I personally am not the greatest fan of free verse poetry. It doesn’t seem to have the same sort of rhythm to me. And that’s what I’m getting a bit as I read this. There are a few lines that seem awkwardly long. The second line is phrased strangely. Did you mean “the fight means nothing more” maybe “ the fight means nothing anymore”. But either sound a bit more natural than “The fight means no more”. Also “to shot up our arms with stuff” is another awkward line. I understand it, but saying “shoot up our arms” doesn’t sound right. Also I would suggest throwing some parallelism in to the last line and putting a “for” before the first “what”. My advice overall is go through your poetry with a fine toothed comb before you post it. Don’t be accepting of anything below par. Make it all meticulously beautiful if you can. And I know that you can because there are points in there that make me see the poet in you. Like for example when I read the last lines I felt what you were trying to get through. It came through the words strong for me. And that’s the point of poetry to make the words more than words. This poem seems very contemplative, which is good. Good Poem.
January 21st, 2011 at 12:25am