I want a donut so badly right now.Or a danish. Some sort of pastry, something all gooey and sticky. Why, oh why, don’t they deliver donuts?! I need a number I can call up and say, “Please bring me one chocolate-covered, pudding-filled heart attack – stat!” Or anything with cream cheese. A swirly pastry with cream cheese smack dab in the middle, ribbons of icing lacing the top… but all of...

Everywhere I look I see countdown lists of the “best songs of 2008”, and I thought, I can do that. Sure, I spent most of the year delving into old music I had forgotten about (thank God I finally found my Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness CD!!!) but I also had time to enjoy some new stuff. Some of these songs may not have come out this year, but I discovered them this year, and it’s my...

I want to go to a far away place, a place where people ignore me because they don’t know me, not because they do.I want to live in a world with no mind games, where people are honest and don’t hold your opinions against you.I want to move to the place where ‘family’ isn’t just a word and to believe that blood is thicker then water.I would love for the person I feel closest to at the...

Whenever I have a lighter in my pocket, I always have the almost irresistible urge to flick it.Obviously, I never do because I’m still here and not a walking ball of flames. Still, I find myself constantly fiddling with it, twisting and flipping it between my fingers, questions running through my head. Would the spark catch my pocket? Would it go up in flames? Would it just singe and sputter...

Oh, how complicatedly simple life is.Contradictory doesn’t even begin to explain that thought.Waking up every morning is half the battle. Once you’re awake, it’s really only a matter of ritual, right? Showing up, putting one foot in front of the other, mindlessly slipping through the day whose only difference from the one before is the beginning letter – time slips by with ease.Time that...

Trust is a word that is overused and overrated. Eventually, everyone lets you down.That’s not pessimistic – that’s reality. Hell, even I let myself down. The odds are just against it. Dependability is a sham. What’s surprising is that people are shocked when things fall apart. When it’s laying in pieces on the ground, they’re all, “Why me?” Why not you? If not you, it would be...

So, I’ve just pulled my first all nighter in, like, forever – and I’m still up. I don’t think I could sleep it you paid me. Do you ever get like that? Have you ever spent days awake and still can’t crack a yawn? Cause I’m not yawning.Sometimes it’s worth it. A night out with almost strangers spent around a campfire, singing old songs to the acoustic guitar, talking about whatever...

I am the greatest actress the world has ever known. I really lose myself in it – I’m so good, I don’t even know who I am anymore.There’s a work me, a big sister me, a disappointing daughter me. There’s the miscellaneous friend me, the I-don’t-return-phone-calls me, a humorous me. There’s a sleep deprived me, a responsible me, a night out on the town me.Then I guess there’s the me...

I hate killing bugs – even the gross, scary ones.It’s probably because of my overactive imagination. I can’t help but wonder what it feels like for the bug to be squished. Is it instantaneous or does it have time to recognize the increasing pressure? There are days that I can feel that pressure. It’s like there’s a colossal foot closing down on me. I keep looking up to see what’s...

Amazon is the place I go when I’m down.I’m not a big shopper, but sitting in my pajamas at 1:30 in the morning buying old Hum CDs because the dreams keep me awake is something I’m starting to love. The site should really come with a disclaimer – ‘Do not shop here when you are depressed. Your bank account will hate you in the morning.’ I’d never listen; it just makes me too happy....

Sometimes I need the reminder.It’s hard to condense memories. Easier to blur the bad ones. Difficult to recall the faded.I’ve felt poetic lately, but not in any normal sense. Just noticing little things that I’d forgotten about. It’s amazing what you see when you open your eyes.This has been one of the most idyllically odd summers that I can remember. Using the heater in the morning,...

I live in a fantasy world of my own design.It’s more real to me then the ‘real’ world. I spend as much time there as I can. It could be a real place – there are theories of alternate universes – maybe this is mine. It’s strangely comforting to know that, somewhere, this all may be true. May be real. Makes me feel a little less silly. Less crazy.Somewhere, I have a job that I...

…and when she was bad she was horrid.I want to be someone else. Wait, let me rephrase that – I want to know what it’s like to be someone else. I’m actually okay with me, I guess I should be after all these years. I’ve always been more comfortable with the familiar, the broken in. Used, a little rough around the edges, maybe some aches and pains. I may have problems, but they’re my...

I am a hypocrite. I don’t practice what I preach. You should not take advice from me, not unless you want to be as screwed up as I am.I’ve dropped all of my old friends and made new ones, rather reluctantly I might add. Somehow, they’ve managed to talk me into meeting them at a club tonight to see a band that a guy I work with drums for. I don’t understand how they did it --- I hate clubs....

Can I lie now? Is it too late?The only thing I’ve been sharing my bed with are notebooks. Paper is my only confidant. Two or three at a time, each serves a different purpose. For escape, for fantasy, for living outside these four walls.Two are lies, ramblings from my imagination, the writing indecipherable except to myself. The other is full of my sometimes insane thoughts, the edges decorated...

I found a notebook full of I love you's the other day.It was in the box of forgotten memories I keep in the back of my closet. 80 pages, top to bottom, front and back. The words fill every open space with barely any white peeking through. The pages curl from the intense repetitiveness of the same three words.I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.Each letter painstakingly written, the...

Why can’t I have thinker’s block too?!?!It’s torture, really, knowing exactly what I want to say but not being able to write it down. I know where the story’s going and I even know how I want to get there. But trying to get it to leave my head… Every time I try I end up deleting it all.So here I am, rambling on in useless journal form. Hoping something will spark, something will break...

God, I don’t want to DO this anymore. I would rather claw my eyes out.I want to destroy things then drop on the floor kicking and screaming like a child.I want the sweet satisfaction of breaking glass.I want to throw small appliances against a brick wall and then jump madly on their pieces.I want to scream obscenities at the top of my lungs until my throat bleeds.I want to break something,...

It’s gotten away from me.Time that is. Where is it going? And why is it intent on getting there so fast?I feel like a hypocrite almost. All those years wishing for time to hurry. All those important landmarks I was so eager to reach. And for what? A few exciting moments? A million ‘I told you so's'?Now I’m hurtling at warp speed with no emergency break. How do I slow it down? Can’t I pause...

Urrgh!I’m in a melancholy mood tonight. It’s storming outside, rain coming down in buckets and thunder so loud it’s shaking my walls. I feel that the power might go out at any moment; the screen flickers with every bolt of lightning. If it does, I’ll be reduced to singing old blues songs in my cheap, fake microphone that I love so. Funny, it was storming when I woke up this morning, too. I...