I might feel worse about being so totally fucked up if I could still think straight. My world these days is something surreal; it's gotten emptier, or smaller- I'm not sure which. Every day I try to drag myself out of the cycle of depression, or else am preoccupied with falling back into it. It's been so many years now I've forgotten what living was; now it's only something intangible on a horizon...

Honestly. So many of you are so lucky. Some of you have problems, but for the most part you also have one of the greatest opportunities in life- a second chance. You are still young and well enough catered to that you can turn most situations around. You have yet to accumulate the kind of dead weight that holds you back from your potential.I've had my share of second chances too. I've had more...

So I just woke up after getting to bed at 5.30am, having been up all night on the internet, angsty and depressed. I suppose today is a new day, but I'm still in a wretched mood. I want to make a new start; I'm so sick of starting over and over.And so today is a clean slate. After I finish this episode of South Park, I'm going to work out, have a shower and get dressed. I got invited to go rock...

I'm ruining my life! I just can't do a single fucking thing right! I'm an emotional wreck; I can't go a day without making a scene about something or other. I sabotage my goals and set myself back whenever I do make a rare step forward. I just never learn.Whenever my boyfriend works out I get so fucking guilty and jealous I wish I could rip myself to pieces. I hacked myself up pretty badly one...

So I have a fear of women. Weird, I know, but I can't stand to be around other girls, especially girls my own age. It's like I'm prejudiced; when I meet women I assume they are petty naggers, that they are stupid and irritating, butI don't assume anything about men that I know of. And the weirdest thing about this is that I am a girl.I'm terrified and extremely uncomfortable having girls around-...

Yesterday I did a sort of meditation session with a really good sensei. At first, I thought it sounded dodgy and new-age, and I had my doubts, but he was someone whom my boyfriend trusted so I gave it a go. And it turned out to be really good. I thought meditation would be some unfounded alternative to science, but it actually has solid roots in psychology and fits with all of the things previous...

It's always goes the same way:I start to feel good about setting goals, and then the next thing I know I'm getting all extremist about them! It's like I'm switching from my old, neurotic habits give up to a whole new, better-organised addiction. I start planning things out in minute detail- exactly how many grams of what I'm going to eat when, including how much protein and fat and no carbs, when...

Hey, well today was not so bad after all! I guess getting back into work and back around people was good for me... although a ten-hour shift was maybe a bit more back into it than I stictly needed. It felt good to be useful, though, and to be another step closer to not being poor... Man, I work like just across from Stocks, and I always pass that shop on the way to the bathroom and spend the rest...

So far, so good- I guess. It's only been two days, but I have yet to ruin my resolutions. And yet, I'm still miserable, just as much so as before. I just feel so empty and alone in a way I can't even communicate. And I hate myself for that....Give it time, I guess. But the thing is, I know this is going to take so much time, and I don't know what to do in the meantime. I wish someone could help...

So I mentioned before that my boyfriend and some of his friends have been going to seminars for a self-help group called the Landmark Forum. It's not exactly an AA meeting, but neither is it a psychology course or a religious organisation. I've gone with him a few times before, but frankly I was weirded out- all the people are too happy, and all the focus is on 'joining up' and paying money rather...

My boyfriend started going to this thing a while ago... it's not exactly a self-help group, and not exactly a psychology course. I always dissed it because the people there seemed too freakishly happy, although when you think about it, people being happy shouldn't really be disturbing. But however much I dissed it, everyone there still seemed to be doing better in life than me. And so last night I...

Now it's resolution time again- time to look back on what I've done and put a cap on the damage. I've done a lot of stupid things, but nothing that can't be undone, I hope. This is where I currently stand:- I have $1.25 in my bank account... Pretty sucky for someone with a fulltime job. Down from $1500 two weeks ago, but that's okay; I get paid next week, and I won't be so stupid this time...

I have a problem that has been dragging me down for ages. It's not an easy problem to define, but I guess you could say that it stems from an eating disorder, or an addiction, or just depression and low self-esteem. I have been lapsing in and out of suicidal misery since halfway through highschool. I'm sure exactly how or why it started, but I have lived this way for so long that I have all but...