If I knew the right words to say, I could express myself. But there are no words for this. This emptiness, this numbness, this apathetic hatred, this disdain for myself, this complete lack of self. There are no words.One of my governor's school teachers told me I was a good writer (and from her, that means something). My vocabulary is advanced. My grammar is very close to perfect. A description of...

Pain varies.Day to day, I don't know what level of pain I'll be in. It may be small enough that two Aleve take care of it, but it may be severe enough I lose consciousness. A lot of times, I won't know hour to hour, or even minute to minute, what my pain level will be. There have been times I've been down at a 4, and then suddenly shot to a 7 for something as small as shifting my weight when I'm...

...that I don't know how many of my vertebrae are fused together....that the reason is because that's where they stripped the bone to attach to my spine to fuse to the rods....that, for more than six years, I have been living in near-complete obliviousness as to what is attached to my spine....that no matter what I do, no matter what I try, no matter what happens, this pain will always be here....

For the past several years, I've been hiding in plain sight. Pretending to be normal. Ignoring everything about me, subordinating my desires to the need to fit in.Finally, last week, it got to the point where I was tired of feeling like this. I sent my roommate a facebook message. We told our RA, our RA told the area director, the area director told the dean's office, the dean's office told the...

I hate my freshman seminar. When I signed up for 'Identity and Society', I thought it would be about how society shapes identity. It's actually about how whites, males, and straight people are destroying the world. 3-hour diversity workshop every week, and I can't even complain because I signed up for it.I hate my freshman seminar - but I love the people in it. My teacher is entertaining and the...

I can't keep pretending. I can't keep going. I can't keep living this lie.That's all my life is, is one lie after another. One falsehood. A tangled web of practiced deception.I can keep my lies straight. I think that's the most amazing thing. I can tell eight different lies to thirty different people and keep track of who thinks what. I can remember which lie I told to whom.What I can't remember...

I caught a glimpse of my future, and it's terrifying.I found out on Monday that my religion professor died. Today, I found out she killed herself on Thanksgiving.We got an email yesterday about how there would be an optional session during our normal class time with counselors. What they didn't tell us was that our late professor's family would be coming. I learned more about her today than I did...

Once more, I'm sitting in my dorm room with no idea where to go from here.I have an econ test tomorrow. I can't make myself care.Today it got really bad. I almost cried. For no reason. At all.The only thing that actually made me smile after I got back from bio lab today - my TA is great and I love him and I'm kinda sad I won't talk to him at all three weeks from now - is when a girl on my hall...

I don't think I ever learned how to dream.Funny, isn’t it. To everyone else, I’m smart, motivated, doing what I need now to do what I want later.But I know the truth. All I’m doing is pretending. I have no dreams. I have no goals. Setting them when I was younger seemed like a waste of time; now that they don’t seem like a waste of time anymore, I can’t seem to learn how to set them.I...

Same pain. Same classes. Same college. Same walks. Same discussions (AKA, none). Same crap, different day.This morning, I was so desperate for some form of human contact that I actually managed to answer a question in class. The teacher called me Sarah (which is not even close to my name).I haven't talked about anything but schoolwork with anyone today. Elizabeth asked me if we'd gotten our...

"I'm so depressed I might just jump off," one of the girls on my hall said to us.Why? Because she didn't know where there was a party, so she was stuck "drinking alone like an alcoholic."What is this I don't even...My head started to hurt from the sheer stupidity. She doesn't have to drink alone in her room, she chooses to drink alone in her room. She could do homework, she could go hang out with...

I'm so closed off from everything. I can't tell why people do what they do. I can't tell the difference between cute and disgusting. I can't feel anything anymore, not really. Not anything good, or sweet, or happy. Not anything but hate, disgust, and sadness.I'm a cold bitch. That's all there is to it. Cold. Emotionally distant. Analytical rather than compassionate or empathetic.Today, my bio...

"No one will ever see this side reflected - and if I don't belong, who would have guessed it?" Three Days Grace, Never Too Late, One-XI'm about to explode. I'm about to be sick. I'm about to be something, I don't even know what except it's bad and I can't stop it.I've had a really bad cough the past few years. Occasionally, I cough stuff up. Usually I can control it to the point I don't, but...

I thought I could do this. I really did.Now I'm realizing just how wrong I was.College is killing me.I'm just too different. I'm not good enough at social interaction. I'm not smart enough to keep up. I'm not interested enough to join any of the clubs. I'm not motivated enough to pull all-nighters studying for tests, which is what I really need to do to pass my classes because I can't concentrate...

Today was a bad pain day.I walked into my dorm room and fell into my bed. I just lay there for almost an hour, trying to convince myself that no, I wasn't dying any faster than usual and yes, I did have homework I needed to do and yes, my roommate was probably going to walk in and decide I was a basket case.My roommate knows I'm a head case after what happened Friday night. I paced my dorm room...

It's been a while.Almost everyone's gone home for fall break. My dad's coming to get me tomorrow. And I'm so freaking lonely. I can hear the people who stayed playing outside my window, laughing and shouting. I want to go out there. I want to belong somewhere.I want to be a part of something. But I can't.When I started this school year, I promised myself I wouldn't let my back determine my life -...

Fuck.Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.I feel so goddamned alone I don't think I can stand it.I've felt this way before, but not for a while. And not this deeply.I'm desperate, I'm alone, and I don't know what to do.I wish someone understood. Actually, forget understanding. I wish somebody knew, from experience, how this feels - the pain, the isolation, the loneliness, all of it my fault, my weakness for...

I just wrote down the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.That I felt the need to do that scares the shit out of me.Nobody knows what it's like, or at least nobody I've talked to, or hinted things to. The crushing exhaustion. The emotional battering. The mental anguish. The stigma of being depressed and suicidal.Chronic pain. How do I even describe it? The clinical definition -...

Sunday, part 1All of the counselors checked in at one. We all had to hang around until two, when the health checks were. We spent that time having fun and being goofball teenagers before the campers came. We got our shirts - hot pink with a black clover on the left breast and "TEACH ME HOW TO GAU GAU" on the back - and name tags. I was in Congressman 68. Congressman is the only lodge with air...

My brother's friend (let's call him Eric) got married to a girl a few weeks ago. Eric didn't tell his parents. Now he and his wife are looking for a new house.For the past week or so they've been living in a tent. Amanda's son from a previous marriage is staying with his grandmother--her ex-mother-in-law--until they can get settled. They came to stay with us last night. My brother and Eric have...