One Man Zoo - Comments

I wish you were still active so that I could tell you how fucking talented you are.

Beautiful.
You used the cliché "I told you once, I told you twice" really well.
Lovely poem and superb finishing line.

this was great! I loved the sort of extended metaphor... it had a twist to it. It took me some pondering to understand the message, but that is not a bad thing, it just shows that your poem is multi-dimensional.

Once I got the message, i loved it! It was very true, but it was hidden to a point that one who is a "one man zoo" would not fully understand the meaning. I loved it! Now on to some constructive criticism =]

I thought the second line of first stanza could have used more thought. An expression cannot be across somebody's face, really. Because to be across something either means that it is opposite of the object, or something is being moved across the object. It would make more sense if you had written "on your face" and plus, it would flow better and the syllables would match, and that can't be a bad thing ;D

The way you said the following lines was a bit confusing. Just a suggestion... the way you said "fox's smile and so on and so on" well, that could be naming anything. Maybe if you said "With a fox's smile and blah blah blah" that would make more sense, and make it more clear that you are still describing the person you started with rather than something different. But adding the "with a" is just a suggestion, if doing that line without that works better for you, then by all means.

For the "snakes sliding and slithering" line, it seemed very long. Maybe consider rewording it to something like "Snakes sliding and slithering through your hair." With the extra words in there, it seems cramped.

I especially adore the last part of the poem, from "and i've told you once and i've told you twice" and on. Just the last line confused me a bit. For the rest of the poem, you were describing only one person as "you." but in the last line, you said you and me. I understand, because you wanted to make it rhyme. But just a suggestion: if you wanted to add an even better twist, you could change it to something like "An animalistic depiction of me" or whatever you had there, just without the "you." the twist would be in saying "me" because that would let the reader know that throughout the whole poem you were actually talking to yourself and describing yourself as savage and what not.

Ok, i made this a very intricate and long comment... I hope you can understand where I'm coming from with the criticism. but i did truly loved this poem. It had a good point and was very poetic and had great imagery. You had good word usage, rhyming, and rhythm. Great poem! I enjoyed it =] i will also be checking out some more later on. great job!!!