dearly.departed / Comments

lol. yeahh. i'm gonna go walk around today, stay outside until i am covered in sweat, then take a nice shower and sleep. doesnt that sound awesome? lol. i think it does. and yeah, i dont think ive ever felt angry before like that. its a new thing, i guess. but i still want to go crazy. a concert sounds like perfection right now. lol. and talking is hard, but i'm gonna learn how to talk about it. not all the time, but just try. haha. <3

i guess thats what i'll have to do. talk. i can write it out, obviously, but talking is hard. i cant look people in the eye when i talk about my feelings :/ i'll figure something out. i think i'm gonna go walk around everyday. i havent the last few days like i told myself i would. it rained on and off today, so i was so confused i just stayed inside.

right now all i want to do is run around and get raunchy. lol not in a dirty way, but like i wanna get bruised and bloodied and scraped. idk why. maybe with repressed feelings comes anger? but against myself? lordy lordy.

maybe i need the drugs? maybe something in my head isnt right. i dont know really know for sure, but something isnt working right. maybe my bad thoughts are nocturnal? hah. as weird as that sounds. i talked to my mother
(yes, i tell my mom alot b/c its just me her and my sis) she feels the same and then i feel bad for making her feel like this and just klsdjfkj. she told me i cant please everyone, and i know she's right, but i just want everyone to be happy, you know? golllly goshness. i do need to write. i cant wait for summer so that i can have allllllll of the time in the world to write and not worry about school work and sleep time. its weird, but my writing is best at night. like brilliant even. ha. :)

Hunter is precious, oh lord. ha.

she wants to get better too, but she actually went out and got help. i just talked to my mom. like i sat down and told her how i was feeling. she said that maybe i should see a therapist. i mean, i guess in a way that would be a good thing, but in another way i feel as if its offensive. i'm sure my friends dont wanna push me away, i know they want to see me happy, but i dont think the realize that they affect me. i mean, alot of people like me. i try to be a likable person. i just soak things in differently, i guess. my mom said that we are emotional people. i told her that i'm emotionally mature, i guess, b/c i think about all the ways that everyone is thinking or doing, you know? and i really need to get back in the swing of writing. i think it'll help me alot. i feel a bit better, but i still have that feeling inside. its like in my core and it'll take awhile to go away.

if you were here right now, i'd hug you. i love you twinkey. you are so freaking understandable and i just love you for that. i swear, my online friends are far more helpful and understanding than my actual friends. but shh, don't tell no one. haha.

i think i'll always be messed up in some way. the madness makes the man, right? well, i guess the madness makes the art. have you ever read the book Jekel loves Hyde? brilliant book. lol :) <3 <3

of course i liked HUNTER THE LADY HUNTER. he was actually a gentleman! is he just being tricky? ;) lol. and i've always wanted to go to New York, even if it isnt to stay. i wanna just walk around and look at all the hipsters. or just looking at all the buildings. lol. i'm a strange one, thats for sure.

so lately, i feel as if all is caving in on me. you see, with my issues with "depression" or whatever you wanna call it, i've been telling myself that i want to get better, that i need to. i dont wanna end up in the psych ward like my friend. i've been trying to give my friends my all, b/c i want them to know that they are important to me. but i feel as if they are pushing away from me and just..ugh. i dont know what to do anymore. i'm never gonna please anyone even when i try my fucking hardest and it sucks. i'm not concentrating on myself. i have a feeling if i was gone, that when people need someone to listen to them the most, me, that they wont have anyone. and i just dont know what to do anymore, twinkey. i'm sorry this is so like BAM but...its hard trying to get better or even concentrate on anything when i feel this fucked up.

am i messed up? like, am i weird for feeling this way? i dont wanna be that weird, you know?

you know, i should totally move to new york and get some of that luck you have with finding guys! XD lol. he sounds adorable, omg. and i'm about to go and read mister lady hunter. i'm excited to see what happens ;P

um, yes please tell all about this blue-eyed Louise fellow. i need a pick me up. LET HIM AT ME. haha

OMG YOU MADE ONE?! hahah pressuree. i'll help you don't worry! i'll message you and everything it'll be great funnnnnnn XD haha

ooooooh i thot you said you've been talking to him for 2 days and i was like "yay!!" hah get some soooooon maybe? lol ;P but thats funny that he was being a hater on you me at six ahha

ah, damn...oh well. haha. but really? did he? ooooooh marie, GET SOME! is he nice? whats his name? I need the low-down on this guy!

actually, i just got word from her today. she is out of the hospital. she isnt talking that much, but i'm sure she'll be doing better soon.

and yay! i'm gonna go read :D :D i took some of my meds, and its late, and it makes me super hyper. i already told you this. and i just had like a great time on fb. i'ma try and link it to you. its funnnny! http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=282987425128555&id=100000153654700&comment_id=1528602¬if_t=like
LOL.

hey twinkey. so something happened last night. i found out that my best friend either tried to kill herself or she hurt herself and she is in the hospital. it was one of the most terrifying things i've ever experienced. i was crying so hard and i couldnt breathe. all i can do is hope to see her soon and tell her how much i love and care for her.

anyways, yeah that story is a re-write indefinitely in my mind. its called Welcome, haha. its really cool, but its just you know as you write more, the better developed writer you become? yeah, well, there were so many things about it that i want to change and, to me, all of my stories are good ideas b/c when i think about them, its like an ephiphany or something, like a movie played out in my head and i know everything about everyone and its just great.

lol, that joke was great, thank you for understanding! haha

haha, well if there is ever a circus in town then you should def run away. in my story there was a hot tight rope/ swinging guy who's name was Morgan :) haha yepp. yeah, so my hyperness still moves on. i'm calm, now, cuz i took the meds in the morning and they sure as hell wake me up. i felt like a kid with fucking adhd, i felt so weird. lol. my friend told me today "you are my favorite person today" all cuz i was acting like a doofas. haha. were you really working on him last night ;)? ha. scoreeee. YAY. omg hell yeah, put me in it XD haha. this is great. and wasn't my joke funny? lol. yay! i can feel the love <3

you know, thats really funny, b/c i have a story about a girl who runs away to a traveling circus b/c she didn't wanna go to law school o.O are you reading my mind or what, twinkey?! ha. jkjk. i'm pretty sure you will do fine on those tests! i'm sure of it. and i unfortunately did not write today, i read a few things but slept most of the day. then i'm left home by myself again after everyone gets home. man, i was one lonely person today ha. then this medicine i got makes me fucking hyper and dear lord, i took it like an hour ago and was like jittery and lkfjaksdjf. haha. i'm still a little jittery, but i'm more low key. ha. and shhhh don't be sad about noah ending, he'll always be in your heart <3 plus you have HUNTER THE LADY HUNTER!! WHEW. now that is gonna be one big gropage for sure, and i'm totally excited. hahah. oh gosh, i think i'm still hyper. lord. you should put me in the story as one of hunter's crazy friends XD hyper loran. or something haha idk. just saying. and i came up with this joke about this guy in a band who likes pizza. i told a friend "if we ever get married, our babies names would be Papa Johns Pizza" hahaha isnt that funny? no one else thought it was, but i was laughing hah I LOVE YOU TWINKEY <3

unfortunately, i still feel pretty shitty, but i went to the doctors and its like a mixture of sickness and they gave me meds. i finally got to stay home and relax b/c @ school, it just seems to get worse. don't you hate when that happens?

and my nose piercing is doing better, yepp. i re-pierced it, but it was only a little bit of skin on the inside of my nose. soo its not that bad. i've been cleaning it and stuff. so its all good. lol.

gropage! yay! :D haha. get some Noahhhhhh yeahhh. lol. i'm excited you have no idea XD i read through allll of my stories in my documents, and i have alot of good stuff. i need to write! i've been so busy lately with school and my sickness and birthdays and just other life that i haven't been able to sit down and write. i guess i could write now since i am home and all...i think i shall. but then again, i have that weird thing were my writing is better written at night. lol a nocturnal writer, thats kinda funny.

i just watched doctor who. ever watched that show? its like a british show, but my friend showed me it and i try to watch it whenever i see that its on.

hope your doing well twinkey! :D

yeah, even though i'll be going to school tomorrow on top of being sick isnt gonna be as fun. my mom won't let me stay home. bitchhhh. and okay, listen to this, my friend took off the ball to my nose ring, so there was a space between the ring&that moved to the inside of my nose. well, it apparently closed shut. yeah. so i took out the ring(which took a few days) and put in a stud which i, pretty much, repierced my nose. i swear to god, i am never getting another piercing again. they always work out horribly BLAH. anywoo, NOAHHHH :'(( oh well, it'll end happily. makeout session for the next chapter? MAJOR GROPAGE? lol. i need some entertainment for my fever-headed mind over here, okay? lol. i swear, fevers make you weird. i had my fan on, which i sleep with it on every night, and i was fucking freezing to the point where my teeth were chattering, i had on shorts, sweatpants, a sweater, socks and TWO fucking blankets. i eventually took off like most of my clothes and kicked off a blanket during the duration of the night haha. plus having a fever makes me light-headed. i'm watching alice in wonderland, only cuz there is nuttin else on tv. ehhh.

hey twinkey! sorry we havent talked in awhile. i got sick recently and its like the flu or something, whatever it is, it sucks. ha. i hate being sick, and its sunday, so if i feel like this tomorrow, i hope to god that i dont go to school. i hate being sick and in school. its not enjoyable at all. ehh. and YAY! i'ma go read Noah :DDDD lol

how have you been lately?

haha. no no, i was pulling your leg :p its nbd lol. and my day was pretty good. theres always ups and downs to a birthday at one point or another during the day, right? haha. i unfortunately did not get to go to that concert, it was toooo far away for just a drive there and back. i'd be tired and wouldn't of finished anything. but its all good. i will hopefully see them again, soon, maybe. i want them to remember me, maybe. idk. they've helped me alot so its like "I LOVE YOU LETS BE FRIENDS" kinda thing. smaller band, but they are getting bigger and i'm like "please stop growing so i can craddle you in my arms forever" lol creepy-ish sounding, but WHATEVER. my hair is curly right now. haven't worn it like this for awhile. too bad it'll get wrecked while i sleep tonight :( haha. oh well. i'm off to bed for now. nighty night and talk to you tomorrow.

p.s. I'M 17 NOW....and i still look 15 WAHH

sooooo i totally thought you busted out a chapter just for my birthday, but then i saw you revised the last chapter. hahaha.

i will i will! i promise. i don't want you to think i'm a troll or anything haha. and you see, if i started writing another story, i would never update hey mind reader. i'd be screwed beyond reason and lose my mojo. that wouldnt be good. i need my mojo to write. i am writing. sentence by sentence. rather slowly. contemplating my wording....:)