The sky is a perfect blue
It shines its blue in the puddles
Something about this line just annoyed me. I think it's the "It shines its blue". It sounds awkward.
I love the last stanza.
I don't like "Winter has come, made its presense"
1. Because presense is spelled wrong.
2. Because you change so quickly to leaving the old life behind and then suddenly you change to the wind.
Maybe stop to describe winter and add in the wind is blowing west, linking it. Then talking about leaving the old life behind?
I did like this poem all together though. The colors got on my nerves though. (The dirty green like brown...and in the beginning, all the colors you talk about on the charcoal road.)
I felt like you were trying to hard. It would've been better had it felt more natural. Parts of it felt natural. But a lot of it felt forced, like you were trying too hard to impress.
It shines its blue in the puddles
Something about this line just annoyed me. I think it's the "It shines its blue". It sounds awkward.
I love the last stanza.
I don't like "Winter has come, made its presense"
1. Because presense is spelled wrong.
2. Because you change so quickly to leaving the old life behind and then suddenly you change to the wind.
Maybe stop to describe winter and add in the wind is blowing west, linking it. Then talking about leaving the old life behind?
I did like this poem all together though. The colors got on my nerves though. (The dirty green like brown...and in the beginning, all the colors you talk about on the charcoal road.)
I felt like you were trying to hard. It would've been better had it felt more natural. Parts of it felt natural. But a lot of it felt forced, like you were trying too hard to impress.
The natural parts though, I adored.