Alright!
So, I kind of don't like the last line in the first verse. Again, it sounds too much like you're forcing it to rhyme, if you know what I mean? You have a bit of that in this poem too...
A bit of it is redundant. I mean, every single word in a poem should have a reason for being there. The first verse has real meaning (except the last line, to me) but the second verse just seems sort of superficial. So he's broken your heart, so what? FEEL! Use vivid language! Make me feel what you've felt, the heartbreak, the pain!
The second to last verse is nice, I really like that one too. Not so sure I'm loving the Pinocchio reference, but I get what you mean.
The last stanza is a bit like the second. Your meter's off so it sounds a little odd when read out loud. But what job is it getting done? It makes you sound, also, superficial, as if all you care about is finding a lover. Think of what you've been implying the whole poem- with words like 'grandeur' and 'smooth' you're implying that you don't want to let him go, and then you resolve it with the next, talking about rose-tinted windows (do you mean glasses?). But then it feels like you've gotten nothing done by the last, because you're still calling him a prince?
My advice would be: Write what you know. I don't know if this, what you write, has happened to you, but I'm not sure if it seems like it. I've had my heart broken before, and I was in tears, I wasn't just sitting there. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and then stomped on. I was angry, and full of hurt, but in this poem you just seem like you're letting it pass by, apathetically.
This is also a good poem, where you have really good moments and some places that need tightening up.
So, that's just my impression and advice to you. I write a LOT of poetry, and am also hesitant to putting it online, because I'm going to publish a book eventually. A lot of people will just comment saying 'oh nice, i like it' or 'i hate it' so I'm going my best to give you actual constructive criticism. Keep writing those poems, you've definitely got something.
So, I kind of don't like the last line in the first verse. Again, it sounds too much like you're forcing it to rhyme, if you know what I mean? You have a bit of that in this poem too...
A bit of it is redundant. I mean, every single word in a poem should have a reason for being there. The first verse has real meaning (except the last line, to me) but the second verse just seems sort of superficial. So he's broken your heart, so what? FEEL! Use vivid language! Make me feel what you've felt, the heartbreak, the pain!
The second to last verse is nice, I really like that one too. Not so sure I'm loving the Pinocchio reference, but I get what you mean.
The last stanza is a bit like the second. Your meter's off so it sounds a little odd when read out loud. But what job is it getting done? It makes you sound, also, superficial, as if all you care about is finding a lover. Think of what you've been implying the whole poem- with words like 'grandeur' and 'smooth' you're implying that you don't want to let him go, and then you resolve it with the next, talking about rose-tinted windows (do you mean glasses?). But then it feels like you've gotten nothing done by the last, because you're still calling him a prince?
My advice would be: Write what you know. I don't know if this, what you write, has happened to you, but I'm not sure if it seems like it. I've had my heart broken before, and I was in tears, I wasn't just sitting there. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and then stomped on. I was angry, and full of hurt, but in this poem you just seem like you're letting it pass by, apathetically.
This is also a good poem, where you have really good moments and some places that need tightening up.
So, that's just my impression and advice to you. I write a LOT of poetry, and am also hesitant to putting it online, because I'm going to publish a book eventually. A lot of people will just comment saying 'oh nice, i like it' or 'i hate it' so I'm going my best to give you actual constructive criticism. Keep writing those poems, you've definitely got something.
[x]