense, then the only person we actually [i]know[/i] is us, and as terrible as so many people say it sounds, when we risk our lives to save others, we are only vicariously trying to save ourselves.

A man had actually come up with a theory similar to that I have found out.
He didn't want to believe that we operate so ''selfishly'', and so saved a stranger from getting hit in the subway.
Why? Because he invested himself in strangers to save himself from what he had found to be truth.
But it gets better! He left his wife and kids, and ended up killing himself to escape this ''selfish'' world... Suicide, which is consitered one of the most selfish acts a man can make.
Which in the end, it was to save [i]himself[/i]

And it's not even being selfish, it's how we are forced to react when we can only see life through one tiny window.
Thank god we have books, so that we can contemplate other windows, right?

But yeah... The theory expands into other areas of life, and human nature, but that sort of gives you an idea...

Okay :) I was worried you might get annoyed at me for it, I assume you must get asked that question alot. Oh goodness no! I fail at sports :P I do bowl though (don't laugh haha!)

Good to hear all is well :) Sure, you need to work hard, but it's a waste of you don't enjoy it too!

I will, and thank-you =D I'll fill you in, but I'll try and keep 'er short :P

Haha, okay :) You're REALLY going to hate me for asking this question, but do you play basketball? Haha, why would you be impressed that I'm 5 foot 2? I'm not getting much taller either XD

You're not a failure! It just surprised me that you're in college, and haven't read it yet is all :) I literally have no idea why it reminded me of you, but I'm glad you liked it =D

I start school tomorrow, so I probably won't be online until Friday, so don't think I'm ignoring you! Is college going good? :)

*edit

I meant ''illustrator'', and ''instrument'', and while I'm at it I might as well tell you that on my sad list of talents I can say that I know how to use a fountain pen =]

Art is a part of society, albeit a rather disrespected part, but it's there...
You would love to see the dramatic change in expression when people hear the word ''ilustrator'', it's like ''artist'' except even artists turn up their noses.
I like that about it though... I have had so many people put on this whole other face just to prepare themselves to say ''Well, I am an [i]artist[/i]'', that the word has a tendency to make me want to slouch, and eat with my mouth open.
Weird right?

I know a few chords on the guitar, and I can fake my way through improvized melodies on the keyboard, but in all actuality... No, I cannot play an instroment; nor can I sing, or dance, or swim, or do karatè, or understand the logic of politicians.
My talents are limited to drawing, inking, painting, writing poetry and the occasional short story, or monologue, understanding fairly heavy literature, and being a wizard at MineSweep... And coming up with philosophical theories about the human condition, and existance... Which collectively makes me a nutcase, although I believe that your are in the same situation, so cheers, right?

Okay, I have less then twenty minutes to type out this novel, so I better get crackin'!
Oh my! 6 foot 3 or 4? Whoa. I'm 5 foot 2... :O <---- Such a big mouth! Haha.

Hm, not really. I plan and think too much. But, I do have my fair share of random moments when I'm off my pills!

"It's just accurate of human nature. Of how animalistic we are. Of how in the end, the smart, sensitive, thoughtful, kind people just get pushed over by the brutes. And even if it happened to adults, we'd revert back to that, like children." I'm not going to lie, I agree with you there Callum! Oh wait, sorry, Mr. Judge :P

You've never read A Midsummer Night's Dream by Shakespear? Oh God, I'd rather explain the entire Harry Potter series to you! Hmm, but the main idea of the story I guess is that people fall in love (some real, some by potion) to the wrong people. And in the end of course they end up with who they were ment to be with, but not without some trouble, "The course of true love never did run smooth"! I loved this play, although most others in my class couldn't understand the language/words/meaning of how it was written, I had no problem.

You poped into my head for some reason while I watched this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nO0rGK1EMU

I'm good, how are you?