[i]when i will live[/i] - I
[i]tuff[/i] - tough
[i]thoughts there hard[/i] - they're
[i]hen news as tuff as this[/i] - tough
[i]Once i would have stood[/i] - I
I think what would have made this poem a little better would be if you didn't have [i]CANCER[/i] spelled out in capitals at the end. Sometimes just leaving it as it is, is the best thing to do.
Leave the reader with the concept of time, and that something is wrong - but don't tell them what's wrong, because you want them to understand that time, and not cancer, is the issue at hand.
Other than that, I really like how you've presented Time. In the first stanza, it's like time is presented as a man - and the man is in the form of the doctor. But at first, it's almost like you've personified time rather than saying "he's a doctor - " that's a terrible explanation ;)
Then the second stanza deals with how much time is left, and then time is dwelt upon in the third - wondering whether or not to tell. Then in the last stanza, time is ready to say goodbye.
I like that you've presented time differently in each scenario and what happens with it. :)
I just think CANCER needs to go. :)
[i]tuff[/i] - tough
[i]thoughts there hard[/i] - they're
[i]hen news as tuff as this[/i] - tough
[i]Once i would have stood[/i] - I
I think what would have made this poem a little better would be if you didn't have [i]CANCER[/i] spelled out in capitals at the end. Sometimes just leaving it as it is, is the best thing to do.
Leave the reader with the concept of time, and that something is wrong - but don't tell them what's wrong, because you want them to understand that time, and not cancer, is the issue at hand.
Other than that, I really like how you've presented Time. In the first stanza, it's like time is presented as a man - and the man is in the form of the doctor. But at first, it's almost like you've personified time rather than saying "he's a doctor - " that's a terrible explanation ;)
Then the second stanza deals with how much time is left, and then time is dwelt upon in the third - wondering whether or not to tell. Then in the last stanza, time is ready to say goodbye.
I like that you've presented time differently in each scenario and what happens with it. :)
I just think CANCER needs to go. :)