blue. / Comments

I have MSN/Windows Live? I'm not on it much, but I can come on for you :D because I know what you mean.
It'ssss kirstybates23@hotmail.co.uk

So am I. He makes me feel like everything is in place, and I'm not just saying that this time. I feel it.

But tell me about you.

Moderatley busy. But sometimes, I get days off.
Like today. I went in for two hours. And then I came home with Matt and we made brownies and put chocolate on our noses and eskimo kissed.

I'm so happy :')

Mine is content. And sometimes it feels very complete. And other times I feel like there are some things missing and I get sad.

I'm at college now with Matt and Jordan and everybody else.

sounds good to me. :)

when you do get it, here's my email so you can add me: hahayoure_dead@hotmail.com

YAH HUH.

What is new with your life?

LOVE YOU MORE

i'm on msn practically everyday. i used to use aim, but i don't have it on my computer anymore. i could try to get it again if you want, or you can download msn messenger. whichever. :)

you were my first friend on quizilla, which was so long ago. why [i]wouldn't[/i] i put you on my friend's list?
we really should! do you have any instant messenger services?

blue, I wuv yew.

I'm leaving Jordan.

Blue, me and Jordan had an argument.

Or, should I say, I shouted a lot at Jordan and he just kinda stood there, not really knowing what to do because he’s not used to the whole ‘girlfriend’ thing. He’s just used to doing what he wants and not having his actions affect anybody else. Cue… me.

Basically, they have a big group of friends but recently one guy, Oli, has started thinking – disgustingly – that he’s too cool for the rest of them. And the rest of them are geeky. And he shouldn’t hang around with them anymore. Oli does still see them, they play football and stuff – but we all know, that when he’s with his ‘cool gang’, he goes right behind our backs and slags everybody off just to impress his new, pretty friends.

It’s pathetic. He’s 17 years old. It’s shallow.

But Jordan loves Oli. Jordan thinks the world of Oli because Jordan’s insecure. You can see it. You can see it from the way he holds me, even.

And last night, Oli brought a bunch of girls and Max to the field we were all in. But the girls started complaining to Oli that they thought our crowd was geeky, so Oli and Max casually started to edge away, using the excuse they were ‘going for pizza’.

Jordan saw, and ran after Oli. A few seconds later, he came back over to me and took my hand and said, “C’mon, let’s go to the shop for a sec.”

I followed and we joined Oli and his crowd of prsotitutes. That’s when Jordan told me ‘they don’t really like them lot’. And then one of the girls told me they were all geeks. And Oli and Jordan laughed. And Jordan’s laugh was fake. And the whole way out of the field, he was practically dragging me along in order to keep up with Oli and all the girls were sickly and flirty and I just didn’t want to be there.

Jordan saw my face and stopped and asked me if I wanted to stay behind – with Georgie and everybody. The ‘geeks’, apparently. And I said yes. I told Jordan that if he wanted to go off, he could, and sure enough – he did. And he practically ran after Oli and it broke my heart.

Not because he left me. Because of the way he felt he had to neglect his friends in order to gain Oli’s approval.

When I told Georgie, she was really angry. Jordan text me saying that he wanted me to stay with him, and all the girls apparently thought I was nice, too. But he wasn’t getting it. So he asked me to meet him at the park they were now in.

When I came up to the fencing, he walked up and tried to hold my hands through the mesh and did a sad face. I said nothing. He walked up to the gate and I walked off up out of everybody’s eavesdrop. He asked me if I was upset, and I said yes. He tried then explaining the whole, “I didn’t want to leave you – they all wanted me to bring you too” but I told him it wasn’t that. I said to him that I couldn’t believe what he’s just said about his friends in order to look ‘cool’. And I kept telling him about how he’s pretending to be somebody he’s not and how many people he’s hurting in doing so.

He told me he doesn’t actually like it when Oli calls everyone geeks. He says they don’t deserve it. But I pointed out that not once has Jordan stood up to Oli. Not once has Jordan had the balls to say, “Look, Oli, that’s a bit harsh”. And it’s all because he’s too goddam scared what Oli’s going to think of him.

I told him that he was being two-faced, and I said that I’d seen so many sides of him that I didn’t even know which one was actually him anymore. He was trying to hold my hand but I kept pulling away. I said that I couldn’t believe he’d jeopardise his friendship with a group of perfectly great guys in order to follow Oli around like a lovesick puppy.

He said to me that he felt like he was having more fun with Oli and growing apart from the rest of them. I said that was okay, I said that’s what happens. But still, that gives him no right to agree with all the shit that Oli says behind their backs because quite frankly – what have they done to deserve it? Nothing.

And then he said he was sorry. And said that he didn’t expect this, and wasn’t thinking about what he was doing and I pointed out that it’s because he’s just so used to not having to think about his actions. But now I’m here – I’m caught in the middle and I’ve just seen my boyfriend act like a total dickhead and it’s not restored me with much confidence.

I said to him that things were obviously easier when he was single. Things were easier when we were BOTH single, and did he still want to do this even if it means arguments like this, and me feeling the way I do, and he said that for 100%, yes, he still wanted to be with me.

But Oli just breaks my heart, blue. If there’s one thing I can’t stand – it’s people who take the important things for granted. After losing my dad’s work buddies, and seeing friends lose parents and family members – I think you should count your lucky stars at every opportunity you can. And not kidding, Oli has everything already. And yet what he has it still ‘not good enough’ and he still wants more.

After Jordan and I had made up and everything and we were okay again, we walked past Oli and he told Jordan he was organising a camping night on Tuesday. But he pretended to whisper and said not to invite Andy or Dave or Hulbert and said, “It’s only cool kids – right? Isn’t that right, Jordan?” But Jordan gripped my hand and shook his head at Oli and said, “Don’t make me say it.”

And Oli looked confused.

Later, Jordan told me that was really hard for him to stand up to Oli like that. But I just told him that all I want is for him to be himself. And not feel like he has to pretend.

Georgie and Steph aren’t happy I took Jordan back. But the truth is, I think I know the real Jordan. And that’s not the Jordan I see around Oli. But the second Jordan does start turning out like Oli, even if he means it or not – if Jordan is still prepared to carry on the way he has been, just to sit inside Oli’s pocket – it’s over. Because I don’t want that.

If I had wanted Oli, I would have gone for Oli. But I don’t want Oli. I don’t think that Oli is a nice guy. Therefore, I don’t want a boyfriend who tries to be like Oli, thanks.

But at the same time, I’m glad we had this argument because I proved to myself that I can stand up to Jordan, and not worry about whether it will ‘make him want to leave me’ and stuff. And that when there’s something on my mind, I can tell him regardless of what he thinks. Incidentally, he told me later that he was really worried because he thought that I was going to break up with him.

So yeah, we’re just gonna see how things go. I love you, blue. I hope you are okay.

It was lovely speaking to you, blue. I wub you.

But I went out with Jordan and we went to this field where a massive crowd of people were getting drunk for someone's birthday and it was nice because Jordan and I could split off and talk to other people for a while and be cool about it because we know that in a while, we'd come back to each other and say hey. We're like - bros = hoes.

But when Jordan was at the shops, I was talking to Steph. And she told me that Matt thinks Jordan and me won't last. And he wanted to know the best amount of time to leave it after we break up - before he comes in and makes a move on me. And when he was on my sofa at 1am, he pointed out how much I opened my heart out to him when we first went out in his car - compared to how little I've opened my heart out to Jordan.

But that's not the reason I'm with Jordan. I'm with Jordan because I like him. He's so much fun to be with, we have such a laugh, he's so sweet to me and he's so adorable. And in time - when I need Jordan to be there - I know he will be.

But at the same time, I still want Matt to be interested in me. And I think it's just an attention/self-esteem thing. Because I know I'll be so sad when Jordan and I finish, I know I'll just want somebody new as quickly as I can get them. And knowing there's somebody already on stand-by... idek.

I feel like a terrible person sometimes. I'd just give anything to be inside Matt's head.

But at 12, Jordan walked me home from the field. And we took ages to say goodbye at my house. And in the end, we found ourselves sat on my doorstep - just talking. Talking about us, and our friends and what it's like being with somebody and omg, he didn't half say some soppy stuff :D We went quiet, and he looked into my eyes and said, "You got me. I've never felt like this before. You've really got me."

Bah :D

I hope you are okay.

I'm sorry I left before saying goodbye - my internet went kaphut. But I saw Jordan, and it was lovely. And we went down to the field where all our friends were camping and it was the first time all of them had seen us together and I thought he would be too scared about holding my hand and stuff but he never let me go. And he was kissing me loads..

And Matt took us home in his car. But he dropped Jordan home first, leaving me and Matt in the car alone. And you could see Jordan wasn't very happy about it, and I couldn't really kiss him goodbye hugely because I felt awkward doing it right in front of Matt's car. So I felt bad. But Matt asked me how things were and I said they were good - because they are. And then he told me how his things weren't very good at all, and he was feeling really low and by the time he got to my house - he wasn't finished talking so I invited him in and we sat on my sofa til 1am, putting the world to rights because that's what you do with Matt.

But I don't know if I should've done it.

However, he's my friend. And I wasn't going to turn him away and say, "No, you're gonna have to go home now and get over yourself because I can't talk to you because I have a boyfriend of about three weeks."

And we have nothing to hide. We didn't even talk about 'us'. And when he left, I wanted to reassure Jordan so I text him saying I was gonna try and keep him awake and I told him I had a great night and that he was worth waiting two weeks to see - cos I'd been away and all. And he text me this morning and you could see that he was happy I'd said what I said. I think he's just seen me be driven away in Matt's car too many times.

Incidentally, it was Jordan's text - the one with good grammar. But Matt and the boys had told him to write it properly.

I adore Jordan. I really do. And, he was a doll to my parents last night and I think they like him too.

How are you doing?

Thank you. (:
I very much like yours too. :3

blue, you could never let me down.


And I will always love you.


How are you?

You have 3 comments now. I feel like a creep, but it's only because I love you.

And, Jordan's mine. He asked me to be his girlfriend last night and I said yes.

BLUE I WENT TO PROM I WENT TO PROM.

I got to Georgie's house, and everybody was there in their dresses and people were taking pictures and there were grandpa's and everything and then there was Jordan. And he was stood with Georgie's boyfriend, Andy. And I came over to talk to them both with my friend Sam, who was going in the limo with me too. And when I left, apparently Sam was teasing Jordan by saying, "'Ello, you seen Kirsty then eh?" and Jordan told him to shut up because he didn't want Sam to mess anything up.

Then we had lots of pictures when our limos showed up and all. And then we were told we had to leave, and I saw Jordan stood there so I walked towards him and he walked towards me and he put his hand out and put it on my waist and breathed, "You look amazing" and then I said thank you and everything and then we got told we had to go and I had to say goodbye to my family so we kissed really quickly and it was gorgeous.

Then we got in the limo and two minutes into driving I get a text from Jordan saying, "Beautiful! xxx". And then all the parents and everything followed our limos to the prom venue - this gorgeous hotel in town and I told you that Jordan was going in the car with all the boyfriends, right? So we arrived and we got out the car and then waited in the crowds to see everyone else arrive and Rich came along with Jon. I really wanted to see Jon because he's moving away in September for university. But Rich had got a really bad hair cut and told me I looked beautiful and we talked for a bit. But then I saw my ex's little sister in the crowd so I made a beeline for her but she moved and I ended up nearly next to Jordan again and all the boyfriend crowd so I went to see him, and he gave me another hug and put his arm around my waist and told me I looked incredible. And he talked about his prom for a bit and then asked me if I was going in yet. I said not yet, so he told me that I should stay out with him with this beautiful grin. And then when I really did go in, we kissed again and ughhhhh.

And I got loads of texts from him that night, asking how it was and telling me he couldn't wait to see me again. And then Sam saw and text Jordan saying he should ask me out now. But Jordan text back saying he was hardly going to do it over text, which is like OMGG HUGE because Jordan's the guy you think would ask someone out over text. Because he's never really done it before. But yeah, and Sam kept talking about it all night.

But after prom we tried going to this big house party but we couldn't get in so ten of us ended up at my friend, Alice's house for the night and I got some beautiful texts from Jordan all through the night. He'd put on the end of them how he couldn't wait to see me, and one said, "By the way, you looked stunning today". And then as it got into the early hours of the morning, he was in bed and he had work in a few hours time but he was still texting me. Look at these:
Jordan @ 01.46: ok where do you wanna meet tomo? I don't mind to be honest :) I just cant wait to see you xxx
Jordan @ 02.21 (after Sam stole my phone and text "I love you xxx" off it): Love you too :) i got a 8 hour day and going to be so tired but you're worth it :) xxx
Jordan @ 02.29: Lol I keep drifting off and getting woken up again :) lol xxx cant stop thinking about you. Xxx
Jordan @ 02.31 (after Georgie had stole my phone and text "I love you" off it again): I love u more :) xxx
Me @ 02.31: I never actually thought this would happen xxx
Jordan @ 02.34: Same but i'm so happy :D I hope you are too xxx
Me @ 02.37: I still feel bad for keeping you awake! Xxx
Jordan @ 02.45: You should do! I'm going to be a zombie tomo :O Na jokes I want to talk to you. Finding it hard to sleep without thinking of you xxx

So, yah. And prom itself was gorgeous because the room was all dark and they gave out glow stick headbands and the music was playing really loudly and all the faculty were drunk and we were just raving all over the place, moshing and getting covered in sweat and screaming and oh my god, it was so much fun. And today I am so tired because I've had no sleep. And I'm seeing Jordan tonight :D

But I go on holiday on Wednesday, July 07. I go away to Greece for two weeks and Jordan text me saying he has Monday and Tuesday off so we can see each other lots before I go away.

But that also means I won't be able to reply to you for two weeks, and that will make me very sad, and when there's news - post it to me as quick as possible even though I'm not around so I can read it when I get back and don't miss a thing.

I'm sorry for another essay all about myself. But these things happen so fast. It's a week since I even MET Jordan. I hope everything is okay with you. I lovelovelovelovelove you ever so much.

I am very glad to have Jordan. I am, I am. Because with Matt, I can tell him anything. And I can be so open with Matt and know he'll understand. But like, I don't think I could have that for a boyfriend. Because, what if there comes a time when I have a problem with Matt himself? There's going to be some things I can't say to him.

But Jordan is just, wow. Like, in Matt's car - he was telling me all about the talk him and Jordan had to settle things. And he told me about when Jordan said how much he liked me. And when he did, his face cracked into this huge grin and he tried to hide it but it didn't work and oh god. Matt told me that I would make Jordan so happy, and he knows that Jordan will put in 110% effort to make me feel the same.

And the thing with Jordan is that because he's so inexperienced with girls, he doesn't know how to act 'cool' and he doesn't know any of this 'treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen' shit like that and he just does whatever he thinks is right. Like, he sent me a text. And two seconds later, he sent another text that simply read, "Xx" because he'd forgot to put kisses on the first one.
And later on, I'd ran out of credit when we were trying to organise a time to meet up. And 5 minutes later, he text me asking if I was okay because I hadn't replied. And 5 minutes after thaaat, he text me saying he was sorry if he'd done something wrong; he just wanted to see me so badly.

He's such a goober :'D

But blue, you are in my situation. And I wish I could offer you my expert advice but the truth is, I have no idea. My situation drove me insane. Like, I had no idea what to do and I made about three different decisions and went back on all of them and it was crazy.

But from what you've told me, Brad sounds like Jordan, and Josh sounds like Matt. The way Josh drops you hints and gets you to work them out, whereas Brad probably wouldn't know how to be that suave and would just say what was on his mind out loud, right?

And if you ask me, Brad is the better guy. But that's always subject to change. Try seeing Brad more. Talk about things with Brad that you used to talk about with Josh, and see how they make you feel.

Like, Matt is confusing. After he dropped me home when we decided that Jordan was gonna be my guy, he text me at midnight saying "Hi X". And I thought that surely, if he had something specific to say to me - he would've written it. But I had the feeling he was just texting me because I was on his mind. But I still don't know because I didn't ask.

But I couldn't be with Matt. The way he's lost all his friends. If you ask me, they're crap friends, but that's besides the point. He still thinks the world of them. And when we were in the car, he was saying out loud all the things he'd say to his best friend, Oli, if he could. He was saying, "Oli, do you remember when...?" and was reeling of all these memories and ended with, "Oli, do you remember when I told you I loved you, and you called me your brother?" And I actually began to cry, but Matt didn't see. I just felt so terrible. I wanted to run out of his car and get Oli in there instead, because he needed to be in that passenger seat more than I did.

But today is my school prom. And Jordan's getting a lift with all the other boyfriends to come and see us off in our limos. And I feel so lucky to have him. The same way he said he felt so lucky when we kissed that night. And that 'pact' I had with that guy to do stuff with on prom night got cancelled about ten minutes ago, because I don't need that, when I have someone who means something to me.

I hope you come to your decision, blue. And tell me everything, the way you always do. Because you're right, I would never shout at you. And I know that you would never shout at me. I love you.

Hi blue. I love you.

And well, it was plan 1. Matt told me he can't lose his friends.
And now Jordan is going to see me off to prom tomorrow, and he's said I'm going to look beautiful.

BLUE THERE'S MORE. And don't worry about your short comments. They still make me smilesies.

The day after the night of texting Matt, we had our plans set for him to pick me up after work. Jordan found out. And turns out, Jordan doesn't just ride off with a "see ya". No. Jordan likes me. Jordan really likes me. And he sent Matt this text: "Matt I am sorry for this shit but please give me a chance with her. I really like her and I don't want her to get away."

But I saw Matt, because I needed to, because I didn't know what to do and omg, blue. It was 9pm, he drove me to an empty supermarket car park and we sat in his car. And we talked and talked and talked and it went dark and we were still talking about anything and everything. And it got really deep and he started talking about losing his nanna, and his voice cracked and his eyes watered up. And then I got in the drivers seat, and he pushed the car and I steered it all around the car park and then he sat on the roof and stood on the bonnet and it was so beautiful.

And we text each other again through the night and I decided on Matt, because he's just - he's me. But he was feeling so bad because all of his friends were having a go at him for taking me away from Jordan so I text him this, "If we could like, run away - steal money for petrol and drive somewhere where nobody we knew could find us and know what happened - do you think we'd work? Because I do." And he text back, "Anything's possible, hun. And from the way we clicked tonight? Yes, I do."

That's Matt.

But I knew I had to talk to Jordan, so I text him asking if I could see him because we needed to talk. Today, he text me saying, "Wat is there 2 talk about?" (He texts like a retard, it's horrific), so I said, "Apparently you like me." He said... "No shit. I thought u knew."
Nice.
I then just asked if he could give me time to think things over, so I can be honest. And he said he didn't want to be messed around.

And then I got pissed off at him, and I wanted Matt even more. Until I realised that well, if I was Jordan - I'd be pissed off. We kissed, we spent the night together, we text each other, he starts to like me. Next thing you know, hunky Matt with his car comes along and takes me away. And I felt bad. And I felt like I had to give Jordan a chance.

So I text Jordan, and I said I wanted him to know that I was still thinking about him. And that I know that's still not a clear answer of whether we can be together or not, but it's hard.

And he took ages to reply, but when he did he was totally cool. And he said he'd been thinking about me all day and he also said he'd spoken to Matt and things were cool again, and he said he now understands that I need time to think, and he's sorry he gave me the wrong impression because in fact, he does like me a lot.

He also said to Matt that he was sorry for jumping to conclusions that something happened last night in the car, and Jordan's in an awesomely good mood now because he thinks nothing IS going to happen, and I'm going to get out of Matt's car tonight and run right into his arms...

... But I don't know if I will.

Because Georgie told me that Matt really likes me, and he's crushed that all of his friends are stopping him feeling like that. And he told me today that he needs to talk to me.

So, I'm back to square one.

I don't know who to choose.

But this is my secret plan nobody knows about and I don't want to say it to anyone because it sounds terrible.

But, Matt thinks the world of his friends. And I can see him telling me that although he likes me, he can't bear to lose his friends. And so if he does, then I'm sorry - but that's now a waste of time. I can't like someone or want to be with someone who can't be with me. It makes no sense. So, if he says that - I will go for Jordan.

If he tells me he's going to work around his friends, and he really does want to be with me no matter what anyone says and he likes me - then I'm going to have to go for Matt. Because well, I've told you about Matt. And he's just, wow.

And right now I don't know what option I prefer. The latter means I'd have to tell Jordan that I don't want to be with him, and after today, I think that might crush him. Because I think he's got the wrong idea already.

But apparently too, Matt is trouble to be with. He's been with a lot of girls. Like, all the way and stuff, too. And a lot of his friends aren't sure that him and me are a good idea. But Georgie - my best friend out of those lot, is saying to me that he IS a good idea, and he's better than Jordan would ever be.

I'm in the dilemma of my LIFE, blue. And I also feel terrible because I've been talking about myself this whole time.

Tell me how you are. What's new, how's life? I hope you're okay, I really do, because HOLY SHIT I LOVE YOU.